It you haven't guessed yet, this contest was not about winning or losing. Like most other contests and awards (the Oscars, the Pulitzer, the Nobels) it was a tool to propagandize, agitate, and advance a more or less hidden agenda of social change.
As a result, the First Prize and an autographed copy of Shakedown Socialism went to...
Obama's lack of participation doesn't mean he is not entitled to a free copy. Many of his constituents never participated in anything and they get free stuff all the time. Why should the President be treated differently? A free copy of Shakedown Socialism is rightfully his to place between his Nobel Peace Prize and the hammer-and-sickle book divider in the Oval Office, to which he is also entitled.
Let me be clear: we are all entitled to all things. But since the progressives haven't seized the entire American wealth yet, at this stage of societal progress we are unable to give free stuff to all according to their needs - only to the select ones. On the bright side, it opens up opportunities for subjective judgments and favoritism on our part. In fact, another hidden goal of this contest was to create an excuse to send Obama a free book, which should give a tremendous boost to his hurt ego and shrunken charisma. The next thing you know, I'll be offered an "unpaid advisory position" in his administration. My first assignment, I imagine, will be to find a plausible explanation why my appointment is good for the little people like you.
The Second Prize and an autographed copy goes to
Who is hereby also promoted to GreatFurHat
Not only BigFurHat's single entry was very short, it was also misspelled and embarrassingly incoherent. Yet he deserves to be rewarded - because if something is going to be given away for free anyhow, why not give it to a loyal disciple and trusted adjutant? That'll make me look generous and reinforce his personal loyalty.
Make no mistake: we are beholden to our values, which are always relative and change without notice, depending on how useful they are to our agenda at this very moment. Since nothing constant, absolute, or objective can possibly exist in our universe, the task of defining progressive values invariably falls into the hands of an authoritative figure (yours truly), who couldn't have obtained this lucrative station if he weren't the most proficient moocher and extortionist himself. That allows me to set the rules in my favor while simultaneously constructing a narrative in which all criticism of my decisions amounts to hurting the disadvantaged and the Common Good™.
Consolation prize: Vodka Rationing Coupon for 10 gallons (expires tomorrow morning).
Names and accomplishments in the order of appearance:
- Papadoc - for setting a high-pitched nagging tone from the outset
- Call me Lennie - for most persistent mooching, resulting in the biggest number of needy posts, including those written in the Mother Tongue
- Hanoverfist - for redefining the bourgeois concept of real estate (he feels so oppressed, he will protest your cardboard box house)
- My2Cents - for best anti-obesity advise to the starving masses (eat this book)
- Will Profit - for finding a way to make a parasite look more dignified than those who feed him
- Reiuxcat - for pointing out the shortest route to justice (I don't have the book and the author has lots; I deserve one of yours).
- funny_people - for best reminder of why elitist snobs grow up to be progressives
- FreeMan in PA - for paying taxes that support this entire scheme
- James - for best cautionary tale about losing oneself in the fair social order and becoming a victim of progress
- Crackercakes - for inventing an unorthodox entitlement (not just getting a free book, but also having her name on it as the author)
- Ginger - for best split personality disorder stimulus money can buy
- conservative cowgirl - for best use of Western memes to justify progressive ends
- Wyatt - for best impersonation of Obama's teleprompter
- Elektra - for being the biggest victim in any room and proud of it (you think you have suffered?), as well as creative trimming of Patrick Henry's "Give me liberty or give me death" to a shorter and more democratic "gimme."
- proletarian robot - for best Hate Bush Orgasm (HBO) we all enjoyed
- ScratchNSniff - for imaginative use of Ebonics in the advancement of economic justice
- RightWinger - for discovering a new victim group of radical leftists trapped inside a conservative man's body (I see a Hollywood career in your future)
- Menderman - for dazzling use of plagiarism in defense of Joe Biden's integrity
- Tim - for exploiting selfish needs to further an altruistic cause, proving the Marxist theory of the Unity of Opposites.
And finally, our special prize -
Get out of Gulag Free Card -
- Sicsempertyrannis - because he scares the hell out of me. In a few short posts he managed to intimidate me in English, Russian, and Armenian. That's what we call putting linguistics in the service of the unwashed. A true international man of mystery.
In conclusion, we thank all the eager moochers and looters for participation; you represented the progressive community well. But you're not getting any free stuff today. The sacrifice wouldn't be so selfless if you were compensated for it, no? So if we leave you now all dazzled and confused, it's for your own good.
The more disgruntled losers we leave in our wake with a craving for unrealistic entitlements, the better it is for the progressive cause. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment, to know that I used you to increase the number of disgruntled losers - or as we like to call you, equal winners!
P.S. Since you're not getting free copies, you'll have to buy them. All proceeds will be donated to a charitable foundation in charge of remodeling my residence with a soundproof door made of solid gold and engraved with empathetic figures of suffering little people.
The results have been announced on iOwnTheWorld.com.
The participants seem to be taking it well. No angry riots so far.
Well, I guess I'll never really be a made prog until I win one of Fur's rigged contests!
PS Knowing I never had a chance, although stealing Lennie's winning entry for a
Well, back to the Salmon mines. Perhaps in another 20 years so I can afford a dogged eared used book at the "books so small it missed the burnings" store.
