| SOUTH AFRICA - For generations, members of the impoverished baboon community in the Cape peninsula have suffered from inequality, forced to live in deplorable conditions on the margins of simian society with no access to education, subsidized housing, and universal healthcare - but this paradigm is about to shift. The baboons - whom scientists describe as the most economically oppressed minority among the primates - are finally fighting back, forcing homo sapiens to rethink their place in the diverse biosphere they had exploited for too long without giving back. |
Scientists are unsure about the cause of the baboons' sudden compulsion to organize and represent. Could it be that altruistic primate researchers have raised the apes' awareness by distributing Marxist literature - or, are the apes naturally evolving to the level of class consciousness? Regardless of the cause, the most radicalized of them are finally fighting economic injustice by redistributing and disposing of unfairly gained surplus "human" wealth. Evolutionary experts can't hide their excitement. Researchers at Berkeley and other Ivy League schools were quick to point out that the so-called "crimes" are merely the result of social inequities, which have traumatized generations of the poorest baboons and led to the formation of a vibrant counterculture bent on direct action. No longer willing to sit idly by as the wealth continues to be unfairly distributed, the baboons are, in the words of one animal rights' activist, "taking it to the man; I mean, all the higher primates - especially the homo sapiens!"
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"We think of ourselves as advanced species, but in reality we are the most oppressive and repulsive primates evolution has produced," says Prof. Kurgman, who recently styled his beard to look like that of a baboon in solidarity with the primates' struggle for equal rights. "We are all baboons now!" he tells his students, announcing extra credits to those who can spend a week acting like baboons and writing about their experiences in the college newspaper. | ![]() Prof. Kurgman's students earning extra credits in the streets of New York. |
"Private property is a bourgeois concept that only has value among the humans," believes Bertha Newchurch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, the largest animal rights organization in the world. "Human property was largely obtained by raping the land and stealing resources from baboons and dogs and girbils, leaving them with no tools of evolution and suppressing their chance at further advancement." "I support," Newchurch adds, "Joe Biden's bill to create a government agency that will oversee the proper allocation of all human wealth to all animal species. We must finally atone for the extinction of the passenger pigeon." |
![]() Marxist biologists at Berkeley have given up on raising the awareness of the decadent gorillas... ![]() ... or the bourgeois chimpanzees who are likely to be engaged in monkey business with humans. ![]() Baboons, on the other hand, are known for their uncompromising stance on issues. Experts in Revolutionary Psychology have reasons to believe that baboons may soon become the next most important ally in the movement of granting voting rights to non-humans. ![]() Professor Palimpsest channels feelings of the average oppressed baboon: "Homo Sapiens out of Africa now!" |
Many victims of "baboon crime" in the Cape Peninsula beg to differ. "I put these bars on my windows," one of them laments, gripping the sun-warmed metal. "But still, the next thing I knew I had a baboon in my
bedroom sleeping with my wife and drinking my Courvoisier."
Down by the roadside a group of tourists was recently carjacked by one baboon as they stopped to admire him. The visitors made the mistake of not locking their doors and within seconds the alpha male had yanked the driver out of his seat, cranked up the radio to full blast, and sped away with seven hostages. The fate of the unfortunate tourists is uncertain. However, one local has reported that he saw a pack of AK-47-wielding baboons leading a group of blindfolded hominids into
a remote part of the jungle.
While this definitely provides educational fun for the visitors, the residents blame the tourists and progressive activists for most of the problems, alleging that the outsiders feed the baboons and even slip them drugs for amusement. Consequently, some baboons have set up Meth labs and are now dealing to the hyenas, as if they needed any more "uppers".

Progressive activists from all over the world converge on the Cape peninsula to raise awareness and distribute "The Workers' World" and other relevant literature.
"Reason is a myth invented by humans in order to oppress other species," writes Dr. Palimpsest, Professor of Revisionist History of Boulder, Co., in his new book exploring the vibrant counterculture of the baboon community. "Likewise, our alleged ability to think rationally, to conceive of our own lives, and to be selective in the choice of sex partners are all part of the same outdated chauvinistic narrative - the conspiracy of the intelligent few, as I like to call it - invented to set humans apart from other animals with the purpose of subjugation and exploitation."
"My studies of the primates and of the progressive community at the UC-Boulder campus have convinced me beyond any doubt that mind is a fiction. Our feelings, however, are a reality - and they are shared across the board. Animals too can feel injustice - which is what happens when things do not get distributed to each according to their need."
"Things generally belong to those who need them, not to those who create them. Private property is a joke; you can't possibly keep what you earn when the number of needy communities keeps expanding to other species and in the future may include fungi, bacteria, and even non-carbon-based alien life forms."
"The moral of this story is that nothing is moral as long as the means of production are in the hands of the human hegemonists," concludes Dr. Palimpsest who has been nominated for this year's "Stand on your Books" award in the category of Marxist ethics.
Propaganda Department
the next thing I knew I had a baboon in my bedroom sleeping with my wife and drinking my Courvoisier.Quote:
(CBS/AP) New Delhi - Wild monkeys attacked a senior government official who then fell from a balcony at his home and died Sunday, media reported.





