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Climate science in chaos due to shortage of scary synonyms

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Experts in the world's only settled science are up in arms today as a blunder committed by a staunch ally threatens their efforts to raise taxes and save the planet.

On a recent visit to Washington DC, French foreign minister Laurent Fabius told President Obama and Secretary of Climate John Kerry, "we have 500 days to avoid climate chaos." The remarks came less than a week after the White House released its 829 page National Climate Assessment which introduced the term "climate disruption."

"That French cretin wasn't supposed to use 'climate chaos' yet!" screamed a government-funded climate scientist at a leading research facility, as he was polishing his hockey stick. "We just started using 'climate disruption' last week and hadn't even come close to getting all the money and regulations we wanted from it yet. Dammit!"

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His colleague, a computer scientist, who was busy cooking fudge to mix with temperature data, concurred: "Fabius ruined our best new synonym by springing it far too early. The only good one we have left to use is 'catastrophe.' Good synonyms don't grow on trees, you know. Thanks to morons like him, nothing else will either!"

Many in the climate science racket downplayed the damage. One expert, addressing a UN conference on sustainability via telephone from his 10,000 sq. foot mansion, told the only-mildly-inebriated delegates that there were still some good synonyms left to use, such as "calamity."

"Besides," continued Mr. Gore, "as someone once said, 'What's in a name? Bulls**t by any other name would still sell as sweetly.'"

But others were not so sure. "You can't use 'calamity' after you use 'chaos' and 'catastrophe'," said one Hollywood environmental activist during a save-the-earth orgy. "It's a step down! It's like driving a Tesla Model S and then having to use a Chevy Volt. You might as well plug it in and let the whole garage burn down."

"Climate science needs to start thinking out of the box on this," stated Secretary of Climate Kerry. "Now Senator Reid, he suggested 'Climate Koch Brothers'... I think he's on the right track but I'm not sure it's quite what we need at this crucial hour in earth's history."

Many in the movement are pushing the idea of using a phrase instead of a single word.

"The problem has gotten much too big for just one word," said a state-approved media climate expert. "We've got to go bigger, something like 'Climate Totally Bad F*cking Sh*tstorm'... that would get the deniers' attention."

But there are problems with that approach as well. "It wouldn't fit on a bumper sticker" said one activist. "At least, not if you drive a Chevy Volt."

Ultimately, the final decision will rest with the climate science community's spiritual mentor, Climate-Scientist-in-Chief Barack Obama.

Mr. President, the world awaits your Tweet...


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Hashtag -- #GlobalWarmingClimateChangeStrangeWeatherWhatever -- Al-Gore

--KOOK

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Hashtag -- #GlobalWarmingClimateChangeClaimItChanges -- Al-Gore

--KOOK

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We may still need something to get the bible-clinging-gun-toters to bend over and be taxed donate ... may I suggest to start:

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Only YOU Can Prevent Climate Tribulations
We can ramp it up to "Climate Armageddon" and "Climate Apocalypse" when if the taxes donations are falling short of our demands policy goals expectations.

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Climate Apocalypse, Comrades.

It could, of course, also be a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple climate eater.


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The Climate Monster that devoured Cleveland? Excuse me, now I'm just being silly.

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Yes, finally the time has come in which we must now cleanse ourselves and save the earth from total obliteration. Gays and Lesbians living together, plagues of sea turtles, storms, volcanoes, endless hurricanes, are predicted to happen by the Goracle. Government control of water, air, real estate, sunlight and personal income must be taxed further to offset the coming crisis, which come to think of it is exactly what progressive Democrats have been promoting. The Goracle has spoken and there is no point in debating it.

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By this time, the word "Climate" itself inspires such dread that one might simply keep crying out, "The Climate! The Climate!" and people would hasten to throw laws and pass money ... I mean throw money and pass gas ... I mean ... oh, I do not know ... I am so frightened ...