(I can see Next Tuesday from my house)
I've got the TrotskysChairman Obama, magnamous leader that he is, will likely put the signed book on display at the People's Museum of Fatal Thinking, for all to enjoy.
But its not a Pop-Up book, so he probably can't read it!
But srsly, I’d be honored to treat you to dinner on my next visit to NYC. I’ve always wanted to visit Brighton Beach (no, really!) since I spent so much time working with folks from there who were trying to get their relatives out of Gorbachev’s progressive utopia.
And for what it’s worth, մի լեզուն երբեք հերիք չէ.
(Thanks for the advice, Reiuxcat! Now I'll never get any work done!)
sicsempertyrannisմի լեզուն երբեք հերիք չէ.
That's Armenian for "One language is never enough."
We do not condone greed here, comrade. Hoarding languages goes against our principles, because if you can speak too many, that means someone else in the Third World will be left with too few, or no language at all. You can't take all your languages to the grave.
In the spirit of fairness, you are hereby strongly advised to share your languages with the less endowed. If that becomes practically impossible to do (e.g., you can't find a donor) you will do good to forget some of the languages you know, to become more equal with the rest of the collective.
I am so delighted that dearest fearless Leader won a prize, and this is so much more impressive than that silly Nobel . . Noble? thing he got, is it not?
I would love to stay and chat for an hour or 2 min. but . . . that Vodka Rationing card is calling.
Click to Open The Party Liqueur Cabinet™:
And once you are totally smashed we no take advantage of you by requiring you to JOIN THE PARTY NOW!! Da?
Or read The Welcome Message for New Thoughtcriminals.
Is there a link as to where I could trade monetary capitalist extortion units in exchange for this book?
Oh, and those of you at home are probably wondering what's with all the colored ribbons festooning the bodice of my evening gown. Well, those are Awareness Ribbons. I'm wearing them tonight to raise everyone's awareness of how much I care about the issues that matter. And as most of you are aware (thanks to my ribbons), I care enough to make an issue out of everything.
Premier BettyI'm missing way too much. I really need to get back into this.
Is there a link as to where I could trade monetary capitalist extortion units in exchange for this book?
Comrade Premier Betty! How's the gaming? If you haven't already, look up at the upper right hand side and see a big tan box with lots of luscious links. (I hear for extra monetary capitalist extortion units you can even get a signed copy)
You can use this not only to print money, but Get Out of Gulag Free cards. All you need is one card and a single piece of paper, and you're in business!
The one I use is a much more deluxe model that prints extra copies of my vodka ration cards. And money.
For added assurance, this same machine is endorsed--and personally used--by none other than Barack Obama!
When you are done with Pinkie's machine, perhaps you could redistribute some capitalist extortion units to my Peoples collective bank account. After an especially vibrant ration of Beet-vodka, I redistributed another copy of Comrade Squares book to my peoples postal box. Like a good party member, I shall 'redistribute' it to the collective!
Well, %$#@*&^...That's Armenian for "One book is never enough."
When you are finished, I too need this machine.
I want to print some ballots for our fine progressive comrades to stuff with!
Philosophical Debate Scene
Post-Modern Storytelling Devices
Haters & Lovers
...and the list goes on...
BTW: I order an autographed copy of our glorious leader's book this evening!
So, when do I get mine? Really. I thought one would be coming my way . . . just because. I will continue to check the mail every day and badger my mail delivering servant of the people as she passes my house every day until my copy shows up. I hope she doesn't have it squirreled away at her place, reading it in secret so that none of her fellow government workers are offended by being in the presence of someone reading a non-Obama approved book.
We are watching you comrade!
Since I travel so much for the One in my official capacity as Ambassador to the Latin States; Note comrades, our dear Leader did not misspeak when he said there were 57 states), I will selflessly distribute the Director's tome to the masses!
Hmmm..... I believe I will appropriate Comrade Schumer's official NY postal meter for this vital assignment. I'm sure he won't mind, and"Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn" if he does! *Just let the bastard say something, I double-dare him!
You will distribute the Director's
Uber Commissar of Foodservice
Executive Chef to the Inner Circle
Ambassador to the (soon to be) New Latin American States of the USSA
BTW: RR, rush a couple of cases of both Theo's and Pinkie's brews to the Inner Circle's Lucretia's Fine Dining Restaurant for a tasting I'm giving (you are coming, I assume?....Ahhmmm.....I wonder how Rooster got hold of the People's Liqueur key?)
Ahhhrrrmmmm... and yes, of course those....uh... bottles will be delivered right away, you cigar smoking stud you!
I'll be there! But of course... only if Pinkie lets me... you know how she is with that shovel and all.
Red RoosterGreat Stalin's Ghost!!! This book is entirely Obama approved. Did you miss the pictures of Dear Leader reading first drafts of the book above? Huh? Huh?
We are watching you comrade! Red Rooster,
Of course you're watching me. How could a proper progressive society flourish if we weren't all watching each other?
Speaking of watching, can you keep an extra eye on the apartment next week? The wife and I will be touring the local beet fields and ball bearing factories.