In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress.
Laika the Space Dog
I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.
Screw Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often!
Its so fun I'm voting twice!
Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional Democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare. Says Democratic contender Bob Casey Jr: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"
"From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen. "This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base." Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"
Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter. "Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"
"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Good™. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."
Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Good™, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."
In other news:
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We would like to thank the entire Groupthink at the People's Cube and Communists For Kerry for contributing to this dead-on reporting.
Quote:I can’t read, but will pick the third option because I'm a bumbling idiot that likes the number three.
Blame the public schools.
Chairman Meow S. PunIf Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!
Alas, I tried to warn her Comrade Chairman. Apparently, she was pretty unimpressed. Seems that Gramma, Dad and my sister have formed some kind of RepugliKKKan "Necro-refusnik" movement. *SIGH* How the hell did I end up being related to these people?
I hope you won't mind that I, in the most Orwellian manner, used my authority as the Internet Kommissar and pimped up your original post with some random words, pictures, and other agitprop materials that I pulled out of our collective consciousness.
-- Red Square
I am happy to report though that the momentum here in the Peoples Commonwealth of Virginia is peaking. We are ready to send that guy we found that day named Webb to the senate to help ensure socialism for all!
REMINDER TO ALL USEFUL IDIOTS WITHIN PCVA: In the case of a "defeat", all mid-level Party apparatchiks within Richmond Party HQ are encouraged to make use of upper level windows, mine will also be available for your disposal. We simply cannot cover the cost this cycle for bullets, rope, therapy sessions or any other means of purging. Remember, the Parties defeat = your demise. So please, save us a couple nickles and make use of infrastructure to spare yourselves the shame of a show trial.
Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko
That would be "poetic justice," although not exactly in the Maya Angelow sense of "poetic."
General IvanDead means vote Red wooo -hooo !!!Field Marshall ???I see..... how many boot stomped peasant children did you have to run down for that???
HRC promoted me here:
Executive Order No. 2006-1
<purged> will be executed January 21, 2009 at 1200 hrs underneath the platform on the Capitol steps.
<purged> will be executed with a lethal injection of Clostridium botulinum resulting in death by botulism.
Archie Bane Limpold is to report to the nearest re-education center immediately or the Ivy League school of his choice.
Private Pravda is breveted to Field Marshal Pravda for meritorious bravery and unwavering faithfulness during a time of extreme crisis.
Please note that this is a breveted promotion; no extra $, potatos, or vodka. I serve at HRC's pleasure...um that doesn't sound right.
At any rate, I am honored.
Interesting note: Back to the future part II is playing on TBS, Teddy Turner is doing his part! Are you?
Red SquareChairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power...."
Sadly, today's portable telephones just don't have the cojone-frying power of the good old AN/PRC-77. Hooking jumpers cables between a car battery and the intended target works well, however. Fellow Commissars have also come up with various alternatives that work on household current and can be assembled from parts found at the local hardware store. As always, the Commissars of The People's Cube stand ready to assist Party apparatchicks in the use of these and other devices in the unlikely event that Party victory is not achieved.
Early exit polls in Cook County Illinois show strong Democrat turn out in Assumption, Graceland, and Rosehill cemeteries!
All bodes well for Premier Blagojevich. With some good old fashioned Serbian ethnic cleansing, he will be able to keep Illinois blue for decades to come.
Chairman Meow S. PunThis kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."
So can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
BranishSo can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
Excellent example! Get an extra ration card for a kilo of beets this November!
Picture from a Dick List story about a Democrat Mommy
Even the dead get to participate in the Islamic regime’s election
Iran Press News BlogSaeed Aboudi, deputy of legal affairs and birth records organization in an interview with the daily newspaper Tehran’eh Emrooz reported that the lack of voided birth certificates of a considerable percent of the dead to be a serious problem of the organization. The i.d.’s and birth certificates of the dead are bought and sold, their their photos are then removed and used for various things such as elections. Aboudi said: “To participate in the election the i.d.’s must have photos and polling branches officials must compare the photo with the individual who has shown up to vote and is presenting the i.d. and in the case of any misuse [of the i.d.], the authorities are legally bound to properly address the issue.”
Somebody send the Iranian Mullahs a memo that only backward countries are still using IDs in elections - while all the progressive humanity spearheaded by the Democratic Party have long abandoned the idea as a reactionary tool in the hands of the knuckle-dragging majority to preserve their so-called "constitution" and the archaic "rule of law."
(I have issues with the Republicans too; they've been taking lessons on from the Taxocrats on spending and some of the Religious Right receive messages from Saturn on their bridgework. Still, better gonnorhea than syphillis.)
Once Bill Buckley was introduced for a speech by a Texas A&M professor, who had done his homework. The last county in Texas to vote for Lyndon Johnson was Duval County, and those boxes came in last, waiting to see how many votes would be needed to send Landslide Lyndon into office.