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Dear Comarade Opiate of the People,

Per your desperate plea at the end

Opiate of the People wrote: ... Mr. President, the world awaits your Tweet...

Help has arrived from our Wordsmith In Chief:

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Hashtag -- #GloballyClimaticApocalypticallyCalamitousArmageddonness -- Barack-Obama

--KOOK

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When commies run out of synonyms for their euphemisms it's time to pull a whole new rationalization de jour for totalitarianism out of your asses.

Better start pulling. This Tooter Turtle daydream has had its day.

Drizzle drazzle, drazzle drone, time for this lie to come home.

It tried. But like Tooter Turtle none of your commie daydreams ever seem to pan out. Time to move on from fantasizing of taking over the world by being climate warriors and come up with a whole new rule the world daydream, little turtles.

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Excellent work on behalf on the planet, comrades. As a reward for your trouble, I have been commanded by Comrade Kerry to make the following announcement...

Comrade Kerry has a new green yacht, the Obamabelle, which uses no fossil fuels whatsoever! He wishes to invite you all aboard to row for party with him for a few months to celebrate. This is one offer you can't refuse. Check it out:

yacht.jpg

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Comrades...

I don't know what all the fuss is about - or about this foreign minister telling us there was only 500 days left... our own NASA says that we are past the point of no return!!!

VIDEO: NASA: Earth Past 'Point of No Return'

So - if there is nothing more we can do - Let's Party Like There's No Tomorrow!

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Danged progressive French amateur! You don't make a 500 day prediction - ever! You make ten year predictions, TEN (10) as a minimum. That way, nobody remembers when your apocalyptic prediction fails to come true just like all the others. Looks like we have to rescue the French again.

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Well, there's only one thing to do. Create an online counter to count down the days. Two days have already been wasted on talk. We need a Days left till the World Ends counter of global awareness so that everyone has their awareness raised.

Without an online countdown of awareness how will we ever know, once the world comes to an end, that the world came to an end?

Or, we could just have that frog knucklehead stand on street corners wearing a The End Is Nigh. Only ___ Days Left. sign.

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$.$. Halliburton wrote:Well, there's only one thing to do. Create an online counter to count down the days. Two days have already been wasted on talk. We need a Days left till the World Ends counter of global awareness so that everyone has their awareness raised.

Without an online countdown of awareness how will we ever know, once the world comes to an end, that the world came to an end?

Or, we could just have that frog [highlight=#ffff99]knucklehead [/highlight]stand on street corners wearing a The End Is Nigh. [highlight=#ffff99]Only ___ Days Left. sign.[/highlight]
I like it. But, how about a world wide lottery? The comrade guessing the korrekt EOWD* wins an all expense paid "Round the World" trip for themselves and their entire extended family including close acquaintances. (Continental breakfasts included, no tipping please)


*End Of World Day: (no refunds in the event of cancellation due to inclement weather)

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The only way to avert what will be the Galactically Cataclysmic Catastrophe of Globally Climatic Apocalyptically Calamitous Armageddonness is for us to take the Deniers with us through the HopeHole.

--KOOK

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Comrades - perhaps we could generate more money to support Mother Earth by criminalizing the most mundane and ridiculous. Surly more people in court would be beneficial to the State!

@Anyer Marx - you might want to check out the smokey the bear law: https://www.law.cornell.edu/cfr/text/36/261.22

Then again you may not give a 'hoot'.

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$.$. Halliburton wrote:Or, we could just have that frog knucklehead stand on street corners wearing a The End Is Nigh. Only ___ Days Left. sign.

The end is nigh! Only ___ shopping days left!


That conveys the gravity of the situation.

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How about "Climate Boo-Boo"? or "Climate Ouchie"?

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Zordon wrote:Comrades - perhaps we could generate more money to support Mother Earth by criminalizing the most mundane and ridiculous. Surly more people in court would be beneficial to the State!

@Anyer Marx - you might want to check out the smokey the bear law: https://www.law.cornell.edu/cfr/text/36/261.22

Then again you may not give a 'hoot'.

