Barry: How am I going to tell people with a straight face I wrote two books. I never wrote anything. I barely read! Come on, you know how I got through school. I could barely remember the Alinski stuff.
Bill: Believe me – contemporary white people as a group are incredibly naive. A black man who talks without speaking like a Crip can get away with anything. Look at Colin Powell.
Bill: Colin Powell.
Barry: His name’s “Colon?”
Barry: Man, I thought a “Boy Named Sue” was harsh... Who’s colon is he named after?
Bill: It’s spelled c-o-l-i-n. His name has nothing to do with anyone’s bowel.
Bill: Did you read “Audacity of Hope?”
Barry: I looked at the first page, then smoked a joint. I couldn’t get past the title.
Bill: Why not?
Barry: I don’t understand what it means.
Bill: It means just what it says. Much like the British special forces motto: “who dares, wins.”
Barry: Who dares who?
Bill: Who dares, wins.
Barry: Oh. What’s “audacity” mean?
Bill: Boldness, or daring.
Barry: So, who am I supposed to be daring?
Barry: I don’t understand.
Bill: Barry you’re daring people to hope for things they’ve become too jaded to hope for.
Barry: Oh... What’s “jaded” mean?
Bill: Dulled or satiated by overuse.
Barry. Interesting. What’s “satiated” mean?
Barry: Man, I always learn things from you. So what is “Dreams of My Father” about?
Bill: It’s your accounting of your father’s dreams for a better world.
Barry: But I never met the guy.
Bill: Either did I. So if I can conjure up a book about him, you can at least read it and remember what’s in it.
Barry: What’s “conjure” mean?
Bill: To call upon, or to come up with.
Barry: This is crazy, nobody is going to believe this.
Bill: I’ll surprise you. Do you know who Hillary Clinton is?
Barry: Sure. She discovered the north pole.
Bill: No, that was Fredrick Cooke.
Barry: So what did Hillary Clinton discover?
Bill: You’re confusing her with Sir Edmund Hillary, who climbed Mount Everest.
Barry: Is he running?
Bill: No, he’s dead. And he wasn’t an American.
Barry: Either am I.
Bill: Don’t worry, that’s just paperwork.
Barry: I’m confused.
Bill: Hillary Clinton is Bill Clinton’s wife. On paper, at least.
Barry: Who’s Bill Clinton?
Bill: Former president in the 90’s.
Barry: Turn of the century?
Bill: No, he was president in the 1990’s.
Barry: Never knew that. It’s funny, I got this picture of some stupid looking guy wearing a derby, riding a giant two-wheel bicycle.
Bill: Hillary Clinton is a self-aggrandizing wanna-be, with no talent other than living off her husband’s name.
Barry: And she did not discover the north pole.
Bill: That’s correct.
Barry: What’s “aggrandizing” mean?
Bill: To make appear more important that what is.
Barry: I thought that’s what audacity meant.
Bill: No, audacity means boldness or daring. Look, people hate her. All she’s got going for her is a collection of dirty trick operatives left over from her husband’s term in office. And the media, of course. But we’re changing that.
Barry: Who, you and George?
Bill: Well, he’s certainly footing the bill. Just read the two books.
Barry: Which one should I read first?
Bill: It doesn’t matter. Just read both – all the pages.
Barry: That’s over two hundred pages.
Bill: Do you want to do this thing or not?
Copyright 2011 Robert Fine
This would have looked great on SNL. Except it won't. They don't do PROG OFF routines because PROG ON is their only way of thinking. PROG OFF is just as unreachable to them as the objective reality, let alone objectivity - despite all their alleged broad-mindedness.
It's time we started a sketch comedy show. All we need now is an NEA grant.
More ballast. More triple parallels. More nautical terms. MORE RAGE!
Ushanka tip to Jack Cashill. If you haven't read "Deconstructing Obama" it needs to be added to your summer reading list immediately...before it turns into Fall 2012.