Authorities are searching for a healthcare reform supporter who they said bit off the fingertip of a 65-year-old man during a fight at a MoveOn.org rally in Thousand Oaks.
The incident occurred about 7 p.m. Wednesday at a "We Can't Afford to Wait" vigil organized by affiliates of the activist group MoveOn.org, which drew supporters of President Obama's healthcare plan...
OBAMACARE, it’s finger-licking good!
I can't choose which one I like best. Will it work on the posters / T-shirts?
AHHHAAAAHHHAAAAAA!!!!! Three Cheers for Comrade Red Square! A most heroic effort for our valiant and noble cause. A powerful blow in the war against our oppressors!
Yummmmm! "We Can't Afford To Wait To Bite Off Your Finger!" - MoveOntoJaws.org
IMHO... These are excellent People's Rally Posters, although it may be hard to print them with the black back. The top two would make excellent bumper stickers. The last one a good People's Doctor Office or Medical Student Poster.
This is most progressive news, Che would be proud.
============================================
EDIT: In the progressive speed of my post the above most equal postermagically appeared. You are magician Comrade Red Square, there is no other explanation available!
In the meantime, the Cube fan page on Face book is also growing and has comments about this:
Howard Roark wrote
Obamacare - Yes We Can Bite the Hand that Feeds Us!
Chris Lewin wrote
Ah, yes comrades. This imperialist was manfiestly guilty of the crime of capitalist health-sabotage against the people, by hoarding body parts not being used to contribute to the well-being of the collective.
A noble worker has stepped in rescued said body-part from it's ignobtle existence, and re-requisitioned it for it''s rightful owners, the party.
The Glorious Leader has praised this hero of the proletariat, and in celebration, will announce further sanctions upon Honduras, and will put his own body parts in service to the collective by showing the soles of his feet once again to the Zionists.
The local councils have directed loyal patriots to denounce rogue body-parts at once!
Indeed! As we noted previously, the Party stands for the nationalization and equal redistribution of all body parts, to each comrade according to his service to the Party!
Red Square, if you keep this up, you'll have more Beet of the Week awards than Maksim. I only found out last week that he's been in charge of the nomination forms all this time. Now I'm wondering if you have them.
But since I'm in an unusually good mood, what the hell . . .
However, due to the astounding, smashing success of the Beet of the Week Awards Program, our server has been knocked out by the heavy demand, and only 2 percent of all mothers have thus far managed to receive their bumper stickers, "My Child is Beet of the Week at The People's Cube.com." As soon as we get more stimulus money to upgrade the server and make more bumper stickers, your mother can submit her paperwork to receive her free bumper sticker--but she only has until noon tomorrow.
Ah, damn it, Red, I love this and I'm all out of beets. Well, maybe I do have a few left, but if I keep handing them out, that would just cheapen the prestige of the award, wouldn't it?
You should place this quite prominently on the Mother Page, if only to offset those huge ads that are suddenly showing up and throwing me off.
Me thinks Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko is on another one of his chemically induced benders. It looks like I will have to travel to California to track down he Chairman and lock him up in the Politburo's "Bunker" until he sobers up.
I created larger images for some of the files so they can be printed on posters and placed the links next to the images. Just in case here they are as well:
i spent some quality alone time with my new shovel as suggested by redsquaresan, and although it does not have the balance and energy of a katana, it did allow me come to the conclusion that i feel a little disappointed with the "biting" incident. it seems very crude, without ceremony and a good bit unsanitary. i agree with the intentions, all dissent should be met with blood shed, but i'd like to suggest in further confrontations with the poor peasant retards in opposition to the peoples party™ that we implement a ritual finger removal ceremony and use wakazashi to make clean segment of digits to keep dignity to all party™ participants. douzo, thankyou, hai, you think about it now.
This little pinky went to market,
This little pinky went to Obama Care,
This little pinky went to Cap and Trade,
And this little pink went wee, wee, wee,
All the way home.
This little pinky went to market,
This little pinky went to Obama Care,
This little pinky went to Cap and Trade,
And this little pink went wee, wee, wee,
All the way home.
That's what his O'liness meant by getting all wee'd wee'd up!
Little known fact: Pinkie is not the Commissarka’s given name but a nickname she earned after a similar incident at an Impeach Bush rally. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the unknown hero in black turns out to be our very own Pinkie.
