"Liberal" bloggers achieved a swift scientific consensus last night as they familiarized themselves with the People's Cube on this thread. That the consensus was scientific is evident from someone's dropping a scientific word "dissertation," and the tendency to categorize everything in the world, including humor, into "liberal" and "conservative." As we know, the world consists of two types: the ones who split the world into two types, and the ones who don't. At least now we know who's doing it.
~
Bloggers at the 'Constitution Club' wrote
I just spent forty-five minutes over at "The People’s Cube" trying to find something funny, via that elusive conservative humor, with no luck. Dave put it well, "when you have too much time on your hands".
Now I know how PG feels when I post Sadly, No!. Not that it’s going to stop me.
Comment by Andre the Defiant — April 23, 2008 @ 11:10 pm
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I really have to move forward on my dissertation at some point about why conservative humor isn’t funny.
Comment by Wes — April 24, 2008 @ 5:28 am
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Actually, Jesus did support redestribution [sic] of wealth, as Christianity is supposed to do in general.
Except the sadistic scum that call themselves so now, feel much better beating up homosexuals and then paying 50cent to a church or so.
Comment by V — April 24, 2008 @ 6:34 am
------------------------
They attached a "conservative" label to the Cube and categorized it as "unfunny," grouping it together with bigotry, racism, homophobia, and religious fundamentalism. Observe that nowhere on the Cube will you find arguments in support of those views. I never identified myself as strictly "conservative." I never distanced myself from anybody. It's the "liberals" who distanced themselves from me when they found out that I had a moral backbone.
I have always maintained that humor is funny when it strikes you as true. It's a sudden realization of the truth that rises to the surface inside a bubble of silly laughter. But those who live in a different moral universe, feeding off different versions of the truth, will not be amused if jokes don't strike them as true; nothing will surface.
Remember Gary Cooper in High Noon? (I watched it last night). His character made a moral choice to stand for what's right against the wishes of the "world community." The judge ran away, the pastor washed his hands, the friends stayed home, the pacifist Quaker bride left him, and the saloon was full of corrupt drunks and cowards who cheered for the bandits. And as Gary Cooper stood alone in the deserted street preparing to die for the truth, suppose the saloon crowd would start making jokes about how Cooper talks funny, how uncultured he is, how he's playing a lone cowboy, how he's doing things unilaterally, and how war on the bandits is, in fact, illegal.
Sound familiar? No matter how professionally crafted those jokes might be, they would not strike me as funny and I would not laugh at them because they would be morally offensive. Not only would they miss the truth - they would ultimately be against the truth. Because no matter what arguments the saloon crowd may present for moral relativity, the truth in this situation is only one - and you either strike it or not.
That's why I never laugh at the jokes made by Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Mahr, David Letterman, and the rest of them. They remind me of the offensive saloon cads in High Noon.
By the same token, the "liberals" who laugh at Colbert's jokes won't laugh at mine. But they used to laugh at my jokes when I hung out with them in the Clinton-era New York, where morals were murky and the truth was "unknowable." Everybody was free to choose their own version of the truth from the extensive menu - and nobody could force them to do otherwise. But then one day, against everybody's will, the truth about our place in the world was revealed to us in all its clarity. There was no way to escape what happened on 9/11/2001. The 57 varieties of the truth shrunk to just one choice - and you could either take it or leave it.
Each of us continued to maintain the same set of values as before - and yet we became divided. What divided us was the moral choice we made or didn't make. But not making a choice in that situation was a choice in itself. It put us on different sides of the ideological barricades.
I didn't choose to be a "conservative" - my liberal "friends" chose it for me when they rejected me and I found myself standing next to a bunch of similar "rejects" whom I never met before, but who looked like interesting and intelligent people. They were all very different; what united them was a distinctive moral backbone. I will never let others define myself for me, but if being one of the intelligent people with a moral backbone is "conservative," I'll accept it as an honorable degree.
Conservatives fight evil. Liberals fight global warming.
(I'm not sure who said that, maybe Dennis Prager.)
I am thankful that we have correct-thinking leaders like Red Square to help us see the difference. Red, I am sending you a bucket of carbon credits in graditude.
Actually, Jesus did support redestribution [sic] of wealth, as Christianity is supposed to do in general.
Except the sadistic scum that call themselves so now, feel much better beating up homosexuals and then paying 50cent to a church or so.
Comment by V — April 24, 2008 @ 6:34 am
Ah, so "V" reads the same version of the Bible as Nancy Pelosi. Which version is that, anyway?
