The recently surfaced pictures of Senator John Kerry partying with a group of underage intoxicated female voters underscored the urgent need for Party-approved pickup lines, so that progressive leaders would no longer embarrass the movement with lame offers to "play socialized medicine," or brag about their "really small carbon footprint." If applied correctly, such pickup lines would save the working people and the middle class of this country innumerable hours they would rather devote to advancing progress in their communities.
Below are some of our suggestions, broken down by categories. Feel free to add your own.
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Metrosexual:
They say I have animal attraction because I'm attracted to animals.
Do you dance? Then go dance and let me have a word with your boyfriend.
If you were half as pretty as I am I might continue this conversation.
Wait till I show you my gigantic ego!
You are so metrosexual that I would marry your toaster just to get into your family.
Want to come up to my loft and play socialized medicine?
Environmentalist:
Hi, can I offer you a carbon offset?
Are you always this hot - or did you just release a cloud of global warming gases?
Would you come to my place and help me recycle some rubber?
Baby, you so hot, you should be banned under the Kyoto Accords!
Let's go back to your place and cut back on your carbon imprint.
If we share our body heat, we can lower the thermostat by another ten degrees. You do want to save the polar bears, don't you?
Bush hater:
I'm lonely tonight and it's Bush's fault!
Bush lied, and now I'm about to die! Will you take pity on me?
Can I interest you in a discussion about Bush, Dick, and Colin?
Want to see an interpretive dance about impeaching Bush?
Did you know that HBO also stands for Hate Bush Orgasm? Want to find out why?
Let's go down to my Mom's basement and defeat Bush together.
Leftist professor:
Has anyone told you that you look like Socialism with a human face?
They call me Mao Tse Dong.
Want to practice some diversity after classes?
Is your father Bill Ayers? 'Cause you're a bomb!
Didn't I see you in the library - on the cover of Communist Manifesto?
It's the Che way or the highway.
Democrat Party Strategist:
I'd like your opinion on my poll.
What is your favorite position in the energy crisis debate?
Damn baby, you have more curves than the Democrat Party line.
I promise not to gusher when I drill. I'll pull out like a good Democrat Party plan for Iraq.
Want to go see the Donkey Show in Denver this month?
Turn out the lights and lets play "Find the Speaker."
Obama supporter:
I'm always the one I've been waiting for, but tonight I'm hoping to change that!
How'd you like to feel a thrill up your leg?
Why won't you go out with me? Is it because I don't look like all those other guys you see on dollar bills?
So you're looking for a guy just like Barack? Stinky feet, snores, can't remember to fold the laundry or put the butter away, or close the bread so it doesn't dry out? I'm your man!
Let me show you my pressure gauge and we'll see if it gives you more mileage.
Free moustache rides with every tuneup. Lift your hood and let's get started.
Socialist:
Let's get hammered and I'll show you my sickle
I'm the comrade who puts the "pro" into progressive.
Are you up for a few revolutions? 'Cause I'm up for a massive uprising!
Has Nader won the elections? Cause this must be workers' paradise!
If I say you have a beautiful subsidy would you hold it against me?
I have a five year plan and it includes you. It doesn't have to be five years, one night works for me.
Collectivist:
Would you like to be a mote in our vast collective?
It is our duty closely to examine all Party Organs.
We strive for the collective ownership of the means of reproduction.
I'll show you my collective farm if you bring a girlfriend.
Let's join efforts and work together for the common good.
Put your hands behind your back and stand still, so we can pick you up!
Old School (Bolshevik):
Do you ride in this box car often?
Is this the Lubyanka? You have my heart locked up.
Care to come to my dacha and plant some turnips?
I've got an All-Russia Congress of the Workers' and Soldiers' Soviets in my pants, and you've just been nominated to the Central Committee!
I'm a Commissar, I can make good things happen for you or I can have bad things happen. Which shall it be?
The State said we have to... Is required.
Commissarka Pinkie: Progressive women don't use pickup lines - we skank ourselves up, sit on the barstool with our skirt hitched over our thighs and one leg propped up like Anne Bancroft, and hope some equal loser of the opposite sex will stop throwing darts or playing pinball long enough to take pity on us.
That being said, here are my favorite crowd pleasers:
Just where does that shovel of yours end?