As soon as we get more stimulus money to upgrade the server and make more bumper stickers, your mother can submit her paperwork to receive her free bumper sticker--but she only has until noon tomorrow.
Commissarka, when I heard you were out of bumper stickers I went to peel several off my mothers car just to hold you over, only to discovery she used it in the cash for clunkers program. This left me no choice but to make a forgery.
Recall comrades when Obamunism almost bit off these fingers? And then suddently as if magically, these fingers mattered again? The lesson is: truth is subjective or dependant on current party approved rhetoric, meaning it is contingent on the greater good, of the party of course. It has no bering on the thing the vicious right calls reality or those *%^_ weather forcasts. Gorky, I hate those!
This little pinky went to market,
This little pinky went to Obama Care,
This little pinky went to Cap and Trade,
And this little pinky went wee, wee, wee,
All the way home.
That's what his O'liness meant by getting all wee'd wee'd up!
Maksim, I like this. If someone with the appropriate superpowers could add it to the clip art, we might finally have bumper stickers to hand out to the mothers along with the Beet of the Week to the Beet of the Week.
And I think you're right about my name. Imagine the possibilities if I'd bitten off other parts.
The pictures that you see are actually temp files in your local internet cache - because you have accessed them already. Others can't see them if the hosting site's bandwidth is exceeded.
Authorities are searching for a healthcare reform supporter who they said bit off the fingertip of a 65-year-old man during a fight at a MoveOn.org rally in Thousand Oaks.
The incident occurred about 7 p.m. Wednesday at a "We Can't Afford to Wait" vigil organized by affiliates of the activist group MoveOn.org, which drew supporters of President Obama's healthcare plan...
OBAMACARE, it’s finger-licking good!
Hahaha... I love the posters Red Square.
Hi fellow comrades, My name is Shrimpster and I just joined today.
Shrimpster!!!! Welcome to the Cube (aka The Party™). Join the fun and the camaraderie and have a lot of fun.
Say? Would you be up for a denunciation? We haven't had any denouncing wars in a while. I'll start one off.
I hereby denounce Commissarka Pinkie for that odd tasting pate'. What in the hell was in that, Pinkie?
--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor, The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremons)
As a creature of the seas, you fall under the command of Commodore Snoogie Woogams who will be in charge of your orientation.
If I were you I would stay away from the feline faction of the People's Cube collective, especially General Mousey Tongue, who is our Comissar of Seafood Tasting.
I denounce you, Comrade General Secretary Red Square, for warning Shrimpster about General Mousey Tongue and the Red Feline Brigade. Let him/her/it learn the hard way like the rest of us did!!!
I denounce you, Comrade General Secretary Red Square, for warning Shrimpster about General Mousey Tongue and the Red Feline Brigade. Let him/her/it learn the hard way like the rest of us did!!!
--
ZB
Shrimpster is a female!!!! and I do realize that felines love seafood. I wasn't born yesterday.
Hi fellow comrades, My name is Shrimpster and I just joined today.
Hi, Shrimpster! A friendly advice to a newcomer — when replying to somebody else's post, please, aggressively remove the parts of the message, which aren't relevant to your reply. What you did is called "overquoting" and it is particularly offensive, when it includes large images — they overload the page for all comrades without adding anything to the discussion...
Oh, and if you insist on typing LOL, please at least modify it to LOLprog. This is the korrekt way of characterizing occasional humorous outbursts, although the Party generally frowns on humor, unless it is directed at personal destruction of enemies of progress. For example, Comrade Al Franken calling Rush Limbaugh a Big Fat Idiot. LOLprog! Or Comrade Letterman suggesting a public statutory rape of Sarah Palin's daughter in a humorous context. LOLprog!
But in general, Cube members are all very serious people, animals, and household appliances. Some are ranking Party members, some are union members, and some - like Ivan "Brain in Jar" Betinov - are disjointed body parts. Please make note of it.
Your very 1st lesson at your nearest Karl Marx Treatment Center™ will be "Shovel Sharpening 101". It's a wonderful class!!! Study well, and you may be allowed to graduate early. Perhaps you may even get an invite to "The Bunker".
Now on to other business...
