In answering the People’s call that female students be kept safe from possible unwanted rape without the profound risk associated with carrying weapons, the Supreme Soviet of the University of Colorado has announced that all female students will receive mandatory free colostomies at the University’s teaching hospital.
Students welcome the colostomies, knowing that the sight of the transparent pouches used to store feces will deter undesired rapes and other uncomfortable encounters.
Many female students have expressed enthusiasm for the program, noting the long lines in women’s restrooms as a major inconvenience in student life.
Once all female students are fitted with the bags, long restroom waits will fade into the dustbin of history along with toilet paper shortages and seat liners getting stuck to one's clothing.
If a coed finds herself being confronted with an unwanted rape, she need only lift her blouse to reveal the unsightly bag and its contents. She may also choose to detach the bag and squeeze the contents towards her potential assailant.
Civil liberties agitators are also supportive of this measure, since it will preserve the lives of rapists in need of treatment and reform rather than gunshot wounds and death. The Party knows that many women will rejoice knowing that they are working together for a brighter future of criminal reform rather than perpetuating the bourgeois notion of punishment and deterrence.
The UOC Feminist Alliance, in conjunction with local officials of the Party, are working on new fashion apparel that females can use to cover their colostomies while wearing bikinis on Spring Break or experimenting in the their sexual identity. A new State industry is expected to emerge and take the fashion world by storm!
Some students who may be constitutionally incapable of a colostomy may opt to pay a penalty and be assigned a ‘Guardian Lesbian’ who is certified by the State to carry a weapon on behalf of the workers and peasants.
Colostomy bags are better than guns!
Eliminate weapons violence through medical procedures!
Faithfully submitted to the Collective of the People’s Cube
(with appreciation to Comrade Pinkie for the tip),
Dialectical Progressivism Translator
That is a very good suggestion, however I think I would prefer the colostomy.
Anyer MarxPerhaps wearing a
Would send the alleged perpetrator/victim running in fear that he was about to be screened by someone from the TSA....
University of Colorado Coeds Don't Need Guns to Protect Their Guns. We provide Anti-Rape Masks so life-like our Coeds can stroll the campus naked at night without fear of being raped.