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Red Planet Teaser

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I have to plead a prior engagement, Tovarich, as much as I'd like to go to Mars. As much as I'd like to see some of our moonbat cousins in an even higher orbit, but I cannot do it.

Bruno, er, that's it, Bruno is having problems right now and I have to sit here and nurse him through it. So I won't be able to go to Mars. Where it's cold all the time. And a long way away from my impaling stakes.

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Comrades,

There was just a special on one of the NatGeo or Discovery Channels that said there might be life on Mars. All because they observed some methane gas? I say we had better inform our colony up there that they may have some unwelcome visitors. The special mentioned 2012?....Where have I heard that date before?......Sorry, I'm trying to acertain just who is in charge up there? Better have Laika transmit a message to them,......just to be safe, eh?

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Entirely out of character! The comrade who makes music play on this thread will be fed to Ann Coulter!

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

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Che Gourmet wrote:Sorry, I'm trying to acertain just who is in charge up there? Better have Laika transmit a message to them,......just to be safe, eh?

Comrade Che Gourmet,

I don't know what lifespans are on Mars, but John Carter was the Warlord of Mars in 1919. We might have to deal with his descendants, but we have shovels.

My dear Komrads,

I would like to squeal on report an infiltrator within the Potemkingrad Central Planning Committee. It appears that someone is utilizing your plans to build a colony on the planet Venus:

<a href="https://www.thevenusproject.com/vgallery.html">Venus Colony</a>

Hopefully, I will be receiving extra beets in my rations.

Please look into this.

Your loyal friend always,
Miss Pol Pot Pie.

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traci, you need to talk to Commissarka Pinkie about that. I never give out her beets. She looks so sweet, doesn't she? But my lord how that woman can swing a shovel. No doubt from practice digging.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:traci, you need to talk to Commissarka Pinkie about that. I never give out her beets. She looks so sweet, doesn't she? But my lord how that woman can swing a shovel. No doubt from practice digging.

My Dear Theocratus,

I know this comes as no shock to you. We all know that Pinkie has developed a sweetness toward your house-boy, Bruno...or possibly toward you, and she is trying to cozy up to Bruno to get to you. Anyway, she hasn't forgiven me since I beat her in the vodka-drinking, human tractor-pull relay.

Is it possible that either you or Bruno could speak to her on my behalf?

With much love, awe, and submission,
your friend,
Miss Pol Pot Pie

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Miss Pol Pot Pie, you made me blush. Frankly I rather doubt that Pinkie has developed a sweetness toward me, and as far as Bruno goes--no one could. I swear he can't find his way out of closet, well, closet is the wrong word, but something like that.

But I can't get rid of him. I've taken him 200 miles away and dumped him in the middle of nowhere--straight unbroken Texas roads for 50 miles in each direction. And he beat me home.

He's a homing queen.

I endure him out of my manifest progressive love for all of mankind. Believe me, it's like jumping on a grenade so that your comrades-in-arms may live. For the world is not ready for a 6'4" man dressed like Carmen Miranda singing "Tico Tico" in a scratchy basso profundo.

But I do confess that Bruno does have on attribute. He cuts Meow's visits short.

Aaah yes! Bruno. Bruno, Bruno ,Bruno. I have gained a sisterly affection for him, as he has become a larger than life character of your rancho anecdotes. My goodness! How I would have loved to have been there to see he and the many-titted empress's infamous cat-fight.

Bruno, the homing queen. LOL

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traci, when our Many Titted Empress comes over, Bruno just sits in the corner and shakes, moaning and keening and sucking his thumb. (He's always very cross the next day for what that does to his manicure.)

That's because one our Empress got very drunk and rode him like a rented mule, screaming, "Heigh Ho, I'm the Lone Ranger!" As we were distracted, well, shocked into insensibility by that, Meow stole the silver.

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"well, shocked into insensibility by that, Meow stole the silver."