I hereby denounce Comrade Mi for chastising Comrade Shrimpster, a new member, for "over quoting". We are The Party™ and we can do as we damn well please! Even new members! For we are all "more equal" than others!!! Comrade Mi is to report to the Jane Fonda Center for Advanced Marxist Studies in San Bernardino, CA for a little "Mi Time". Get it.... "Mi Time"? BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Sometimes I just kill myself!!!!
--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor, The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremons)
Please be advised that when I earlier stated that all Cube members are very serious people and animals, I wasn't referring to Comrade Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev.
Please be advised that Comrade General Secretary Red Square is korrect!
I hereby rescind my denunciation of you, our glorious General Secretary, and I humbly submit myself to you for penitence. Please be merciful! Just don't make me have to talk to Comrade Senator Jim "Frogface" Webb (S-VA) or go find Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko again.
Comrade Mi, do I know you from one of the Yahoogroups of which I'm a member? One of those "list nazis" who's always "on digest" and complains because others aren't clipping and snipping their quotes and she has to scroll and scroll and scroll and the poor thing can't follow the conversation? Who insists that everybody limit their signature blocks to three lines so no one feels less equal than anyone else? Who thinks you should only make posts that fall under one of the designated pre-fabricated subject lines, because being creative by coming up with your own subject line can be very confusing to others who may not know what you're talking about unless they actually click and (gasp!)--read your post? That's right, Lenin forbid anyone should read a post! Which would make you one of those who complains about too many posts: "Please everyone, do there have to be so many posts? Does every single member have to chime in on this subject? Do you know what a big hassle it is having to delete all those messages out of my mailbox, because I have so much e-mail that gets all backed up, and I just don't have time to go through them all because unlike all of you pathetic little people, I have a life and I shouldn't have to figure out how to put my Yahoo settings on 'no mail', I think the list moderator should do that for me."
I just want to whack those people with my shovel. Like what do they think the forum is for in the first place? Okay, here it is, now don't anyone post, because it creates a lot of extra work for those who don't have time to read the posts but insist on being members anyway.
Is that you, mi? Can you look at my avatar and see what I'm holding and dare reply in the affirmative? Well, mi? Have you anything to say?
Pinkie is a healthy example of the new Soviet AmeriKan womyn and she has a shovel.... and it is sharp.... very sharp. Do what I do when Babushka Pinkie comes after me ..... RUN!
Comrade Commissarka - I know what you mean, and the Party always appreciates that extra foam at the corners of the mouth that makes any argument much more convincing. However, you probably came here when the cleanup, body removal, and composting had already been completed and the size of the quote in question had shrunk to 5% of what it was originally when it included the entire starting post with all the images. Quoting the text itself is quite enough.
As someone who has spent countless man hours person hours deleting unnecessary quotes, including but not limited to parts of quotes, multiple quotes inside quotes, and entire topics contained for no good reason inside quotes - all in order to make these pages more readable and enjoyable to everyone - I must agree with Mi.
BTW, I never, ever had to tinker that way with Pinkie's posts because she is an exemplary poster, her posts are always very reasonably composed, and because I am afraid of her shovel.
Shrimper is new, so the first time it's excusable. Others, however, tend to be rather careless and add me more work. So I want to thank Mi for shrinking Shrimper's oversize quote and thus saving me the effort - unless, of course, Shrimper changed it herself.
Whoever did change it, though, is hereby declared...
Pinkie is a healthy example of the new Soviet AmeriKan womyn and she has a shovel.... and it is sharp.... very sharp. Do what I do when Babushka Pinkie comes after me ..... RUN!
--
ZB
No, do what I do when Pinkie starts coming after people. Shoot comrade Blokhayev in the leg, and then run, while Pinkie descends upon him with her shovel. You must sometimes sacrifice the one for the many.
WOW! Excellent job! Very emotional and hits the right spots every time, and the timing is perfect too.
Loved all the People's Cube (and Maksim's) pictures, but I cracked up the most at the picture of Obamamized Spartans pushing old disabled people off a cliff. I wish I had thought of that!
As someone who has spent countless man hours person hours deleting unnecessary quotes, including but not limited to parts of quotes, multiple quotes inside quotes, and entire topics contained for no good reason inside quotes - all in order to make these pages more readable and enjoyable to everyone - I must agree with Mi.
