"Thank You Sucker" Motivational Currency Replaces Dollar

UPDATE:

Obama's Economic Motivational Note: $7.50 + FREE SHIPPING! A  flexible magnetic sticker 8x3.5" for your fridge (also looks great on a shovel)! SEE IT IN THE PEOPLE'S STORE >>

Basic economic analysis of the $780 billion stimulus package indicates that the plan to socialize the US economy will likely fail unless the Obama Administration backs it up by replacing the existing legal tender called "the dollar" with a new kind of motivational currency called the "Thank You Sucker" (TYS) notes, which would flood the markets and stimulate the economy without causing inflation.



Above is our original design proposal of the new motivational money that features the portrait of Barack Obama, who once complained that he "didn't look like those guys on the dollar bills." The bill also features one of Obama's most relevant money quotes, "Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows poverty of ambition," as well as a couple of axioms that serve as cornerstones of the progressive fiscal philosophy: "Money is the root of all evil" and "I win, you lose." In place of denomination at the top corners, the bill features the big letters "O," which some may misread as big zeroes, and at the bottom corners, the anagram "TYS" in the shape of the hammer and sickle.

Obama won the election with a rhetoric that skillfully replaced the words "socialist revolution" with the word "change." Now he is skillfully replacing the word "recession" with "catastrophe." The next logical step is to keep the economy running by replacing "dollar" with "thank you."

I am meeting with the Board of Trustees at the PPPX to see if we will honor this currency.  I am certain it will pass, if only because our Dear Chairman's face graces the currency, but the hard-liners insist that we take only rubles.

I ask about this new currency, Comrade Red², is it microstamped with propaganda?  This serves a double purpose--both to discourage counterfeiting (although we know a man is only as good as the beets he harvests) and to give the peasants something to read while in transit to their local collective farm.

As far as the People's Enrichment Program is concerned, what is there not to like about it?

The Government is GIVING us 780 billion dollars!  Why haven't we thought of that before?

Divide that up among 300 million peasants, and it comes to...2600 dollars per peasant!

You can buy a lot of beet seed with that!

Yes, Kamerad. It is microstamped and subliminally watermarked and has all kinds of quotes from Das Kapital coming up when you expose it to heat, cold, and the periodic table of elements specially designed for us by comrade Dmitri Ivanovich Mendeleev. If you look at the table of elements and you know the secret code, you will discover the pattern of names and squares; you can then mix the corresponding chemicals and, after dipping the TYS bill in the mix you can find what the wise men of the thousand-year-old secret Order of the Commissars had planned for us on each particular day of the year in order to bring forth the Progressive World of Next Tuesday. The election of The One was just one of their prophecies.

And if you wave it against the mirror at a certain frequency, you will be able to discern words like "Paul is dead" and other messages of great importance for the world-wide struggle for social and economic justice.

Can you still find the little spider on the back?

How about the "burning towers"?

Oo, oo, does it have Geithner's name on it?

Or the little strip that is GPS friendly (and tin-foil hat proof)?

Will these make good insulation for prole shoes?  After all cheap paper is more equal than thick socks and sturdy boots in the beet fields.  

I found that by putting one of these new notes next to a tuning fork vibrating at a midrange key of "D" while humming the Soviet National Anthem in tune, I could hear it say "Lenin Lives".

Excellent as always, Comrade Red Square!

Now, just like these Germans in 1922, I know what to do with all my oppressive CEUs...


Either that or I'll use them as rolling papers for my People's Doobie, as rolled by The One.


-OV

Yes. I feel the communist revolution coming. Using TYS dollar bills is just one more step toward Equality™ and Justice™. And eliminating the Jews.

A most glorious thanks Comrade Square, you've solved my progressive problem of how to pay my back taxes when that IRS appointment comes though. The People's Printer is hard at work as we group speak.

Perhaps our currency should change to hemp?




The motivational possibilities of this new currency would be enormous.

Comrade Tawiskaro sent us his proposal for the new currency:



The author claims that he personally likes his design better. Of course he should know that every conscientious citizen ought not make reckless decisions with regards to tastes and personal preferences, but humbly delegate the responsibility of making all such choices to the government. Only the State knows what we should personally like better.

For that thoughtcrime alone Comrade Tawiskaro should be disqualified from the friendly socialist non-competition.

Speaking of which, my other entry is from an earlier post:

The signature on the $9 is my favorite.  Though it may be a forgery...

Red Square!

I previously invested heavily in the Pelosi 9 dollar bills. What is the current exchange rate for these new TYS bills??

