Comrades, we at the Office of the Department of The Commissar of Time struggle daily to fulfill our appointed tasks. For instance, we have drunken wormholes to the future to keep open, wormholes to other realities, so that we may shift and tweak our own, the constant updating of Current Truth™ so that it remains fresh and correct, and of course there is also the Lifespan Duration department. Ever so often we receive hate fan mail fromgulag bound fools noble socialist citizens. One such reads;

Dearest Commissar,

Every day seems like a new day, and at times I am confused. For instance Bill Ayers used to be considered a terrorist, and now he is a trusted advisor to our Dear Leader. Tuesday comes twice a week now, and while I only work a 6 hour shift, it seems like it takes half the day. Just how do you maintain the Current Truth™ and the entire continuity of Socialist Time Keeping?

Praise Obama!
Confused in California

Now my heart was touched at this letter (and the fact the Post Office actually delivered it in under two weeks) so I took the trouble to reply.

Dear Confused,

It is simple really. Through heroic socialist science, and our superior understanding, we have mastered the art of Retroactive Continuity. While the oppressive capitalist systems still struggle with fixed timelines and history, which only serve to enrich the corporations and the racist teabaggers who control them, while oppressing the workers and minorities; we are able to literally REWRITE HISTORY AND FUTURE EVENTS to suit the brave cause of socialism. Thanks to RETCON, my department ensures that past events happened in a way that furthers our selfless socialist cause, discredits the racist capitalists, and preserves our peace loving way of life.

With RETCON, Truth is always Current Truth™ and old truths which no longer serve the Revolution simply cease to exist. Events, places, people, entire swaths of unfortunate history can be wiped out with proper application of RETCON.

Each day now, you may wake up at the appointed time, and praise Obama that we live in an advanced socialist system as ours.

Praises to Obama,
Col. 7.62

{a tip of the ushanka to Comrade just_a_car for showing me retcon}

Excellent idea, Comrade 7.62. I like it! Will I be able to RETCON all those times I lied to my social worker, and faked 2 pregnancies so I could get extra money? I hope so.

As long as the lies were for noble socialist cause, then they become a truth and can be RETCON'd away.

Praise Lenin! And a Happy birthday as well!

This is truly glorious! It will cut down on the Jiffy Lobo © costs as well. Just knowing that we can rewrite history at any time, moment by moment, to serve any need and bring it into line with the Current Truth ™ is absolutely wonderful. Praise be to Obama! We don't even need to have the history Social Studies books printed. We can rewrite it on the spot at the moment needed. Fantastic work Colonel!

I remain,
Dr. Chicago

This is most glorious! All the mandated years months hours in the People's Gulag for transgressions against "change" socialism social justice can be written out of history, which will be for the betterment of of society! We can be portrayed as Made from Birth Progs instead.

Now, I look forward to a mandated government supplied, 36 days vacation in Palau. I am of such hope as to see Chineese Uighurs comrades, released from torture chamber at Gitmo. They must be so filled with uber praise forAllah the Ob ™ for such nice new digs and freedom from Bushitler. See happy faces!

Yes, these Uighurs are good Muslims. I like them especially since they wiped out every trace of Buddhists in their region, killing every last Buddhist, since Buddhism is a pesky religion that adheres and reveres the law of causality and the belief that within every cause there is a latent effect (if it does immediately manifest itself). Of course, RETCON can take care of that relationship in an instant.

I DENOUNCE CAUSE AND EFFECT! With Retroactive Continuity(TM) there is no need for Cause, or Effect. Only convenient Socialist Truths.

WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY off prog:

This is an example of what a shiny & new RetCon-stitution might look like!

Comrade Czar Czar,

You have brought a tear to the eyes of this Prog!

I remain,
Dr. Chicago

Yes, Comrade Czar Czar. Never have I seen the Hope and Change dream come true put so succinctly.

Excellent RetCon work. See how easy it is?