Scientists have finally identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.
After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican brains for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happens to a brain that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment. The composite sketch (left) is final, undeniable proof that Republicanism is a direct result of a degenerative brain mutation.In a deformed Republican (capitalist) brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) are miniaturized - while other regions become bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe).
Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that a republic is the best known form of government, that capitalism creates wealth, that American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, that people all over the world desire liberty and prosperity, that Third World countries should be self-reliant, that moral standards are absolute and objective, that the individual supersedes the collective, that parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, and similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane. Everyone knows that the complete opposite is true.
As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.
Karl Marx Treatment Center researchers are optimistic about finding a vaccine that will prevent this degenerative anomaly among children and the marginally afflicted, allowing their brains to be equal in structure, size, and content with those of healthy progressive individuals. A Center spokesperson indicated that the following therapies have proven effective in clinical trials, and will benefit those in need of treatment:
- A class in Social Studies at Columbia University.
- Regular intake of unbiased NPR programming (e.g., Fresh Air or News Hour)
- Exposure to a healthy and nourishing culture, including heavy doses of the Vagina Monologues, or any of the award-winning movies and documentaries (Brokeback Mountain, Transamerica, Syriana, Good Night and Good Luck, etc.) produced by progressive Hollywood filmmakers.
- "Tough love" employment practices that will deny patients career advancement and higher-education opportunities while their brains self-heal to a normal progressive state.
If the above doesn't work, the researchers recommend that the afflicted receive a free trial subscription to The New York Times. If they renew, they will be considered cured.
A composite sketch of a socialist liberal Democrat brain has been completed. It took twice as much time to map it because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican brain.
Now in our store:
dissident agitator #96
MainZamPolit of USSA
For the obstinate who fail to self-re-educate by means outlined above there still remains the ultimate progressive solution!
In Comradess H.R.Cleenton's Global Village - a massive new Internal Affairs Basement will be built under the Capitol Mall.
It will be named Lubianka II into which all republikan reactionaries and assorted capitalists will be taken and permanently cured of their mental disease with one treatment! We will prevail in eliminating all whose genetic material may render them even slightly above average. There is no room for individualists in Utopia!
M-ZiP CCCPee -er, USSA.
I too was worried, but, thanks to the belief in the glorious leader H.R. Klinton, how wondrously protected I feel!
Village -Useful- Idiot
Comrade Leaders of KMTC's P'sC:
Please consider for examples of superior SLD brains (besides Clintons, Kerry, Kennedy, Reid, Soreus, K.K.K. Byrd, etc). some of the finest of the left; those capable of seeing through the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy's mind control and brainwashing; capable of seeing the truth and reality as it really is. C. Me Sheehan or Harry Bellyfonty - capable of seeing right through the reactionary propaganda: "Iranian president calls for extermination of Israel" - Harry B.'s mind is able to translate this immediately from right-wing propaganda into the socialist truth:
"G.W. Bush is a nazi".
Such brains can only be deemed as that of genius produced by in the socialist utopia and village communes.
Yours in perpetual revolution,
Except, that is, if one is a woman. Now pay attention for I am at the vanguard of progressyve thought- If one is a woman, then they are not a prisoner of their genes but are, in fact, equal (if not better) to a man. This includes both the mental and physical realm....
General Uri Mindbender
There are quite a few people who are walking around in Marxton with deformed brains like the ones listed above. I am going to need some assistance in sending them off to the renown Columbia University for treatment. Let me know if you can help me out.
Quote:We all have complete trust in our glorious savior, Mr. Bush, and rightly so. Hail! Hail! Hail!
THOUGHTCRIME!!!! Comrade smugness, you're new here so I'll spare you and your wallet this time but if you're going to be any sort of progressive you must realize that EVERYTHING IS BUSH'S FAULT!!!!
Your sarcasm is only matched by your idiocy. Although you took perfect democrat form citing all these problems, blaming them on bush, and then expecting the government to fix everything. And by the way, a failing education system is the fault of your democrat friends forcing kids into failure factories called public schools by screwing parents who aren't rich enough for private schools, or don't have the time for home schooling.
Toop-loving baby killer Yaysmugness, who values national defense over the trillions and trillions of dollars that we have spent on entitlement programs and who is against spending more trillions on more entitlement programs which we need to enslave more people,Why worry about the massive debt America has wallowed in since we raised spending on the military?
Well I’m certainly worried about it, fascist warmonger! That money could’ve been used to subsidize more people to fuel our feudal socialist Nanny State! We need that money for a vast array of government programs designed to target certain segments of society and transform them into lazy uneducated Democrat voters. We need to make the Bureaucratic Entitlement Complex larger so that total government dependency can ensue and that the Party – in all it’s power, glory and sheer majesty – can continue to entrench itself and slowly rewrite the Constitution to reflect a more progressive and open-minded living, breathing Document – kind of like the Constitution of the old Soviet Union or like the DPRK.