We have never attempted to be funny, only to spread the Current Truth to all those who will listen and those who won't. We'll whine to anyone out there.
Well, this contributor to the ConClub finds your blog terribly witty. ConClub is a mix of lefty and Conservative Bloggers - yeah you chose the Libs to quote, which is okay since we have both, but it would have been nice to include some of the Conservatives as well.
The Beast (in our comments section):
"The Beast meant liberals can’t laugh at themselves in the political arena, but that’s normal. It’s always funny til your own oxe gets gored."
Agreed - Libs have no sense of humor unless it's directed at others. Thanks for the link and please come back again. Certainly we will return to your fine blog.
"V" is an idiot who showed up today. We are smacking him/her down now.
Commissarka Pinkie wrote
Quote
Actually, Jesus did support redestribution [sic] of wealth, as Christianity is supposed to do in general.
Except the sadistic scum that call themselves so now, feel much better beating up homosexuals and then paying 50cent to a church or so.
Comment by V — April 24, 2008 @ 6:34 am
Ah, so "V" reads the same version of the Bible as Nancy Pelosi. Which version is that, anyway?
Well. "V" is no true Progressive, nor are any of the rest of these commenters. Granted, they all employ a decent literary scowl, but not one of those quoted mentioned the "Illegal, Immoral War in Iraq."
Worse, not a single one of them mentioned that Jesus was a vegetarian -- and that we have a moral and religious obligation to Move To A Plant-Based Diet.
He also forgot to mention that Jesus was a Black man but don't give him ideas! he's not posting on your site he's posting on ours. We don't need more loons.
Not so fast, Hairy Beast. "V" sounds like the man I've been looking for all my life! Oh, I just know he wears a red hat, and that he's sweet and sensitive, and like, totally understands me.
Bring V to me! Bring him to Pinkie! Pinkie wants V!
Not so fast, Hairy Beast. "V" sounds like the man I've been looking for all my life! Oh, I just know he wears a red hat, and that he's sweet and sensitive, and like, totally understands me.
Bring V to me! Bring him to Pinkie! Pinkie wants V!
I came here due to a summons from our leader at the Peoples Cube to help advance the cause of The Glorious World of Next Tuesday when world socialism will triumph. Then I saw the comments here in regard to Christianity and redistribution of wealth. Naturally we progressives are all in favor of redistribution of wealth. provided of course we get our cut.
However, I do wish to point something out that people who talk of Christianity, wealth, helping the needy etc seem to overlook. In the Old Testament you will find that helping those who were poor was indeed part of the Law. However, and this is the point that liberals seem to miss. A tenth of the land being harvested was left for the poor to harvest. But this is an important point…. the owner of the land was not expected to go harvest the crop themselves and then go find the poor and give them their portion. No, the poor had to go pick from the harvest themselves. Imagine that! It is also true that Jesus told us to help the poor, the sick, the elderly etc. But no where, is there the suggestion that the government, the church, or any other power that be should take this from another citizen to give to another citizen. There was another name he used for such behavior and it wasn’t charity, it was theft.
Great Stalin's Ghost! KomradeMarine, you are liable to put the Kommissarka in palpitations is she sees that! Actually, the way she has been treating this Commissar of late I should worry so much.... yet she is a Comrade Commissarka, and we do share an office still (though I have eyed me a fantastic Dacha/Office to move my operations). If you were not such a new shoveler here I could also point out that she has been fickle in her adorations, but the Current Truth is that she is back in the Empress' camp, so she is a Hillary Operative. I am also a HO of course, as you will be as well.
Welcome to the Collective KomradeMarine. I am sure you know the drill, just follow the guard who will direct you to your blunt training shovel, delouse you of any remnant conservative bugs, and put you on the bus to the Karl Marx Re-Education Center.
Excellent comment Gospodin Pupovich, and replied to this morning. Thanks for dropping by.
Commissar Pupovich wrote
Well I had to contribute my 2 rubles there....
I came here due to a summons from our leader at the Peoples Cube to help advance the cause of The Glorious World of Next Tuesday when world socialism will triumph. Then I saw the comments here in regard to Christianity and redistribution of wealth. Naturally we progressives are all in favor of redistribution of wealth. provided of course we get our cut.
