Attorney-General Ayers rolls out "Adopt a Capitalist Pig" program, in which proletarian recipient of reparation payments can select donor
Microsoft moves its last U.S. facility to Shanghai; CNN slams "the Bush economic legacy"
President Murtha orders provisional withdrawal of U.S. troops from pacified sectors of Utah, Idaho, and Wyoming
Vermont man beaten to death by angry mob for placing aluminum can in paper recycling bin
~
New York Rangers goalie struck in mammary gland by flying puck; sues opposing male player for sexual harassment Vermont man beaten to death by angry mob for placing aluminum can in paper recycling bin Saudis unhappy with allotment of only 50 seats in Congress; threaten to pull plug on financing of Democrat Party
Debate continues in Congress over national family income limit; Sen. Joe-the-Plumber (R-Ohio) argues that $20K may be too low
Saudis unhappy with allotment of only 50 seats in Congress; threaten to pull plug on financing of Democrat Party
New York Rangers goalie struck in mammary gland by flying puck; sues opposing male player for sexual harassment
World Court nullifies U.S. Constitution's Fourteenth "Equal Protection" Amendment, alleging it conflicts with right of oppressed to seek compensation
Obama memoirs added to reading list of Harvard's "Great Texts of Western Civilization" course
Man eaten alive by work of art at Brooklyn Museum's "Living Animal Collage" exhibit
Time Magazine's "Victim of the Year" award goes to a paraplegic pygmy lesbian retarded Muslim domestically-abused welfare mother with breast cancer and AIDS
Proliferation of icebergs in northern Atlantic threatens shipping; Al Gore blames secret ice-making machine in basement of Fox News
Greenpeace apologizes for death of 26 children after cute orphaned polar bears were released on Puget Sound
Farmer in Scotland sentenced to five years in prison for insulting burglar's choice of firearm
300 American tourists rounded up and shot in Indonesia; Secretary of State Reid dispatched to Jakarta to engage in "constructive dialogue"
Canadian Human Rights Commission rules that a f_ee pre_s is d_ngerous f_r the pe_ple
Boston City Council mandates that geographic distribution of restaurants must be proportional to percentage of each ethnic group in population
French President Mohammed Abu-Gauche deports Parisian gay pride protesters to San Francisco
Another glass ceiling shattered: The transgendered Micronesian field marshal, Fudgadunga Flukaka, appointed secretary-general of the United Nations
In the spirt of bipartisanship and in the tradition of the Democratic Party's respect for the office of the President elect Freedomslave presests his:
9 Things Cocaine Osama Has to do to be My President
1) Do a recount and a full investigation to see if this moron really won. Everyone knows there was massive voter fraud with multiple convictions in battleground states but absolutely no verification of how many votes ACORN actually stole for cocaine Osama. So this is the first step, we all would like to know who really won the election.
2) Take a citizenship test and pass it to prove as the commander and chief exactly how many states we actually have. This is not the Islamic Republic and here in the US we only have 50 states, it’s easy to remember and after you do this I personally will stop calling you a moron until you say something else retarded (like the constitution is a bill of negative liberties). Also you can get sworn in again as a US citizen, it was mandatory before you ran for office but I’m sure when you were counting all the illegal campaign contributions on your web site, you were just to busy but this brings me to my third thing.
3) Open up the campaign logs so we can backtrack all the credit cards with phony names and see if any illegal money poured into your coffers. I’m pretty sure that if you were too stupid to know how many states we have then you definitely have a pile of cash to return to foreign entities who want to sway the elections.
4) Give back all the Freddie and Fannie bribe kickback money they paid you as a senator to not oversee the financial disaster you and Barney Frank caused. This is a big deal because you two with Bush ruined a lot of people’s 401k accounts so at least if you give the dirty money back they will know you feel bad about being a corrupt piece of human garbage.
5) Turn the reverb down on your microphone when you give a speech. I know your staff is telling you it makes you sound god like, but out here in real America it just makes you sound stupid (especially when you don’t know how many states we have).
6) Stop lying to everyone about not raising our taxes, we all know you are going to ram it up our back sides hard, and especially when you lie with all the idiotic booming reverb you sound like David Chappell doing his crack head voice.
7) Mandatory drug tests. Yes you are an admitted coke head (who doesn’t know how many states we have) so in order for you to remember exactly how many I need you to stop using the coke until your term is up (or until we find out who really won the election).
8) Give the house that Chicago mobster Fat Tony Resko stole for you to charity. You will have a new house (depending on how many votes ACORN stole for you) on Pennsylvania Ave. so you don’t need the dirty mob house anymore. This will also confuse your cocaine supplier so it will help you pass the drug tests.
9) Make a strong statement against racism. It’s difficult for me to believe that you sat in church with a race baiting poverty pimp like Reverend Wright and listened to him ranting against America and white people for twenty years. (Although if you were all coked up it makes perfect sense.) This will go a long way in alleviate the rest of white America’s fears and getting the real votes next time around so you don’t have to steal any.
Vermont man beaten to death by angry mob for placing aluminum can in paper recycling bin
Although commendable, this angry mob should turn in to the nearest re-education center. Why didn't they deposit the life-challenged person in the nearest Ex-Citizen Recycling Bin? Soylent Green doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Uh, Jack Murtha isn't going to be president in 2020 because Obama will still be there. Heck, he'll only be about 59 years old and with his life extension treatments, that'll give him at least another 60-odd years to rule the USSA.
Congress FINALLY impeaches Bush! Representative Henry Waxman resigns in disgust when the Senate fails to retroactively remove Bush from office during his first term.
Obama unites the country by signing the Talk-Radio Fairness Amendment Act into law and outlaws Rush Limbaugh. (Sean Hannity was already jailed for violating the Love Obama Act of 2009.)
Man eaten alive by work of art at Brooklyn Museum's "Living Animal Collage" exhibit
Comrades,
A socio-economic statement on the inhumanity of capitalism, said work's animal is actually one of the unpaid Obama workers who, near starvation due to a lack of nutriets in its WealthSpread diet, had no choice but to eat an innocent exploited worker, citizen, visitor, and single parent of five. Passersby applauded the incident with shouts of "Feed it to The Man" and "Steak Truth to Power!"
Ticket sales skyrocketed the following day when the New States Times dutifully reported the incident in its Counter-Culture section. However, ticket receipts quickly declined when new visitors took greater care to stay beyond the reach of the work's star. A few visitors to whom WealthSpread ration cards had been denied did intentionally cross the safety zone but were either forcibly rescued and later escorted away in comfortable unmarked vans without sirens or looked at bemusedly by the star whose stomach remained bloated from the previous day's crapulous feast.
• State news outlets again revert party colors to reassociate the Red with the Democrats. Blue is changed to Pink out of respect for certain minority groups, to show greater unity in color and ideology, and to make it harder for non-Democrats to realize which state is their own and whether polling has already closed with a DNC win or not.
• Chicago dyes its river red instead of green for St. Patrick's Day. Aldermen push for it to be renamed to St. Obama's Day, a motion which is subsequently passed. No votes are cast against the proposal, although a few aldermen from reactionary communities do vote "present." This trend increases after "no" voters in previous elections are found in the Des Plaines River and the phrase "concrete shoes" makes a comeback.
• Webster's acknowledges the word "borderboinger" for the large number of people who frantically cross back and forth between the US and Canadian borders. The term is most frequently applied to those who die of exhaustion at ports of entry.
• Secessionist movements gain strength, but the state proves stronger.
• Rural communities arrange themselves into privately held trusts that encompass lots of farm acreage. Janet Reno proteges set fire to as many as possible, for their own and the common good.
• The Amish are relocated en masse to unelectrified penal colonies in Alaska because they refuse to pledge allegiance to anyone but God; they fail to accept that Obama is God. Unlike other deportations, this one saves the People's State money because the Amish are pacifists. Their formerly productive farmland is redistributed to ACORN staff and people George Soros likes (until he quits liking them; people do not think about what happens after that). Results similar to those in Zimbabwe fail to be reported in the state media.
• The Amish are joined by those Rastas too stoned to fight back, although some Rastas merely remain under state suspicion after conceding that, as per Bob Marley, "the Almighty God is a living man" refers not to Haile Selassie but Barry Obama.
• The Red Cross becomes the Red Circle (aka the Red 'O') and blood donations become mandatory. Those without recent donations are denied bread rations. To ensure equal and anonymous access to all, validation checks are intentionally disabled in the blood donor system, as in the political funds donor system. A blackmarket run by "bloodheads" proves hard to stamp out.
The new wordspeak. Welfare will now be called "lottery winnings", gay marriage will be constitutionally referred to as "unreproductive rights", taxes will be called "congressional direct deposit"and abortion will now be called "every kid of mine, left behind"! The collective has spoken!
ELECTIONS SUSPENDED
Unnecessary use of People's money, Big O proclaims
PARIS-From the office ovale, President Obama made it clear that change is still the watchword, as he declared that voting is unconstitutional. "Voting for one candidate over another violates the Equal Protection Clause. Also, some citizens choose the wrong answer on "ballot initiatives," which leaves them feeling confused and out of touch. We must all work together, and voting often leads to divisivness, which must be avoided. Since there is only one right answer to every question, and one right candidate for every office, we will eliminate the hypocrisy and oppression inherent in democracy. Besides, the money spent in election season can be put to better use. We need to train more plumbers, for example," Obama declared. The citizens, ever hopeful, cheered.
Comrades,
It delights me to see your reactions, and particularly the homage your are paying to The One, our glorious leader, as he prepares to invigorate our miserable lives with Hope and Change. In this spirit, allow me to share with you some inside information regarding the transformation of the Executive Branch that awaits us in the months ahead.
President Obama proclaims national holiday to celebrate fifth anniversary of the 28th Amendment (Repeal of the 22nd Amendment).
Government stands fast in opposition to offshore oil drilling, as it will still take 10 years to see results which are needed now.
Commissarka Pinkie:
Thought that this article I saw this morning went along w/ the above statement.
WASHINGTON – President-elect Obama's transition chief said Sunday the incoming administration is looking to reverse President Bush's executive orders on stem cell research, oil and gas drilling and other matters.
John Podesta said the president can use such orders to move quickly without waiting for Congress to act, highlighting the extraordinary powers a president can wield beyond signing legislation approved by Congress. Podesta said people should expect Obama to use those powers to reverse many policies of the Bush administration.
"I think across the board, on stem cell research, on a number of areas, you see the Bush administration even today moving aggressively to do things that I think are probably not in the interest of the country," Podesta said in a broadcast interview.
"There's a lot that the president can do using his executive authority without waiting for congressional action, and I think we'll see the president do that," Podesta said.
Sounds as if the new Obama administration is going to hit the ground running alright. Rahm, "Just give me the pen, dammit!"
your surly chef,
Che' Gourmet
PS Does anyone know if there is any way to counter "executive authority"?
One of these is taken from Pinkie, I plan to make this into an advanced copy of the NYT for pre-publishment to select party members. Afterall, when you make the news nothing is a surprise!
1. President Biden stands fast in his opposition to offshore drilling. "It will take ten years to produce results that are needed now"
2. Republicans at the center of trillion dollar Fannie Mae meltdown. "A lack of regulation (Republicans generally oppose regulation) at Fannie Mae and Freddie mac led to extensive loans given to unreliabile borrowers"
2.2 Congressional Democrats insist any bailout bill must include provisions for Affordable housing.
2.5 Republican strategist John Anderson worked as a lobbyist for Fannie Mae, earning over $200,000 between 2010 and 2014
3. Large protests hault completion of East Texas Project "Nuclear power is too expensive, too dangerous and too slow"
4. Chinese oppose emissions reductions. "Our per Capita emissions are just 2/3 that of the US"
5. Continued brownouts plague California's electric grid after calm weather - Texas's corrupt Republican administration refuses power exports.
6. I sream you scream, we all scream for ice cream futures! – Why continued cloud cover in Florida means high ice cream prices throughout the country. Meanwhile, speculators are earning record profits and driving the increase in ice cream prices. (This is due to to their use of solar panels)
I would like to present you the Order of Lenin for journalism, however, you left out the most important prediction.
"The Alinsky Memorial, the tallest building in the USSA, was completed in front of the capital building, and stands as a tribute to the greatest Communist that ever lived. The City of Alinskygrad (formerly Washington) celebrated with a mass outpouring of enthusiasm and speeches by THE ONE!"
"Joseph Stalin's remains have been moved to Alinskygrad, USSA, for permanent display. Millions of comrades, from peasants to high level party members have lined up to honor Joseph Stalin, now considered The One's guiding vision."
"The City of Chicago has officially been renamed Hillarygrad, in honor of that city's greatest hero since Al Capone."
"Work is underway to re-carve Mount Rushmore to
Joseph Stalin Saul Alinsky Comrade Hillary and, of course, THE ONE"
On your web page, you forgot the Ministry of Re-education!
Mount Rushmore is dismantled and renamed Mount Flushmore featuring the faces of Alinsky, Ayers, Wright and Rezko. Obama's face is not on it because no one can depict god.
There was a bill in San Francisco ballot to rename of the sewage treatment plant to "George W Bush". Surprisingly it didn't pass. Neither did the bill for legalizing prostitution, but the bill to allow ROTC in the schools did get passed.
"Congress unanimously declares the Constitution Unconstitutional. Founders believed in God. The people rejoice in the final great step towards Utopian Charter".
"The New Confederate States of America have won another victory in the Second American Civil War. Reports from the battle at New Leningrad (formerly Takoma Park, MD) are saying that the Obamunist forces have been all but wiped out. New CSA President Pat Robertson said from the CSA capital in Wedowee, Alabama "It was God's will!!! Jesus gave us a direct order to kill every infidel on site, and we did!!!". News reports indicate that USSA President for Life B. Hussain Obama has been evacuated to Bill Ayers basement in Chicago. In other news a heretic convicted of preaching that Jesus taught us to love everyone as your brother, was put to death in Mississippi. News at 11"
There was a bill in San Francisco ballot to rename of the sewage treatment plant to "George W Bush". Surprisingly it didn't pass. Neither did the bill for legalizing prostitution, but the bill to allow ROTC in the schools did get passed.
What the f**k is going on here?!?
There was a poll taken by the Washington Post (of all things!) during the Clinton-Dole campaign in '96. They basically listed the positions of each of the candidates side-by-side without telling the responders which was which. In this anonymous environment, voters preferred Dole's ideas by a slight majority. But yet when the faces and names of the candidates were put on the boxes, the voters chose Clinton. Go figure. I think a large number of people don't really know what the candidates or the parties really represent. There are quite a few people about who think Obama is a pro-lifer! Politicians like Obama encourage this ambiguity because they know if people really knew what they were about, their careers would be DOA. It's gonna be a real eye-opener to many when the real Obama (at least, the one history would suggest is the real Obama) steps forward.
S.F. votes against legal prostitution and for ROTC. Kanuckistan has had a conservative P.M. for some time now. France has a conservative President. And we in the U.S. vote into the Presidency someone who appears, on the surface, to be a Marxist. I swear! I think someone had taken the world and flipped it upside down.
The Left goes right. The Right goes left. It's giving me motion sickness. "Bartender! Scotch. Neat. And make it a double!"
* Party Chairman Obama for once and for all settles the Bush financial mess by fixing the price of all stocks, and setting all stock indexes at a value of 50,000 Amero-rubles, permanently.
