Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls this November. To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers' Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all. But how can this be achieved if nobody in the progressive community can read the old Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?
The New Modern Library, our affiliate that brought you Tolstoy's War and Peace - What's the Difference?, Ptolemy for Dummies, Dickens' A Tale of Two Glorious Cities: Leningrad & Stalingrad, and Dante's The Divine Limbo, has also brought that old curmudgeon, The Bible, up to date in a new, progressive edition.
We've done away with the traditional Synoptic Gospels - i.e., the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian. This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship.
Since the collapse of the Tower of Babel, a number of groups and individuals have challenged the mainstream account of the event as an "act of God." Although God may indeed have had a motive to destroy it in the legal sense, a Babel conspiracy theory generally refers to a belief in a broad cabal, in which the attacks were executed by powerful groups often including government agencies or an alleged secret global network. A claim that Jews didn't show up for work that day has been widely reported. Many progressive Christians challenging the official account identify as part of the Babel Truth Movement.
Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre."
Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:
All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. Everybody has some point of view, nobody knows anymore than anybody else, and everybody is right. We leave out any opinion that might smack of narrow-minded and provincial ethical piety.
The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past.
The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions.
Quote:...and the Proletariat spoke unto Joshua saying "Jericho is a quagmire" and "No Blood for Milk and Honey".
BranishIf I can make a few suggestions for the Progressive Bible to include:
Quote:Is there a Book of Armaments in this new bible?
Quote:"And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
Quote:This calls for wisdom obtainable only through a liberal arts degree: let anyone with understanding calculate the the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six. For all others, I will make it simple. It is George Bush.
Cave CanemOne of my favorite parts is when Lenin changes water into vodka at the Party pogrom.
Matthew RakosiI found a disgusting thing! The last winter holidays, one of the liberal politicians send this holiday-card for the voters: http://gemenc.hu/sajtoklub/Horngabor.JPG
Comrade Che Cure BootyThe queue is now forming for Party approved Holy Cards.
Red SquareThe New Bible has many aspects and stories we were unable to include due to format constrains. The Holy Trinity, for instance, is redefined as Marx (the Father), Lenin (the Son), and the Communist Party (the Holy Ghost).
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