What kind of capitalist question is that, Comrade Robot? You work according to your ability, the Party thanks you according to your needs with a motivational TYS note. Which part of "Thank you, sucker!" don't you understand? Or should we, perhaps, print a quantity of personalized bills just for you, that would say "Thank you, Comrade Robot"?

That is actually included in phase two of the economic stimulus. I'm talking, of course, about print-it-yourself money kits, which workers can download and take to Kinko's for printing. That should save the government plenty of effort and at the same time stimulate the economy.

Phase three will include money laundering operations that should be a real boost for the laundering business - but that has, as Biden just said, a 30% chance of failure.

I remember seeing ads in old comic books.  We can make the money using one of these!

Wait a minute...this can't be right.  His Obamaness spoke on the collective networks tonight and told us that we need to spend money to get the economy going again (well, that and fund ACORN and build unicorn farms, and frisbee golf courses).  But if the treasury prints the glorious face of the beloved Leader on currency, aren't people much more likely to keep all the bills that come into their possession?  I certainly can't wait to get my hands on a few crisp new O's so I can stuff them in my shorts and feel the power of the fierce urgency of pork.  (I think I just had a very private spontaneous economic recovery.)

I supposed Marx dollar bills more. However, you said the state should make the decision. Unless I'm missing something, shouldn't The People™ make the decision collectively? The state should only be ran by someone who's a part of The People™. Stalin was a part of The People™. Bush was not.

Proletarian Robot,

We are not in Kansas anymore!



Sometime this week we should be able to shed our capitalistic garments and exchange them for the one size fits all, gray monkey suits that are all the rage when civilizations enter this phase.

The ONE spoke directly to us last evening and treated us to the most glorious example of doublespeak since we lost our beloved comrade Joseph.  Which form of money we use is immaterial as long as we forever pledge our unyielding allegiance to Comrade Obama who tells us to forget the past and keep our eyes on the future, to work together as one for the collective, and to never forget “the failed theories of the last eight years that got us into this fix in first place”.  Our leader who tells us to “reject the politics of cynicism and fear” before telling us “we have inherited most profound economic emergency since the Great Depression.”  Karl would be so proud!

Alas Comrade Red Square, I must denounce you for encouraging the people to travel to the EVIL capitalist Kinko's who's combination with Fed-Ex and non-union efficiency has made mockery of the peoples United Socialist Postal Service.
This comes dangerously close to a thought crime, but due to your past work for the good of the party I will look past this transgression as a simple mis-statement.  
I would hate to call the authorities to investigate further.

Don't you just love it when a newbie threatens to denounce Red Square?  The anticipation is simply delicious.  Will he respond in person?  Will he cry havoc and let slip the Dogs of War? (Mr. Laika, Mr. Pupovich, five minutes, please.)  Will he go post-apocalyptic and unleash Pinkie?  (And now I have this vision of Pinkie in chaps and loincloth and crouched on the hood of the Humongusmobile, straining at the chain held in Red Square's hand as it screams down the White-line nightmare that will soon be the capitalist economy.  Oh!  It may not have been the economy, but something just got stimulated again!)

No, Comrade Betinov, you just put too much Rockstar in your jar this morning, agitated further by the lust for a ShowTrial!

I propose a line of The People's Militia (R) prodding Pelosinski towards the Gulag with People's Rifles™ while Pinkie uses her Glorious Shovel to whack the offending prole upside the head.  

What's next?  A denouncement of Stalin?  Of Obama?

Chaps--those things that cowboys wear on their legs?  And a loincloth?  Whatever you think is stimulated, it isn't your brain.  

How about this?

I was thinking more along the lines of "Wez" in "The Road Warrior."

You mean THIS?



And then you wonder why I don't have a crush on you, and you even DENOUNCE me for it?

Is this your idea of a fantasy fem, Betinov?  What exactly is your brain soaking in, anyway?

lmao I like how that quote on the right side side of the bill makes conservatives so insecure and aware of their own shallowness. I mean what a fundamentally agreeable statement, and yet you still take offense by it.

This site is gorgeous. You definitely want to have more subpar photoshops than text - what better way is there to adhere to both design and fascist principles?

Mr. Lambchowder, if I may have a moment of your time.  Fascism is a system of government in which a single party runs the state, often silencing (if not outright eliminating) all other political parties and political expression by private individuals.  In a Fascist economy, businesses are owned by individuals or investors, but are run by the state, which mandates how much they will produce of what products, what products they can and cannot produce, and what they will pay their workers and themselves.  