Kind and generous leader, How could you be shocked that Meow stole the silver, let's face it we have to lock everything of value or nail it down whenever the Meow wagon rolls down the drive. Meow would steal the pennies off a dead man's eyes, actually he has. Che refuses to give Meow, the many titted empress, or any of the Loony Left that shows up, anything but cheap plastic table wear, I steal from the local "Wendy's". but you know this as you had me steal as many condiment packages as I could get outwith...or should I say my GoonsHighly Trained Troopers, actually they just grabbed the store manager and he turn it over with little struggle. I am glad to report we have been outfitting the Hemlock restaurants with these items.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc.
Director of kicking doors at midnight
Keeper of the Sacred Plasma Cutter.
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Red Star, your vigilance is as always exemplary. I'm thinking that we can give out condiment packages as consolation prizes for people who don't get Pinkie's Beet of the Week award. And there's an added bonus: the plastic forks and knives, or even sporks, cannot cut through prison bars.

I have been in private consultation with Meow though and he promises to steal only from Rethuglicans in the future. I told him that after a year of good behavior, at the Rancho of course, I would tell him where his family was.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Red Star, your vigilance is as always exemplary. I'm thinking that we can give out condiment packages as consolation prizes for people who don't get Pinkie's Beet of the Week award. And there's an added bonus: the plastic forks and knives, or even sporks, cannot cut through prison bars.

I have been in private consultation with Meow though and he promises to steal only from Rethuglicans in the future. I told him that after a year of good behavior, at the Rancho of course, I would tell him where his family was.

I want to thank you for bringing this up to Red Star, as I have been despondent to have not received extra beets in my ration. Condiment packets and sporks would cheer me right up. You're always thinking of me. :hug:

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Of course, traci, of course. We always want our incipient storm troopers and arbiters of the Current Wisdom to be well accoutered, and happy. You will always have as many plastic sporks as you can use, and as many translucent paper napkins as you can need. But do not tell the Holy Gore, for that is a crime against Gaia.

The Holy Gore recently has been astonishing. It's astonishing that he has taken on any new information, which is a first since 2000. Someone finally made him realize that at every speech he delivers it's in record cold and so he was not getting the maximum impact.

So now the Holy Gore has embarked on a new phase to save the planet! "Citizens of the Earth! Save the forests! Do not wipe your ass! I don't, and smell me!"

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Great, fearless and generous leader; I feel we should have a contest. I noticed some items were still in the box I left at Rancho Rio Grande.

If you recall I took the Goons Highly Trained Troopers to work security at one of the Gala Balls for Obamessiah, while they stayed at the “Tick Tock Motor lodge” out on Route 301 in Bowie Maryland, it appears they decided to help themselves in the maids closet, Other than towels and sheets the they did not turn in to Uniforms or head garb, several hundred cases of little shampoos, mini bars of soap, mouthwash and toilet paper was procured.

Bruno left some items behind and I was thinking we could pass it out as rewards to Comrades like Tracy who excel and suck up to you fearless leader. Of course the grand prize could be the ash trays I stoleborrowed from the Sheraton Northwest.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc.
Director of kicking doors at midnight
Keeper of the Sacred Plasma Cutter.
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Excellent work, as always, Red Star. Everyone needs lots of little tchotchkes especially ones that they did pay for.

Have you ever trained your goons Highly Trained Troopers to raid loading docks? Here in West Texas are are a few beer distributors who partake liberally of their product. I'm thinking that if we offered them say half gallon of Jack Black it would be a good investment in getting them passed out.

To make off with the warehouse.

Just saying.

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Fearless and Generous Leader


The GoonsHighly Trained Troopers, could be employed in such an endeavor, But please remember the Idiot named Julio Gushing at the feet of the Obamessiah the other day.....Well this is the standard GoonHighly Trained Trooper. Actually he was a-bit smarter. They hear Judy Garland and will light up Virginia Slims and start hanging out. Instructions must be Mono Syllabic and spoken very slowly.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc.
Director of kicking doors at midnight
Keeper of the Sacred Plasma Cutter.
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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If your troopers are as energetic as Julio Gushing I commend you. I will also give you some of the tranqs that I stole off Meow the last time he was here. I gave one to a rampaging bull and it killed him but the dosage might be just about right.

Ah, the innocent faith of the young. And I can understand it. I recall the first time that I saw His O'liness, and how I instinctively lowered my head in reverence. Here, I thought, was a man with such a presence that he could say any old shit and make people believe it.

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Thank you Kind and Generous leader, I generally give my Goons Highly Trained Troopers a Cocktail Cognac, Carisoprodol, Ketemin, and Clozapine. It generally keeps them quiet, obviously it did not work on Julio. But the Traqs Meow takes....I would say that my Cocktail is light weight, by comparison.