* Secretary of the Treasury, Comrade William Jefferson takes bull from now defunct Wall Street exchange and places at site of former alter in the former National Cathedral. All pagan comrades are welcome to freely secretly worship this golden calf, but should remember even paganism is an opiate of the masses.
* Commissar Rahm Emmanuel adds a chapter exposing all capitalists, bitterclingers, and success seekers as Enemies of the Masses, and changes title from "The Plan" to "The Final Solution".
* Party Chairman Obama adds Commissar Emanuel's newly retitled book "The Final Solution" to the required reading list at all educational collectives.
* Due to the shortage of medical scanners and aspirin the Unpatriotic Olds (those 50 and older) will no longer receive the beneficence and love of the Holy One through Medicine. On the Bright Side, there will be lots of openings in the Official Crematoria and the Heat Ration will be increased by 5%.
* The illegal importation of gasoline over the borders has increased. The Secretary of the Sierra Club has mandated immediate execution for those found possessing any gasoline. Over 25 miscreants have faced the people's justice in just the past 2 weeks.
* The Department of Income has announced a 6% decrease in all Obamanaian's income for the next 6 months. Comrades, we must all pull together to defeat the horrible after effects of the Bush Administration's economic damage. However, we are promising each living unit (defined as those sharing Obamahousing not larger than 50 square meters but including spouses, ex-spouses, gay-spouses and farm animals with which you share a meaningful sexual relationship) an extra 50 calories of food in Celebration of the Breaking of the Ice. This year it is expected that the thaw might come as early as 20 June.
* Due to the shortage of medical scanners and aspirin the Unpatriotic Olds (those 50 and older) will no longer receive the beneficence and love of the Holy One through Medicine. On the Bright Side, there will be lots of openings in the Official Crematoria and the Heat Ration will be increased by 5%.
* The illegal importation of gasoline over the borders has increased. The Secretary of the Sierra Club has mandated immediate execution for those found possessing any gasoline. Over 25 miscreants have faced the people's justice in just the past 2 weeks.
* The Department of Income has announced a 6% decrease in all Obamanaian's income for the next 6 months. Comrades, we must all pull together to defeat the horrible after effects of the Bush Administration's economic damage. However, we are promising each living unit (defined as those sharing Obamahousing not larger than 50 square meters but including spouses, ex-spouses, gay-spouses and farm animals with which you share a meaningful sexual relationship) an extra 50 calories of food in Celebration of the Breaking of the Ice. This year it is expected that the thaw might come as early as 20 June.
As the devastating results of failed economic policies of President Bush continue to affect our lives, the rations of food have, once again, been reduced. A family of four now gets a daily ration of ˝ pound of poorly baked bread, 4 medium size potatoes and Ľ pound of margarine. The People’s vodka is still available without limits.
Toilet paper joins the list of officially outlawed items that are declared “the excesses of capitalism”. The USSA’s only newspaper, The Obama Times (formerly known as The New York Times), is being printed with perforations around every 5x5 size of text to accommodate readers/consumers. The progressives around the world are ecstatic and pledge to follow the suit. Al Gore urges consumers to recycle unused as well as used portions of the paper.
The People's Assimilation Administration (Formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Services-the name have been changed because of lawsuits involving the offensive word "Naturalization") have adopted a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy with respect to an applicant's former alliances, such as The People's liberation of Afghanistan and Southern Pakistan (Formerly Al Qaeda) The Russian Alliance (Formerly The Russian Mob) The People's Liberation of Israel (Formerly Hezbollah) etc. etc.
Former GITMO prisoners are in charge of the responsibility of ensuring that all visa applicant's paperwork gets lost and/or burned.
Culture News : Britney Spears (now 39) releases her 10th studio album "Necrophiliac" in which she ululates the exquisitely artsy song "Sex me hard, Obama corpse" and "Rock my O like an old dead Ho." Fans are lukewarm in their reception.
One of the members of Britney's dwindling fan base.
Because of no drilling for the oil that is needed now, all NASCAR tracks have been nationalized and racing of any type banned. To allow the homeless to have a home, all those who will soon formerly own a house 600 to 3000 square feet will be moved to the track infields to live in the unused FEMA trailors. (Act now and stand in the box cars at the head of the train.) Remember, leave your belongings comrades as "Spread the wealth" has expanded into "Your stuff is now my stuff". As more trailors are being built, a formaldehyde shortage has ensued.
*Obamaton forces routed from stronghold of Chicago forced to retreat to last line of defense in Milwaukee.
After ten years of bitter civil war which was touched off by Obama's Civilian Security Force, called Obamatons, trying to force collectivization of citizens personal property, they have finally been routed to their last stronghold of Milwaukee. Army spokesmen have confirmed that Milwaukee being of no military value can remain in the Obamatons hands.
The Army has already begun surrounding the city sealing off all entrance and exit, while the Navy has implemented a naval blockade to prevent access to Milwaukee's ports. The military expects to be able to move in and claim the city in approximately three months after the Obamatons have been crushed under the seige.
It was only 5 years ago that the Obamaton forces were at their height, claiming 90 percent of the country, but with the United States Army crushing the UN forces at the Battle of Washington and forcing their unconditional surrender, their stranglehold on the country began to wane.
It was the beginning of the end when the military refused to follow Obama's orders and he was forced to call in the UN to try and quell the military uprising.
Yes, but only by visible minority female endangered species... and Bruno.
* white male suffrage movement marches forward and in a bold move, demonstrates for the cause by having their humiliated families summarily round them up, bind them, bury them standing upright up to their shoulders and stone them to death in order to regain their families' honour.
In a daring night battle that has been compared to "a second Cowpens", rebel forces seized the Arlington Heights above the city and have broken through Loyalist attempts to hold off an encirclement of the city. Washington D.C. is now under siege, with 3-term President Obama reportedly holed up in a "secure location" within the city that, according to sources, is not the White House, as that location is now considered at risk with rebel forces able to fire at will into the heart of the city.
Surprisingly enough, rebel leaders have refrained from shelling and have announced that "out of respect to our common heritage, we will not attempt to enter the city, nor shall we bombard it. Instead, the traitor president has one of two options: surrender, or wait until the hunger in the city gets so bad that the denizens will kill him and bring his corpse to us."
An attempt by the Loyalist New Jersey National Guard to counter-attack and break the solidifying siege was broken up by the 5th Florida Volunteers and Naval Aviation units backing the rebel assault.
... Princess Leia is being held captive on the Deathstar. Meanwhile, after coming home to find his aunt and uncle murdered by Stormtroopers, Luke and Obi-wan, accompanied by smugglers Han Solo and Chewbakka and the droids R2-D2 and C-3PO, escape Tatooine on the Millennium Falcon, headed for Alderaan. They find only rubble and the echo of the deathscream of millions echoing across The Force. Were it not a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, Obama would have saved Alderaan, turned the Deathstar into community housing, and defeated Darth Vader and the Emperor, and returned the Galaxy to peace, taking it from the Imperial forces and returning it to the Rebel Alliance, thereby redistributing George Lucas' infinite wealth to those who need it most.
Prime lake front property available in Rockford, IL near where Chicago used to be (some slight radiation traces, but nothing to worry over). Excellent view of the glowing anomaly over Lake Michigan!
Amendment MCMXVII to the Constutituion of the United States is Passed with 99 Votes of Yea and one Vote of Present.
It Reads as Follows:
Articles I, II, and III are hereby combined into Article 'O.' All executive, legislative, and judicial powers are now streamlined for maximum government efficiency. Great Leader (pause to reflect on his greatness)...will possess the authority to create law, decide law, and execute law, as he is supremely fair, just, and kind.
Thanks be unto Great Leader. May his light shine upon us, so that we can fulfill all quotas!
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
