12/23/2018, 4:52 pm
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The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as "chain migration."
The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community's assessment, or ICA, was a "sound intelligence product" whose conclusions were "reached in a professional and transparent manner, and the tradecraft was strong."
The partially declassified report states that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who actively resisted the racist policies and the destruction of democracy by King Herod's autocratic regime, had learned from an anonymous inside source about the planned Massacre of the Innocents, and sought refuge in the free country of Egypt, an inclusive nation known for welcoming Jews with open arms.
A complete absence of border walls allowed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to walk in, call the ACLU, and receive legal assistance of a civil rights lawyer to gain political asylum, food stamps, subsidized housing, educational grants, job training, and free healthcare. The Egyptian taxpayers greeted the holy family with a "Refugees Welcome" sign and generous gifts. These events, according to the Intelligence Committee report, initiated the Christmas tradition of distributing gifts, green cards, and welfare benefits to any person who crosses the national border.
In the words of Luis Gutierrez:
It is repugnant to me and astonishing to me that during Christmas, a time in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ - a Jesus Christ who had to flee for his life with Mary and Joseph. Thank God there wasn't a wall that stopped him from seeking refuge in Egypt. Thank God that wall wasn't there and thank God there wasn't an administration like this or he would have, too, perished on the 28th, on the Day of Innocents when Herod ordered the murder of every child under 2 years of age. Shame on everybody that separates children and allows them to stay at the other side of the border fearing death, fearing hunger, fearing sickness. Shame on us for wearing our badge of Christianity during Christmas and allow the secretary to come here and lie.
These findings fly in the face of a flurry of attacks from Trump and his allies, who frequently accuse US intelligence and law-enforcement agencies of bias and political corruption.
While critics have unfairly accused Gutierrez of reading from the apocryphal Gospel of Ocasio-Cortez or from the Book of Obama, it is clear to any informed observer of current events that the House intelligence report was based almost exclusively on the People's Cube treasured classics: Christmas in History: First Media Reports of Nativity Story and The New Progressive Bible - a wisdom-free edition with new and improved non-binding commandments (may contain 3% or less opiate for the masses).
The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as "chain migration."
The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community's assessment, or ICA, was a "sound intelligence product" whose conclusions were "reached in a professional and transparent manner, and the tradecraft was strong."
The partially declassified report states that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, who actively resisted the racist policies and the destruction of democracy by King Herod's autocratic regime, had learned from an anonymous inside source about the planned Massacre of the Innocents, and sought refuge in the free country of Egypt, an inclusive nation known for welcoming Jews with open arms.
A complete absence of border walls allowed Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to walk in, call the ACLU, and receive legal assistance of a civil rights lawyer to gain political asylum, food stamps, subsidized housing, educational grants, job training, and free healthcare. The Egyptian taxpayers greeted the holy family with a "Refugees Welcome" sign and generous gifts. These events, according to the Intelligence Committee report, initiated the Christmas tradition of distributing gifts, green cards, and welfare benefits to any person who crosses the national border.
In the words of Luis Gutierrez:
These findings fly in the face of a flurry of attacks from Trump and his allies, who frequently accuse US intelligence and law-enforcement agencies of bias and political corruption.
While critics have unfairly accused Gutierrez of reading from the apocryphal Gospel of Ocasio-Cortez or from the Book of Obama, it is clear to any informed observer of current events that the House intelligence report was based almost exclusively on the People's Cube treasured classics: Christmas in History: First Media Reports of Nativity Story and The New Progressive Bible - a wisdom-free edition with new and improved non-binding commandments (may contain 3% or less opiate for the masses).
