I'm a little bit creepy, old man by your side
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't hand out candy, but boy if I did
I'd drive a van on the street you live
If I was a stalker, but, but then again, no
Or the man who looks in your windows on nights when you don't know
They say it's not much, but it's just what I do
My gift is my touch, and this one's for you
And now watches everybody my little wrong
It may be perverted, but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I got on your nerves
How creepy my life is, cos I'm just a perv...
April 1st in our kollektive is always the day of remembrance and celebration. We honor the unparalleled achievements of our Party organ throughout its heroic existence, and we celebrate all our glorious successes of the past year.
The main Current Truth of the past year was the Trump-Motherland Kollusion. Ending with the Mueller report, all the goals of our Five Year Kollusion Plan have been achieved ahead of schedule: pit Amerikans against each other, demoralize the nation, and portray its leaders as disturbingly vile degenerates. The Kremlin comrades who wrote the Steele Dossier have received government medals and are currently rolling on the floor laughing...
The most damning testimony yet proving Trump's culpability was Robert's Mueller's recent claim during a CNN interview: "He turned me into a newt!"
A somewhat startled Christiane Amanpour blurted, "A newt!?" Appearing momentarily befuddled, Mueller seemed to recover himself and offer a rational explanation: "Well, I got better," he said to satisfied nods among the press corps.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was deeply concerned by revelations of Trump's magical powers. "If he has power to turn good men like Mueller into a newt, he may have power to cast spells and confuse...
BYOB: bring your own beets, comrades. Or potatoes, if you're feeling adventurous.
The word on the street is that Schiff is about to demand a special prosecutor to investigate Mueller's obvious collusion with Russia in his investigation of Trump's obvious collusion with Russia.
I just wasn't ready for kittens. Maybe later when things are better and I'm in the right space for kittens, but not now. Why should my life be disrupted by visits to the vet, shots, getting the little furballs spayed and neutered, extra cat litter, and the list just goes on and on. Also, it's the best thing for Athena, my tabby who has a right to choose. I know my cat, and I can tell you she's not ready for kittens, either. So, we decided it's off to the vet to have her litter aborted, and it was such a positive experience.
First, the vet took a sonogram of the little kitty fetuses. I still have the picture, and it's one of my dearest possessions. Also, the vet had a group of interns who had come to see different cat abortion techniques...
Beto announces his 2020 presidential bid while hypnotizing his dog via the butt-rubbing technique.
Бeto's inspirational poetry is very Maya Angelou-ish. With his cow love obsession and AOC's psychotic bovine hatred, these two should provide the Yin and Yang to the Democratic election process.
Read the entire thread.
The Democrat Party's quest of finding newer and more diverse faces has gone terribly well during the 2018 midterms, packing the U.S. Congress with record numbers of radically new and extremely diverse persons of gender.
The most drastically fresh new faces, no doubt, belong to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, and Rashida Tlaib. The mere sight of this previously unimaginable new generation of leaders fills our heart with awful pride. We can't help but shiver with intense joy from the realization that America's iconic political landscape is about to be fundamentally transformed.
To all oppressed persons of gender:
All GENITALS BELONG TO THE STATE!
If you've been concerned about deadly teen crazes with kids eating Tide Pods or snorting condoms, prepare for a new wave of panic. The ominous suicide challenge "AOC" has been spreading on social media, destroying lives, careers, and livelihoods in its wake.
The AOC challenge is associated with the creepy image of a woman with huge bulging eyes and ominous smile - the stuff of nightmares for children and dentists alike. It's as if someone combined a dark-haired Barbie doll with a bug-eyed version of the girl from The Ring and inexplicably decided to make her a congresswoman from New York with socialist credentials.
Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who is a self-identified hominoid, has a new anthropomorphized advocate on the campaign trail - and Donald Trump Jr. says it's proof that she is struggling to resonate with her homo sapiens base as a bipedal homo erectus.
Warren, who declared her intention to seek the 2020 Democratic nomination last month, has been taking her cis-quadrupedal, self-identified canine companion, Wahanassatta, with her to campaign stops, in order to highlight her secondary anthropoid characteristics.
I love Jussie. I believe Jussie! The police are lying about him. You know how much police hate black people.
Why, just last night I was in San Francisco, or maybe it was Los Angeles. It was past midnight and I couldn't sleep because it was pouring down rain and soaking thru my cardboard box. So it had to be Los Angeles. Yeah, I'm camping out here hoping to see some of my favorite celebrities on the red carpet for the Oscars this Sunday night. I might even get to take selfies with them. Maybe Brad Pitt will offer to make me his date...
To the Democrat leaders these amateurs are what suicide bombers are to the leaders of ISIS: disposable human material and acceptable losses in a war for power. Smollett's life may now be in pieces, but he has left a lasting resentful stain in the public square, having earned gratitude from 72 progressive self-identified virgins.
Smollett's name will now be forever tied to all the past, present, and future political hoaxes, immortalized in the Party-approved Pull-a-Smollett game.
Have you pulled a Smollett lately? If so, tell us your story. It may be added as another game card to our stack. hy progdom come!
Q: What did socialists use for lighting before candles?
It's unclear what religion these three are the saints of, but their commandments obviously include envy, adultery, theft, covetousness, bearing false witness, idolatry, and killing babies.
Although these devotional candles have quickly sold out, the photo of the product has taken a life of its own, posted by devout progs on their pages of worship. Thy progdom come!