While I certainly do see it from your owner's point of view, Master--and I would like to emphasize that none of this is an out-of-karakter attack on Mi; I'm merely having fun with him/her--a good many of the so-called "list nazis" of whom I rant are not even board owners or administrators or moderators--they're just every day users who signed up and expect the other hundred or more members to bend to this person's personal preferences. When I served on the executive board of an organization that has one such forum and we got these complaints, I'd tell them that we're always looking for volunteers to help maintain and moderate it and perhaps she'd be perfect for the job. Invariably, the complainers backed down into, "Oh no, not me, I don't have time for that and wouldn't be good at it," etc. mode, and they shut up after that.
I got the idea for that from when I was in military boot camp, e.g. if someone complained to the sergeant about the ineptitude of the people assigned to latrine detail, that person would automatically be assigned to latrine detail.
"Oh no, not me, I don't have time for that and wouldn't be good at it," etc. mode, and they shut up after that.
I got the idea for that from when I was in military boot camp, e.g. if someone complained to the sergeant about the ineptitude of the people assigned to latrine detail, that person would automatically be assigned to latrine detail.
Oh, and if you insist on typing LOL, please at least modify it to LOLprog. This is the korrekt way of characterizing occasional humorous outbursts, although the Party generally frowns on humor, unless it is directed at personal destruction of enemies of progress. For example, Comrade Al Franken calling Rush Limbaugh a Big Fat Idiot. LOLprog! Or Comrade Letterman suggesting a public statutory rape of Sarah Palin's daughter in a humorous context. LOLprog!
But in general, Cube members are all very serious people, animals, and household appliances. Some are ranking Party members, some are union members, and some - like Ivan "Brain in Jar" Betinov - are disjointed body parts. Please make note of it.
Please don't forget those of us who are fictitious (for now) and progressive forms of government. As our local leader it pains me to see you dispense unequality.
It has been a while since I posted, but I was injured during shovel duty at the Peoples Soup Kitchen and Cluster Drunk Bar.
That is when I experienced the wonders of our Magical Glorious Leaders 0-Care. You will Note the oh is really a zero, as in what it costs.
GLORIOUS!
The health services magically cost NOTHING! After supplying me with a sheik peoples burlap hospital gown, I understand why it is called zero-care.
Only a true progressive can appreciate the value of being cured though the use of inspiritaional slogans and posters! Thank you Comrade Square!
What is wrong with you all? The brilliant, wonderful, totally forward thinking (read, want to be fascistic dictator) in charge of Amerika now is absolutely changing the future of the world with his apologetic effort to pay every worthless scum-sucking lazy bastard/bitch on the face of the earth reparations for the decadent self serving greed which has defined America for 200 years. Someone needs to pay for all that greed. The greedy need to suffer like the masses they have subjected to their imperialism for all these years, or there will be no justice on the face of the earth. On another note, screw the jews, it's common knowledge God won't act until all the world is against His people.
Joos you say comrade Eric? Joos? Oh yes comrade, our most glorious ideological founder and wise brain candy cook of The People™: Karl Marx, hated Joos! And it wouldn't be right to be a Party loyalist and not feel the same way too. After all, Joos ruin everything! There has never been a proper People's Revolution where Joos did not get in the way somehow.
Now go get your copy of The Communist Manifesto and Mien Kampf, grow your beard, wrap your head, and we'll see you in Afghanistan.
And let's never forget that dear Adolph Hitler's grandmother was a Joo.
And how horrible they are. If we didn't have Joos I wouldn't have some of my Mozart. Ashkenazy, Perahia. Or Rubenstein. And the world would be so much better without Einstein. And all those scientists and surgeons?
Heaven forfend that the world should suffer more Joos!
When we could have sons of the desert blowing up innocent people.
What is wrong with you all? The brilliant, wonderful, totally forward thinking (read, want to be fascistic dictator) in charge of Amerika now is absolutely changing the future of the world with his apologetic effort to pay every worthless scum-sucking lazy bastard/bitch on the face of the earth reparations for the decadent self serving greed which has defined America for 200 years. Someone needs to pay for all that greed. The greedy need to suffer like the masses they have subjected to their imperialism for all these years, or there will be no justice on the face of the earth. On another note, screw the jews, it's common knowledge God won't act until all the world is against His people.