If you recall the last time we were setting around the fire at Rancho de Riogrande Meow was sleeping with his feet on the Hearth, when his shoes caught on fire, he was wearing them. But as we needed a good laugh that night, we let them burn. Amazingly, he expelled gas that damned near blew the wall out of the living room. He never woke up, and the next morning was shuffling around complaining, that his shoe were cheap, the house smelled "Stale" that Bruno was rude to him, muttering something about strange dreams he had, involving Rosie O'Donnell, and the Hindenburg..... Gawd I still have nightmares. Things that make you go bluuukkk.....

Ohhhhh Memories........

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc.
Director of kicking doors at midnight
Keeper of the Sacred Plasma Cutter.
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Oh. My lord. I'd forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me. You remember him bitching that Bruno was being rude to him? Indeed. When he woke up Bruno had painted him up as a geisha, white face and all, and he looked in the mirror. And he was loving it.

He draped a tablecloth around himself, hunched his back and lowered his head and walked in mincing steps back in front of the mirror, admiring himself as a geisha.

That was when Bruno fell on the floor laughing, "Meow! Will you do the next drag show on Pearl Harbor Day?"

Meow didn't see me standing there and that's why he muttered to you that Bruno was rude to him.

Yes he was. He proposed that he work in a drag show instead of a geisha house.

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Stalin appears to Vladimir Putin in a dream and says:

“I have two bits of advice for you: kill your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

=========================
Sponsored by Blue(TM), the new Red.

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Yes. I have the shame to live in one of the reddest of states, Texas. Texans just won't be progressives, and I don't know why. I try my best to make them give up their independence, but they just won't. I tell them that the gummint can do everything for them and the ones in the west just go on with their lives.

It's horrible. It's <i>horrible</i>, I tell you. And we <b>don't have any unions here</b> to inspire us with their bloody-mindedness and featherbedding.

I wonder why I try.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Yes. I have the shame to live in one of the reddest of states, Texas. Texans just won't be progressives, and I don't know why. I try my best to make them give up their independence, but they just won't. I tell them that the gummint can do everything for them and the ones in the west just go on with their lives.

It's horrible. It's <i>horrible</i>, I tell you. And we <b>don't have any unions here</b> to inspire us with their bloody-mindedness and featherbedding.

I wonder why I try.
Commissar Theocritus,

Obviously it is because you've told the masses that the gummint can do everything for them. They know this simply is not true and is nothing but vile conservative propaganda. It is the govmint or gobernmunt that can provide for all the peoples needs!

Small difference it seems, but small differences make all the difference. Just ask Comrade Hoffa; Who knew 'quick set' cement really set that much faster?

This probably isn't the place for this,
but I'm a newbee and I just gotta say,
my computer is literally dripping sarc.

Thank you!Image

hahahah! even the imotes! Sweet!

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Ah, Milo. Welcome to the collective. You will be given your bunk assignment, and probationary shovel. Rejoice! You are lucky. The beet harvest has been a good one this year, so you may have a whole beet to yourself, every single day!

Notice how this has all happened on the watch of President for Life Braaack Hussein Obonzo. You may give thanks but do not speak unless you are spoken to. And since I'm in a good mood today, I, as a Made Progressive with a two-room dacha, will tell you that the fastest way to the President for Life's ear is to give a PS3 game to his TelePrompter, the TOTUS.

That will get you anywhere.

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Yes Comrade Milo, I beam with pride when I welcome you to the collective, I must first tell you the rules. Should TOTUS, and his assistant Obonzo walk by you must bow your head in respect to the Teleprompter, You may smile politely to OBonzo, Should you see Nansky bow holding your wallet out, DO NOT BREATH, the Military grade Botox is lethal. Should you see Biden, he most likely will seem disoriented, Point in any direction and he will leave you alone. Harry Reid is dangerous, He is generally trailed by many SEIU goons, they have been known to attack with no provocation. Lastly the manytited empress, generally I advise not talking to her, But should you make a mistake, she will most likely babble incoherently, about her days in WW II spiral landings and her taking on the entire Japanese army alone. Simply ignore her.

These simple rule will help you these first weeks at the collective.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Keeper of the Faith

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Milo, always heed Red Star. I recall when he was just a young prog here on the Cube. What a nasty, vicious piece of shit. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't do. No one he wouldn't stab in the back.

