Commemorate the outgoing year of 2008 with these nostalgic progressive haikus. Feel the paradigm shift as the clock strikes 12 and we move from the Year of Bush to the Year of Obama!
(Just as progressive poets have liberated the verse from the oppression of rhyme, we have liberated our haikus from the archaic 5-7-5 syllable restriction, which was a purely bourgeois formality. Who needs to count? Report them to the nearest ACLU officer!)
~
Unwashed masses! The only thing not smelly is the money you give us.
For love and for hate We take away from the rich and give to the hookers.
We must change the country with a focus on nature - oh, look, a squirrel!
Every Rorschach inkblot looks like George Bush with horns. Psychiatric evaluations are torture!
I'm opening at random a copy of the New York Times. The income gap is deepening.
This morning I brushed granola flakes from my beard. 25 days left until Bush leaves office!
Together we can build a new habitat for humanity with our hammers and sickles.
A giant SUV: one gallon, two gallon, three gallons. Why is Bush still in power?
Without marijuana leaf How can we struggle for social justice?
I was drinking my latte While reading the New York Times. Will I survive this winter?
The Soviet Union is dead and yet - isn't there still something remaining in us?
The bumper sticker before me says that our planet is doomed. The guilt is unbearable.
You raise awareness, and I raise awareness. Utopia is around the corner.
Imams praying on the plane - ask them, which public building will be blown up next.
Flies drop dead as I write. How many civil liberties will also be dead today?
Having refused fossil fuels how lonely I feel in the cold of night!
A lovely thing to see: on my computer screen, real women.
A lonely comment posted on my very progressive blog - with a link to Viagra.
Bush lied today. Tomorrow poor children Will be all dead.
After flying on a private jet I bought carbon credits And feel smug again
You made a profit and now you must share. The community is watching.
Work makes me desperate. I will vote many times for Barack the Avenger.
Thanks for this opportunity to allow us to express our artistic side Red Square. With Obama at the helm, I expect to recieve a boatload of cash through art endowments!!
Union Boss has quit
No longer needs to work hard
Barry will provide.
Gas Prices Falling
Good time to raise gas taxes
Income for wind farms
Birds, bees, and green trees
Nature is awe inspiring
Bush nearly killed it
Who is this Blago?
Sounds crazy to me. Keep clear.
Must remain clean.
A cat, a big rat
Natural enemies or
Future human food?
Palin out of news
I miss her hefty titties
Run again Sarah
Socilism. Yes!
It's about damn time people
Unlce Sam now rules
Black American
Is President elect now
Next is Chinese gal
Al Queda not worse
Then the Bush family bunch
They are now our friends
Dems control all now
Makes me tingle and fertile
I shall spread my seed.
Unemployment rules!
I sit and you pay my bills
You lose. I win. Ha!
Taxes for the rich
They steal from me routinely
Obama gives back.
Trucks in high demand
Small cars cannot haul lumber
Mandates, ooops, wrong move
Barry elected
I am still miserable
Why the hell is that?
Pro Choice is the way
Babies mean less food for our
Elected elites.
Haiku's are great fun
Rhyming not necessary
Five, Seven, Five, Done!
Whales, three toed sloths, Bees
Endangered! Need your money
Yes, it is a scam.
Minnesota's Cold
Where is our warming Al Gore?
We need heat, Fraudster!
"Nostalig Progressive"? Wait, does it mean The Past is Progress? I'm confused. Must be Bush's fault.
Wasn't the entire progressive movement, historically speaking, a nostalgic reaction to industrialization and capitalism? Behind the progressive idea of a powerful benevolent state taking care of the little people is the old myth of a benevolent overlord caring for his subjects without such silly distractions like the individual rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What motivated and united the spiritually-minded progressives was their confused, irrational revulsion of the perceived materialism of the markets, which they attacked much like Don Quixote attacked the windmills thinking they were the dragons. The elitist progressives resented the markets, competition, and growing productivity of labor that took the power away from the deserving aristocratic elites and gave it to the undeserving lowly business people - only because they produced our food, clothes, houses, tools, medicine, increased life expectancy, reduced the share of stupefying hard manual labor through innovation, and increased the share of clean, professional, high-paying jobs, which even further reduced the dependency of the individual commoner on the caring elites. The ingrates! That led to the rise of Don Quixote - the archetypal early progressive fighter against the materialistic bourgeoisie.
