Following the misery inflicted on Islam by a toy bear that ended up with calls for the execution of an English woman for blasphemy, more Muslims are stepping forward with stories of long-suppressed emotional trauma imposed on them by so-called reality.
"I have always been offended by rubber ducks," says Mahmud Said of Portland, Oregon. "For a long time I felt stigmatized and inadequate, until one day I decided to write about it on an Internet forum. I received hundreds of heart-felt emails - from Morocco to Indonesia. It turns out that thousands of Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 35 have had traumatic experiences with rubber ducks. "We started a support group that has grown to 10,000 members. Not only do we share horrifying rubber duck stories, we also try to increase public awareness by sabotaging the world supply of rubber ducks, setting fire to factories, abducting rubber duck distributors, and intimidating retailers. These are building blocks for our healthy future. With Allah as my witness, our public awareness campaign will soon result in a completely rubber-duck-free world."
Abdullah Sharif had just turned 35 when the Mohammed cartoon controversy suddenly broke out. It left him so emotionally scarred that he developed an aversion to representative art in all its forms. He often found himself shrieking while passing comics in a bookstore window, or seeing the funnies in the local newspaper. But while Abdullah had formerly been considered just another oddball, thanks to social networking, he is now a successful leader of an international charitable organization working for the betterment of humankind through imposing of Sharia law on the infidels.
His group covers a wide range of activities, from occasional riots, bombings, and beating of newspaper editors to writing threatening letters to the Cartoon Network. "One true believer may be a nutcase, but together we are the fastest growing religion on Earth, making the important cultural shift to a more Islam-dominated society that benefits both the true believers and the lowly kufir," boasts Abdullah. He recently moved to a new home in Malibu and is touring the world on a private Lear Jet.
Studies conducted by mental health professionals have shown that Muslim men and women are often offended by the most unexpected items, including baby rattles, hummingbirds, home appliances, or geographical maps with polar ice caps. On the top ten list of the most offensive things are rectal thermometers and the word "allometric," which many consider an underhanded insult to Allah.
Every such grievance is being thoroughly documented and acted upon by support groups and mental health providers, such as CAIR, that help victims to overcome their stress and anxiety by filing costly lawsuits against private institutions and government agencies.
The typical case involved a visitor from Egypt to Brooklyn, NY, who was offended by the sight of a cumulus cloud over Atlantic Avenue in the shape of the Arabic letter "A." By organizing protests and putting pressure on mass media, a network of Muslim groups and charities succeeded in forcing a Brooklyn judge to award the offended man $150,000 in damages, to be paid by the National Meteorological Agency. The Agency is the government body the Muslim groups deemed most responsible for regulating the proper distribution of water molecules over the New York metropolitan area.
Among the most bizarre cases is a lawsuit filed by religious and community leaders who claim that they are being unfairly targeted by gamma rays, neutrinos, and other forms of cosmic radiation. According to plaintiffs, the problem started immediately after they had complained to authorities about the disproportionately tangled shape of the Galactic magnetic field. Government agencies were fast to express dismay and sympathy for the victims, but none were willing to accept responsibility, and it seems they are playing a cynical game of administrative football with neutrino sufferers.
The World Health Organization (WHO) has called on national governments to provide financial backing for the network of Muslim self-help groups, twelve-step healing programs, and training camps, creating an environment that is more supportive and empowering for sufferers of Offended Muslim Syndrome (OMS).
"Being a Muslim today means to be always aware that something, somewhere, is somehow offensive to Islam," said a report issued by WHO, a specialized agency of the UN that acts as a coordinating authority on international public health. "It is a shame to see the wealthiest nations of the world stingily hold on to their pockets in the face of the largest epidemic of reality-induced psychological disorder in human history."
The WHO report provides a list of symptoms of the Offended Muslim Syndrome, suggesting that the condition be officially recognized as a disability, with the ensuing costs covered by Western governments. The report also includes advice and recommendations by leading UN-affiliated health professionals:
In order to guard against OMS, health officials warn individuals who are at risk to make sure that the objective reality they are exposed to does not:
Make them aware of the outside world
Spontaneously developed methods and techniques are already in place to help OMS sufferers: the Paris Youth Group, the Gaza System, the Beirut Procedure, and, of course, the Zawahiri Method - an easy-to-learn, do-it-yourself way to eliminate anxiety whenever you find anything offensive, by removing any negative thought or feeling below the neck of the offending party.
This method has proven to be particularly effective in breaking the patterns of thought and behavior among non-Muslims, whose very existence is suspected to be the leading cause of pain of anxiety afflicting the Muslim world.

