In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
In my garage I have 20 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Democrat lever... they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for progress.
Laika the Space Dog
I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting Democrat from outer space on a special absentee ballot.
Screw Bruce. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 7th, coming to a Democratic-Party-controlled graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often!
Its so fun I'm voting twice!
Gearing up to unseat the Republican majority in both houses, Democratic candidates are trying to rally the traditional Democrat base by paying visits to as many cemeteries in their districts as can fit into their busy schedules, promising that Dead-Americans will all have decent jobs and affordable deathcare. Says Democratic contender Bob Casey Jr: "I have always championed Dead-American issues, and I promise to work even harder on behalf of this discriminated community to make sure that every dead vote is counted in Pennsylvania and elsewhere in this great nation of ours!"
"From all these campaign ads I learned that if I don't vote Democrat I'll die, but then if I die I'll be voting Democrat anyway, so it's a win-win for Democrats. I don't see how Republicans can do anything in this situation."
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, humid ground," said Jim Webb at a recent rally held in one of Richmond's largest cemeteries. An inspiring Democrat from Virginia, Jim Webb launched a successful "Give the Dead a Living" campaign that allowed him to gain a lot of ground on his opponent George Allen. "This country needs mandatory healthcare and prescription drug coverage for our voting base." Jim Webb said at the rally that was also attended by a special guest, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. "It's a cause so powerful that it bleeds my heart to the point of near voting Democrat!"
Democratic candidate Claire McCaskill, speaking at one of historical Missouri graveyards, went as far as opening an old grave and parading what appeared to be a female corpse to the public, as it was propped from both sides by McCaskill's campaign manager and her speechwriter. "Marjorie Libby Rall is your typical American corpse," McCaskill said into the microphone with a tear in her eye. "She may be silent, non-responsive and has a particular odor that can make one gag. She was born in 1765 to a family of moon shiners. A simple small town girl, Margie was always on the forefront advocating for ethanol and alternative fuels, as well as gay marriage, recycling of embryos, high taxes, and universal health coverage. She understood that world peace can ensue only when America lays down her arms. Margie sadly passed away in 1835 and has been voting Democrat ever since. Thank you, Margie Libby Rall. Together we can ensure that Margie is given prescription medication that she needs to be able to vote Democrat. Wouldn't you want the same when you vote Democrat?"
"These loyal yet silent advocates of progress may not be with us in this lifetime, but I guarantee they are looking down on us from that big CCCP in the sky and intend to save us all from tax cuts, defense spending, and moral values. Why deny this diverse group of Party faithful prescription drug coverage and access to healthcare facilities? Let us remember the service the necro-proxies give to us when they cast their multiple ballots for the Party and the Common Good™. Let us make sure they are heavily medicated as they vote, and are given the best doctors tax-payer money can buy."
Experts predict a record turnout of dead voters who will cast their ballot for progress and the Common Good™, helping Democrats to win 435 House seats and 100 Senate seats this November. "The living can't be trusted on any of the important issues," says Democratic strategist James Carville. "The dead are our base and we should stick with it."
In other news:
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
Soros, Ahmadinejad To Provide Financial Aid To Dead Students
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," contends Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
We would like to thank the entire Groupthink at the People's Cube and Communists For Kerry for contributing to this dead-on reporting.
Quote:I can’t read, but will pick the third option because I'm a bumbling idiot that likes the number three.
Chairman Meow S. PunIf Her Excellency catches word of that comment, I am afraid your nanners is going to have to go without social security for a very long time. Beware the AARP comrade, beware!
General IvanDead means vote Red wooo -hooo !!!Field Marshall ???I see..... how many boot stomped peasant children did you have to run down for that???
Red SquareChairman - may I suggest that in addition to using available infrastructure, the aforementioned apparatchicks extinguish themselves collectively by "...taping wires from portable telephones to each other's genitals and turning up the power...."
Chairman Meow S. PunThis kinder, gentler term to describe someone's demise is quickly replacing such previously popular euphemisms as "in a better place," "bought the farm," or "pushing daisies." For example, "Castro is still alive and will not be voting Democrat in this election."
BranishSo can I say that the Iraqis have found our great President Saddam guilty and have sentenced him to vote Democratic?
Iran Press News BlogSaeed Aboudi, deputy of legal affairs and birth records organization in an interview with the daily newspaper Tehran’eh Emrooz reported that the lack of voided birth certificates of a considerable percent of the dead to be a serious problem of the organization. The i.d.’s and birth certificates of the dead are bought and sold, their their photos are then removed and used for various things such as elections. Aboudi said: “To participate in the election the i.d.’s must have photos and polling branches officials must compare the photo with the individual who has shown up to vote and is presenting the i.d. and in the case of any misuse [of the i.d.], the authorities are legally bound to properly address the issue.”
Men Wheel Dead Roommate to Check Cashing Store, Arrested for Trying to Cash His Social Security CheckI suppose that this is will take the place of hanging chads, dimpledchads, chads of indeterminate mind, and chads which have not decided ontheir sexual orientation yet in the next hotly contested election whenDemocrats have a lot to lose.
Quote:Didn't Caligula make his horse a senator?
Brain in a JarIllinois made a horse's ass a senator.
TovarichMany academics are also spineless, so the knowledge that this student was "trained to kill" might have helped as well.
Commissar TheocritusI take your point, Dr. Nyet. Why cannot we vote say the entire Civil War armies? Wherever they would be the most useful. I also have two cats, Calvin and Hobbes, who have a more intelligent look in their eyes than did Obama Girl. Why not let them vote? And cats have nine lives, you know. That's 18 votes.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
The Fine Report
Sad Hill News
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Death By 1000 Papercuts