Any progressive would be proud of a comparison with the idealistic Don Quixote. But it's not the idealism that makes it wrong - it's the direction in which this idealism is going.
The road to renewed spirituality and communal living is clear: punish the achievers, tax the productive, expropriate the capitalist property, reduce labor productivity, shorten life expectancy lest the Social Security program bankrupts the nation, decrease the share of clean, professional, high-paying jobs, and increase the share of stupefying hard manual labor - which is what Obama's shovel-ready infrastructure projects are about. Give up your computer and grab a shovel - the future looks bright!
Only a thoroughly delusional moonbat or a crooked demagogue would call such regress a "progress." But that's what this absurdity is called - "progress." Obama talks about taking the country to the 21st century. That is an insult to everyone who worked hard to take it there. Where Obama is objectively taking the country, though, is back to the beginning of the 20th century at best. It might as well be 1605 when Don Quixote was written.
In the unlikely event you're interested in whatever else I have written on Don Quixote, click here: Don Quixote: The Ultimate Moonbat
Did you know I named my horse, Rocinante after Don Quixote's horse? There is a blog called Quixote's Horse that stands up for all we believe in (that is, really believe in) here at the Cube:
"Every man has something of Don Quixote in his Humour, some darling Dulcinea of his Thoughts, that sets him very often upon mad Adventures. What Quixotes does not every Age produce in Politics and Religion, who fancying themselves to be in the right of something, which all the world tells 'em is wrong...?" - Motteaux
Rocinante... that was the name of Don Quixote's skinny old horse.
QUIXOTE'S HORSE is dedicated to tirelessly exposing the lies and hypocrisy of governments, corporations and individuals wherever we may find them.
If I really had a horse, (and I did at one time) I would name him Rocinante!
The blade whispers as I draw it across my throat.
The crimson hammer and sickle bloom on my shirt.
I am free to worship The Collective, The One.
The One, my Lord
We exchange our coats
Yours fine and warm, mine non-existent.
My Lord has come with the January snow.
Toes and fingers turned black
The snows of January piled high.
The One has come.
All will be well.
My brothers and sisters we come in joy.
Give of your abundance.
We come in peace.
We will receive our share.
We follow The One.
The warm blood flows over the street.
Haiku you, who will not serve The Collective, and honor The One.
"Nostalig Progressive"? Wait, does it mean The Past is Progress? I'm confused. Must be Bush's fault.
Wasn't the entire progressive movement, historically speaking, a nostalgic reaction to industrialization and capitalism? Behind the progressive idea of a powerful benevolent state taking care of the little people is the old myth of a benevolent overlord caring for his subjects without such silly distractions like the individual rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
...
Does it mean we should go back to living in a cave? Hey, Osama lives in a cave, no? I heard he's progressive.
No, living in a cave is bourgeois as there are not enough caves for everyone. Sleeping out state provided tents with equal bedding is the socialist way of ensuring equality.
Barack Obama and Joe Biden have a plan
Immediate Action to Create Good Jobs in America
Immediate Relief for Struggling Families
A Rapid, Aggressive Response to Our Financial Crisis
Using All the Tools We Have
Sup Holmes!? Keepin' yo pimp hand strong? Did you get the 40 of O-E I sent you for Changemas?
I started a new thread in the Gulag for Trolls about Change.gov and my efforts to rattle some tinfoil contribute to their glorious page. What's funny is that most of the supporters of The One are not fully devoted. I see many future shovel-wielders for my Gulags! They dare to mention things like God and they question The One. They doubt the Change. Their Thumb-up/Thumb-down system gives Power to the People in reporting their peers! They contradict each other and seem to have trouble identifying the proper party line. Our Obamissar of Current Truth must ensure these rouge elements are brought in line...
Perhaps a few well timed drivebys might help to affect Change.
Sup Holmes!? Keepin' yo pimp hand strong? Did you get the 40 of O-E I sent you for Changemas?
