I was watching CNN, like any good Progressive, last night, with my personal favorite Larry King. His guest, for the 87th time, was the Holy Al Gore, High Priest of the First Church of Climatology, and that most progressive of progressives. My hero.

Larry: Al, I understand that you have a new yacht!

The Holy Gore: That's right, Larry. It's called the Bio-Solar One, and it's the king of Center Hill Lake in Smithville.

Larry: You're the conscience of the planet, earth, the high priest of Gaia. You deserve a yacht.

The Holy Gore: I think so. People have said to me why have bio-diesel when there's no bio-diesel on the lake, but I'm in talks with the Obama administration to install bio-diesel on every lake, pond and horse trough as part of the Stimulus Bill.

Larry: Al, wasn't there a problem with your yacht when people saw it didn't have any solar panels?

The Holy Gore: That has been exaggerated way out of proportion. I have a solar still on board. Also I have a telescope on the top. I keep looking for flying saucers. You know that I was born nine months after Roswell, don't you? Our friends from space have answers for us, you know, and anyway I want to get my family's medical history.

Larry: Yes, Al, I heard that when you were born. Do you spend a lot of time on the boat?

The Holy Gore: Not as much as I used to, Larry. The lake is getting full of creepy people. Whenever I went ashore I'd hear people muttering about that lunatic's huge rubber ducky with the evil eye. I am a brave man, Larry—did you know that I was in the military?

Larry: Yes, Al, I know that.

The Holy Gore: I was a journalist, Larry. I can write! It's not true that my book was written by someone else. Every day I take the cap off a pen at least five times!

Larry: Good for you, Al!

The Holy Gore: Part of the Stimulus Bill will be a Cabinet level post for carpal-tunnel syndrome, Larry.

Larry: Al, some nattering nabobs of negativity have noticed that during your last few speeches on global warming there have been record cold spells, and that the earth is actually the coolest it's been in years. What do you say to that?

The Holy Gore: I say that reading thermometers is very subjective, Larry. In fact the Obama administration has instructed the National Weather Service to institute modern educational reforms. All the meteorologists will be given grades: Correct, or Learning in Progress. I'm still convinced that there is going to be enough global warming that the seas will rise over the top of the Empire State Building.

Larry: Where did you hear that?

The Holy Gore: One night I was on the BS1 looking for flying saucers and I found one! It was doing sky-writing. “Beloved son, in whom I am well pleased, the seas will rise once a day or in some places twice a day!”

Larry: Al, isn't that the, uh, tide?

The Holy Gore: Larry, there were no tides before the internal-combustion engine, and all internal-combustion engines must be turned off, except of course for the engine on the BS1 and my Escalade and all the limos that are left idling while I give a speech on how the internal-combustion engine will ruin the world and cause the stars to collide with each other. It's the internal-combustion engine that did that. Just who was this Homer to talk about tides?

Larry: Al, I hear you have another project, and that's saving the forests.

The Holy Gore: That's right, Larry. We are using too many trees. People are using too many paper napkins and disposable paper products. It's making the cost of paper rise to the point that people cannot afford a copy of my book for every table and flat surface in their house. You know, Larry, that I did write that book.

Larry: I know you did, Al, I know you did.

The Holy Gore: Watch me uncap my pen, Larry! See that?!

Larry: You've gotten good at that Al. I remember when…

The Holy Gore: See? See? I'm on a roll, Larry, and I'm not even tired, except my eyes get crossed sometimes…

Larry: Al, what's your suggestion for saving paper?

The Holy Gore: Don't blow your nose. Just sniff. I'm good at sniffing, Larry; I've been doing it for years.

Larry: [Laughing] We know, Al. No one sniffs better than you.

The Holy Gore: Watch this, Larry! [Gore sniffs for ten seconds.] The only problem, Larry, is that when I sniff I can't see anyone who's not a Senator or a Graham or a Sulzberger for ten minutes.

Larry: I know what you mean Al. Any other suggestions?

The Holy Gore: That's right. Sheryl Crow said she only uses one square of toilet paper. I can do her one better. One sheet better.

Larry: How's that?

