David Frum: Greedy Limbaugh Stole My Crown Of Evil

Hi, I'm David Frum - the rabid right-wing ultra-compassionate conservative, the uber-centrist, and the monster of moderate extremism. My unthinking fanatical followers have dubbed me el-Frumbo, a lovable little sleazeball, and Doctor Doom of Democracy. The legendary Al Franken wrote a book about me titled David Frum is a Big Fat Idiot. My phenomenal name recognition and huge popularity among capitalist ruling classes are making the common man shudder at the very sound of the word "Frum." It invokes horrible images of right-wing conspiracy and an imminent reactionary junta that dwarfs the bloody tyranny of George W. Bush. Such are my bona fides.

I have been outed by the unbiased media and members of the US Congress as the sole cause of all wars, poverty, famines, country music, and Republicanism. Every disaster in the last two thousand years has been traced back to my long, scaly tentacles.

And now my title of the Republican Prince of Darkness is being contested by some radio guy in Florida, named Rush Limbaugh - think about it - Rush Limbaugh! It's not even an evil name! How dare this hick from the sticks with his cigars, his personal bulk, not to mention his tangled marital history, reach for the Republican crown - when it was I, the criminal mastermind David Frum, who single-handedly created the Republican Party one lazy afternoon out of straw and some dust bunnies from under my chair!

It was I, the crazed neo-con David Frum, who slipped into Bush's hands the diabolical "Mission Accomplished" speech when he wasn't looking. I'm bursting out in maniacal laughter - Ha! Ha! Ha! - when I think that anyone may compare me, the Mother of all Right-Wingers, to a radio host who can't even get on the payroll of any broadcasting network, but instead has his own little private syndicated show from noon to three, when all normal people watch CNN Newsroom!

Yet even our soft-spoken and conciliatory President Obama, a devoted husband and father who epitomizes the ideal of responsibility, who is physically honed and admired by women voters - even he got duped into treating Limbaugh as a legitimate voice of conservative nutjobs - instead of me, David Frum, who is the official Goliath of right-wing nutjob ideology!

Rahm Emanuel, the moderate White House Chief of Staff, made the same mistake on Face the Nation , endorsing Limbaugh as "the voice and the intellectual force and energy behind the Republican party." Excuse me! Hello! Aren't you forgetting something? It is I, David Frum, who is the walking stereotype of militant arrogance - exactly the image that Barack Obama wants to affix to our insane philosophy and our corrupt, bankrupt party!

I, David Frum, wrote two best-selling how-to books, World Domination for Dummies and The Idiot's Guide to a Successful Evil Dictatorship . And why did I ever bother? All they can hear is a single sentence Rush Limbaugh said on the radio, about his wish for President Obama to fail. How silly is that?

First of all, saying such a thing on the radio violates Rule One of Evil Conspiracy: never, ever tell anyone - even your co-conspirators - what you really think. My advice to conservatives has always been to tell everyone - friends, colleagues, even their house pets - that they want Barack Obama to succeed. Now, thanks to Limbaugh, we'll have to do it all over again but louder. We may even have to start acting like we mean it.

Furthermore, if we want to rule ever again, we must change the very definition of "Republican" to "one who wants President Obama to succeed" - even if his success relies mostly on branding Republicans as a party of scheming, incompetent, bigoted, knuckle-dragging, science-hating, power-hungry, oil-thirsty, nature-wrecking, Bible-thumping, minority-hating imperialists and Zionist puppets that we are.

Come on, it's the 21st century, people - the age of collectivism, multiculturalist balkanization, forced equality, and ethnic socialism. The rule of law is dead - long live the rule of the lowest common denominator.

If we want to be the party of ideas, and Democrats have succeeded in popularizing socialist ideas, then by all means we must become the party of socialist ideas!

Unfortunately, in our conservative community, we have a foolish tendency to dismiss unwelcome realities. When true visionaries like me, David Frum, look up and holler, "Hey, evil co-conspirators, there's an avalanche of righteous indignation from community groups heading our way!" the others, like Limbaugh, tend to call me a "squish" or a RINO - Republican in Name Only - and promise that conservatives will be safe if only they stay on the moral high ground.

What moral high ground? This is where I, David Frum, have a major philosophical disagreement with Rush Limbaugh.

