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Further Kavanaugh crimes brought to light: jaywalking

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Washington, DC - Supreme Court Justice Nominee Brett Kavanaugh is in hot water again over another decades-old claim of lawlessness: this time for jaywalking. Retired DC Police Sergeant William Gortronski recently sent a confidential letter detailing the allegations to Senator Cory Booker, who immediately made the information public in what he self-described as "...yet another 'I am Spartacus' moment."

The letter provides a detailed account of the circumstances leading up to the crime:

I was off duty at the time resting on the patio of a nearby pastry store, and clearly saw a young man crossing between adjacent signals and not in a designated crosswalk. I was off duty, but driving a squad car at the time. I quickly ran to it and called for backup. I then proceeded to give chase on foot, but lost him in a crowd. After questioning several witnesses, I was not able to ascertain his name, but I'm sure it was him now that I've seen his photograph recently on the news. I would testify under oath it was him. That crime has haunted me all these years. I still remember his smug face, it was as if he didn't care one bit about obeying our pedestrian traffic laws. I have no proof, but he clearly looked like someone who had done this before and I was terrified he would strike again.
The alleged offense occurred in 1983 when the accused was 18 years old and could have been charged as an adult. Jaywalking is a serious crime, punishable by arrest and up to a $20 fine in the metropolitan DC area.

In an interview on CNN, Princeton Law Professor Harold Bunknick noted that "this information just further illustrates the dark personality of the young Brett Kavanaugh - a pattern of crime and hostility to order and everything decent. It sickens me that he went on get to a JD from Yale and become a judge himself."

The FBI has already started investigating the matter and his nomination is on hold while the charges are looked into. Several leaked documents appear to show there may be additional jaywalking charges stemming from this period of Mr. Kavanaugh's life, and a possible federal racketeering charge stemming from a 1985 incident, in which he allegedly led an entire gang of criminal jaywalkers crossing against a 'Don't Walk' signal.

There is some speculation that the crime dramatized in the May 15, 1993 edition of America's Most Wanted, entitled "The DC Serial Jaywalker," is likely Mr. Kavanaugh.

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Criminal profiler Dayle Hinman has investigated. She first asked if similar crimes were reported in other precincts as cunning criminals, dangerous ones like Kavanaugh, might have jaywalked in different jurisdictions to avoid raising suspicion.
After looking at forensic evidence and conducting several interviews, Hinman became convinced that the culprit was a white male, a Yale graduate, had participated in a high profile crime investigation, and was a nominee to the Supreme Court.
"Kavanaugh's background fit hand in glove with the profile of our serial jaywalker," said Hinman. "Once he's behind bars, I think we can close the book on this one."

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Panem Et Circenses wrote:...in which he allegedly led an entire gang of criminal jaywalkers crossing against a 'Don't Walk' signal.
If anyone asks, I have proof.

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For an adequate fee, I can find two offended minority females of appropriate age and size who saw him litter...

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:For an adequate fee, I can find two offended minority females of appropriate age and size who saw him litter...
Litter? He stole litter from a vulnerable female feline's litter box? This is horrible! impeachable! ... Oh, wait, I seem to have misread this. No matter. Once a thing has been spoken, it is true. And although I was not present at the theft of the litter, I remember everyone talking about it for days afterward. (I do not remember when the theft took place, but I do remember the talk took place days afterward.)

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RedDiaperette wrote:[He stole litter from a vulnerable female feline's litter box? This is horrible! impeachable!
Not to mention that he grabbed the litter user out of the litter box and used her to disguise himself as Batman in front of security cameras. You can still clearly see it's 15-year-old Kavanough.

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In the heat of that attempted rape, sodomy, and necrophilia a drunk Kavanaugh groped and tore this off...

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It has come to my attention that Kavanaugh's ancestors owned slaves, voted against Women's Sufferage and voting rights movements, and developed and sold the concept of "lebenstraum" to an Austrian Corporal. THEN they voted to extend prohibition.

Kavanaugh himself stands at attention during the national anthem when watching NFL on TV at home. Records indicate a "dimpled chad" on an absentee ballot that would have thrown his county to Gore, he burns rainbow flags, he's been seen tearing "Beto" signs out of lawns in Austin suburbs, and he has a really great squirrel gun made in Russia. It's Russian.

It says so on the porta-potty wall at our collective, so it has to be true.

This thoughtcriminal belongs behind bars, and I want the squirrel gun.

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:...and developed and sold the concept of "lebenstraum" to an Austrian Corporal. . .


"Livingdream"?

Komrade Ivan t.S.,

What is this Austrian alternitive-utopia you speak of? How could I have missed this glorious Eastern-European epoch? It must have been before the lamentable demise of the glorious Eastern-Block. I think we need Genose to put this history herstory on the right side for us... I mean Left side! Left side! Pinkie, I need help!

Most Equally Humbly,
Komrade Grendelssohnovovich
Peoples' Geometer
(I need to find my helmet, quick!)

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I think it had something to do with French beaches, Polish sausage, and Slovakian beer, but I wasn't there, so don't quote me...

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[color=#C0392B]Ivan the Stakhanovets underestimates me when he[/color] wrote:It has come to my attention that Kavanaugh's ancestors owned slaves, voted against Women's Sufferage and voting rights movements, and developed and sold the concept of "lebenstraum" to an Austrian Corporal. THEN they voted to extend prohibition.

Kavanaugh himself stands at attention during the national anthem when watching NFL on TV at home. Records indicate a "dimpled chad" on an absentee ballot that would have thrown his county to Gore, he burns rainbow flags, he's been seen tearing "Beto" signs out of lawns in Austin suburbs, and he has a really great squirrel gun made in Russia. It's Russian.

It says so on the porta-potty wall at our collective, so it has to be true.

This thoughtcriminal belongs behind bars, and [highlight=#FFFF00]I want the squirrel gun[/highlight].

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The President of the CSA must've been a pro-life Democrat...

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This is the white male rapist that stuck his tongue out at Sally or Becky Somebody or other in second grade, no?

Right. A Snowball's chance in hell.


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Most equal, comrade P, nicely done. (the t-shirt, not the magnificent artwork in the back)


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Chairman Meow wrote:It's over ...

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Within hours of it appearing on social media, it collected hundreds of retweets and hilarious replies on Twitter and over a thousand shares on Facebook, with dozens of great comments. We decided it deserved its own thread.

FBI discover ice in Kavanaugh's kitchen, garage freezer


And it's now also on the Mother Page. You are a true Hero of Socialist Labor, Chairman!

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