Want me to show you a true worker's paradise?
Wanna plant carrots with me?
Lookin' for a new hoe?
I've always heard it's not the size of the shovel that counts - it's how fast and deep you can dig with it.
Communists for Kerry: If we are to discard the old bourgeois moral values, we must make sure that no void is left in their place. This can be achieved through mandatory sensitivity and diversity training sessions, which would arm the community with effective tools of achieving progress in all areas of communal life, especially such popular activity as spontaneous sex with drunken strangers.
Progressive pickup lines above have been generated by the Groupthink computer. Plugged in were the brains of Red Square, Commissarka Pinkie, Marshal Pupovich, Ivan Betinov, Laika the Space Dog, Margaret, and other members of the people's collective.
You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl we coudn't get much higher.
Come on babe inflate my tire
Come on babe inflate my tire
I approve this modern collectivist foreplay. It is good to combine edukation with fornikation. Old school hook ups were rough and sudden causing bruising and hay fever. Always it was back to the potatoes with barely time for Party salute or cigarette. In new century females have choice of partner in variety of body hair and skin texture. The hairless Dandys of old days were detested but now have proud Party standing as metrosexual sympathizers showing progressive Big Barn attitude.
Speaking of politically correct foreplay and time-saving techniques, today I came across this wonderful "global warming" ice breaker. If this doesn't help you strike the right tone, nothing else will...
Comrades, I think that you have drunk too deeply from the capitalist, meritocratic well. All of your pick-up lines are merely riffs on ones which have some personal identity in them.
A true socialist would say, "I may be as fat as Michael Moore and as bald as Kojak, but it is your duty to have sex with me for I am owed it just by being alive. I may not have the money of Michael Moore to make the sex more interesting but then it is oppressive capitalism for you to require money. Cannot you see my progressive heart beating beneath the hundredweight of man boobs?
"It is your duty as a compassionate liberal to haul my ashes because no one else does. Because I am sexually disenfranchised. In fact I insist that no more rappers have sex until Carmen Electra and Beyonce both ring my bell over and over."
I am ashamed that in this august forum you would even think of the need for a pick-up line. After all, sex is a right. In fact I'm going to expound on that right a Gold's Gym right now and tell them their progressive duty.
I agree Commissar, just the fact that we are in need should be more than sufficient for a real socialist he/she/appliance babe to do whatever it takes to satisfy my needs, Of course, on the down side, being a true socialist babe, she will fail to fulfill the "5 Minute Plan."
Is the 5 year plan the correct metaphor here? After all, they focus on OUTPUT, and I believe the key interest in comradely fellowship is INPUT.
Commissar Theocritus has an excellent point - I exist, therefore I deserve sexual gratification of any form I choose at any frequency I desire. Pickup lines are for frustrated Republican day-traders and software developers.
The real turn-on for true collectivists - as I have discovered with the kittens in my collective - is purity of political thought. Read the 5-year plan to them instead of foreplay. With correct inflection and a suitably passionate recital, the politically reliable pussycat will be purring with pleasure as you outline projected farm implement quotas. Don't forget the seed drill statistics.
Are you a big-endian or a little-endian? I am not so orthodox and can with ease think of putting in or putting out.
In my native Shanghai, Commissar, both sides of the street are wide and well traveled. And, sadly, so are its gutters. One comrade's virgin is another comrade's whore. One comrade's right is another comrades's wrong.
A haiku to parody the destruction of the hedonistic west:
It is all about me
all of the time
summer breeze heralds the mime
Must we spell it out Comrade Cat? We are talking about our need. Our need only seeks the completion of our 5 Minute Plan. Now if someone else has a Party approved need, and they have a 5 minute Plan, I hope Lenin blesses them with completion of said plan, provided they clean up after themselves.
Pickup lines? These are old whores for the taking. A 'Mujahid' does not have to speak in order to gain possession of a slave woman. "One’s right hand possesses!!!...."
Your kind of thinking is most unholy.
The blessed way is purchase a few young girls for marriage.
How could you forget of us War Protesters?! I present a few to fellow comrades,
Iraq? How about your rack?
Let's go back to my place and picket!
I do it grassroots style, do you?
You can camp at my place!