Quote:
Even when the women try to trick the monkeys by dressing in men's trousers and hats the monkeys do not run away.AbecedariusRex
...baboons...monkeying...ape...simians...humans...macaques...primates...gorilla ...prehensiles...chimpanzee...AbecedariusRex
...automobiles from around the world and a delegate party of baboons need to get together at the United NationsCommissar Pupovich
I have some wonderful news comrades! Well, at least some good news and maybe bad news... I considered starting a new discussion on this, but this may be an appropriate place to mention this.



Quote:
Mmmm... monkey love.AbecedariusRex
But what a Gyp, Comrade PUP, I don't perceive the promised "bigger penises" in the picture. Just a bunch of emasculated gits. Why, if I'm going to be expected to evolve, damnit, I want a larger shlong! They promised an enhanced apparatus and I want to see the results. If they expect me to do my duty and follow the evolutionary trends then they better put out, baby.Commissar Pupovich
The human race will one day split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures, according to a top scientist...Commissar Pupovich
2088? That must be a typo as there will be no need to campaign after 2008!Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Mmmm... monkey love.
Zampolit Blokhayev
Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Mmmm... monkey love.
Zampolit Blokhayev
Comrades,
Comrad Bubalasky
Shouldn't it be "People are Animals," too!!Der Commissar
Why are you rushing off Comrade Kalishnakov? Your reputation as a Party Member is beyond question is it not? We were talking the other day how we can always count on you... yes, count on you indeed.Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
Der Commissar
Why are you rushing off Comrade Kalishnakov? Your reputation as a Party Member is beyond question is it not? We were talking the other day how we can always count on you... yes, count on you indeed.Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
You see, my many years in the Peoples Army™ have taught me to put my head down when I hear a chambered round.Commissar Pupovich
Da, but that comment was aimed... er...directed to Comrade Bubalasky was it not? You have done nothing, thought nothing, dreamed nothing that could bring suspicion upon you have you? Hmmmmm?Mikhail T. Kalashnikov
Commissar Pupovich
Da, but that comment was aimed... er...directed to Comrade Bubalasky was it not? You have done nothing, thought nothing, dreamed nothing that could bring suspicion upon you have you? Hmmmmm?Zampolit Blokhayev
Mikhail Timofeyevich, my honored friend and comrade...Comrade Blokhayev
You and I have been through many purges together...Why remember the time when our glorious leader Josef Stalin (May Lenin rest his soul (if he had one)) went on one his pogroms and Baria got purged? We didn't get purged!!!...

Ivan Betinov
Comrades--Dr. W. S. Palimpsest

Chairman M. S. Punchenko
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest

Chairman M. S. Punchenko
<digging around desk drawer for infamous red pen> Are you calling me a liar, Comrade Abecedarius??? <pulls out Comrade Abe's State Work Record> I mean, I can handle being called a liar... can you? <takes cap off red pen and is poised to write something rather nasty in Comrade Abe's State Work Record> I'll give you a few minutes to think over this whole business of me being a liar. Let me know what you come up with and make sure it has "Bush made me say it" included.Ivan Betinov
Comrades--Comrad Bubalasky
I do believe the release of this video may keep ME from the deep freeze of Siberia. Pupovich, Blokhayev, Da?Chairman M. S. Punchenko
It’s OK, Dr. P – it’s all part of the plan!Commissar Pupovich
Commissar M
Comrade Red Square was just spotted stalking the halls, carrying his AK and several 75 round drum magazines Comrade Kalashnikov recently sent him. He was mumbling something about petty factionalism, disunity and purges.Quote:
Quick! Everyone start chanting something progressive! Here, I'll get you started...LoneRedStar
Hot, hot hot, those ladies can pilot my plane anytime ...... :PIvan Betinov
Quote:
Quick! Everyone start chanting something progressive! Here, I'll get you started...



Commissar M
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