Eric,
I completely agree with you. The greedy capitalists need to suffer. Especially Tiger Woods. He is one of the greediest capitalists I have ever seen. How dare he marry a white woman, and own a yacht where he gets to float around all he wants. Screw Tiger Woods, and Michael Jordan, and Charles Barkley.
And Oprah Winfrey, especially. She owns her own show, so she really rakes it in. That makes her one of the greediest capitalists in all of evil Capitalist Amerikka. Screw Oprah Winfrey, the greedy capitalist pig.
And Barbara Streisand, too. How dare we let that greedy jew live on a beautiful piece of oceanfront property. It should be for the masses.
And Michael Moore, he's a greedy capitalist too. He is raking it in, too, with all those movies he makes. And he doesn't share it with hardly anyone. Oh, the list goes on, and I can't stop. So here are some more:
Screw Jimmie Kimmel, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Scarlett Johansen, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Ted Turner, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Jane Fonda, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw David Letterman, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw the President of the BET network, that billionaire greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Forest Whittaker, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Susan Sarandon, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Danny Glover, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Sean Penn, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw Oliver Stone, that greedy capitalist pig.
Screw ... okay, I'll stop for now.
Leninka,
Can you not see that Comrade Eric the Red is a right-wing bigot? What about his comments on reparations for bastards and bitches? Is that not a bigoted comment?
Oh my! Comrade Mr. Ed, you are correct! I completely missed this. I was so hell-bent on his remark about hating greedy capitalists, I didn't notice it! Silly me.
That's right. I knew there was someone important missing from the list. Georgie's friends the Sandlers (of World Savings/Wachovia fame), too, ought to be on that list along with that guy who runs the Apollo Group, even if the three of them, together, they are the three largest contributors to the Party of Progs.
Let's not forget Howard Zinn, who fled communism to become an academician, who makes his money biting the hand that feeds him.
But that is routine in academia. More and more I am thinking that trade schools are to be preferred. They don't give as much latitude to professors, who are often a curse. With true apologies and respect to ABCDarius Rex and Betinov.
These denunciations of Party Contributors™ are not good for The Party™. We need our Philanthropists™ comrades, so that you may get your next beet ration.
Fellow sufferers of flotsam-like serfdom, I must inject another of the most wonderful of all the greatest of suffering of the downtrodden, and outcast of our entire generation. the husband of tippy tippy tin Mary Elizabeth Aitcheson, the former vice president of the United States of America, wounded in combat, hero of his military unit, best selling author, and Nobel prize lauriate, Mr Albert Arnold Gore Jr. Of all the people active in the public view on a world stage, no single non-elected, or appointed, person has so much to lose by not being embraced by the masses of the people of the world and sending money to his cause than this man. For this he should be revered, if not imprinted on the 100,000,000 dollar bill, when it is finally put into production sometime in November 2012.
We get three in one with you. With the way you contort and warp your Christian beliefs into vehicles of hate, you are like James Earl Ray, Vladimir Lenin, and Adolf Hitler all rolled into one festering, seething miscreant.
Comrade Mi, do I know you from one of the Yahoogroups [...]
I just want to whack those people with my shovel. [...]
Is that you, mi? Can you look at my avatar and see what I'm holding and dare reply in the affirmative? Well, mi? Have you anything to say?
Anything?
Anything at all?
Thank you for letting me rant.
Why do you hate cats, Commissarka? Am I to denounce you as a specieist?
Forums certainly are there for exchanging learning opinions, but what good is it to re-read the same opinions over and over? Unless, of course, they are the Party-approved and already studied by heart opinions of the Glorious Leaders, such repetitions are a sign of sloppy editing — a post's author, composing it for dozens (or hundreds) of readers, ought to make some semblance of an effort at making the post readable and to the point.
That said, hard as it may be for a cat to hold a shovel, mine is sharpened...
Hey, maybe this whole thing is just a misunderstanding. It might have been that the protester was just REAAAALLY hungry, looked for something to eat, and "oh look! a finger!"
Of course, no one (or everyone) would go hungry in a glorious government run by the cube. Besides, if you're malnourished, you can just get free treatment from a free doctor (who hasn't eaten in a week and is intensely staring at your finger and... "wait, is that drool?"). Make sure you apply ahead of time, though. If you're not malnourished when you apply, you probably will be by the time you get treatment.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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SPONSORED BY:
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Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