My house has it's own protest sign, want to see it?
You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl we coudn't get much higher.
Come on babe inflate my tire
Come on babe inflate my tire
Environmentalists:
7. Let's get natural and party!
8. A logging company is coming tomorrow. This could be your last chance to climb my tree.
9. How'd you like to help me plant my seed?
10. I've got a copy of "An Inconvenient Truth" on DVD. What say we watch it and make sure it ends in a climax?
11. I'm 40. Think how many tree rings wide my root is.
12. You're as beautiful as a flower and I've got one hell of a pistil and plenty of stamen.
13. Have you ever sewn wild oats? (In case there's confusion about Wild Oats Markets: "No, not the organic grocery sell-outs, the real thing.")
14. The Japanese revere nature and loving sculpt trees and bushes with tender loving strokes, passionate caresses developed over centuries, and I know what I'm talking about, X-chan.
15. It might be a bon mot, but I bet I can make your bon-sai.
16. I'm organizing a small group to protect sapsuckers. Would you like to contribute to the cause?
17. It's a beautiful day. What say we do a little field work.
18. Damn! The hair on your legs is fine, girl!
19. I've got the stem and you've got the bush--let's play ecosystem.
I was impressed with the strong show of diversity, with comrades of all races, creeds, and colors at the Pro-Kerry rally. We should all remember the great sacrifices and risks the Haughty John Kerry, who served in vietnam, took, when he served as a double Agent in Vietnam for our side, the USSR.
Again though, what diversity....
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[quote="Red Square"]Speaking of politically correct foreplay and time-saving techniques, today I came across this wonderful "global warming" ice breaker. If this doesn't help you strike the right tone, nothing else will...
And there's more where it came from:
Comrade Square, I trust you read the ever-important disclaimer our comrades left us at that link....
Quote
Disclaimer: The funny t-shirts found on Be-Carbon-Neutral.com are just novelty items. None of the proceeds will go toward the fight against Global Warming. You are not purchasing Carbon Credits or Carbon Offsets. Wearing these t-shirts will not actually make you Carbon Neutral or eliminate any Greenhouse Gases (GHG) including, but not limited to, Carbon Dioxide (CO2) or Methane (CH4). You cannot trade Carbon Credits for sex in an attempt to Prevent Global Warming
That is an interesting point Red Square, do our cardboard cutouts really need to pay for carbon credits? Or for that matter, how about our necro voters? Haven't they already paid the price for theirs?
It still brings a tear to my eye, a tear of admiration, to think of the Chicoms who billed the families of thoughtcriminals for the bullets used to recycle them.
I am not a racist. Any good totalitarian port in a storm. Chicom, Soviet, even Jolly Danny Ortega. What's sauce for the commissar is sauce for the commissarka.
It was most inappropriate for me to have used the word "steal" commissar. It was Bush's fault of course. It is obvious that Progressive thinking is not limited to but one People's state and so a good idea such as having the family pay for the bullet is bound to emerge naturally from the logic of a Peoples State.
Yes, and I'm thinking of filing a lawsuit against the company that made the bullet--see my logic? Get 'em both ways.
A true aspirationist should be flexible in his planning, you see--follow the money for that's where the power is. And that also insulates you from the proles who don't wash the way they should.
Why stop at the bullet manufacturer? We should also go after Big Steel, Big Lead, and Big Gunpowder for providing the means to make said bullet. Speaking of tears flowing.... today I saw a sight I did not think was still out there to see.... yes, I saw candy cigarettes in the store, and not just one, but 3 different brands! Yes, get the proles early so they purchase the Peoples Beet Smokes, while at the same time bringing in a new generation of necro voters.
"Who wants to see my pantload of revolution?"
"I have a pantload of revolution with your name all over it!"
"My pantload of revolution is ready to blow like Russia 1917!"
"If you were a true Bolshevik, you would join my pantload of revolution!"
"Show me your Proles and I'll show you my pantload of revolution"
And so on....
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
"Ooooh.... Chairman Mousevitch Punchy-wunchy... let's get out of here and go back to my Party™ subsidized nine bedroom apartment and kommisarate with each other... the peasants are revolting".....
Oh wait... didn't Dr. P use that on you last year?