Damn. I'm so proud of Red Star.

Always look to Red Star for tips on how to be vicious, nasty, self-dealing, self-serving, entitled, and full of shit. Oh, and larcenous too.

He's one of my favorite Made Progs.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Milo, always heed Red Star. I recall when he was just a young prog here on the Cube. What a nasty, vicious piece of shit. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't do. No one he wouldn't stab in the back.

Damn. I'm so proud of Red Star.

Always look to Red Star for tips on how to be vicious, nasty, self-dealing, self-serving, entitled, and full of shit. Oh, and larcenous too.

He's one of my favorite Made Progs.

Sniff Sniff.......Thank You Kind and Generous Leader, I have worked so hard.....Sniff, Such a complement, now if you will excuse me......I think I'll treat Milo to his first Jiffy Lobo, I stole Pupoviches wallet and car.....

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality® INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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I still have great faith in you, Red Star. Who else is better to be in control of the Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits? No one, that's who! I hope you realize what a feat it is, for you so newly minted a made prog, to be in control of the Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits.

I'll give you a hint. Your next step up is control of Harry Reid's brain. It is now in a septic tank in Area 51 but I can see you doing so much more with this underutilized asset. After all, it's never been used and it belongs to someone in power. What more could a prog want?

BTW, if I were you, I'd get some of those shoulder-length gloves used for inseminating cows.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Milo, always heed Red Star. I recall when he was just a young prog here on the Cube. What a nasty, vicious piece of shit. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't do. No one he wouldn't stab in the back.

Damn. I'm so proud of Red Star.

Always look to Red Star for tips on how to be vicious, nasty, self-dealing, self-serving, entitled, and full of shit. Oh, and larcenous too.

He's one of my favorite Made Progs.

I recall it was not long ago that Comrade Red Star picked up a scraggly kitten and rubbed his little chin. Next thing I know, I'm learning self defense, AK-47s, RPGs, plastique, and going out on midnight raids! Oh how I was made to feel so welcome here at The Peoples Paradise! (sniff) brings a tear to my eye. (Well, my allergic reaction to feathers could be causing this runny nose. Where's that rooster at anyway?)

Comrade Red Star, what say we take Milo out on a raid? ya know, for old times sake. (It's been so long since the peace of progressivism has pacified the land in the time of his O'liness).

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Reiuxcat wrote:
Commissar Theocritus wrote:Milo, always heed Red Star. I recall when he was just a young prog here on the Cube. What a nasty, vicious piece of shit. There wasn't anything that he wouldn't do. No one he wouldn't stab in the back.

Damn. I'm so proud of Red Star.

Always look to Red Star for tips on how to be vicious, nasty, self-dealing, self-serving, entitled, and full of shit. Oh, and larcenous too.

He's one of my favorite Made Progs.

I recall it was not long ago that Comrade Red Star picked up a scraggly kitten and rubbed his little chin. Next thing I know, I'm learning self defense, AK-47s, RPGs, plastique, and going out on midnight raids! Oh how I was made to feel so welcome here at The Peoples Paradise! (sniff) brings a tear to my eye. (Well, my allergic reaction to feathers could be causing this runny nose. Where's that rooster at anyway?)

Comrade Red Star, what say we take Milo out on a raid? ya know, for old times sake. (It's been so long since the peace of progressivism has pacified the land in the time of his O'liness).



Oh Shucks what the Hell, Let's round up the goons and go out. Milo BRING YOU OWN BEER, and enough for us too....I still have Pupovitche's Zill and his credit cards...

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality® INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Red Star wrote:Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Comrade Red Star,That really sums it all up: ethnic, compassionate, green, idealistic, fantastic, protective, comforting, dreamy. The only danger is My Silken Pony John Edwards might hire an ambulance to run down some of your unicorns so he can chase it and sue you for your animals' impeding progress.

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Comrade_Tovarich wrote:
Red Star wrote:Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Comrade Red Star,That really sums it all up: ethnic, compassionate, green, idealistic, fantastic, protective, comforting, dreamy. The only danger is My Silken Pony John Edwards might hire an ambulance to run down some of your unicorns so he can chase it and sue you for your animals' impeding progress.