Please compare the economic ideology of Fascism with the provisions of the pending stimulus proposal concerning "Green Mandates" for auto manufacturers and power generation (what a company can and cannot produce), CEO salary and bonus caps (how much a privately-owned company will pay its employees), and the Daschle-inspired health provisions (how much will be produced).  Having done so, please explain to me again who the Fascists are.

And if you won't believe me on the definitions of Fascist economic policy, please do take a moment to look at the Corporatist state pioneered by Fascist Italy during the 1920s.

lambchowder - thanks for bringing up Obama's quote, "Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows poverty of ambition." It is indicative of your "progressive" orientation.

First of all, apart from literary and cartoon characters (Scrooge, Mr. Burns, etc.), do you really know anyone whose life is focused solely on making a buck? Someone without friends, family, attachments, appreciation of arts, or a sense of belonging? Have you seen even the lowest thug who wasn't driven in his criminal behavior by perceived notions of honor, justice, and fairness? If you haven't seen such people, it would still be useful for the progressive cause to pretend they exist. It makes the task of demonizing conservatives so much easier.

A conservative may also point out that this Obama's quote is just as shallow, presumptuous, arrogant, and elitist as saying "Focusing on eating bread shows lack of appreciation for cake."

Suppose I start explaining to you that "cake" here refers to a phrase attributed to Louis XVI's Queen consort Marie-Antoinette, who supposedly said "let them eat cake" when she was told that the French populace had no bread to eat. You would probably be insulted by my presumption that you never heard of this historical anecdote. If you do feel insulted, you may then understand how a conservative - or anyone else outside of the "progressive" movement feels about this Obama's quote, and all of his other quotes - from "lack of government support causes Americans to become bitter and cling to guns or religion" to "spreading the wealth around," as well as the notion that wealth and opportunity can trickle from the bottom up.

What this really shows to conservatives, is poverty of knowledge and understanding of historic and economic realities. They feel insulted when someone as ignorant presumes to tell them how they should live their lives.

Therefore, if your goal is to insult conservatives, you must continue to hammer them with absurd, ignorant statements. You can borrow them from Obama's Blue Book, or you can use them as a model to make up your own. For example,

"Focusing your life solely on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness shows lack of appreciation for the role of government."

"Americans still believe in an America where anything's possible - like water running uphill, or that you can eat your waffle and have it at the same time."

Let me finish with this quote:

"The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology." ~ Ayn Rand

Newbie to the site but not the cause.  Unless I missed the state appropriation of one Fed-ex/Kinko's.  In which case I stand corrected and will prepare to serve my time in the gulag.  I was only expressing concern over the possible suggestion of support for a capitalist regime.I will turn myself in as soon as I get through this bread line.

Betinov -

I denounce you for focusing your life solely on making a buck!

It is excellent to see that the useful idiots are still loyal to the revolution!

Ah yes, Betinov, I too want a pork sandwich.

lambchowder, His O'liness is your Judas goat.

By the way, the reasons that Texans don't like sheep is that they shit where they drink.

I hear stuffing your shorts with crisp new O's can make a tingle run up your leg.

Has THE ONE sanctioned tingling?  I know Comrade Matthews professed such a feeling before the ascension but can we party faithful now tingle at will without His permission?

It is my understanding that the proliferation of O's in ones pocket give the understanding of such permission.  To tingle without said currency shall be punishable by the State.

Comrade Red Square,

I do offer apologies if my earlier satire was not delivered effectively

No offense to you or the collective was intended.

Lambchowder would be most excellent addition to my Sheeple flock.

We've moved away from the gold standard and headed at light speed to the treasures that few of us except perhaps Red Square has enjoyed.

The Economic Motivational Note (EMN) needs to be backed by something of value.
Then it hit me ... as an up and coming party animal .....

India to launch cow piss as soft drink

What is missing is a unit of value, so precious in it's heavenly form that nations would drool for the opportunity to buy the American dollar once again!

Messiah Piss!
The Golden Elixir
A golden shower from on high!

Messiah Pee!
Otherwise known as SHAMWOW!

Cures all your woes.
Sold in capsules, vile, lockets, bracelets.
Guaranteed to be habit forming.

Wear it around your neck or on your wrist or use it as smelling salts.
Show the world how Obama saves!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp2PbOPX_8k&NR= ...


Substitute it for gold or cash or personal freedoms.
Only 19.95 ...If you call now!
"We can't do this all day!"

"Are you with me camera guy"?

Thank you my friend for re-educating me in the wisdom of the O!

Not if I can convince her to be part of the Bolshevik Beotch Bodyguard Brigade first, Comrade...

...but first, Pinkie must test her prowess with a shovel.

That is going to hurt!

Navigator, I see that you too are invigorated by Vince, he of Shamwow fame. Have you noticed that the main woman wears platform shoes and has black toenails? I take it that you get gangrene in your feet if you use SHAMWOW.

Also he has Slapchop. I am amazed that he can see to use it, since one eye is so squinted that he doesn't have depth perception.

But there is one thing about Vince: he makes you miss Billy Mays, the fat bearded man who shrieks, even more than most, about all the things that you cannot do without and which you can find at Wally World for less.

"It gets into matting, into the padding..." ~ William Mays

Pop Culture Icon?

So sad...

In the middle of the night once I saw Billy Mays trying to take the stains out of Paris Hilton. It didn't work. That commercial was never run again, insofar as I know.

You can't be serious?! How? What? Yecch!

By the way, what's a "Slapchop"?

Sasha and I don't watch TV in our efforts to continue our re-education...

You can never be re-educated unless you feed off the pablum exuding from your TV!  I think you may have taken Frank Zappa "Slime" song too literally.

Cone



For those who aint followers, from over night sensation

I'm The Slime (1972?)
I am gross and perverted
I'm obsessed 'n deranged
I have existed for years
But very little has changed
I'm the tool of the Government
And industry too
For I am destined to rule
And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious
But you can't look away
I make you think I'm delicious
With the stuff that I say
I'm the best you can get
Have you guessed me yet?
I'm the slime oozin' out
From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you
And eat the garbage that I feed you
Until the day that we don't need you
Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you
Your mind is totally controlled
It has been stuffed into my mold
And you will do as you are told
Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .
Don't touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video
Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I am the slime from your video
Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video
Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

Otdel, I think that is a mistake. It is well known that primitives used a form of mind control that was very successful. For example, the Australian aborigines would take young boys and put them in a cave and subject them to a very low and monotonous beating of a drum and a chanting of their local lore--fables of gods and things which were really the landmarks that they needed to survive. Where to go for water as they migrated.

After a few days of this they knowledge would be sealed in by slicing a large cut into their penises, which through a psychological trick sealed in the knowledge which was needed for survival.

If you and Sasha watch enough television it will put you into that mind-numbed state where you will absorb like a sponge all the writings of Marx or L. Ron Hubbard or Noam Chomsky. And to seal in the knowledge, it's TV to the rescue again--the Slapchop commercial.

Slapchop is a Vegematic. You put a vegetable under it and whack it and it makes chopped vegetables, demonstrated with Vince's trademarked squint.

Yes, but is it not better to remove all temptation and simply believe in Hope, Change, and Unicorns? I would be subjecting myself to the likes of Hannity (sarc), Cavuto (not-so-sarc), and the most insidious terror of the left:

Charles Krauthammer (serious)!

No, no, I will keep my weak mind shuttered up where it belongs, in a brilliantly conceived social dissertation by the likes of, say, Dan Brown?

(Oh and thanks for the tip on the Slapchop. The horror...)

Oh, and Sasha is a Gulag Dancing Bear. His mind has very few moving parts, and the ones that do are impervious to all that exists in the known Obamaverse.

Very steady in his beliefs that one...

Otdel, do not diss the Slapchop. It is very useful when you need it. Whenever Our Many Titted Empress is here at the Rancho de Rio Grande, she demands, of course, her Virgins' Bloody Mary--the blood of rich white Republican teenaged virgins with Grey Goose. After a few quarts of that she's really on a roll. But she likes terrormisu. That's ladyfingers--real ladyfingers. But to get them I find the best thing to use is the Slapchop.

Once after Our MTE had had over a gallon of Virgins' Bloody Mary Cocktails, she got cross-eyed drunk, and rolled over to Bruno, knocked him upside the head, and when he fell to his hands and knees, she rode him like a rented mule around the living room. At the very mention of her name he starts quivering like a cold chihuahua, which is not appealing in a man who is 6'4" and could have been a fullback. Although the vibrato does help with his Judy Garland impersonations.

I accept your rebuke with dignity and humility, Comrade.

All hail the Slapchop!

(Sidenote: Elizabeth "The Bloody Countess" Bathory STILL holds the unofficial record for the most personally performed murders. What a gal!)

Otdel, the Bloody Countess holds the official record. But then they found the bodies. With Our Many Titted Empress, and the Rio Grande hard by...

Also there's a reason I have such a huge barbecue pit.

Nice...

As a former Professional Gastronomical Novelty Engineer (cook) I know all to well that we are a very tasty critter indeed.

We once laughed ourselves to tears eating a dwarve's "short-ribs" on our old commune in Covington.

He understood the meaning of sacrifice; after we rigged the lot-drawing...

Che Gourmet has been absent lately; I was appointed as cook to Dr. Amin, but found his eye on me to be, er, unnerving. I wondered if I was going to put things in the pot or was going to be put in the pot myself.

How did you sauce said short ribs? For I have, as you know, many stakes for Impaling for the Common Good, and after a while you do get tired of that old prole roasted on just an ordinary stake.

Garlic
Kosher Salt (made from real Koshers!)
Jack Daniels
Tomatoes (chopped)
Tomato paste
Cayenne
Worteshire Sauce
Lemon Juice (real, not fake)

Mix well in blender, simmer on stove until proper consistency, pour on screaming dissident.

(I don't remember the ratios, and I'm even more sure that I've left out some things, but it has been a LONG time since I was in a kitchen professionally...)

Enjoy!

Citizen's

     "Lambchowder?"  Isn't that the puppet who had Sheri Lewis's  hand stuck up his ass for like years?  That's got to distract you from reasoned thought, dont you think?


                                                                     Publius

"Lambchop" was the puppet of the Sheri Lewis Shadow Government. Mewling annoyance in every fashion.

And cute.

But Comrade Red!  My buck making experimental facility has received funding through the stimulus package!  We are nearing a breakthrough in making a buck--we're having trouble keeping the antlers even during the molecular defragulation stage--but soon synthetic bucks will be pouring off the assembly lines.  And after we make a few bucks, we can look into making a little doe to go with them.

Larry: Oh see the pretty deer.  Has the deer any doe?

Curly: Yeah!  Two bucks! nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!

Thank you, Otdel. I thought about how well that would go with the smoke flavor emitting from the woodpiles. Here in Texas I tend to impale and roast my proles over mesquite--have you ever had mesquite barbecue? Just stunning. Very nice flavor. I prefer it to applewood.

But I, in a break with Progressive solidarity, declaim and proudly that I have dedicated my life to making a buck. This is so that I'm not living rough on the banks of the Rio Grande after the visits of Meow and Our Many Titted Empress. And hungry too--whenever Nansky comes to visit all the vermin flees in terror.

Behold His wonders!


Vince is one of us. I know he is one of us! He must be one of us!

I bow to your seniority (and impressive headgear) and let you have first dibs.

Much I have learned, since becoming a comrade.  Like shovel most excellent dual purpose implement.  For tenderizing lamb meathead products & dissidents alike.

And the shovel is the most equal of all tools. Excepting of course the asshole. Just look what has been done by creative assholes: Al Frankenstein, Michael Moore, and the person who takes your parking place.

As you all know the asshole is always in charge.

Surely you've heard that joke?

One day the organs of a body were arguing as to who was in charge.

The brain proclaimed, "I am the nervous center of the body, without me none of you would operate!"

The heart spoke up next, " No, I am the leader. Without my constant labor you would all die!"

The lungs protested, "Ha! Without our efforts, you would asphyxiate and perish."

The stomach announced, "If I stopped working, you would all experience the slowest death imaginable."

Then from the nether regions, beneath the bowels came a small and quiet voice, "I'm the asshole. If I stopped working, everyone would suffer a most hideous fate."

After a moment of stunned silence, this exclamation was met with the most derisive laughter and incredulity.

"Fine," said the asshole, "We'll see..."

After a week, the stomach was in agony, the lungs had to take smaller breathes due to the pain, the heart had to work overtime, and the brain was understandably overcome by the whining of all the other organs.

Eventually the brain, in its wisdom, cried out, "Enough asshole, you win! You're point is made!"

Moral of the story?

The one in charge is always the asshole...

Cue drum roll...

Citizen Otdel,

     Intellectuall constipation is a sure sign that you need more fiber in your diet!



                                                                         Publus

Speaking of a$$holes and brains . . .

Garofalo must have seen it on the People's Cube:

Republicanism Caused By Brain Disorder, Mutation




UPDATE!
A composite sketch of a socialist liberal Democrat brain has been completed.It took twice as much time to map it because the brain of aprogressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed tothe rigid and bigoted Republican brain.

I believe that the Progressive Brain schema is out of date. The moral relativity area and the PC lobe and the smart-than-thou tumor have taken over 95% of the rest of it.