The Holy Gore: Don't wipe your ass at all! I don't, and people should be honored to smell my shit because my shit doesn't stink! After all, look what brown did for me!

Larry: I take your point, Al, I take your point.

Fearless and Generous leader, I am surprised that Comrade King was not offering the Gorical a Back rub.


Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality Inc
Director of Kicking doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the faith

You have to be very careful giving the Holy Gore a backrub. The stick that's shoved up his butt might infect his intestines.

It's so wonderful to hear from the Holy Gore again. I remember when he performed his first miracle, back when he was still the Goracle.

America lost a great president when it did not riot after BusHitler stole the 2000 election from him. Imagine the nerve of the Supreme Court thinking it had the right to decide these matters. How dare the Court not respect the will of the people and allow continued recounts until enough Gore ballots could be found to swing the election. It was a travesty of justice. Thank (someone) that Obama arrived to cleanse us of that sin and lower the oceans that were rising because we made Gaia angry by rejecting her favorite talk show guest and Oscar winner.

Speaking of which, it saddens and suprises me that His Oneness has not found a position of honor in the most ethical of administrations for the Goracle. Surely a position could be found for him, even if it is on his knees under the big desk in the oval office. Has an ambassador to Jupiter been chosen yet? Perhaps a new cabinet secretariat can be created: Secretary of Eating Steak and Farting Constantly. Surely a few billion or so can be found in the 3.7 Trillion dollar Light-Democratic-Cigars-With-Hundreds-And-Stimulate Bill to provide a nice little office for him plus a few hundred thousand staff people. Look at all the jobs that would be created right there!

Thank you, Joe, for the picture. I used it elsewhere.

Opiate, for the Holy Gore nothing but the best. He needs to be ambassador to <i>Saturn</i>. It has those rings you know. They're bright and shiny and the envy of all the other planets, so they're perfect for the Holy Gore. And you know that all the moonbats fearless truth warriors like Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews have superheterodyne headgear which receives only orders from Saturn.

I think that we should add in an appropriation to Alcoa to develop a tin-foil which is not judgmental or discriminatory and that receives, without prejudice, signals not only from Saturn, but Jupiter, Neptune and Your Anus as well. I do not mean to disesteem Hero Space Dog Laika, who shall rule as the Queen of all Tin Foil Hats. But there's a choir, out there, for Lenin's sake, a goddamned choir, and we need multi-band tin-foil hats.

Commissar Theocritus!

Sadly, I missed the Larry King - Al Gore interview, I puke everytime I watch CNN I had a stomach ache.

I sure hope that I didn't miss it when Larry asked Al for his version as to why he was kicked out of Vanderbilt University twice? Did Al mention how much his armed escort cost his senator daddy for the short time he was in Vietnam as a military journalist? Did he manage to reconcile his obsession with carbon emissions despite the fact that he and his deceased senator father's massive portfolio is mostly from Occidental Petroleum? Did he let it slip mention that Occidental's eccentric owner; Armand Hammer's father founded the Communist Party USA and before his death acknowledged carrying millions of dollars in cash from Moscow to fund the CPUSA? Was Larry interested in why a "cum laude" graduate from Harvard got a D in earth science and how this was parlayed into expertise in climatology?

No, Robot, CNN didn't show that. There were a lot of commercials that night. Every time Al's finger would go toward his nose we'd see Billy Mays advertising OxyClean. For a while Larry would say four words, the camera would go to the Holy Gore, who would stare at the ceiling and his finger would crawl toward his nose. And then a commercial. Once they ran Billy Mays with the voice of Vince with ShamWow! It was creepy.

When his finger wasn't stealing toward his nose his makeup was running in the corners of his mouth down to his chin and there was a wet spot on his stomach. What could that be?

A solar still, probably for making ethanol, for fuel use. Because everyone knows that if you drink the ethanol, you must pay the tax. And Everybody also knows that Democrats don't pay taxes. So I'm certain that not a drop of that ethanol fuel ever gets diverted for human consumption.

Personally comrades, I still believe I can go further with the alcohol in my stomach, rather than my gas tank. But I'm an old school Soviet.

Freewheelin' Franklin: Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.