Yes Good Friend and Comrade Tovarich;

But these are the risks we take as Loving Compassionate Made Progressives. John is a lost soul, with his "bumping ugly with a skank". and Producing a new Prole. I have been considering re-inventing myself, perhaps I could become the Environmental Commissar, I am sure with the right amount of Cash, the Obmessiah would deem me this title, we all know the Gorical has fallen from favor....

Actually on second thought, being a made progressive means I am very lazy, so I just won't waste my time.....

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality® INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Comrade Red Star,

That's the Party spirit!

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Red Star, as fond of you as I am, and as much as I admire your various accomplishments, and as much as I admire the fact that you did nothing except be nasty and take credit (my eyes are welling up now), but I must chastise you for "bumping ugly with a skank." Bruno saw that and started blubbering.

The problem is that Bruno is tired of his Carmen Mirando routine, and is now going more toward Liza in Cabaret
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When he heard me muttering, "Bumping ugly with a skank," he threw his go-go boots through a plate-glass window and screamed, "Theocritus! Just for that I'm going to, I'm going to...I'll tell you what. I'm going to vote Republican."

My vision dimmed. How could someone I'd nurtured, hell, endured, all these years vote Republican?

I blame you, Red Star. I blame you.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Red Star, as fond of you as I am, and as much as I admire your various accomplishments, and as much as I admire the fact that you did nothing except be nasty and take credit (my eyes are welling up now), but I must chastise you for "bumping ugly with a skank." Bruno saw that and started blubbering.

The problem is that Bruno is tired of his Carmen Mirando routine, and is now going more toward Liza in Cabaret
Image
When he heard me muttering, "Bumping ugly with a skank," he threw his go-go boots through a plate-glass window and screamed, "Theocritus! Just for that I'm going to, I'm going to...I'll tell you what. I'm going to vote Republican."

My vision dimmed. How could someone I'd nurtured, hell, endured, all these years vote Republican?

I blame you, Red Star. I blame you.


Oh my sometimes we do forget there are consistences for our actions, I humbly apologize and Please send the Bill for the broken window to me, (Pupovich MasterCard is not maxed out). I went out and procured several Hummel figurines, for you with my compliments, For Bruno, I picked up several DVD's titles such as George Loony Clooney, Morons that stare at Goats, Babs Streisand, I scare wall paper off the wall, and the classics of Tom Hanks

I hope this is some way eases the distress that I have caused.


Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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Oh, Red Star. You know how I can never stay angry with you I'll tell you a secret. Once I was in a bad mood. Well, I had been on a bender for two weeks. Alcohol is a made prog's best friend, you know, smoothing the slings and arrows of outrageous reality.

Uh. Bad mood. I had just had my second fifth of whiskey in 24 hours and wanted to sleep but the sun wasn't down. In fact it was just rising.

I hated that. How dare the sun rise before I wanted it to? Did I learn nothing from President Awesome Complete Total Fucking Zero?

Then I thought, "What would Red Star do?"

And I was comforted. I could just see you avenging my nasty little ego on hordes of unsuspecting people. I could rely on your making people do things that were of no use and only hurt them. And I knew, that even if the sun insisted on rising when I didn't want it to, I would be avenged by Red Star.

Thank you, Comrade.

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Komrades, I am here on Red planet.. Can't...........

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DaveFilms wrote:Komrades, I am here on Red planet.. Can't...........


Comrade, you have made a wrong turn somewhere, You have entered the People Cube. Where we put on our Foil hats, listen for signals from Laika, pray to the all mighty Obamessiah.
Now you can join the collective as a prole. and work your way up in the party.

We know who you are, and you need to pack warm clothing, grab a shovel, and report to your local Train station and await further instructions.

Resistance is Futile


Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

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DaveFilms, listen to Red Star. He's a wonderful prog. He's nasty, horrible, mean, selfish, entitled, vicious, entitled (did I say that?) and just plain ghastly.

I love him like a son. This is the Cube, where progressives spend their time calculating how to get other people to be responsible for other people. I hate personal responsibility as do all good progs. Red Star does too.

What you need to do is get into your work clothes and report for work in the beet fields. If you are a good toiler in the trenches for The Party™ then you'll earn your moldy potato per day, and if you're really good with your hoe, a moldy beet.

And you'll get a wee dram of Putinka Vodka. It's made of rotting potatoes and so is the most flavorful.

The important thing to remember is that we talk poor but live rich.

That's the prog way.


 
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