In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress.
Laika the Space Dog
I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.
Screw Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often!
Its so fun I'm voting twice!
Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional Democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare. Says Democratic contender Bob Casey Jr: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"
"From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen. "This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base." Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"
Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter. "Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"
"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Good™. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."
Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Good™, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."
In other news:
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We would like to thank the entire Groupthink at the People's Cube and Communists For Kerry for contributing to this dead-on reporting.
Quote:I can’t read, but will pick the third option because I'm a bumbling idiot that likes the number three.
Chairman Meow S. PunIf Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!
General IvanDead means vote Red wooo -hooo !!!Field Marshall ???I see..... how many boot stomped peasant children did you have to run down for that???
Red SquareChairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power...."
Chairman Meow S. PunThis kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."
BranishSo can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
Iran Press News BlogSaeed Aboudi, deputy of legal affairs and birth records organization in an interview with the daily newspaper Tehran’eh Emrooz reported that the lack of voided birth certificates of a considerable percent of the dead to be a serious problem of the organization. The i.d.’s and birth certificates of the dead are bought and sold, their their photos are then removed and used for various things such as elections. Aboudi said: “To participate in the election the i.d.’s must have photos and polling branches officials must compare the photo with the individual who has shown up to vote and is presenting the i.d. and in the case of any misuse [of the i.d.], the authorities are legally bound to properly address the issue.”
Men Wheel Dead Roommate to Check Cashing Store, Arrested for Trying to Cash His Social Security CheckI suppose that this is will take the place of hanging chads, dimpledchads, chads of indeterminate mind, and chads which have not decided ontheir sexual orientation yet in the next hotly contested election whenDemocrats have a lot to lose.
Quote:Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?
Brain in a JarIllinois made a horse's ass a senator.
TovarichMany academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
Commissar TheocritusI take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.
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