And yes, Meow, Vince is one of us. Don't you just love his hunching forward and that squint?

DDR Kamerad,

If there was ever a righteous reason for a Show Trial, then Madame Speaker's denouncement of our glorious red-to-the-core Leader is it!  Comrade Betinov is correct.  (and I want the bitch to fry; Pelosi, I mean, not our poor uninformed comrade.yet..too new...rrrrrrrrr!)
Should we wait until Peloski gets back from seeing the Pope?  I hear she is receiving an award, but I have no clue for what??????  (How can she sleep at night, being a pious Catholic,but advocating abortion, at every opportunity, and how can that former Nazi brownshirt Pope even give her an audience....oh the hypocrisy!)

Commissar Theocritis,

As usual, you didn't read my memo, or you would have surmised that I was on sabbatical; vacationing (plotting with Fidel....yes he's still kicking,..and Raul) hence my absence from the front lines.(anyone seen Pup sniffing around here?)  Nice to know that you missed me....hahaha...

So, why did I not receive any richly deserved kudos for my contributions to your Purge...err.. Inauguration Party? It went so very well, Commissar, and you have been remiss by not informing the collective of the merrymaking that took place at the Rancho!  I can vouch for the food....it was magnificent!
  And where the hell was Media to report on the event?  Must we censor him for being negligent in this oversight?  Is he exclusively sniffing up only the ONE's leg now?

  Please, Commissar, always my favorite muse, regal us with the Purge...err..Party details.  We are all breathless with anticipation! And of course, we all want to know who may have escaped the Inner Circle's wrath, for now! lol

And Billy Mays is definitely one of us (Pittsburghers, that is).
His aunt is a notary in McKees Rocks and has done auto title work for me when I've bought new cars.

Inspired by this new Motivational Currency, I give you the DDR's answer:

I like the date on the 100 mark note - 1975. It matches the hat.

I like how the serial starts with BB- same as my Bundesrepublik license plate.

And My oh My is that one pimpin' collectivist on the right of that note!!

-OV

That's the host of the new "Pimp My Communism" show on MSNBC. It is said to be wildly popular with Obama voters.

Che, I do apologize for missing your memo; the Cube is a large labyrinth and as you will learn there has been some aftermath from the party.

I invited the usual suspects, of course--and so many of them came. There were Our Many Titted Empress, of course, eager for more white virgin Republican blood, for we are close to Midland, after all. Comradette Nansky was here; Dingy Harry Reid; and Bonnie Fwank. And I think that Meow must have the Rancho bugged for he was here too.

Our MTE came in with her tiny eyes red with rage. "If there were a Marx in heaven, I'd be in in the Oval Office now instead of that ACORN salesman," she raged, and for good measure gored half my walls with her tusks and shredded my finest Persian carpets with her hooves.

Harry Reid on the other hand had a different effect. As soon as he walked in, all the light switches quit working unless you promised them a property deal.

Bonnie Fwank came in, and started talking. Bruno looked at him, and shrieked, "That's the silly queen who can't move his upper lip! Hey, Charlie McCarthey, where's Edgar Bergen? Or is it someone else who has his hand up your ass?" At that Bonnie bwoke down and cwied and spent the rest of the time in a fetal position, which made him look very like a large whale turd.

But the problem came with Nanskky. Meow had found that saying "socialism" made her suck her teeth and pee on the carpet, so he said, "Socialism!" as often as possible. He also found out that saying, "Republican," made her blow air through her teeth, and pee on the carpet. So he said, "Republican" as much as possible.

By the time that Our MTE had shredded the carpet with her hooves, Nansky had peed over what was left, and on the whale turd of Bonnie Fwank, and Meow was stuffing his oversized pants with the remainder of my Lalique, I was ready to nail the doors shut, with them on the inside, and burn it all.

It was not a good party.

[off] As usual, you've got me rolling, T...  I'm picturing Bruno as being something a little like this:

Or, you could envision him as something like this...

Vodkavich, you're right that Bruno does look a little bit like Mr. Slave and DDR, performing is in his blood. However, Bruno is made more like



He would love nothing more than to perform like Judy or Liza or Bette, but performs more like



But every time Bruno is involved it turns into a farce like this other scene out of The Ritz:






If you've not seen it, The Ritz is one of the funniest, perhaps is the funniest, movie ever made. Notice that the ugly fellow, Chris, is F. Murray Abraham, who will turn up as Salieri in Amadeus. And Treat Williams talking in falsetto. And Jack Weston. As I was watching Rita Moreno's number for the first time, I thought that the only thing that could possibly make this worse was for the band to break into "Lady of Spain." And as you'll notice, that's just what they did.

Bruno is based on a real-life character with the IQ of a deliquescing eggplant but who looked better than Rutger Hauer. I thought I'd have to take psychoactive drugs from the effort it took that monster of vanity to finish a hair-burning school--I had to do simple multiplication for him and a few years before I was studying vector calculus and doing compiler optimizations.

But the funny part is that he voted for Reagan. This was in Midland where only trash are Democrats.

UPDATE:

Obama's Economic Motivational Note: $7.50 + FREE SHIPPING! A  flexible magnetic sticker 8x3.5" for your fridge (also looks great on a shovel)! SEE IT IN THE PEOPLE'S STORE >>

Do not forget that Comrad Squint er Vince can throw the 'other brand' over his shoulder without looking and have it land in the sink. Truly a versatile individual. One worthy of emulation and admiration. (Psst please note that comrade Vince is always hooked up to the mother ship via his comunication device which I understand he wears even to bed)
As I understand it there are sunglasses out there that woud allow you to see Comrad Vince in a different light. (See Rowdy Roddie for further on this)
Perhaps Comrad Vince is aware that with the newly printed and minted Obamessiah Money (Not found on store shelves everywhere but only availble through TV)
We can slap chop and shamwow to our hearts content.
It is good to see the collective content. It means the drugs are working.
I also saw one of the thought police (Secret Agent Lambchowder) is on the case surveilling the Cube for important information to take back to the 'One'. Toe the line Comrades Toe the line. While your doing that please say your ABC's backwards starting with G. oops sorry carried away there. Nevermind.

Comrades,
Can we please focus on the topic at hand? The Messiah has been sent forth to bring our most fruitful dreams to fruition! Alas, Elvis and Tupac will return to serve by His Excellency's side, and we may watch as our children, and our children's children walk hand-in-hand with seals and polar bears! No longer will we suffer a day that tires our brains and bodies! No longer will those ruffians from Pennsylvania threaten us with their guns and religion! Utopia, friends! Utopia!

Fraulein, I refer you to Red Star. He is the Commissar in charge of rainbow-farting unicorns and he will see to these happy prospects.

Let us never forget  that the lion will lie down with the lamb. And make chowder of it.

Oh, thank PETA! And you too, Red Star!

But might I say, as a woman I am shocked and disturbed that I am not equally represented on the new motivational TYS notes. Am I not collecting the same welfare check as my male peers???!?! Because I am a woman, do I need no motivation to crush the capitalist oppressors who urge me to sacrifice myself to the corporate machine?!?!? I propose in addition to the hammer and sickle that Comrade Red add a symbol of my feminine power to the Thank You Sucker; perhaps an Oscillating Pleasure Seeker!!

In the name of The Messiah, Czarina Clinton, and MADD, I shall cut off my hair and throw out my razors!

I DENOUNCE FRAULEIN ALYSSA FOR INCORRECT ADHERENCE TO DOUBLESPEAK!

Not to force labels on you or anything, but in an effort to raise you to a more equal glory not so tainted by DWEMs, the oppressive "woman" has been replaced by "womyn".  Furthermore, Our Many Titted Empress is easily agitated and I don't believe the Rancho del Rio Grande can withstand another one of her rampages.  You see, Comrade Nanners and Our MTE are hanging out there with Comrade Commissar Theocritus and I'm not sure how she would respond to the title of Czarina.

Conversely, I congratulate from dispensing with your shackles that came in the form of razors!  No longer must proles be bound to hygiene in an effort to gain headway in the workplace with WAGs.  I also congratulate you for making this place less of a sausage fest.  I bet Comrade Commissarka Pinkie will say hi... *diabolical laughter*.  Just keep your unwashed masses away from The Brain in the Jar.

AND DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR SHOVEL!!

-Obamissar Vodkavich
Obamissar of Gulags and Car Wash Products

Fraulein, were we to put an oscillating pleasure seeker on the TYS bill, we would have to pay a royalty to Dick Morris.

Vodkavich, you don't know the half of it with Nanners and Our Many Titted Empress here. When they arrived two days ago the Rancho was in perfect order. Now there is not a single square foot of the lawn which isn't covered by either a beer can, a can of 3-in-1 oil for lubricating the Hildo Hydra, or empty wallets.

