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Introducing the Affordable Phone Act!

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Comrades, due to the amazing success of the Affordable Care Act, Americans everywhere are benefitting. For example, under George W Bush, nobody had access to health care except for rich Republicans. Minorities were not only denied access to health care on account of race, but they were typically herded to alleyways behind hospitals and executed en masse by a drunken, shotgun wielding Dick Cheney. But those dark days are over.

Now everybody has access to health care. In fact, the ACA has been so successful that now 800,000,000 more Americans have health care! An estimated 173% of Americans who have switched over to Obamacare are ecstatically happy with it. The cost of health care, as predicted by our amazing president, has plummeted to the point where anybody working on minimum wage can simply purchase any plan they want. On average, a plan that covers a family with all kinds of preexisting conditions now only costs about $27 per month. Pretty cool, huh?

Well, now the government is going to intervene again to correct the massive flaws and inequalities in the cell phone market, by introducing the Affordable Phone Act.

That's right, there are people out there, still suffering from the Great Depression of 2001-2009, who can't afford cellular service. Right now, the CDC estimates that at least 450,000,000 Americans, that's nearly 1.5 Americans for every living American, do NOT have access to an affordable cell phone. Congress must act, and if they won't, then the president is completely justified in governing by executive order. Let's get that pen and that phone ready, Mr. President, just in case.

Now, before we get started, let me put your irrational fears based on FOX News propaganda to rest: If you like your cell phone, if you like your current coverage, you can keep your phone and your plan. Nobody's going to change that, period.

First, we're going to require equality in cell phones. Is it fair that certain rich people have phones and plans with internet access, camera and video capabilities, and obscene amounts of memory? Isn't there a point at which your phone has enough features? What about the poor working mother who lives on minimum wage, has seven children by different fathers, and provides for minority disabled kittens? Why should she have a phone that only does voice and text? We think you help people out when you spread the features around, so now we're going to require that all manufactures of cell phones provide the same features: unlimited internet, talk, text, data storage, and memory for all.

To assure cell phone equality in terms of distribution, it will now become mandatory to own a cell phone. Failure to comply will result in a modest fee, or tax, or penalty, or some combination thereof amounting to $45 the first year and increasing by modest increments to $500 the following year.

What about those who are satisfied with say, a Tracfone, and only have talk and text? Are you kidding me? We're going to cancel those junk plans because they're SO substandard. By requiring plans with more options, and by requiring manufacturers to provide every imaginable digital service, we predict that cell phone costs will go down significantly saving the average family $40,000 dollars per year. This will be a huge benefit to the approximately 1.2 billion Americans that can't afford access to cell phone coverage.

If costs should actually increase due to insatiable corporate greed, we'll not only penalize the megacompanies that raised their prices so they'll learn to sell their products at a fair price, we'll provide subsidies to help the poor afford the difference in cost. Money for those subsidies will be taken both from the overly rich cell phone manufacturers that have been raping their customers since Bush was president, and from the recipients of the subsidies. That way, everybody has some skin in the game.

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I know, I know, you're thinking, “This is so cool! How can I get my free ObamaPhone!?” All you have to do is go online to www.affordablephonecare.gov, divulge all your personal information to a carefully screened felon, and you'll be instantly put on a waiting list for your new ObamaPhone! It's really that easy.

Each phone also includes a handsome carrying case as well as a cigarette lighter charger. Don't wait; enrollment ends soon, and you don't want to miss this opportunity to upgrade into the World of Next Tuesday™!

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The Capitalism Magazine proposed something like this back in February:

The Affordable Cell Phone Care Act

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That other article is a most equal achievement; I tip my kaffiyeh. Great minds across the Fruited Collective think alike. Which is good, because we're supposed to. Also, blessings upon the agitprop department.

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[img]images/clipart/Prog_Off.gif[/img]Comrade al- watcha' call 'yur Blogunov ........

I ( Krasnodar ) have read the first two paragraphs of your commentary.

You've got some pretty good stuff, that's for sure !

How 'bout sharing some with the rest of us ?

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It's strange. Health cost a lot less before it was affordable.


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Comrade Smiley, I see that Dear Leader (pbuh) is enjoying a well earned ice cream while the rest of the citizenry looks on in admiration and wonder, rejoicing to have had a glimpse of his aura. They exude proper thankfulness as they wait to be put on a waiting list for an edible Obamaphone. Does his compassion or his intellect have any limit?


 
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