I started a new thread in the Gulag for Trolls about Change.gov and my efforts to rattle some tinfoil contribute to their glorious page. What's funny is that most of the supporters of The One are not fully devoted. I see many future shovel-wielders for my Gulags! They dare to mention things like God and they question The One. They doubt the Change. Their Thumb-up/Thumb-down system gives Power to the People in reporting their peers! They contradict each other and seem to have trouble identifying the proper party line. Our Obamissar of Current Truth must ensure these rouge elements are brought in line...
Perhaps a few well timed drivebys might help to affect Change.
Good work Comrade. I understand that the Dot-Gov site is altering/deleting controversial/unwanted posts. They had a "disclaimer" that their feed-back blog-response section was run by a non-governmental entity--sorta "I wasn't Me" defense of why is da gubment deletin records.
Thanks fo da 40, we be rollin' phat an' livin' large.
I love yo' avatar. Dat reminds me o' uh ho ah' once held tight. Man! She had da damn Ту́ла arms facto'y logo tattooed on ha' booty. Man! She wuzn't Finn sistah, but wuz absolutely rewo'ked. She sho' man wuz sweet t'me, if ya' catch muh ma fuckin JIBE. But ah' had t'let ha' jet, so's I could be some player. Ah be baaad...
DON'T CHANGE YOUR AVATAR, OR WE BE DRIVE-BY YO' ASS! Ya' dig?
(I love your avatar. It reminds me of a Mosin I once held tight. She had the Ту́ла arms factory logo engraved on her receiver. She wasn't Finned, but was reworked as a '59 . She sure was sweet. But I had to let her go; I was broke. Please feel free to keep that as your avatar.)
Da Peeps' Rapper
Comrade C2G хулиганье
And makin' thugs out you suckas.
From the cradle to the grave.
Yo Comrade Cradle! Glad you like and understand my avatar. I do have one of those reworked Finn M39's. But I'm selling it tomorrow as I can't stand the sights. (Yes I know, I've committed blasphemy in the eyes of the collective) Nice rifle, but if I can't make out the sights well enough to hit the target.... I still have a Model 91/30 Mosin Nagant, a very sweet Tula SKS, and am building an AK from a Romanian parts kit.
I have a friend with two model 59 Mosins, both from the Izmash arsenal, like my 91/30. I may buy one from him. If you've got $129 or so, classicarms.us still has M91/59's available. I think I like the Mosin Nagant over any other bolt action rifle. I used to be a mauser snob until I discovered the world of Mosins. I should have registered as Comrade762 but I wasn't thinking, and was cleaning my revolver at the time... Oh well.
Comrade Leader Red Cube, is it possible to change my Revolutionary name to Comrade762, in order to better reflect the glorious rifles I hold so dear?
Breast not Bombs women
Chase me every night in dreams
I wake vomiting
Comrade Commissar Maksim,
I thought such dreams were only for those in the 9th canto of Hell. Yet since you are still alive, probably, this might mean you are going through purge-atory now.
Some haiku for comrades:
Honkie boy or girl:
Uncool capitalist parents?
Che Guevara saves!
Yakutsk camp one-three
Cattle-cars of zeks, unseen
By scared eyes. Who's next?
Old childhood voice calls,
"Traitor quota, your town, soon."
Go camping for days.
Kurgman says, "New Deal!"
New laws, taxes, depression.
Stalin, Hitler smile.
Ho ho Ho Chi Minh,
Dems cut funds, prison camps begin.
Call a loss a win.
Moonlit tundra, bright
Not a man, a flea-bitten wight
One shot, no echo.
The jiziya is
Redistribution, comrades:
Submit to Islam.
Bush and Cheney both
Made Republicanistan
In Iraq for oil.
My Whole Foods budget
Now goes to Wal*Mart, damn it!
Real libs feel my pain.
I'm a "secret shopper"
Not one catching shoplifters
Swipe my card, Wal*Mart.
Old Madoff made off
With millions I earned with my
Ivy League degree.
Ivy League degree
Took me to Wall Street then back down
Squeegee, no taxes.
Ninehundredthousand,
Hot cash, cold fridge, people's man.
Future prisoner?