Comrade Zordon,

Conventional law applies only to proles and the politically unconnected. In other words, there are exceptions to §261.22. I have posted the applicable "exception" below and provided two additional highlighted words of clarification.

§ 271.3 Public service use.

"The [highlight=#FFFF00]{Commander in}[/highlight] Chief may authorize the use of Smokey Bear for non-commercial educational purposes, without charge, when such use is essentially as a public service, and will, in his judgment, contribute to public information and education concerning the prevention of forest fires."

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The banning use of the word "Lipstick" as a cure to MMGW considered as the assault weather slogs on.
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Captain Craptek wrote: § 271.3 Public service use.

"The [highlight=#FFFF00]{Commander in}[/highlight] Chief may authorize the use of Smokey Bear...
Comrades, I would like to thank Comrade Rodent With Bushy Tail (yes - I said "Bush"y) for the segue to one of The Most Important Topics of Today:

As those of us in the know, um, know, Comrade Sister Lizzy Fauxcahontas Warren will soon - or eventually - be announcing her candidacy for the presidency, you see, I see, we all see. Do we not?

What we need in America today, comrades, is a Commander in Chief who is, in fact, a Chief, a Chief Commander in Chief, if you will - and by golly gee wow Fauxcohantas is our man, erm, woman womyn for the job!

Plus, there's a significant chance that as president she'll have time to write "Pow Wow Chow II", especially now that that CNN journalist they just fired for plagiarism is available to help.

Support your Native American Pow Wow candidate today, comrades! Or at least once she announces.

Plus, she gonna lower the seas and and end Climate Whatsit.

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Zordon wrote:.... @Anyer Marx - you might want to check out the smokey the bear law: https://www.law.cornell.edu/cfr/text/36/261.22

Then again you may not give a 'hoot'.
Comrade Zordon, the ursus pictured above could not be Smokey Bear because his hat does not say so. That is "More Money Bear," an essential member of the kollectiv, with a shovel appropriate for use with appropriated money ... or beet fields, depending upon how well he does appropriating. Similarly, the image below is not that "Woodsy" character, but rather "Woody Owl," known for his outspoken support of the LGTABCXYZ peoples, and seen here with his dog whistle.

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that yellow tape is going to hurt when they peel it off.

I wonder what would make that feel better? Hmmm...


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Anyer Marx wrote:
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I DENOUNCE this cheesy, libelous picture depicting me as some sort of sleazy TV "evangelist" promoting the Church of Global Warming! And I especially DENOUNCE Anyer Marx for sneaking in on my hibernation to take such a horrible shot of me without my bling! Back to the Gulag with you, Anyer!

Everyone this side of a Pinkie SmackDown® knows I'm a Climate Change ATHEIST!

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Sugar Daddy Bear wrote: Everyone this side of a Pinkie SmackDown® knows I'm a Climate Change ATHEIST!

*GASP!!!!* Let me be the first to DENOUNCE Comrade Sugar Daddy Bear for HERESY™! Being a Climate Change ATHEIST is the same as being a Climate Change Denier!!!

Who's up for a ShowTrial™ ?

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Grand Inquisitor of the The First Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology™ ( aka The Goremons™)

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[qu]ote="Zampolit Blokhayev"]
Sugar Daddy Bear wrote: Everyone this side of a Pinkie SmackDown® knows I'm a Climate Change ATHEIST!

*GASP!!!!* Let me be the first to DENOUNCE Comrade Sugar Daddy Bear for HERESY™! Being a Climate Change ATHEIST is the same as being a Climate Change Denier!!!

Who's up for a ShowTrial™ ?

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Grand Inquisitor of the The First Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology™ ( aka The Goremons™)[/quote]

Komrad, you of ALL proles should understand that declaring to be an atheist is perfectly acceptable for the glorious world of Next Tuesday™. I DO believe! (that there isn't enough proof to sustain that belief)


 
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