One of Obamao's early speeches, titled "From The Bottom Up," was devoted to the benefits of politically correct swimming. It taught the American people, women, and minorities, how to stay afloat in preparation for the radiant, shovel-ready future. True to his own rules, Obamao swam wherever he could. His penchant for swimming made it an accepted physical activity for many Americans, who until then never heard of water. In 1970, Obamao swam for the first time in Hawaii, where village elders taught him the secret of the Hawaiian dog paddle. It inspired him to compose a glorious autobiography and become the first American President.
On the 40th anniversary of that great event (August 14, 2010), jubilant masses of Floridians, tourists, and Gov. Charlie Crist crowded the beaches to participate a great "Suspend-the-Disbelief" extravaganza celebrating their First President who discovered water. Obamao attended the event and personally swam to stress his wholehearted support for the importance of swimming, just like Mao before him in the Yellow River, which famously launched the Cultural Revolution of 1966.
OBAMAO is a real living mythical creature
first found in China ...
... and then in the U.S.
(This picture was taken by the author in a
Washington, DC souvenir shop).
The Great Swim of Obamao was attended by representatives of major national and world media.
The New York Times: "An American epic of science, politics, race, honor, and high society - the Great 27-Hour Florida Dip is a riveting story of the greatest feat this country has ever known."
The Huffington Post: "Resolutely facing the menacing tide, the President towered over the Florida coastline like the bronze Colossus of Rhodes. Noticing a festive gathering of barges on the horizon, he gracefully waved in Morse code to their unionized working collectives, who responded with unanimous, spontaneous salvos of cannons and fireworks. With a knowing, compassionate smile, the President made five small, elegant steps towards the water and froze again, his red swim trunks flapping in the wind like two glorious flags of change. In his benign wisdom, the President allowed the surf to caress his extraordinarily shiny ankles, while he sophisticatedly scratched his sculptured gluteus maxima, mobilizing his enormous willpower for the decisive, irreversible plunge."
The Washington Post: "The sand in the President's footsteps didn't crumble, but remained still against all forces of nature, to preserve the magnificent shape of the Presidential forefoot, midfoot, and hindfoot for eternity. For a few brief moments, Obamao exchanged jokes with the masses and taught a small business owner how to swim feet first. Then he faced the horizon and with brisk, resolute strokes swam towards the setting sun, quickly disappearing from view."
Scientific American: "The President's strokes involved extraordinarily rhythmic and coordinated movements of all major body parts. His breathing was precisely synchronized with the strokes, too. Human scientists believe that it is possible to swim by moving only legs without arms or only arms without legs; such strokes may be used for special purposes, for training or exercise, or by amputees and paralytics. Being neither of those, the President purposefully used all his organs - torso, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head."
Thus started Obama's famed 27-hour swim to the Deep Horizon oil well and back, in which he was accompanied by the First Lady and their daughter, as well as media reporters and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist.
Upon reaching the Deep Horizon, Obamao quizzed the rig workers about their working conditions and violations of labor codes by corporate management. Then, in one easy movement, he produced a beer cooler from the pocket of his swim trunks and passed the bottles around, to the sounds of cheers and praise of his leadership. Good-naturedly, with humor and jokes, Obamao instructed the oil workers how to drill for better and cleaner fuel.
After wishing the workers good-night, he took a deep breath and dove to the sea bottom. He wanted to personally check that the oil leak was plugged correctly as the untrustworthy BP executives had told him. While on the bottom, Obamao tightened a few valves, fixed a loose fitting, and then smoked a cigarette and chatted with the crew of a Russian submarine that had lost its way and stopped for directions.
By the time Obamao resurfaced, everyone was well-rested and together they swam back to the shore.
After a few hours of swimming Obamao paused and improvised, with only one teleprompter, an emotional speech to a passing flock of oil-smothered pelicans. In his speech, he outlined his plan to save the world and promised that he would personally issue stimulus checks and drivers licenses to all birds affected by the oil spill. Further along the way, Obamao fought and won an unequal battle with a band of hostile tar balls, released the Kraken, and achieved energy independence.