Bill Buckey's grandfather was sheriff of Duval County. He died in 1906. He voted for LBJ.
A preview of our next election
Fox News gives us
Men Wheel Dead Roommate to Check Cashing Store, Arrested for Trying to Cash His Social Security CheckI suppose that this is will take the place of hanging chads, dimpledchads, chads of indeterminate mind, and chads which have not decided ontheir sexual orientation yet in the next hotly contested election whenDemocrats have a lot to lose.
Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?
Quote:Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?
And why not? Illinois made a horse's ass a senator.
Where was I...., Oh anyway.... An equaler member of the party can become even more equal by distributing limbs and entrails of useless filthy dog republicans to the peace loving peoples. By spreading the wealth to the less successful a bond of honor is accomplished. The proles can then be trained to mimic speech "HOOOO...PEH", "OOOO...BOM...AHH" and such. Yes it is true. They soon learn that the hand feeding them is extended from the gloriously generous revolutionary party leader. And now dedicated to the cause forever.
Brain in a JarIllinois made a horse's ass a senator.
Not only the current one, but the sanctimonious Paul Simon, Carol Mosley Braun and just about all of the other ones too.
What an excellent Idea! Just as the dead vote democrat, we should demand that liberal Senators stay in power for life AND death!
Who can imagine anyone other than Teddy as the Senior Senator from Taxsachusetts. After Teddy gets his Kennedy Memorial State Health Program passed into law, he will definitely remain in the Senate, voting democrat with the other two Junior Senators from his state.
What a glorious plan for the glorious revolution.
I thought being a horse's ass was a Constitutional requirement for anyone running for political position instead of being appointed by our enlightened elites. Of course, this set expression is inherently discriminatory to horses--surely Mr. Ed will defend himself in court against this slander!--so I propose "animal's ass."
Bias removed, personal experience (and, I assume, collective experience) indicates that "ass' ass" is more frequently apt than "elephant's ass."
I do acknowledge that when I assume, I make an ass out of you and me, as the military taught me.
The first rule of a good commissar is to assume. Whatever you want; it doesn't matter. Because you will never pay the price. Repeat after me: someone else pays.
The Cube is the home of shiftless, irresponsible, shallow, vain, and greedy people. We are a distillation of the modern Democratic party.
If we were brain dead we'd be a distillation of the Republican party.
Before I continue further, let me say "Impailing for the Public Good" has much socio-economic potential. I expect it will prove more motivational than "Chicken Soup for the Soul" and an Oprabama propaganda session.
But to continue, I must disagree about military experience. I was able to play it as a case of victimhood that won me grade inflation and other benefits in my student days. Many academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
TovarichMany academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
This helps explain a lot. When a student at Rice, I got to know some of the professors socially. A very small school with a very high professor-to-student ratio. I was amazed at the battles over things which even I, at 21, thought worthless. Kissinger said that being SoS was easy after being on the Harvard faculty.
Pedagogy is terribly, crucially important but it can also be a sinecure for fearful people without a good sense of themselves. Which helps explain their bitchy responses, like a teased snake.
3,000 Dead Voters Still Registered In Miami Valley
Power to the Obamazombies!
"No one can explain how dead people remain on the active rolls for years or how they vote from beyond the grave. We asked a local election officials if these are simply paperwork errors or something more sinister like voter fraud? Steve Harsman explains that true voter fraud is more rare than mistakes.
Harsman said, "In most cases, it's human error. That Boards of Elections will go in and delete the wrong person, or not delete them, or get their records mix-matched."
Voters never die. They merely vote Democrat.
Early exit polls suggest that cadavers are voting overwhelmingly for Obama! The DeMAOcratic Party's 'dig up some votes" campaign seems to be working! Fear the Reaper, he's a registered DeMAOcrat!
What about the entire city of New Orleans, before Katrina?
For example why do we confine the right of the dead to vote to only the dead who lived in a certain jurisdiction at one time?
Why do we prevent the votes of the dead from re settling to where they can do the most good for the People?
We need to make this issue of posthumous relocation a priority before 2012. Just in case our plan to do away with the secret ballot is foiled.
Commissar TheocritusI take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.
On your first point, it is obvious that the Union dead would The Party. Even a bitterclinger will remember that the U in USSR stands for Union; thus they could not argue against the fact that these Union dead would have a natural affinity for our side.
The Rebel dead obviously suffer from a great collective guilt. What better way to help wash this guilt clean than by support for our great and glorious Obamassiah?
On your second point with the cats, that point is well taken, assuming that they are politically reliable.
It also occurs to me that fictional characters are also given short shrift in the franchise of voting. I know that ACORN did try to correct this, but doubtless somewhere in America, Luke Skywalker was turned away from voting for The One.
With condolences from the Brutally Honest.