Glorious Red... aren't you glad I'm sick?... I only post one and is stolen from Dr. P though I doubt Punchenko remembers.
SMO!!!! You are back!!! It is so wonderful to see you again Comrade! And I mean that from the bottom of my soulless, Lenin fearing, greedy, self centered, progressive, black heart!
... while I'm here, a few more, but still not up to snuff... perhaps when I'm feeling a bit better.. in any case, I was much taken with Comrade Commisarka Pinkie's 'tool'-inspired submissions, and the Party knows how I appreciate a good tool...
- Comrade, you must be a Party Standard Issue Peoples Broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
- Comrade, would you like to come back to the Kolkhozy and plow my field?
- If I admire your Party Organ, would you hold it against me?
- Can I pretend your pants are Georgia and invade them? (okay... that was just tasteless... I'll just denounce myself now...)
Great thing about appliance sex.... no need for pick up lines, progressive or otherwise.
I must confess this romancing is a weak point of mine. Best pickup line I could muster before I became a more equal comrade was "What kind of subsidy would it take?"
Now I prefer to imitate the Chairman's more direct approach such as...
Yes, that is an AK-47 in my pocket and I am glad to see you.
Yes, yes, we know, but is everyone invited again like last year? We were all impressed with your surprisingly LARGE TURNOUT (my compliments, as always, dear comrade doctor)
Are you a big-endian or a little-endian? I am not so orthodox and can with ease think of putting in or putting out.
Just to clarify, Comrade Commissar Theocritus, might one say that you are asking, in other words, "Are you the Peoples bitch or the Peoples butch? I am very flexible (waggle eyebrows suggestively here)."
Thank you for the individual collective compliment, which I will redistribute to those more needy than myself, as I will do when I get that PIN and redistribute the capitalist exploitation units to which it will provide me access.
Speaking thereof, allow me to propose an alternative: I have 914 comrades in Nigeria who might be able to provide a way to access said account without a physical visit. Not only would that save me the cost of gas, it would strike a minor blow against the Big Oil eco-terrorists (and also give me, potentially, a new environmentalist pickup line). Not only is my alternative alternative, it would also empower some oppressed and exploited Third Worlders ripe for Revolution.
Marshal Pupovich said: "Yes, that is an AK-47 in my pocket and I am glad to see you."
Ah, I'm relieved. I had mistaken it for a Polonium-tipped retractable umbrella.
Y'know.... I have one of those... no... not a Kalashnikov... and no... not a rodney... But I do have a Polonium-tipped retractable umbrella... Red gave it to me for my birthday a few years back and I will treasure it always...
Only if you'll let me show you how to field strip my Uzi and clean it... there's a little silly piece of solder that's supposed to keep it from being set on automatic (as some types of automatic weapons are illegal in Canadistan...), but it's easily knocked up... I mean off...
Or if you prefer, I'll show you my AUG and you can look through my tritium night site... it's a .223, but you know what they say.... 'it's not the calibre of the weapon... it's the spread of the ammo..."... and I've never gone for jacketed myself...
Wait... this is the politically correct pick-up line thread... right?...
It does a socialist's heart good to see SMO engaging in politically correct pick up lines with Comrade Kalishnikov. Oh, and I would like to see that plotonium tipped umbrella!
Comrades, I think that you have drunk too deeply from the capitalist, meritocratic well. All of your pick-up lines are merely riffs on ones which have some personal identity in them.
A true socialist would say, "I may be as fat as Michael Moore and as bald as Kojak, but it is your duty to have sex with me for I am owed it just by being alive. I may not have the money of Michael Moore to make the sex more interesting but then it is oppressive capitalism for you to require money. Cannot you see my progressive heart beating beneath the hundredweight of man boobs?
"It is your duty as a compassionate liberal to haul my ashes because no one else does. Because I am sexually disenfranchised. In fact I insist that no more rappers have sex until Carmen Electra and Beyonce both ring my bell over and over."
I am ashamed that in this august forum you would even think of the need for a pick-up line. After all, sex is a right. In fact I'm going to expound on that right a Gold's Gym right now and tell them their progressive duty.
You may be interested in the weekend special at the Pup's Party Pleasure Palace? It comes with the partner the state chooses for you with a complementary beet dip and fried rat on a stick.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
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Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History