Nanners has been going in for sport shoplifting. There isn't a single pocket unpicked along the Rio Grande. She's incredibly good at it--after all, who would suspect her? she looks like five plumbers' friends joined at the suckers, with a fright wig on top. But boy can woman filch a wallet.

The last time she was here, she and Meow had a pocket-picking contest. And SHE WON. I have seen Meow steal the tattoo off a man's chest. Admittedly he was passed out, but he did not wake up. But Nanners can walk down the street, her eyes rolling, and people sitting on the top floor of a skyscraper suddenly have no money for lunch.

Our Many Titted Empress was also having some fun at Bruno's expense. Every time he'd venture out of the house, she'd snort, and dig her hooves, all four of them, into the yard. Talk about divots. She'd lunge toward him like a razorback hog, and chase him into the pool. Then she and Nanners would laugh until they peed.

That was when the vultures shrieked and left.

Now Bruno won't come out of the closet, if you can imagine, and I can no longer fool myself into thinking that I can send him on an errand and have moved by the time he gets back.

Comrade Commissar,

My deepest regrets for the destruction of the Rancho. If only my proles knew more than wax on/wax of... I can indeed imagine that Bruno won't come out of the closet. I suspect that if you suggest to him that Nanners wants to FELCH his wallet instead of the FILCHING, he might be more interested. Perhaps I'll redirect Gleis 54 toward the Rancho to assist in Hildo maintenance and yard repair.

-OV

Theo, why not stop in at the Stalin Storehouse for a case of GENUINE OBAMA BRAND SNAKE OIL?  It will both lube the Hydra and empty the wallet in one easy step.

Who renamed my Hildo "The Stimulus Bill"?
This has nothing to do with Bill. This was supposed to be my moment,
He had his cigars, I was to get my $787B Hildo and now it's named after him?
All the years, all the work....the design, the engineering, and the shoddy production at the Rancho.....now it's up and working and it's called "The Stimulus Bill"?
The specs orginally called for diesel lubrication and it's been changed to BOSO.
How long before we run out of snakes?
Can somebody answer that?
This is going to get us into a war for snake oil!
No illegal war for BOSO. No Blood for Big Snake Oil!

Vodkavich, I told Bruno that Nanners would indeed felch him and he did show some interest. But then an idea entered his head, which happens every other full moon, and he squealed, "Those teeth Theocritus, those teeth!"

"I know, Bruno, but you know how much time she spends sucking them. Practice, you know."

I left him perplexed. Like when he is trying to read the instructions on pouring a Coke.

Ivan, why did you conjure up Our Many Titted Empress? She's very protective of the Hildo Hydra 7.3; when she gets drunk on Virgins' Bloody Marys she has been known to sleep with it. Once Bruno woke up and screamed, "Theocritus! It's an earthquake! Run!"

I turned on the light and the bedside table was shaking. I gulped and threw on some clothes and started out of the house.

As I passed the door of the wet room--the one with the 3-degree slant toward the center with the drain, and all plastic furniture on concrete for easy disinfecting, I noticed that the door on it was vibrating like a tympanum. I gingerly touched it; it was hot. I opened it with the tail of my shirt and peered inside.

It was Our Many Titted Empress, who had plugged the Hildo into the three-phase socket remaining after I removed the HVAC unit. Sparks were flashing and there was the smell of burnt flesh. But Our Empress had a smile on her face, a smile as big as the one she had when she said, "Theocritus, when I get Socialized Medicine I'll have people licking my trotters for an aspirin."

Frankly I don't know if diesel or BOSO are enough. Glycerine suspended in axle grease.

I meant well, and that's the important thing.  What happens as a result of my actions bears no consequence.  Seems to me it's somebody else's problem now.

You'd better stake out some territory other than while heterosexual male for if you are one of those things, and I repress a shudder, it's your fault.

Comrade Commissar Theo-  Now I have something peaceful to think about when I'm trying to fall asleep, not unlike the people who have recently described falling asleep with visions of THE Obamas falling asleep in the Black House.

-OV

Obamissar, did you mean this?



You see, the government has certain--ahem--needs, and you simply must endure it because it's your duty.  The best way is to simply lie back bend over, close your eyes, and think of the Obamas.

     
And how about some purple prose to go along with those purple lips?

Quote

“I dreamed I was an Obama girl. I had a chance to be in the same room with him for the first time. There were dark velvet chairs and he was standing there with all this dark and mist around him. His lips so purple and sensuous as if to be otherworldly,” she wrote to me.

I just projectile vomited all over my Mac.

Eeeewww....