While some opponents have contended that Sen. John Kerry, the newly-confirmed US Secretary of State, misspoke when he identified democratic reforms in Kyrzakhstan, people throughout the tiny, Central Asian republic are disappointed that Americans are unaware of their existence.
The Islamic Socialist Republic of Kyrzakhstan is sandwiched between the borders of eastern Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, and China. An ethnically diverse community, they have largely been ignored in geopolitics due to their extreme poverty and lack of resources.
During the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the Kyrzakhstanis declared independence without any objections from neighboring Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan, both of which consider the 250-square-mile territory too remote to administer effectively.
China considered invading the tiny province in their war against Uyghur rebels a few decades ago, until they realized that the country had no paved roads and the only motor vehicles that remained after the Soviet withdrawal have not operated in 20 years.
"Everyone has forgotten about us, which is fine," said Choomgiz Choomgizkhanov, a Kyrzakhstani regional Imam Commissar. "This has given us the freedom to implement our traditional ways enlightened by Socialist thinking."
Choomgiz Choomgizkhanov, a Kyrzakhstani
regional Imam Commissar
While no one in Kyrzakhstan is entirely sure what democratic reforms Sen. Kerry was referring to, locals are proud of their implementation of 'Islamic Socialism.' Among their most valued accomplishments has been the establishment of what they call 'Marxist-Leninist Sharia.'
While Islamic jurisprudence known as Sharia is not generally associated with Soviet-style socialism, modern Kyrzakhstan has found a way to meld the two very different systems.
Choomgizkhanov explains that in the case of theft, which Sharia says is punishable by amputation of the hand for the third offense, Marxist-Leninist Sharia takes a more socialist approach, which spreads individual punishment throughout an entire village or tribe.
"So, we do not cut off the hand of the thief; instead, we cut off one finger from everyone in the village." Choomgizkhanov held up his left hand to reveal several missing digits, which he attributed to "bad neighbors." "This way, we all share in the burden of being honest and not violating the laws of Allah."
When asked if such measures could potentially suppress the reporting of crime, Choomgizkhanov emphatically agreed that it did and that Kyrzakhstanis were happy with this outcome.
"When nobody wants to report crime, we have less crime to deal with," Choomgizkhanov said. "We like when everyone keeps quiet."
Choomgizkhanov said that Kyrzakhstanis are not interested in democracy or human rights, preferring to live in tribal enclaves that practice collective goat herding. Major political decisions are made by Kyrzakhstani Communist Party officials at the regional mosque, which doubles as Party Headquarters.
"There have been too many assassinations of our Party Chairmen in tribal disputes, so we stopped electing them sometime back," noted Choomgizkhanov. "It doesn't matter anyhow, since we don't listen to anyone above the local imam."
Though largely cut off from the world with no TV or radio services, Kyrzakhstanis do receive some outside news through visitors they kidnap along their borders and hold for ransom, which is the second largest source of income for most Kyrzakhstanis aside from goat herding.
In spite of their geographical isolation, Kyrzakhstanis aren't strangers to the latest cultural trends. Native Kyrzakhstani rapper Fifty Kopecks is famous for blending hip-hop with traditional local tunes, accompanying his often irreverent lyrics by plucking strings on a kyl-kobyz with his two remaining fingers. The latter is not an impediment because traditionally kyl-kobyzes have only two strings.
Upon hearing that American conservatives and Republicans were deriding Sen. Kerry for mentioning their existence, Choomgizkhanov asked to relay a message to the outside world.
"Come and see that we are here," said Choomgizkhanov. "And, when you do, please bring ammunition, because we are running low."
Igor Toutellalaithe country had no paved roads and the only motor vehicles that remained after the Soviet withdrawal have not operated in 20 years
Igor ToutellalaiNative Kyrzakhstani rapper Fifty Kopecks is famous for blending hip-hop with traditional local tunes, accompanying his often irreverent lyrics by plucking strings on a kyl-kobyz with his two remaining fingers. The latter is not an impediment because traditionally kyl-kobyzes have only two strings.
Princess NookieLove me some Fifty Kopecks! Fitty!!!!
Quote:My dear SMO, as Queen of the Welfare Queens, I clock a lot of hours every day watching soap operas, talk shows, courtroom dramas, and last but certainly not least, game shows, to include Wheel of Fortune. And if I've learned just one thing from watching that particular program, it's that vowels must be bought.
Red RoosterA Bird in The Hand....
Commissarka PinkieVowels are a right. Every word is entitled to vowels. Ergo, the government should be responsible for providing them through redistribution. And what better place to start but one that, as you pointed out, has more vowels than it could ever possibly need--Israel!
Quote:Translated into English, the word kyrzakhstan means “vowels ain’t all that”.
|Opiate of the People||7||1890|
|Rachel Corrie's Ghost||2||779|
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 25 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
It's Big Fur Hat
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts