How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources should help you form an unbiased opinion about what really happened...

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© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center. ~

OTHER STORIES:

Judea Today Another Consumer of Nature's Resources Born in Bethlehem An international scientific consensus has been reached, and it's not in Mary and Joseph's favor. Had the parents of Jesus been more proactive in raising their awareness, they may have considered such important factors as Judea's fragile environment and air pollution that only increases with every newborn child. No matter how amusing a set of small carbon footprints around the house may seem initially, potential parents should always remember that the footprints will only become bigger as the child matures and turns into yet another indulgent consumer of nature's limited resources.

The Daily Pharisee Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi's Lobbying Operation BETHLEHEM, December 28 - House Ethics Committee Chair Stephanie Tubbs Jones (D-Judea) urges congressional ethics probe into gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh by three Magoi - who are the focus of criminal investigations by the Justice Department. The ethics panel said in a statement that a special subcommittee would try to determine if two Nazoreans violated the law by accepting "gifts, travel benefits, contributions to religious committees and organizations, or any other items of value" from the three Magoi and their lobbying operation. The Nazoreans who were identified by name as the focus of the committee's investigations - Joseph and Mary - have said they are innocent of wrongdoing.

Samara Post Intelligencer Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem A homeless couple claiming that an "angel" had declared their infant child "the son of God," was caught red-handed while apparently trying to engage in some ritual involving animals behind a local inn. Despite his young age, the unplanned and undocumented child whom they referred to as "Jesus" had already acquired notoriety in the religious underworld, operating under several aliases including Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, and The Prince of Peace. Authorities are investigating a possible link to the highly profitable smuggling of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The police arrived at the scene after a call made by a local PETA activist who complained that the couple and the mob that followed them had inconvenienced the resident animals and "displaced handfuls of hay" in order to make a bed for the infant. "What sort of people are these that would invade a peaceful manger, disturb the animals in their home, deprive them of sleep of nourishment, and do YHWH knows what else with them?" Prosecutors are considering charging the couple as accessories to an unauthorized light show that terrorized area shepherds who happened to be tending their flocks at night. No charges are currently being considered against the infant, though authorities have made clear that he will require careful observation and possibly therapy as he grows up.

The Nazareth Post (Lifestyle Section) Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government Despite the homeschooling, the abstinence-only education, and her determination to save herself for that special someone, Mary Davidian, 15, still found herself pregnant. Neither her former resolve to remain chaste, not the fact that she was known by all and sundry as "The Virgin Mary," prevented her from becoming yet another statistic in the growing problem of unwed teen mothers throughout the Roman Empire, particularly in poorer provinces like Judea. Mary's been betrothed for some time to Joseph Nazareth, 18, who operates a struggling lumber fabrication business out of his own home. But Joseph - and Mary, too - both agree he's not the father. When asked about the father's identity, Mary raves incoherently about angels and dreams, and someone whom she can only identify as God, a likely gang-related alias. "We don't know who this God is, his age, if perhaps he's so much older than young Mary that he might be guilty of statutory rape," said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood of Nazareth. "Notwithstanding, the fact that Mary conceived even though she's still a virgin is all the proof anyone needs, that teaching abstinence to our children is totally unrealistic and ineffective. Can't the right-winged religious extremists see that even when they remain virgins, young people are still going to go out and have sex?"

Rome News and World Report Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues ROME (Associated Papyrus) The Senate voted today to continue the funding of legions in the Middle East under the threat of a dictatorial veto if they passed a bill that would have denied the funds. The move further alienated the Senate's base, which vented its anger with posts on The DailyStylus. "We voted to put them in office with the promise that they'd bring the legions home before Saturnalia. Well, it's Saturnalia and they're not home. I'm never voting again!" wrote Alvamus Goldscroll, an unemployed lyre player from Woodaquaduct. "I'm so angry, I'm getting a mallet. Stop the illegal occupation of Judea!"

JUST THE HEADLINES:

• Birth in manger reveals looming crisis in housing, transportation
• Salvation disproportionately benefits the rich, makes the poor even poorer
• Baby Jesus had no medical insurance: another young family failed by the government
• Uninsured parents forced to give birth in back alleys and mangers
• Baby Jesus in state custody
• Social workers declare Mary, Joseph unfit parents: time for the State to step in
• Where's the baby's biological father?
• Social Worker threatened with damnation for suggesting God might be the ultimate deadbeat parent: "I don't want to go to hell!"
• Planned Parenthood's success story: Herod administration implements ultra-late-term, post birth (up to 2 yrs, or 8th trimester) abortion regimen
• "Savior" born to a transient couple: more proof that anyone can become homeless
• Undocumented shepherds: "We herd sheep Jews won't herd"
• Immaculate Conception Syndrome: A troubling trend among low-income mothers. What should the government do about it?
• Study finds 47% of all inner city women claimed Immaculate Conception at one time or another
• State funds research to prevent new cases of ICS
• "Savior's" birth triggers calls for more roman troops in Judea. The legions are stretched too thin.
• Galilee orator Rux Limbo under fire for calling Bethlehem Census "a big government sham to get at more of your shekels"
• Who Killed the Dead Sea? Environmental group points fingers

This issue was brought to you by collective effort from the following comrades:
Commissarka Pinkie, Laika the Space Dog, General Secretary, Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, Commissar Pupovich, Dr. W. S. Palimpsest.

