Barry: So is it really true? Am I really president?
Bill: Yes – we did it! You are the Apocalypse, my man!
Barry: ...What’s a pock of lips?
Bill: - The Apocalypse! – A cataclysm of the right wing!...
Bill: - The death knell of the United States! You’re going to be the instrumentality of its destruction!
Barry: I mean, I’m president - can’t I enjoy this for a while?
Bill: No, we have to get to work immediately. Where’s Rahm?
Barry: I don’t know. Yesterday - right here - he took off all his clothes, said he was going to kill someone, then left. I haven’t heard from him since.
Bill: Good. He’s taking care of business.
Barry: Got buck naked, then walked right out.
Bill: We need to get Pelosi and Reid in a meeting. We only have a short time to push health care and cap and trade legislation through.
Barry: We’re going to call it “Obamacare,” right? You promised.
Bill: That’s fine. But we have to start on this quick. This is great, man - I wrote the bill out to be 3,000 pages.
Barry: Three thousand pages? I have to read that, do I?
Bill: No – but that’s the beauty: no one’s going to read it! We have Conyers all set to carry on that no one reads these bills, only lawyers after we pass them. Pelosi is already out there saying “we have to pass it to see what’s in it.”
Barry: What do you mean?
Bill: She saying, “we have to pass it to see what’s in it.” It’s beautiful.
Barry: How come we can’t see what’s in it before we pass it?
Bill: Do you want to read it?
Barry: Hey - I’m just a talker.
Bill: I still can’t believe this is true. We have everything: the Senate, the House, the presidency - even the media! Did I tell you? - We have George Stephanoplois agreeing to conference in every morning to help with political strategy.
Bill: George Stephanopoulos – from ABC News.
Barry: George -- that’s his name? Is that the same George...?
Bill: You met him a million times. – He’s the guy who saved your ass from admitting on tv that you were a Muslim. Remember?
Barry: Yeah, I remember him now. I keep getting him confused with George Soros. I didn’t know he was Jewish.
Bill: He’s not. He’s Greek.
Barry: How can you tell?
Bill: His name is a Greek name – like Acropolis.
Barry: What’s the Acropolis? No wait! – I know – that’s where Clark Kent was a newspaper report!
Bill: No - that Metropolis. Barry – I mean, Barack – I mean, Mr. President: Trust me, he’s Greek.
Barry: What is a crop of lists?
Bill: It’s not a list – it’s a city.
Barry: Acropolis, USA.
Bill: Something like that. We need to get back to business. Have you talked to Kevin Jennnigs?
Bill: Kevin Jennings – your “safe school czar.”
Barry: Oh, the “fisting” guy.
Barry: He’s not going to be safe school czar at my daughters’ school, is he?
Bill: Don’t worry, just the public schools.
Barry: What’s with that fisting thing of his, anyway? Isn’t there a better way for kids to make friends?
Bill: He knows what he’s doing.
Barry: By the way, did I tell you: I’m going to learn how to play golf.
Bill: You’re the president. You have work to do.
Barry: I did the work: I got elected. Now you’re saying I have to do more?
Bill: Why are we talking about golf - it’s the middle of winter. We have a mission to get on.
Barry: Man, my mission is to play some golf. Tell somebody to get me a pair of those black and white shoes.
Bill: Will you please pay attention to what I’m trying to tell you?
Barry: You’ve got five minutes. After, I’m flying with Michelle to New York to see a play.
Bill: You’re what?
Barry: We need to chill-out.
Bill: You have work to do. You can’t just leave Washington, fly to New York and upset traffic in the whole city to see a play!
Barry: No big thing. I’ll be reachable by phone. We can talk during intermission.
Bill: Look, we got you here, and you owe us!
Barry: Have George pay it. Stephanopolous?
Bill: No, Soros. And Soros is who you owe.
Barry: I keep getting those two guys confused. I’m positive one of them is Jewish.
Bill: What’s the difference!?
Barry: Why are you getting so heavy?
Bill: We all made a deal – you have to do your part! There’s time pressure!
Barry: Just one thing. And I mean it: I’m not going to any funerals. I hate funerals. I’ve never been to one. I guess that’s why I never went.
Bill: What are you talking about?
Barry: Look, the deal is this: I couldn’t give a rats ass about this place. I just care about men and my reputation. And learning golf. And my two kids. Everything else I’ll do your way. Two kids. Amazing...
Bill: You didn’t mention your wife.
Barry: Can you believe I had sex with that woman twice?...