However, I do wish to point something out that people who talk of Christianity, wealth, helping the needy etc seem to overlook. In the Old Testament you will find that helping those who were poor was indeed part of the Law. However, and this is the point that liberals seem to miss. A tenth of the land being harvested was left for the poor to harvest. But this is an important point…. the owner of the land was not expected to go harvest the crop themselves and then go find the poor and give them their portion. No, the poor had to go pick from the harvest themselves. Imagine that! It is also true that Jesus told us to help the poor, the sick, the elderly etc. But no where, is there the suggestion that the government, the church, or any other power that be should take this from another citizen to give to another citizen. There was another name he used for such behavior and it wasn’t charity, it was theft.
but the Current Truth is that she is back in the Empress' camp, so she is a Hillary Operative.
Pupovich, what do you mean, I'm "back"? I never left! I have always been the Empress's faithful HO!
Not once have I allowed my head to be turned by Obama with all his sweet talk about how I, too, can enjoy that elusive thing called Hope, which no one has, but everyone wants, they just don't know it yet. (Who else said that? Oh yes--Pasha Antipov in Doctor Zhivago.) Nor have I gone all weak-kneed and swoony with Obama's stirring oratory promising Change--whatever that is, I don't know, no one knows what it is, except it sounds really, really good--sort of like the product VIP in that old Rock Hudson/Doris Day movie, only better! No, I have resisted the idea that all sorts of good things will start happening to me once I get VIP Hope and Change, and that all I will have, I will owe to magnetism of Obama and his wonderful, marvelous product rhetoric.
Excellent comment Gospodin Pupovich, and replied to this morning. Thanks for dropping by.
Thank you for the nice comments.... and thank Lenin, for a moment I thought the "gospodin" had something to do with "gospel," a banned subject in the People's Utopia unless of course we are referring to the Gospel of Hillary.
This story was published in Pajamas Media and is being discussed this morning. Anyone can chime in. There seem to be a lot of posts there that claim that the People's Cube is unfunny. May need support.
I had to laugh at the comments about there being more than one truth. Did The Current Truth (subject to change without notice) completely go over their heads or what?
There is fodder for an article there somewhere; it just needs someone smarter than me.
Why would anyone want to write a dissertation on why something isn't funny? Unfunny relative to what? The hilarity that bellows forth from quick-witted "humorists" such as Trudeau and Al Franken? Anyway, I assume if the dissertation ever gets written, he can sell the distribution rights to Air America and Barnes & Noble.
Also, what exactly is an "oxe" and how does one gore it?
I don't understand this humor foolishness. There is no humor at The People's Cube. There is no time for such bourgeois fetishes as humor. If we lose our sense of serious, the revolution is lost. I found my father laughing at The People's Cube once. Therapy solved his problem:
Comrade Otis
Doctor of Dictatorship
Karl Marx Treatment Center
"Our friendly staff is standing by for you!"
Comrade Otis. where in the Kremilin did you get the idea that humor is not revolutionary? I was known as quite a jokester myself.
I remember once when my Politburo pals were demanding that the great opera singer Kozlovsky sing some particular song. I told everyone "Why do you pressure Comrade Kozlovsky? Let him sing what he wants! And I think he wants to sing Lensky's aria from Onegin!" Everyone cracked up and of course that is what he wanted to sing!
Then there was the time I appointed Isakov Naval Commissar. He felt that was to arduous because he only had one leg.. I told him "since the Navy had been commanded by people without heads, one leg's no handicap!"
However, and this is the point that liberals seem to miss.
"Point"...."Liberals"......"miss"? In the same sentence? Commissar this is outrageous!
OFF: Good stuff there, Pup. The leftover gleaning from the harvest by (private) property owners represents one of the best welfare system models a society can have, when taken in context.
Down here, progs only find something funny if it involves ridicule of "conservatives", or a comically presented death or injury of a human being (other than them).
Besides that, there's no humour in the Left that we know of.
Thanks you all for the support. And welcome, Comrade Krotchsky, to the big collective. Report to Commissar Pupovich for orientation.
Wait, hasn't Pupovich been purged? Must check the Current Truth section.
Comrade, my wise and expensive counsel, the Chairman, informed my the People's Revolutionary Council has dropped the charges. I only hope my action has helped breathe revolutionary fire into the Party and served as an example to new party candidates. However, if further trial by fire is needed, I will gladly submit, For the Party™!
Many thanks for the kind words Comrade Beelzebob. As you can see in my statement, I did not mean to criticize our glorious leftists, I was merely trying to inform them of some decidedly non-progressive values contained in the so called "Holy Bible" that our neo-con mass murdering, misery inflicting, earth destroying enemies use to try and refute the logical and entirely correct progressive movement. To be forewarned is to be forearmed da?
More proof that the People's Cube is not funny found at this Obama-gazing forum dedicated to and moderated by Dan Simmons, a celebrated sci-fi author and winner of the prestigious Beet of the Week Award.