Merry Winter Solstice to all Party members!

 

As we have come to expect, life imitates the Cube! Outstanding Red Square, simply outstanding! It is about time the truth was finally revealed about this "Christmas" holiday with all of it capitalism fueled by Buch, Cheney, Haliburton and their cronies! I can not begin to express the outrage I felt seeing the world being destroyed by all of the "holiday" lights and the carbon footprint it left! Why, I did not even see even one florescent light bulb! The only bright side I could see was that so many of those ozone destroying lights were made by "house guests" of our Red China compatriots. But I was also forced to see decidedly "Christian" displays from roads bought and paid for by the state! What happened to separation of Church and state? Must us loyal progressives be force to endure such sights? Where is the ACLU? I suppose my illness was eased a bit by the wonderful gift giving video put out by our Empress Hillary. Well, off to a new year of our work to build the Progressive World of Next Tuesday da? Did I say work? Scratch that.
 

Another example of how capitalist fueled greed drains the compassion out of humanity. And how Socialism is the cure. Just look at what Socialism did for District of Columbia.

--
ZB
 

Thank you, Zampolit, for reminding us about it. We should have posted a story about how alienated everybody felt at that manger.

The father was alienated, the mother was alienated, the shepherds were alienated, the Magi were alienated, and even the sheep were alienated. But the most alienated of them all was the baby who is yet to go through the perpetual torture of growing up in an alienated society devoid of compassion. Baby Jesus is a helpless victim of society. Clearly, the only thing that can save him now is joining the collective and submitting to the will of the Party, building the Progressive World of Next Tuesday under the glorious banners of progressive ideology. With any luck he can raise to the ranks of a Class B Manager in Chairman Punchenko's apparatus.
 

The esteemed Red Square

and even the sheep were alienated


Let us be specific as to why the sheep were alienated. They were, and still are, denied voting rights. After all, according to progressive groups like PETA and the A.L.F., sheep are people too.

Once again, the esteemed Red Square

With any luck he can raise to the ranks of a Class B Manager in Chairman Punchenko's apparatus.


Knowing that tight-assed, money grubbing, little thief.... don't count on it! Meow is not known for sharing. BTW, Where the heck is Meow? Sen. Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) has not called me since the last incident. Comrade Gov. Tim Kaine (S-VA) has not called me and his cellphone rolls immediately to voicemail.

You don't supposed......

I shudder just thinking this...

that ....

*shudder*

Meow is at a Bible Study retreat?

--
 

Zampolit Blokhayev

Knowing that tight-assed, money grubbing, little thief.... don't count on it! Meow is not known for sharing. BTW, Where the heck is Meow? Sen. Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) has not called me since the last incident. Comrade Gov. Tim Kaine (S-VA) has not called me and his cellphone rolls immediately to voicemail.

You don't supposed......

I shudder just thinking this...

that ....

*shudder*

Meow is at a Bible Study retreat?

--

That is why I am offering my services to the Party to move up to Vice Chairman whenever he is absent, I am full of vice, and know I can handle this important need. I have a PhD in Vice, and Masters in Advice, Device, and Service. I have even been known to dabble in a few Crevices at times.

As for the Chairman, now I can not say if he is in a "Bible Study" or not... Lenin forbid! But you did see that rather odd and Suspicious Call to Mental Health Line?
 

(character off) Actually, for the Advent series, my church made skits and videos featuring a company called "Herodian Enterprise" which employed a group called 3K (acting suspiciously like the three wise guys, Larry, Curly and Moe) to find a suspected competitor and, of course, kill him; it was neither Biblical nor particularly free-market friendly, but it did make me laugh a lot. They didn't kill anybody; the freeze of their startled faces on the video as they saw, apparently, "the competitor" segued to a soloist singing "Breath of Heaven. (character on)
 

Comrades,

Religion being the opium of the masses, how many capitalist exploitation units are allowed by the Party to purchase enough to bring this proletarian worker to an adequate state of relaxation from which he can resume his selfless tasks on behalf of the People?
 

What If the ACLU Had Existed on Christmas Eve, 0000? (Canada Free Press)
 

Quote:

What If the ACLU Had Existed on Christmas Eve, 0000?