Trust us, warmonger – there are plenty of useful idiots out their willing to trade in their liberties for a loaf of bread. And luckily for us we have them under our thumb… FOREVER!
Warmonger Yaysmugness, who denies the awesome leadership of Mayor Nagin,Why should we help our citizens in New Orleans? They have hands, rebuild your own damn city!
No! That city will be rebuilt by chocolate hands to ensure that Mayor Nagin’s dream of a “Chocolate City” can be realized! So help us if we see some white cracker bastard – who owns a gun, engages in heterosexual activity and who voted Republican or was thinking about voting Republican – dare even try to rob Mayor Nagin of his dream! Mayor Nagin is the Party’s Mayor and a true testament of tried and true Party leadership! He is a HERO, warmonger! A hero!
Bush-loving Christofascist scumbag, Yaysmugness, who, by the way, is an intolerant piece of poop who wishes to live free at the expense of others,Why should we worry about our environment? It isn't like we gain anything from it.
We need to do much more than worry about the environment, warmonger. We also need to REGULATE those who dare use more carbon than others. We need to tax more people, open up more agencies, hire more inspectors, expand government authority and, eventually, seize private property at will to ensure that America is no longer a prosperous and productive nation. Oh, and by the way, you should be off your computer, warmonger, since you are contributing to the problem.
Warmongering pig, Yaysmugness,A failing education system?
Yes, our education system is failing because we aren’t paying our failing teachers enough money – nor are we giving them enough vacation time which is *critical* to success in the classroom. What we need to do is offer a litany of ineffective programs designed to increase teacher salary all the while keeping the teachers out of the classroom. Also, we need a little program that I designed called Condoms in the Classroom to promote teen-pregnancy and more promiscuity. That alone will help bolster dropouts and therefore give us more slaves to subsidize and march to the polls to vote Democrat. In order for us to win elections we need an uneducated populace incapable of forming and opinion without the help of Jon Stewart, CNN, Keith Olbermann, etc. We also need subsidized state-ran daycare centers so we can begin watering down minds and keep kids away from their parents so that the state can rear children to become good Socialist just like us.
Let’s pour more money into crappy education so we can promote a lifetime of useful idiocy. We need to reward failure with more money, which alone is the solution!
Imperial Warmonger, Yaysmugness,We all have complete trust in our glorious savior, Mr. Bush, and rightly so. Hail! Hail! Hail!
Our glorious savior is Mr. Hillary Rodham Clinton who will deliver us from “responsibility”, “work” and “thinking” once and for all. Soon everyone will be totally dependent on the government and will praise the Nanny State for Her benevolence in protecting us from ourselves. Soon we will ban smoking, drinking, eating and other forms of “bad habits” in order to promote a healthy, functioning utopia. We will also ban ownership of firearms to prevent the citizenry from resisting our cures for societies ailments – just like the Soviets and the Nazis did! Why, an armed citizenry can resist our use of jackbooted enforcers when we send them out to crack skulls and, well, we can’t have that! We also need to remove religion and any other form of “worship” from the public so that the immediate worship of Dear Leader Hillary will ensue. As for Bush? Well, he will have to answer to the World Court once we surrender our life, liberty and property to the U.N which has our best interest at heart. If anything we should willingly follow the dictates of other nations – who hate everything America stands for, of course – to ensure that they rise to prominence while we go the way of Dinosaurs. If anything we should just surrender to tyranny, oppression and the blessings of a Socialist way of life which, as we all know, keeps the millions of North Koreans happy with full bellies and bright smiles for their Dear Leader. Ahh yes, progress sure is nice. I can’t wait to be fitted for my shackles!
Please stay a while, Yaysmugness, and continue to bask in all the glories that will come when we hand over our freedom and everything this nation stands for in order to get free housing, food stamps, sex, drugs and whatever else the State can dangle in our face. Equality of opportunity!? HELL NO! WE WANT EQUALITY OF OUTCOME, DAMMIT, AND WE WANT IT NOW!
Where's the Republican Smugness Lobe?
And while you are at it don't forget to add the Democrat Worry Lobe.
<wrings hands, paces back and forth, unable to get dying Polar Bears, the national debt, global warming, Katrina, the poor, and the lack of proper health care out of Laika's brain, and knowing somewhere out there sits a smug Republican who takes great delight in knowing that poor Laika has nothing better to do than worry all day For The Common Good™>