WASHINGTON - In a bold move to lessen our dependence on traditional fuels and decrease carbon emissions, Congress voted to repeal an old Republican ban on perpetual motion machines, clearing the way for the development of self-propelled water wheels, self-flowing flasks, float belts, zeromotors, and other environmentally-friendly industrial equipment.
Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.
"These free and clean energy sources threatened to drain profits and power from their filthy grasping hands," he added, preempting further debates by revealing potential opponents' hidden motives.
"Our intense collaboration with the scientific community has shown that a desired scientific consensus can be quickly achieved with correct redistribution of scientific grants," Holdren said. "Likewise, any alternative technological solution can be just as quickly achieved through the government funding of the effort to raise public awareness of the need to fund alternative solutions."
Leaders of the shrinking Republican opposition in Congress predictably tried to rewrite history by claiming there has never been a legal ban on perpetual motion machines, but rather a scientific proof of their impracticality. But champions of progress silenced the deniers with an irrefutable argument that many other things used to be impossible in the past - like spaceships, tractor beams, lightsabers, and medical marijuana - which are all realities today.
"Opponents of repeal have spread outrageous myths in order to derail it," stated Barbara Boxer (D-CA). Like many of her colleagues she believes that the interdiction was the result of a corporate conspiracy. Her calls for a special investigation seem to fall on willing ears of the president who famously stated during the year-long repeal campaign that "failing to legalize perpetual motion would devastate the US economy" and that "the opposition wants the country to fail."
Channeling these age-old resentments, Republican critics are arguing that perpetual motion will require vast amounts of additional energy to keep the process moving, which would end up raising, rather than lowering energy bills. But President Obama eloquently defused this charge, stating that the deniers were "bearing false witness" against legalization and that "this will not raise anyone's energy bill one bit; in fact, you'll pay less for energy!"
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Congress would pass the measure as soon as it completes work on the Repeal of the Law of Gravity, a regulation which is said to be hindering the recovery in the airline industry as well as holding down the President's approval rating.
The head of the Chinese Economic Ministry praised perpetual motion as "a beautiful idea into which America should invest a lot of money," but had to cut it short due to what appeared to be fits of uncontrollable giggles and face spasms. French President Sarkozy coolly admitted, "I don't care, I'm French." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared perpetual motion "a Zionist conspiracy" and vowed to accelerate his country's nuclear program to counter the potential menace.
Colonel 7.62Things like gravity and physics make me uncomfortable and feel bad. This is reason enough to renounce them.
Ayn Rand"So long as you don't know [the truth], you are free to believe what you wish - and you experience a foggy, pleasant, but somehow guilty, kind of hope."
Commissar TheocritusI personally want a perpetual-motion sex machine. You don't have to buy anyone dinner, or gifts, or even talk nice. Just set it going and you're fine. You're off. To the races.
Commissar TheocritusA free upgrade? A free upgrade? Can we do that for presidents?
Commissar TheocritusI want a presidential upgrade. I want a president who looks like a real president:[center][/center]
Commissar TheocritusCastrate, I went back and looked at your love-doll website and noticed that you can order the doll with either a built-in pecker or one that plugs in. And in various sizes.
Gorbels CubeBut the increase in carpal-tunnel syndrome will have the added beneficial effect of crippling trigger-fingers of wayward proles who may have forgotten to destroy the firearms they may have owned before their re-education became complete.
CzarRemember the old saying comrades, "Guns don't kill people; conservative white people kill people with guns."
MargaretJeepers. Ayn Rand would say anything people wanted to hear.
Adam Kirsch in NYTRand’s particular intellectual contribution, the thing that makes her so popular and so American, is the way she managed to mass market elitism — to convince so many people, especially young people, that they could be geniuses without being in any concrete way distinguished. Or, rather, that they could distinguish themselves by the ardor of their commitment to Rand’s teaching. The very form of her novels makes the same point: they are as cartoonish and sexed-up as any best seller, yet they are constantly suggesting that the reader who appreciates them is one of the elect.
O.A.Short of stating it explicitly, elitism implies that "the masses" are mindless, spiritless creatures without free will, always in need of the largess of the state, and for their own good the state ought to nationalize the country's resources in order to feed its subjects.
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