Quote
For some reason this site reminds me of Sgt. Hauk from GOOD MORNING VIETNAM. You know, Bruno Kirby's character, the one who was convinced he was hilarious but was thoroughly impossible to even listen to, let alone laugh at, except for how pathetically inept he was at comedy?
In other words, a really, really, embarrassingly bad site.
Quote
Jeezus. I don't think The Onion is losing sleep over this site.
See, for satire to be truly effective, it has to be a) funny, and b) perfectly willing to bite any hand that tries to feed it. This place is neither. It is a toothless lapdog performing cute little tricks, and it's as amusing as a warm pile on the newly-cleaned carpet.
Quote
Tonight calls for a celebration of the end of a long-ass primary battle, and beginning of what it sure to be an exciting general election.
More proof that the People's Cube is not funny found at this Obama-gazing forum dedicated to and moderated by Dan Simmons, a celebrated sci-fi author and winner of the prestigious Beet of the Week Award.
I couldn't get the link to work, but you provided enough excerpts to give the general picture. I don't think he's worthy of Beet of the Week. However, give me the appropriate clip art and I'll be more than happy to administer something along the lines of "A**hole of the Week Award" and make him the first recipient. I can already see a backlog piling up (ahem).
The link leads to a dummy page, but if you refresh it you'll get to a forum (I know). The comments were made by different people, who apparently are Dan's students and followers.
Yes, Craig believes that for satire to be truly effective, I have to be perfectly willing to sell the bullets to those who want to shoot my family. In his mind, to be a satirist, one must have no principles, no allegiances, no ideology, and no beliefs. Meaning, be incapable of making a point. Meaning, good satire is pointless satire. Just foam at the mouth at the world in general (see Luis Black) and bite indiscriminately all hands that are reaching out to you lest Craig thinks you're a lapdog and a sellout. And blame Bush.
In fact, Craig's quote should read "for satire to be truly effective, it has to be a) funny, b) perfectly willing to bite any hand that tries to feed it, and c) blame Bush.
See? Satire is what Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Al Franken, and Bill Maher do. If it doesn't sound like something Bill Maher might say, then it's really, really, embarrassingly bad satire. Because to be a good satirist, you must be a non-conformist like everybody else.
So I guess Craig's criteria for good satire should have 4 items:
a) haha
b) bite the hand that feeds you
c) blame Bush (it's almost the same as item b but funnier)
d) be a non-conformist like everybody else
All I ask Dear Leader is do you wish for us soldiers to advance on that front? Actually, hoping you say no....I rarely see much point in posting in such, but willing to bite the bullet if called upon.
BTW Dear Leader, I came home a bit early from my normal duties today because my leg was hurting so bad all day (perhaps due to the Chairman's poorly aimed shot?), and was overjoyed to find my We Put the U in Gulag shirt awaiting me! But there is one disappointment that you may wish to know of. I chose an orange shirt, and whether intentional or not, the "People's Cube" is barely visible. All the other lettering shows up clearly in black, but the sites name is some sort of golden perhaps color, that really doesn't stand out against the orange background.
In the lead I forgot to write about this basic rule of humor:
If you are making fun of someone's stupidity, the least likely person to laugh would be the one who happens to be stupid. First of all, he won't know what the joke is about. Second, even if someone explains the joke to him, he won't understand the premise because in his mind he didn't do anything wrong. His friends, if they don't notice his stupidity either, will also be puzzled by your joke's apparent "lack" of premise.
Let's reverse the situation. If you are doing something right, and someone is too stupid to understand what it is that you're doing and why, he may start laughing at you. Even though your actions may eventually benefit him, or save his butt, he's too stupid to understand it and so he points a finger at you and invites other stupid people to laugh with him. Naturally you won't be laughing because those jokes will be insulting to your intelligence and moral values.
So this is why the "progressives" don't find our jokes funny. And this is why I hardly ever laugh at jokes made by liberal comedians.
You may say that I just set myself up for a bitch slap because the statement above can also be reversed.
Not really. In the alternative universe of moral relativism that doesn't have any set values - perhaps. But in this world, where sky is up and earth is down, where ice freezes and fire burns, right is always right and wrong is always wrong. Our values are set to an absolute standard and cannot be reversed. Those stupid enough to reverse them, do it to their own detriment. And because most things in this world are connected, they do it to our detriment as well. That is why it is important not to let stupidity run wild.
And this is exactly why we continue to make fun of the self-destructive stupidity of "progressivism."
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