Ninehundredthousand,
Hot cash, cold fridge, people's man.
Future prisoner?
Comrade_Tovarich
You and the Innostranyi Otdel write haikus that could compete with the bard himself. Please do not misunderstand me, I do not refer to The Bard which is the omniscient Obamamessiah himself (may he reign forever) but sadly the bard which of course is just Shakespeare.
Please bear with and forgive this woefully ignorant Prole but what is the above quoted Haiku in reference to? If you feel that I need to know……
I am lamenting the fact that my selfish needs are outweighing the greater good of the people and I must work on the most glorious and long awaited anointing of our new Leader. Here are my thoughts. This has been helpful in my suffering.
WHY? must we work on
the most important day of
our sad life? Blame Bush.
While the fortunate
ones free of the burden
of work enjoy a parade?
Oh! To be there to
experience the joy! Joy!
Hail the Messiah!!
Fair and Balanced will
be my only eye that day.
Sean will be there. Woot.
Woe to the oppressed
and selfish ones not willing
to call in sick...or gay.
The glorious balls!
The champagne and ladies ball gowns!
My Dockers are cotton.
I chill with the thought
of failure and pull my coat close.
My mortgage is due.
I will gather my tools
for HE will free me from work.
When does free gas start?
To my Soulless Comrade of the People, Proletarian Robot,
The above mentioned Haiku refers to the Greedy Swine Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-La.), who was caught with no small amount of filthy bribe money in his freezer.
To add further grime to this story of heinous misdeed, he was defeated in this recent
(s)election by Anh "Joseph" Cao, an escaped refugee from Saigon before the Glorious Reclamation.
Cao is a self-admitted Capitolist and a Republican Conservative Anti-intellectualist.
Sasha the Gulag Dancing Bear will enjoy administering his Re-education...
Thank you for your acknowledgement of my selfless production. Placing me atop the ashcan of poetic history beneath which the bard lies is an honour this prole's shoulders can barely bear (ah, I could not help myself to the pun aided by the above graphic of our Sasha).
Which brings me to Comrade Innostanyi Otdel, to whom I express thanks for clarifying the details on the esteemed former Congressperson from Louisiana.
Comrade Leader Red Cube, is it possible to change my Revolutionary name to Comrade762, in order to better reflect the glorious rifles I hold so dear?
Go to your profile (in Grouptink) and change your name, password, avatar, or anything else you deem necessary to advance the class struggle. You can even use spaces and any other superfluous bourgeois niceties.
After the revolution, of course, all non-standard characters shall be eliminated and spaces replaced by underscores. Everything will be lower case only - except for the PARTY LEADERS whose ENTIRE NAMES will be ALWAYS spelled with UPPER CASE.
FYI, whenever you change your name or your avatar, all your posts on the Cube get automatically updated with those changes. And, just so you don't forget, the Cube collective is right behind you. The community is watching. Closely. Very closely.
After the revolution, of course, all non-standard characters shall be eliminated and spaces replaced by underscores. Everything will be lower case only - except for the PARTY LEADERS whose ENTIRE NAMES will be ALWAYS spelled with UPPER CASE.
in awe MARSHAL_PUPOVICH stands
for RED_SQUARE his liege
warm tickle runs down leg
lower case proles
less equal equals
see your place
Red Square looks kindly on your haiku endeavors. Make sure you collect a sample of that warm tickle to be placed in the future Museum of the Revolution aka the Obama Memorial Library.
Skinnee Jay -
Capitalization only exists in written languages developed and used by White Europeans and their descendants in colonies around the world (aka The Western Civilization). Since the Western Civilization is as evil and unsustainable as the White Man himself, all their trademark inventions are also evil and unsustainable. Hence the elimination of capitalization in all progressive writing of late, especially on the Internet.
Whenever you think someone is too lazy or uneducated to use capital letters, think again! That is, in fact, a protest against the oppressive language rules imposed by the Western capitalist hegemonists on the masses in order to diminish the self-esteem of the unwashed, which makes it easier to subjugate them.