When the First Lady complained that all the swimming was making her sea-sick, Obamao raised his arms, the waters parted, and he and his family walked the remaining ten miles on foot, accompanied by members of the media and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist.
Euphoric Americans and Mexican tourists alike gathered on Obamao's way by the thousands, to thank him for the opportunity to express their boundless devotion to his Party, his Administration, and him personally. They would jump enthusiastically in the water to do their bit for the cause - not only at the very spot where Obamao had entered the waves, but also from bridges and embankments of various rivers and lakes across the country. That Saturday, The New York Times' investigative team counted as many as 50,000 swimmers on the Coney Island beach alone, even despite the extremely hot temperatures.
"It's the biggest single miracle you could imagine," Florida Gov. Charlie Crist told the gathering of Floridians, Mexican tourists, and reporters. "God bless him for utilizing his superhuman powers to promote swimming in Florida, where it still remains a fairly unknown type of physical activity."
Pictures of Obamao's head bobbing above the water, surrounded by swimmers carrying huge banners celebrating his achievement, were seen not only throughout America but around the world. The international mass media reported it is as a clear demonstration that, even though living in Washington has separated Obamao from people of the earth, birds of the sky, and fishes of the sea, he still has enough magic left in him to lead the masses towards the final and unconditional national election in November.
* * *
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist examines the effects of the
previously unknown physical activity on the toiling masses.
"That ass was nothing, people. Just this morning I saw an ass this big! Can you believe it? She was wearing a thong!"
4th of July
Just to name a few.
And then, let the newest cultural revolution begin!
Sanctuary much, dear Obamao (apologies to Groucho Marxist. I think I commandeered his line - for the common good™, of course.)
I heard whispers that he was a secret practitioner of the LGBT Tribal Arts™. But since Party HQ's (more equaler) has suggested newly minted Comrade Crist is a Brother in the Art of Hind Parts Summin' Up™, I'll go with it.
P.S. I've heard racist sentiment around the Union Beet Cooler™ that Obama is now known as the first black president and the first black president that could swim.
Being a loyal progressive, I walked off the job (czarweary dialect) with much of the huffy and puffiness!
I work at Boot Locker™ now for Comrade Kook...
Quote:P.S. I've heard racist sentiment around the Union Beet Cooler™ that Obama is now known as the first black president and the first black president that could swim. AH HA! yes, that is the rumor
Fraulein PulloskiesI can not imagine Dearest Fearless™ being afraid of anything (except Mama Mo Antoinette, of course). Now we can dismiss these lies as lies for it is clear, he does get wet. He is all wet!
My dearest Fraulein, it is obvious that Glorious Leader is not only not swimming, but the water is graciously parting for him. Like the famous "Beet in the Bag™", the water surrounds him, but does not marinate him. On exiting the water you would see his skin and swimsuit perfectly dry, his hair perfectly combed. Yegads! His more equal-than-thou status even affects the elements themselves!
Priceless! To invite Dear Leader Obama into such a Swim Club in such a short time just shows the sanctity of our Dear Leader.
Glorious Red, have you a new attire or are my eyes of deceitfulness? You are looking most handsome and
He is our Vacation N' Chief.
You know it is very taxing destroying the Great Satan from within.
Hmmmm so many choices, so little time... oh look here comes the next train!
You have sounded an alarm in my boot! At a minimum this "Generalisimo" should be shipped to Cuba to experience the Utopia that is Communism! Maybe then he'll appreciate Dear Leader as we all do.
A simple bludgeoning by said instruments would suffice as well though....
Now, I know I not been hauring my share of the work around here ratery. I aporogize. But between my preparations for my upcoming summit meeting in Peking with my Chinese puppetmasters and my impending retirement, I been one busy homeboy.
I am going to drag arong my Numbah One Son Kim Jong-Un to introduce him to Chinese overrords and make sure they happy with him as my successor when I hand over the
You may ask what I gonna do when I srink away into the sunset. Werr, my Chinese pimps not gonna rike this but I going to renounce Kommunism and become a croset Kapitarist. I going to get into the crothing business and raunch a rine of
Chicoms Release Latest Line of Oba-Mao Wear
Posted by Jim Hoft on Sunday, September 19, 2010, 2:52 PM