Then we would be able to push the true values and truth about global warming wherever Jesus went. Wherever Jesus went to preach, we would have ten bribed climatologists there to bring attention to the real problem of the environment and how their lack of recycling technology was destroying the world.
 

You're talking about the same Jesus who does Pupovich's lawn, right?
 

Of course! And the Jesus who stands outside Home Depot all day, and the Jesus who smuggles people and drugs across the border. All Jesuses are equal and are included!
 

Marshal Pupovich

But I was also forced to see decidedly "Christian" displays from roads bought and paid for by the state! What happened to separation of Church and state? Must us loyal progressives be force to endure such sights? Where is the ACLU? I suppose my illness was eased a bit by the wonderful gift giving video put out by our Empress Hillary. Well, off to a new year of our work to build the Progressive World of Next Tuesday da? Did I say work? Scratch that.
I know! I go downtown just expecting to go to my local Party approved eating establishment (off) the local grease traps (on) when I see all of these symbols talking about some sort of miraculous birth and angels. I'm thinking, "This is foolish, and not Party approved." If we can't get the ACLU in our areas Marshal (I don't know how you couldn't get them in Nawlns, as opposed to where I am) let us gather together our fellow comrades and have some sort of sit in at the governor's mansions (and maybe redistribute that too).
 

"A Savior Is Born?"

OMG, did they find Comrade Obama's birth certificate???
 

Another Consumer of Nature's Resources Born in Bethlehem
Scrutiny Tightens On Three Magoi's Lobbying Operation
Suspected Religious Cultists Exposed in Bethlehem
Mary: A Pregnant Teen Failed By The Government
Senate Ratings At All-Time Low As Occupation of Judea Continues
 

 

Excellent work Red Square!

It must have been very difficult to locate an original newspaper, which was more likely done on a wax tablet or carved in stone. Door to door delivery must have been a very slow ordeal. Very exacting transliteration from the Aramaic [lingua franca of the middle east] to English with all the correct feelings in the newz.

The town of his birth was "Beth Leckem" [House of Bread].

Am functionally illiterate in Aramaic and Hebrew, I barely get by in English!
 

THE DIGITAL STORY OF THE NATIVITY


 

On a related note, this is what a modern Jesus looks like:


 

The above Christmas story was first posted almost year before the real Savior, Obama, was elected, when the source of all evil, Bush-literally-Hitler, was our hateful ruler, killing billions of people every day because he was mean, stupid, and incompetent.

Now it's been almost a year after Savior Obama has left us and the source of all evil, Trump-literally-Hitler, became our hateful ruler, killing billions of people every day because he is mean, stupid, and incompetent.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.
 

Red Square

The above Christmas story was first posted almost year before the real Savior, Obama, was elected, when the source of all evil, Bush-literally-Hitler, was our hateful ruler, killing billions of people every day because he was mean, stupid, and incompetent.

Now it's been almost a year after Savior Obama has left us and the source of all evil, Trump-literally-Hitler, became our hateful ruler, killing billions of people every day because he is mean, stupid, and incompetent.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Komrade, it is said that if you translate Donald Trump into Latin, you get Pontius Pilate. I don't know the significance of this because the State has prohibited my Oblast from reading or even importing Bibles, but perhaps the residents of another, less-Revolutionary Oblast may illumine me on this subject?
 

Hilarious article! I salute the Old Guard:
Commissarka Pinkie, Laika the Space Dog, General Secretary, Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, Commissar Pupovich, Dr. W. S. Palimpsest.

Happy Marxmas everyone!

PS: in my hometown, there were 4 armed policemen (with semi-automatic rifles) guarding the church for midnight mass.
PPS: comrade Stierlitz: I think this is the solution to your problem: Pontius Pilate = Donald Trump = Hitler. Everybody is Hitler. Except us.
 

This is trending here & there around the Internet this year. I most recently saw it on the The_Donald subreddit.
 

Karl Marx Treatment Center

A most equal video, Comrade


I've seen this guy before and he's pretty good at getting his point across while being inoffensive. Two observations: 1) His definition of current Christianity ("all internalized") is pretty much the Gnostic manifesto, and 2) prostitution is illegal in Clark County, Nevada (where Las Vegas is).


However, he has still earned a visit to the gulag to atone for his comments on Sharia Law, and not espousing that it es equally as equal as Christian Morals.

- SK
 

Wow, Comrade Director reporting in 2007 about Europe 2017?
(admitted, sans concrete barriers and police, machine guns drawn, escorting the, um, jolly mirth.)

(positive side: it proves that Comrade Director's Blavatskian powers remain still expandable!)
 

Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) imitates the People's Cube. Or maybe he just draws inspiration from it. Either way, his recent speech in Congress sounds like a belated contribution to the above story.

Gutierrez exposes the shocking origins of Christmas

... and a Christmas card issued especially for the Democratic members of Congress.