Part of our revolutionary strategy has been to raise the confidence and self-esteem of the unwashed - and we are succeeding! Today the average unwashed feels 60% more confident than the unwashed of the Eisenhower administration, and 100% more confident than those of the Jefferson administration. In fact, today's unwashed feel as if they had just come out of the shower every minute of the day - without even having to use soap or other personal hygiene products for months! Just ask Michael Rudolph, who is a borderline genius, about his borderline use of soap and a comb.
Permit me if you will if I share a bit of wisdom I just posted in another thread that I believe relates to the subject of capitalism and progressive thinking:
....Actually, I am shocked that people would be upset about Blogovich. When you think about it, even a progressive government such as we are establishing is in a sense the epitome of capitalism. "How can you say that Marshal?" one may ask. Simple comrades. The State offers services and tangibles to the people. In return, we take OPM for these goods and services. Now what sort of business would not charge a percentage of profit for those goods and services? None of course. What system of government would claim they do not make a profit on these goods and services? Why, Communist™ of course! And WE, the Party here in the USSA are not Communist™ are we comrades? (Everyone nod "no way!") No! Of course not! We are progressive socialists! So we are allowed to take a little off the top so to speak, for our delivery of goods and services. So what if Blogovich chose to do this without advertising his dealings? Why nothing of course! If he weren't so clumsy abot it, we could say "He's our guy!"
As you can see, in the end, we take these "nominal profits" so that we can do more For the Common Good™! In the end, it's all For the Children™! You feel it in the end don't you comrade?
Happy New Year All!
I do hope for better things,
God has promised me...
That's the um... you know...REAL God being refered to there.
Yes, yes, I know. Sasha the Gulag Dancing Bear will flaggelate me for every cursed syllable of filth I just posted...
Not necessarily Comrade, provided you know the name this god goes by, "The State" or "The Party." It is the State that has promised us all better things, who will command the ocean levels to drop, and from whom all hope for change will come.
Ah, it is very good to hear! For when they come for you, there is evidence that your reactionary backsliding could not be helped due to pre-existing conditions, including being human. As you know, socialism is no laughing matter!
Comrade Marshal Pupovich,
There is in Japan a line of men's clothing called Pearly Gates. It is targeted at men middle-aged and older, especially golfers. There are plenty of Japanese Christians, but I think the English meaning is lost on them. I would love to know how and why the clothing line's name was chosen.
There is in Japan a line of men's clothing called Pearly Gates. It is targeted at men middle-aged and older, especially golfers. There are plenty of Japanese Christians, but I think the English meaning is lost on them. I would love to know how and why the clothing line's name was chosen.
There is in Japan a line of men's clothing called Pearly Gates. It is targeted at men middle-aged and older, especially golfers. There are plenty of Japanese Christians, but I think the English meaning is lost on them. I would love to know how and why the clothing line's name was chosen.
And glorious film "Heaven's Gate" told of utopian American communism! Where religion would be opiate of masses.
I confess I contributed to its awful failure as a capitalistic venture by never seeing it, however.
I did see a film once called "The Kingdom of Heaven's Gate Can Wait Until Dark", in which the evil Christians tried to defeat the freedom fighters of the Crusades but were distracted by the ghost of Mohammed who returned to establish jihad in the US west by planting a doll with explosives on Audrey Hepburn, but she outwitted them and became the leader of a commune where everyone had nice jewelry. But it wasn't that interesting.
Ah, I recall them. It was like Dancing with the Stars, forever.
Comradette Tsarevna,
Audrey is quite popular in Japan, but explosives belts are a bit lacking in the vital cute department to attain commercial success here. Maybe that's why I've not seen that film on NHK.
Sucking sound nearby
Is Bill of Rights abort
Better buy guns now
No!no!no! we want
Unrestrained Control of the
Masses; guns taboo
Sicher, Komrade. Ich bemerkte, nur 3 Linie fuer Haiku... wie kann ich zeige, dass ich die Satire schreiben?
Then I gave up.
Do you miss the DDR? I found the smog that surrounded East Berlin was of a heavenly smell. The particles one could easily see in it testified that the Workers were more productive than their lazy capitalist neighbors. Now we can't protect our German comerades from the evil influence of materialism and greed....
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
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SPONSORED BY:
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Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
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click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
