6/12/2020, 5:58 pm
We've all heard about the Antifa collective who have seized six city blocks in downtown Seattle and are now trying to set up a collective farm there to grow their own food.
As a former Soviet citizen, I feel obligated to offer their leaders advice based on practical experience.
Since none of you know how to grow seeds into beets, make Mike Bloomberg your minister of agriculture; he'll be your best expert. Coerce him into joining your collective farm. That way, what's yours will be his, and vice versa. That's a lot of seed money.
For a collective farm to work you must first cleanse your ranks of wreakers, spies, saboteurs, and other enemies of the people, once you collectivize their property. Convert one of the six city blocks into a Gulag (aka concentration camp or forced labor camp), where these thoughtfelons can redeem themselves by toiling for the Common Good™ planting beets.
Then there's an issue of some collective farmers being more successful than others. Round them all up, label them kulaks, and dekulakize them. Convert one more city block into a forced labor Gulag. Now, with so much free labor, you're bound to have great economic success and prove to the hateful world that your way is better than their capitalist wage slavery and oppression.
Of course, no progress is possible unless the totality of your citizens are of one mind and focused on the same common goal. You must identify all those who are unfocused and send them to the re-education camp, so they can learn to appreciate their freedom from the totalitarian capitalist police state outside. This will require converting the third of your six blocks into a Gulag. Upon completing their indoctrination and self-criticism sessions, the inmates can spend their free evening time digging up underground communication cables and remaking them into barbed wire for all the new Gulags you'll be running.
Getting rid of those cables will be necessary in order to protect your free citizens from capitalist propaganda. For their own good you must block their access to the Internet and other means of communication with the outside world. Adorned with razor-sharp barbs, the cables will protect your impenetrable border from capitalist spies and wreckers, and keep your free citizens from escaping their work duties before they've paid their debt to the society that fed them. And since you, their leaders, represent the society, your citizens will owe everything to you personally for as long as they live.
Don't be afraid to promote your own personality cult, it's good for the overall morale. Another morale booster is public denunciations and show trials, so don't be afraid to level false charges. All comrades should understand this and readily confess, sacrificing their freedom, comfort, and good name for the Common Good™. If they don't, that means they aren't conscientious enough and deserve to be in a re-education camp making barbed wire or planting beets.
You will notice that some pre-existing stores and businesses are prone to hoarding people's goods and food stuffs. If these remnants of the bourgeois class don't agree to run their stores for free and let people take what they need without paying, they are the enemy and need to be re-educated in a Gulag. They've failed to understand a simple economic fact: once you've claimed collective ownership of their buildings, everything that's inside also belongs to the people and must be shared equally. Convert your fourth block into a Gulag for these and other unreformed citizens with a suspicious past, meaning all previously successful professionals who collaborated with the oppressive capitalist system and thus got rich by oppressing others.
You will have to convert the fifth city block in your possession into barracks and communal dormitories for all the numerous prison guards, border guards, bodyguards, infantrypersons, and other armed forces of the commune. A new civilian force must replace the disbanded police and enforce social justice, not according to the racist oppressive laws, but as their proletarian and race consciousness will command them. You may call them the People's Militia as they did in the USSR, or culturally appropriate a word from the enlightened France: Gendarmerie.
Organizing your real estate in this manner will solve all your housing problems. There will be no need for wasteful new housing, which is good for Mother Earth. Just make sure your tenants don't start having babies - that'll kill all your plans for a well-balanced future society. So instead of building new houses you must invest in abortions clinics - they are your key to a happier and better world. Do it for The Children™.
The sixth and last city block must become a zone of comfort and beauty. It's where the leaders will live with their families and staff, enjoying a place where they can recover from the demanding duties of making the world a better place. Clean and well-maintained, this block will be your showcase of success for visiting foreign dignitaries.
Of course, your highest-ranking leaders will be able to make return foreign visits. They and the most trusted ideological workers will be able to leave their free zone and travel to give speeches at academic conferences and ivy league colleges about the unparalleled progress inside your glorious new society, as well as to show off its abundant prosperity while on vacation in Vegas.
In case you run out of money, purge Mike Bloomberg and send him to the Gulag. Declare him an unreformed capitalist and nationalize his unfairly gained assets. Then appoint Tom Steyer as your minister of climate change and environment. Thankfully, there's no end to capitalist gazillionaires looking to invest in a worthy progressive cause.
I'm sure you'll get it right this time,
Oleg Atbashian