Republicans will never regain power unless we abandon the mythical moral high ground and level with the progressive majority by denouncing each other for the darkness of our hearts, the emptiness of our souls, and the evil of our ways. Polling of concerned citizens and community organizers in network news focus groups conclusively indicates that the Founding Fathers were wrong, and the Bill of Rights was a bridge too far. We can no longer win by supporting property rights, free enterprise, and individual responsibility - all phantoms that no modern thinker seriously believes in.

But Limbaugh is not interested in our success. The better Republicans succeed in denouncing their own principles in the Democrat-controlled media, the more Rush will be sidelined with his silly, outdated notions of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And vice versa: the longer Rush's supporters believe in that tired adage, the longer it will keep Republicans from joining the mainstream, becoming a broad governing coalition, and replacing Democrats - while Democrats move on to replace the Daily Kos bloggers.

Rush knows what he is doing. Trying to delay historically inevitable socialism serves nothing but his selfish, narrowly defined interest. It's easy for him to stick to his message because his listenership of 20 million makes him a very wealthy man.

But I, David Frum, challenge him to do something harder, yet more honorable - to throw away his beliefs and sacrifice his own talent to the needs of the larger community. This is what a compassionate conservative would've done. Try holding up wet finger in the air like the rest of us for a change! And if you can't force yourself to say what the progressive majority wants to hear, you have no right telling them they are wrong. Because if so many people agree on something, it must be right.

You might ask, why can't I just turn on the radio and listen to how Rush explains himself? Well, I didn't become what I am by observing the obvious. Instead, I must look for a hidden insane motive and arrange the reality around it. My political instinct tells me that Rush's hidden insane motive is to replace me, David Frum, as supreme ruler and protector of the conservative netherworld.

To achieve this goal, he is deploying the most terrible weapon known to modern man - he becomes offended. He knows full well that conservatives have long ago been conditioned not to offend anybody, which is a mortal sin in today's politics. And Rush is very easily offended. It allows him to command us like a pack of Pavlovian dogs, while extracting apologies from Republican members of Congress, and making the RNC Chairman grovel at his feet - which, I must admit, is a very satisfying experience.

Another reason not to listen to Limbaugh is that he is not serious. Nobody who takes power seriously would want President Obama to fail. In today's world, Obama's policies have proven to be the fastest and the most efficient way of getting in power and keeping it. What's not to like?

If the recent elections have taught us anything, Republicans can only win by imitating Democrats. If Democrats promise hope and change, we promise hope and change, and like it. In 2008, this winning strategy brought us John McCain, whom Democrats were able to wag like a dog wags its tail. From where I was standing I saw a tremendous victory coming our way. It could be ours but Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin stepped in it.

Another important lesson is that those who own the public school system own the future. And the public school system has been in Democrat hands for half a century. If more and more young people vote Democrat in each election, it means that Democrats are teaching our children that their rights are no longer derived from the natural law, but come from the government; that the purpose of social justice is to enable the people's right to trade freedom for free government cheese; and that freedom and cheese can only exist in reverse proportion to one another.

And why would we persuade them otherwise? We'll only lose their votes. A wiser approach is to double the amount of cheese crumbs. A dependent nation is an obedient nation, and a pleasure to boss around. If our goal is to govern, why ruin it for ourselves?

Such an approach entails a gigantic government tent with enough room for everyone, including Limbaugh. He can even continue to serve as a radio announcer with talent on loan from the FCC, provided he limits his speech to explaining why there weren't enough crumbs for everybody under capitalism, and why elections must now be postponed until the Central Planning Committee resolves the current food crisis.

Of all the questions critical to the future of conservatism, this one is above all: to profit - or to serve? It may look like some sort of choice, but it isn't. It's a trick question. Make the wrong move and there'll be no place for you in David Frum's compassionate conservative future. Other than that, it's a beautiful place where making a profit is a sin, and mandatory government service - from each according to his ability - is a citizen's duty. As a citizen and a patriot, Limbaugh will surely want his government to succeed, won't he? Or he'd have to quit calling himself a conservative and get out of the Republican Party.

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David Frum, former speechwriter for George W. Bush, is currently writing a book I Am Just Like Ann Coulter, Only With A Penis . He is editor of Majority-by-hook-or-by-crook.com

© 2009