The People's Cube - Political Satire

or: The Zigzaggy Life of an Exemplary Apparatchik-2000


Herr Schulz...(it's shooltz; being a Rhinelander, shooltz makes it sioultz.)
~

Schulz.
Not Herr Dr. Schulz. Not Herr college-grad Schulz. Not even Herr finished-his-high-school Schulz.

Gone dropout, he a) went alcoholic, and b) was sent to shrinks for megalomania, and c) finally prenticed in his sister's bookshop.*
Then, obviously destined for higher purposes, he went "into politics". Years later ‒ swoosh! ‒ Herr Schulz is a top-tier EUcrat.

* those Schulzian biographical milestones are publicly known (including his Wikipedia profile, PR-polished).

A dude obviously riding on pure chutzpa, vanity, smugness, and networking (in which he, indeed, is proficient).

Schulz?.. Schulz?.. you ask?
Well, President of EU.. no, no, not exactly...
Uh, President of the EU Parliament.. oh no, has-been, forget it...
Er, Bundeskanzler.. ok, Deputy-Bundeskanzler, err.. candidate for Deputy-Bun.. um, scratch it...
OK, Chair (by 100% votes, no kiddin') of a 20%-electoral-approval Soc Dem "Big Tent" Party.
Huh, nailed it, finally...



And in short: a grotesquely overblown gasbag. (that, I believe, is realized by well over half the thinking Germans ‒ even despite the green-red zeitgeist pervading this society since 3 decades.)
A slick speechifier, brimming over with truly cheap platitudes, nothing more.

BTW: 'Schulz' is to German surnames what, say, 'Miller' is to American ones. Yet, ask Googoebbels for 'schulz' ‒ bingo! the one-and-only Schulz is item #1. Same with 'fb schulz', 'twitter schulz' ‒ instantly you land at Apparatchik. (Komrade Amerikkkan, how does your Googoebbels react to 'miller'?)




Being zigzagged to Brussels (20+ years ago) to zigzag up there, Schulz did some financial, uh, zigzagging of EU monies into his own pocket and, cowabunga!, all of a sudden zigzagged (Nov. 2016) back to "Berlin". Official rationale: To salve his beloved (yet badly sagging) Soc Dem club, and ‒ jawohl! ‒ be nominated for election 2017, wherefrom zigzag straight up to Bundeskanzler.

PR organs and MSM started an insane Schulz-hype, approvals went up by some 3 percent, nomination for 2017 was "alternativeless". Election (end Sep.) hyper-humiliatingly lost, Herr Schulz, pounding chest, zigza-morphed heroically into Glorious Leader of a cast-iron Strongest-Opposition-Ever.

Well, well, well. Election over, end November, and no alliance, and no new gov't even more so. Herr Schulz ‒ begged by Soc Dem Genossen, begged by Bundespräsident, begged by Humanity ‒ hyper-drammmatically zigzags side-back-upwards to Most Glorious Savior-Of-Occident. Smells good cards, given that Frau Merkel, with back to the wall and near-psychotically power-mad, can be had. Forward! And so, Herr Schulz speaks out! (just yesterday)




And next he zigzags to Twittler.
Within barely one hour, tweetifies His proclamation.



"Wir" ‒ "Nous" ‒ "We" (as in Wir schaffen das, ja?)
(and why didn't he твитифи twityfował τωεετίφος twitörnå ... in all 24 official EU lingoes, I dunno)



"I" (and, haha, "no threat"... sure UK is back, soon... btw, a forced "refugees" batch, anybody?...)



"civil society", that slippery phrase, pushed into polit-gobbledygook since early 21st century.


2025, added Exemplary Apparatchik-2000. 2025 vee haff US of EU.
Just so. See, Trump, how things are done!


Of course, it's pure buffoonery (with "Merkel talks" in mind). Sure, some mindless "enthusiasm" may shortly be generated. Yet the tone deafness (and sheer absurdity: 2025, period) is stunning. Most likely, the anti-EU stance will get a boost and further spread in (not yet numbed) minds.




(all pics from Internet/press, a touch or two added.)
(one more indicant that these days life itself imitates, nay, exceeds satire.)

yeah, yeah... we've heard this before.

an uneducated and untrained leader spouts off that "uniter, not a divider," "fundamental transformation," and "hope & change" nonsense; followed by a bright idea like "Lebenstraum" then pisses off the Russians, and the next thing you know, the college kids start to goose-step...

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:yeah, yeah... we've heard this before.

an uneducated and untrained leader spouts off that "uniter, not a divider," "fundamental transformation," and "hope & change" nonsense; followed by a bright idea like "Lebensraum" then pisses off the Russians, and the next thing you know, the college kids start to goose-step...

... was thinkin' and thinkin', but now got it - this fishy guy you mean, da? :

Among Europe's neo-Orwellisms (of which there are hundreds) an annoying one, perhaps the most annoying one when Orwelling about EU ‒ in polit-statements, in (I guess) the boob tube, in edumacayshun: whenever the matter in question is "EU", it's stubbornly called "Europe".
"We need more Europe...", "our Europe ist strong...", "the values of our Europe...", you get it.

For sure there is intent in this. And it already stroke roots: by the usual collective inertia and careless lingual regurgitation plus nonattention to meaning(s), it's "Europe this, Europe that" all the day long. While it's not a matter of speech economy ‒ an ee-yu, in any language, isn't "longer" than europe. And you can also say union, when the (EU-)context is obvious.

No doubt, within less than a generation, the mental "thumbnail" for "Europe" shifts from "uh, centuries.. cultures.. dizzying myriad of everything.." to sumptin like "yeah baby, the Sioultzes of Brussels".

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/dorseyshaw?ref_src= ... seyshaw</a> .....Fixed it for you.... <a href="https://t.co/nHtliYCdBa">pic.twitter.co ... </p>&mdash; Sol (@solentgreenis) <a href=" 8, 2017</a></blockquote>
<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

I'll be waiting on the beaches of Normandy with beet vodka, Ivan! I already drafted the speech for operation Overlord II:

SUPREME HEADQUARTERS
ALLIED EXPEDITIONARY FORCE

Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and transgenders of the Allied Expeditionary Force!

You are about to embark upon the Great Crusade, toward which we have striven these many months. (...) In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the European Union, the elimination of the new leftist tyranny over the oppressed peoples of Europe, and security for ourselves in a free world.

Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained in holding meetings and pencil-pushing, well equipped with staplers and pens and battle hardened in many hours of useless international negotiations. He will fight savagely to bore you to death with hollow phrases and virtue signalling.

But this is the year 2020 ! Much has happened since the Merkel triumphs of 2015. The United Nations have inflicted upon the Germans great defeats through mass immigration, in open battle, man-to-man. Our air offensive has seriously reduced their strength in the air and their capacity to wage war on the ground.

(...)

I have full confidence in your devotion to duty and skill in battle.
We will accept nothing less than full Victory!

Good Luck! And let us all beseech blessing of Almighty God upon this great and noble undertaking.

Joseph Dunford

(just for clarity)

Though Herr Schulz looks like [and of course nobody has any "guilt" for what he "looks like"] a caricature straight out of Der Stürmer, he has no link whatsoever to the folk of Yehudim.