1/22/2017, 4:53 pm
In a last-ditch effort to raise Global Warming awareness before the Trump administration's takeover, the EPA has spent its entire 2017 budget to create a free-to-play game app called CO2 Go. Available on iOS and Android devices, the new game is similar to Pokémon Go, only instead of Pokémon the users are encouraged to catch rogue carbon dioxide molecules in the air around them, and redeem their catch for carbon credits.
The EPA officials believe that the new game will be just as popular as Pokémon Go, but a lot more socially redeeming because the players will be also saving the planet from climate change and feeling better about themselves at the same time.
Why is it important to catch CO2?
The EPA researchers have determined that every time the CO2 levels increased in the past, it resulted in Global Warming, racism, patriarchy, and the invasion of the thong-wearing mutants as seen in Figure 1 below.
Are all CO2 molecules evil?
Not all CO2 molecules are bad, but the ones generated by SUVs and capitalist manufacturing are pure evil and are marked with a special hashtag. In fact, catching good CO2 molecules will starve the trees and the player will lose points.
What drives some CO2 molecules to become evil?
Today there are 400 ppm (parts-per-million) of CO2 in the air, compared to 300 ppm in the year 1850. Imagine a solid cube with 100 random air molecules in length, width, and height. 100×100×100 makes one million random air molecules, of which about 400 are CO2. Of that amount, 300 are good and legal, while the remaining 100 are outright evil and may as well be dressed in Nazi uniforms.
The circulation of that evil carbon around the Earth is described in this EPA graph:
The complex mechanics of its circulation is well-documented by the EPA climate scientists:
While surveying Earth's atmosphere for evil CO2 molecules, expect them to come on trajectories from every direction:
The EPA's entire 2017 budget was spent on this designated CO2 marking equipment, and the agency's climate scientists have spent the last two months since the election on marking all rogue carbon pieces around the Earth with a special glowing hashtag, #JeSuisCarbon:
Look for #JeSuisCarbon molecules circling around you in the atmosphere, and catch them using your own iPhone, Android Smartphone, or tablet.
Expect to see the participants of the upcoming #ScienceMarch on Washington carry their phones in the air and catch evil CO2 molecules as they righteously demand the continuation of government grants for climate change, gender studies, economic justice, and other vital academic activities that are now being endangered by the anti-science Trump administration.
* * *
Additional reporting by Comrade Red Square