Kommissar Vodkov
Lay down your shovels comrades and embrace our Muslim friends as our betters!Red Square
Next week at the Show Trial & Fundraiser: in the spirit of diversity, multiculturalism, and solidarity with our Muslim brothers and sisters - stoning of thoughtcriminals and raffle!Quote:
By the way, I'm sure Muslims find saxophones offensive and traumatizing. After all, in the wrong hands it can kill!Premier Betty
Kommissar Vodkov
Lay down your shovels comrades and embrace our Muslim friends as our betters!At least until their usefulness for our overthrow of the future USSA has ended.Red Square
Would you like to spearhead the Party's Special Double-Crossing Committee and Cleanup operation to deal with our Muslim extremist brothers after the overthrow of the U$A? Perhaps Comrade Kalashnikov can help.Red Square
...Speaking of which, comrades, do we even have a double-crossing and cleanup plan in the works?
Quote:
...Speaking of which, comrades, do we even have a double-crossing and cleanup plan in the works?

Komrade Kuuk
Yes, Esteemed Red Square, I am a Bigot upon reflection. I have been corrupted by Western culture, depraved music and sinister technology. I have Grossly offended our Muslim brothers and sisters. What was I thinking?Red Square
Red Square
Would you like to spearhead the Party's Special Double-Crossing Committee and Cleanup operation to deal with our Muslim extremist brothers after the overthrow of the U$A? Perhaps Comrade Kalashnikov can help.Kommissar Vodkov
Ohh what a glorious future!
Ivan Betinov
Outrage so deep and profound they cannot find the words to express it.Commissar Pupovich
...and all I got was a lousy "I Got the Urge to Purge" blindfold.)washingtonpost.com
The four worked with Christian Peacemaker Teams, a Toronto- and Chicago-based group that opposes the Iraq war and has criticized treatment of detainees in U.S. and Iraqi jails.

comrade dirk, who has learned much
Can I be appointed to Commissar of wallet redistribution when our double-crossing and cleanup plan begins. I promise to give every wallet I find to our beloved MTE. However, it is impossible to keep track of at least half the wallets I find.Quote:
I've got the urge to purge!Great Stalin's Ghost
In the interest of showing what can possibly insult Islam in the future (and as long as we're on the subject of rubber ducks) so that no comrade insults delicate Islamic sensibilities either purposely or inadvertently:Quote:
comrade dirk, who has learned much wrote

Commissar Pupovich
Oh, they use that here as well, In fact, I thought they used that nationwide. Get caught with $10,000 cash, and it is confiscated and it is up to you to prove it was gained legally. To me, that is about as anti-American a concept as it gets.




Commissar Pupovich

Commissar Theocritus
That is an infidel plant, you know--the cat is not wearing the proper burqa.Commissar Theocritus
A cat is a solitary hunter, and if it likes you, that's a compliment.Commissar Theocritus
Dogs will kill rattlesnakes, but cats will too.
Quote:
chase away pesky Jehovah WitnessesLaika the Space Dog
Quote:
chase away pesky Jehovah Witnesses
Red Square
Drawing pictures of Mohammed would hardly cause any controversy at all. Wait, did I just say that?...
May There Always Be SunshineCommissar Theocritus
...and there others--gilf, grandmothers. But pilf? Persons? Peasants? Peons? Pleonasts?
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