The People's Cube - Political Satire

Yes, comrades, I did it.
Fresh socks, Woodward-style makeup, sharpened pencils and new pad, plus "my papers" of course, I walk straight into Jok Biden's Kampa Headquarters in Scranton, PA.

Wow, hall decorated with JOE NOW! and JOE NO JOKE!! and JOE JOE JOE GO GO GO!!! Immensely spacious. Bright sunbeams rhythmically transect the air, shining from above - like in a cathedral, or in those iconic train stations of yore. No-one to see except "Mrs. Mop" (simpatico vibe, truly Aunt Jemima of the 30s) who phlegmatically shovels shoves her tool on one spot, in slow circles.

Ah, but here he comes. Secretary of Jok B, I presume. Slick, smooth, shmaltzy.
~

SEC: Hello, Mr. ..(?)
TPC: Dummkopf, Genosse Dummkopf. From The People's Pravda. Here my papers, please.

SEC: Wow, that organ. Got some hints from there. So, .. great, Genosse. How can I help you?
TPC: Um, a few.. questions to Mr. Biden, would be formidable, our readers..
SEC: Uh, that's a tad.. difficult. Mr. Biden is.. (looks up, distant ceiling, a screen(?) there or sumtin) is.. busy, you see. But here, I can, I'm ready to help you. Glavpolitruk Rig Jay Cheatalot, Biden's assistant and CPR.

TPC: Very nice of you. And, wow! Glavnyi, principal - Politichyeskiy, political - Rukovodityel', führer leader. Glav-Polit-Ruk, ja?
RJC: Yavol, Dumnosse Genkopf!

TPC: .. but CPR? Cardiopulmonary resuscitation??
RJC: No, no. Chief Presidential Representator.

TPC: Ah.. of course, of course. My dummkopf. Uh, my first question? ..
RJC: Go on, go on.
TPC: Ssso, you know, it used to be Jok Biþen, but now - Biden? What happened?
RJC: Simple story. It was that Grendelssohnovovich, yes. Amazing analyst, prescient prognosticator, tremendous tactician. Yes, Jok Biþen, it was his mysterious blitz. But then, as Electrolight entered the scene, he commended (..TPC: uh, electrolight?..) ..commended switching to "Biden". And returning to "Biþen" later, in the endgame.
TPC: but, electrolight?..
RJC: Wait, wait. First our genius G-vich. You see, as the Veep issue became acute, G was delegated to help the most promising aspirant. Grendelssohnovovich is now with Alexandrovevskivich. Rising star, our Irina.
TPC: Ah, zou zou. And "electrolight"?
RJC: Well, operates since May 1st.

TPC: (confused) Oh.. But.. May 1st, "electrolight"? .. What's that?
RJC: Uh, you not know? Never heard of? Another blitz of Grendelssohnovovich! .. But wait, this is really top-secret. You..?
TPC: Guaranteed, Rig. No single word. At most in People's Pravda inner circle, ja?
RJC: (prideful, eager to show off) Well... Genius G's idea. Simply AI. Create an AI-Joe, named Biden, and shove him in the limelight. Thusly, Jok Biþen relieved until endgame. Rehearsals, secret photo-ops, botoplasticon.
TPC: (shocked) And that, that Robojok, he... he since MAY? MAY 1st?
RJC: Yeah, never heard it? What rock you living under? There, at People's Pravda? Genosskopf?
TPC: (.. dazed ..)
RJC: Of course, May 1st (April 22 was too early).. Sure, some bugs, sometimes hangs up, but all in all... Yeah, Electrolight, we call him Electrolight. After his former superior, who literally - literally! - had a nimbus hovering over Him.
TPC: Ah, zou... (still in shock, now receding)

RJC: However, one mistake, one little mistake we did, our innermost team.
TPC: You don't say.
RJC: .. yes, yes, we did. By some whim, one of us "stuck" a label on Jok Biþen, just goofing around. And then, that label truly stuck on Jok. The one who came up with it, he isn't here anymore. Moved to Irina, too. That Jok-label, it was "Electrolyte", just Electrolyte.
TPC: Wow.
RJC: Yeah. Electrolyte. He was, that guy, a big fan of People's Pravda. (jokingly) Would be kinky, if he got that "Electrolyte" from your Organ, eh?
TPC: Bua-ha-ha! Indeed..

RJC: (changes topic) You know, Jok "Electrolyte" Biþen will be back in the final week of October. All of a sudden. Will make all Trumpsters keel over, no?
TPC: Sure, sure. Sure as Marx, uh, Mars!
RJC: "Electrolyte", haha. Talkin' a mile a minute. Erupting brightest ideas. Panaceae for all "problems". Whether it's orbiting carbon, vajayjay rays, or bad breath. Unscripted, impromptu, off the cuff! Always doing his little running on the podium routine. Dynamic, sprightly, fit.
TPC: Yay!
RJC: Only, we must then pay helluva attention. You know: Biden-Electrolight, Biþen-Electrolyte. Be a shame if someone mixed that up, no? Right in the endkampf, yes?
TPC: uh, "endkampf"?
RJC: Yea, yea. That guy, the Electrolyte-label-guy, he always "endkampf" and "endkampf". Ultimately, it also stuck with our team.
TPC: Gee!

RJC: (ringtone in pants) Um, meeting. Was a pleasure to have you here, Genosse Dumko. And psst! on interna, ok?
TPC: Same here, same here. And: discretion guaranteed. But then, by just alluding, we can be of great help for your endkampf, ja?








P.S.
Komrades!

Here in Bavariastan, the third day in a row(!) a giant heat ball is moving mesmerizingly slow across our blue sky. Scary! Vee not haf any know vot its gender may is. Shucks!

Typing so tricky, with these asbestos gloves on.. Heat! Heat! Only at night that ball recedes. How iz in tranzatlantik kubicles? The bunker WMOMNE? The end must be nigh! Either zis, or Outright Revoolooshun!!!

I must say Genosse, your interview was an electrolytefull success. I tried to watch CNN's interview with Operation Mockingbird Cooper but how many times should the interviewer remind the interviewee what their favorite color is? I am afraid my attention span was the same as it has always been when something is as boring as watching grass grow.

Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin wrote:... I am afraid my attention span was the same as it has always been when ...

Good ol' Gulag "doktor" Gene Dupf strongly recommends Komradette CIZ never, repeat never, to indulge in imbibing extremsubelectrolytic events like e.g. here !

Yet, should an intoxication occur, same "doktor" keeps an instant (doublepluselectrolytic!) rumbarbarum in case of an acute attack.



Jiffywise demonstration:

Genosse Dummkopf [color=#999999](above)[/color] wrote:... (doublepluselectrolytic!) rumbarbarum ...

From the Did-Ya-Know? Faculty, re rumbarbarum.

Did'ya know that (otherwise sleepy) Jok Biden is well aware of that specialty?


(reuse)

If you don't see, how this brilliance makes Jok B the perfect POTUS 46, then I can't help you, comrade. Or, in lingo of Komradette Clara's oblast': I can't hep ya, nope.

"If you don't like this Jok Biden vote for the other Jok Biden, Jok Biden's wife. I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message." - The other Joe Biden

Marx-damn that Cheatalot! So that's where the leaks of Jok's speeches were coming from! I never really did trust him... He smelled funny. My gut told me right away that I should just eat him. But then, I get that with most people...

In any case, things are going swimmingly here in Irina's camp. She is quite the fine woman. (Likes her steak rare she does!) Just got done clearing out some of the dead-wood among her campaign staff (uRRRp!). (Excuse me.) I'll head back to the Biþen camp to tie up that Cheatalot loose-end once my stomach settles...

Yours politically, Komrade Grendelssohnovovich
Manager, “Alexandrovevskivich 2024” Campaign
(Formerly of the “Harris/Biþen 2020” Campaign
“Because You Can't Beat a Dead Ho/rse!”)

Grendelssohnovovich wrote:Marx-damn that Cheatalot! ...

Yes, Komrade G! "slick, smooth, shmaltzy", surely a thing for your liking.

But, but – next step: DEBATE!
Glorious Tuesday September 29, 9 pm ET.

See steely Electrolight mop the floor with Trumputler! (boo! boo! boo!)

One thing sure – literally sure, here & now, TODAY!:
Electrolight won! Drumpf worm! Cringing worm, gedoutahere!

He/She/Xzypf who not believe, he/she/Xzypf not Korrekt Komrade!
Kolyma! Kolyma! Kolyma!


ENDSIEG OF THE GOOD™ NOW!
FORWARD TO LEFTWARD RIGHTEOUSNESS!
DICKTAT OF KORREKTIFIED MASSES ON THE HORIZON!

I'm just wondering, comrade GD, if this whole scheme fails, who gets to be hung out to dry? We'd have to go after the programmers and their supervisors, of course, but more heads should roll.

If we can't get a robot to beat Trump then, obviously, the campaign manager should be publicly flogged and then shot, after that we can have a show trial and candlelight vigil (we can get a lot of PPV mileage out of that).

I worry, however, that the programming staff has been infiltrated by subversives. Some of the things coming out of the mouth of that robot are concerning. You know the thing.

Perhaps there should be a purge after the Debate™.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:... campaign manager [AND] the programming staff has been infiltrated by subversives ...

TRUMPutler, Kapitan, TRUMPutler... (freshly baked proof just in!)

Comrades, we have evidence that this article is not merely deflective Propaganda™:

“You're the ones who sent Barack Obama the presidency. And I have a simple proposition here: I'm here to ask you for your help. Where I come from, you don't go very far unless you ask. My name's Joe Biden. I'm a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate. Look me over. If you like what you see, help out. If not, vote for the other Biden. Give me a look though, okay?” — Joe Biden getting confused about which office he is running for.