Scientists have finally identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.
After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican brains for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happens to a brain that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment. The composite sketch (left) is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.In a deformed Republican (capitalist) brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) are miniaturized - while other regions become bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe).
Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that democracy is the best known form of government, that capitalism creates wealth, that American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, that people all over the world desire liberty and prosperity, that Third World countries should be self-reliant, that moral standards are absolute and objective, that the individual supersedes the collective, that parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, and similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane. Everyone knows that the complete opposite is true.
As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.
Karl Marx Treatment Center researchers are optimistic about finding a vaccine that will prevent this degenerative anomaly among children and the marginally afflicted, allowing their brains to be equal in structure, size, and content with those of healthy progressive individuals. A Center spokesperson indicated that the following therapies have proven effective in clinical trials, and will benefit those in need of treatment:
If the above doesn't work, the researchers recommend that the afflicted receive a free trial subscription to The New York Times. If they renew, they will be considered cured.
A composite sketch of a socialist liberal Democrat brain has been completed. It took twice as much time to map it because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican brain.
Now in our store:
Quote:We all have complete trust in our glorious savior, Mr. Bush, and rightly so. Hail! Hail! Hail!
Toop-loving baby killer Yaysmugness, who values national defense over the trillions and trillions of dollars that we have spent on entitlement programs and who is against spending more trillions on more entitlement programs which we need to enslave more people,Why worry about the massive debt America has wallowed in since we raised spending on the military?
Warmonger Yaysmugness, who denies the awesome leadership of Mayor Nagin,Why should we help our citizens in New Orleans? They have hands, rebuild your own damn city!
Bush-loving Christofascist scumbag, Yaysmugness, who, by the way, is an intolerant piece of poop who wishes to live free at the expense of others,Why should we worry about our environment? It isn't like we gain anything from it.
Warmongering pig, Yaysmugness,A failing education system?
Imperial Warmonger, Yaysmugness,We all have complete trust in our glorious savior, Mr. Bush, and rightly so. Hail! Hail! Hail!
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