As a result, the First Prize and an autographed copy of Shakedown Socialism went to...
Obama's lack of participation doesn't mean he is not entitled to a free copy. Many of his constituents never participated in anything and they get free stuff all the time. Why should the President be treated differently? A free copy of Shakedown Socialism is rightfully his to place between his Nobel Peace Prize and the hammer-and-sickle book divider in the Oval Office, to which he is also entitled.
Let me be clear: we are all entitled to all things. But since the progressives haven't seized the entire American wealth yet, at this stage of societal progress we are unable to give free stuff to all according to their needs - only to the select ones. On the bright side, it opens up opportunities for subjective judgments and favoritism on our part. In fact, another hidden goal of this contest was to create an excuse to send Obama a free book, which should give a tremendous boost to his hurt ego and shrunken charisma. The next thing you know, I'll be offered an "unpaid advisory position" in his administration. My first assignment, I imagine, will be to find a plausible explanation why my appointment is good for the little people like you.
The Second Prize and an autographed copy goes to
Who is hereby also promoted to GreatFurHat
Not only BigFurHat's single entry was very short, it was also misspelled and embarrassingly incoherent. Yet he deserves to be rewarded - because if something is going to be given away for free anyhow, why not give it to a loyal disciple and trusted adjutant? That'll make me look generous and reinforce his personal loyalty.
Make no mistake: we are beholden to our values, which are always relative and change without notice, depending on how useful they are to our agenda at this very moment. Since nothing constant, absolute, or objective can possibly exist in our universe, the task of defining progressive values invariably falls into the hands of an authoritative figure (yours truly), who couldn't have obtained this lucrative station if he weren't the most proficient moocher and extortionist himself. That allows me to set the rules in my favor while simultaneously constructing a narrative in which all criticism of my decisions amounts to hurting the disadvantaged and the Common Good™.
Consolation prize: Vodka Rationing Coupon for 10 gallons (expires tomorrow morning).
Names and accomplishments in the order of appearance:
And finally, our special prize -
Get out of Gulag Free Card -
In conclusion, we thank all the eager moochers and looters for participation; you represented the progressive community well. But you're not getting any free stuff today. The sacrifice wouldn't be so selfless if you were compensated for it, no? So if we leave you now all dazzled and confused, it's for your own good.
The more disgruntled losers we leave in our wake with a craving for unrealistic entitlements, the better it is for the progressive cause. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, to know that I used you to increase the number of disgruntled losers - or as we like to call you, equal winners!
P.S. Since you're not getting free copies, you'll have to buy them. All proceeds will be donated to a charitable foundation in charge of remodeling my residence with a soundproof door made of solid gold and engraved with empathetic figures of suffering little people.
I've got the TrotskysChairman Obama, magnamous leader that he is, will likely put the signed book on display at the People's Museum of Fatal Thinking, for all to enjoy.
sicsempertyrannisմի լեզուն երբեք հերիք չէ.
Premier BettyI'm missing way too much. I really need to get back into this.
Red RoosterGreat Stalin's Ghost!!! This book is entirely Obama approved. Did you miss the pictures of Dear Leader reading first drafts of the book above? Huh? Huh?
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