A new movement has been launched to make Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a barmaid again.
Due to her being sent to Washington, she no longer has unfettered access to the tip jar at the Flats Fix taqueria.
If she could get her barmaid job back to supplement her income, perhaps she could then afford the high rent in Seattle.
Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.
The LGBTQ Commission for the mayor of Baltimore has just fired its only lesbian member, Julia Beck, for using male pronouns while referring to a convicted male rapist who wanted to be addressed as a female. Finding such behavior disgraceful, her former LGBTQ comrades have also denounced her and purged her from their ranks.
The male convict in question had earlier courageously declared himself a transgendered woman, for which he was cheered on by the progressive local establishment and sent to a female prison. Shortly afterwards he deployed his gender-fluid trans-penis to rape two cisgendered female inmates...
Trump tres to unite a divided political ruling class.
Seeing the potential end to the current Russian collusion investigation, that so far has netted only post-election process violations having nothing to do with collusion, Mueller expanded his powers to include mental telepathy. Mueller explained that it was the next obvious step in the evolution of his authoritarian powers. "I've been given so much free reign in these investigations that sixth sense was the only possible new power to be exploited" said Mueller as he attended his weekly back-rub from CNN executives. He added that "fashion police authority was just a bonus."
American workers and peasants! A danger is creeping over the beloved socialist government in Venezuela. A Yankee imperialist coup is about to overthrow their heroic leader, who has a unanimous support of all progressive celebrities and Democratic Socialists in the U.S. It compels us to produce these Party-approved slogans and visual agitation, to be printed in thousands of copies, displayed and chanted enthusiastically at Party-organized spontaneous rallies in your neighborhoods, schools, factories, and collective farms.
If you have trouble celebrating, learn these simple but helpful rules:Always celebrate.
No matter what, remain in a celebrating mood. Use Party-approved substances when needed.Always have a reason to celebrate.
Excuses are many, just pick one. Or make one up, as you may have guessed by now.CARE about celebrating.
If your reason to celebrate seems important, don't hesitate to impose it on your comrades.
New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo continues to make major changes in the name of progress and tolerance. These will appeal to liberal-progressives, and benefit ex cons and mass murderers across the nation. Signing off on these new policies will launch the governor's bid for his presidential run among the 353,739 candidates now on the Democrat ticket.
The governor just signed into law after ending the death penalty, a woman's right to abort about-to-be-born babies who could live outside the womb - up to the moment of birth.
From the halls of Maytag-zuma
To the stores of Whirpoolie
I will fight our country's heat waves
From Lejeune to Yuma AZ*
First to check for leaks in Freon
And to keep that coil clean
I ain't proud you learned my title
Of an HVAC tech Marine
From a brig in Camp Lejeune-ah
To a cell near Orange County
I've defied my unit's standard
By vacating without leave
First to flight from routine duties
Now the Corp's prestige i'll glean
I'm beclowned to claim the title
Of a Recon Range Marine
Gillette has gotten onboard the anti-white male bandwagon with their new ad to sell razors to women instead.
No more selling razors to those rapey metoo evil white men. They have decided to shame and bully their white toxically masculine customers with a strong message of Social Justice reinforced by the Marxist Armenian Holocaust deniers at the YoungTurks.
Those toxically male evil white HonkeyWhiteyCracker rapist men should really buy Gillette now.
Comrades, everybody knows that it is now the "in" thing to be woke. Being woke is being korrekt, and being korrekt is being woke. Wokeness has certain markers, and all evidence points to the fact that we at the People's Cube are not just woke - we're still woke, and have always been woke. We were woke before everyone else was woke. We are the forefront pioneers of wokeness.
The evidence is undeniable.Attention to current events.
Our search for the most current truth never stops. Thus, before Chicago declared Obama's birthday a holiday, we've been drinking beet vodka and throwing cool parties at Tractor Barn #2...
To compensate for the lack of specifics, the two Democratic leaders tried to appear heartbroken and mournful, which made them look like a couple of Soviet citizens who had waited all day in line to the state-run store to buy toilet paper, only to be told there was none left.
As a result, most comrades remembered their rebuttal not by what they said but by how they looked because, as a wise person once said, and this may not be an exact quote, "it ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it, and the way that you stare into the camera while you're doing it."
Therefore, most meaningful commentary came in the form of pictures...
The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist. The savage population unleashed its pent-up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.
"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."
The House Committee on Intelligence released a shocking report on Thursday largely undermining claims made by the Trump administration about the origins of Christmas. According to Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), who serves on the Intelligence Committee, the original reason for this season was the granting of political asylum to Jesus by the progressive Egyptian government, and a subsequent extension of refugee status to his family in what later became known as "chain migration." The committee, which is still in the process of conducting a full bipartisan review, said in its initial report that the intelligence community's assessment, or ICA, was a "sound intelligence product"...
I'm happy to report that I've just published my second book, Hotel USSR
. It's a story of а young man coming of age in a totalitarian state. He wants to be an artist but he isn't authorized to buy paints. He wants to see the world but the authorities brand him as politically unreliable. He wants to get married but the system separates him from his bride. He listens to Hotel California
and wishes he had their problems: he himself is stuck in a real-life trap that he "can never leave," and he calls it Hotel USSR. To check out, he must break every rule in the book.
PREVIOUS CURRENT TRUTH: