The phone rang, and Bruno ran to get it. If you can call what a 6'3" man in platform mules does running.

"Theocritus! It's that dried up vampire Nanski Belly Boobs!"

"Shut up, Bruno! She'll hear you." I ran over and grabbed the phone. "Nancy! Such a pleasure," I purred in my smoothest voice. "To what do I owe this honor?"

"Theocritus, Bonnie Fwank and I have been thinking..."

"Be careful, Nancy. You know what happened the last time that you did that."

"I know, I know, I don't do it much. I promise. I still remember a solid week in Jiffi-Lobo. Bonnie and I were thinking that it's just not dignified for the Democrat party to have a donkey as its symbol. I mean, we're tough, and we're determined but I heard someone calling us jackasses. And that won't do."

"What do you want to do about it, Nancy?"

"Duh, Theocritus...Just a second. My upper plate came out." After a few squishy sounds and some swearing, Nancy came back on. "Theocritus, we have to change our mascot. Better PR."

"What animal do you want, Nancy? A bald eagle?"

"No, no, no. That's a symbol of patriotism."

I started laughing. "You're right, Nancy, that won't do at all. Show me a Democrat patriot in Congress and I'll show you a ringer. No one who cared about the USSA could possibly have voted for that stimulus bill or the health care."

"You're right. We don't. It's payoff and the fools don't get it. Last night Bonnie, Harry and Chuckie S and I networked until dawn and we came up with the perfect symbol for the Democrat Party."

"What is it Nancy? I can hardly wait!"

"It's the crab louse! It's perfect. Put one of us on the body politic and soon there are thousands. We lay eggs all over it. And we don't do a damned thing except multiply and and suck blood. The crab louse."

"Brilliant, Nancy," I cried. "Let's do it. Truth in advertising! You're the most transparent legislator in history!"

Bruno asked, "Theocritus, you remember the time that I got the crabs and you had to have the house treated twice, don't you? And there were still some crabs left. Why would you want the crab louse as a mascot?"

"Because you can't get rid of them, Bruno, because you can't get rid of them. And AmeriKKKa can't get rid of us. We'll suck all the blood out and turn everyone into a crab louse, crawling over everything, laying eggs, and sucking blood, and soon the entire world is made of nothing but crab lice. We'll never go away."

"But what happens when there's no more blood to suck?" Bruno asked.

"That's George Bush's fault, you silly queen. Haven't you learned anything?"

Obama bless you, Nanski! This will do wonders for the self-esteem of the crab lice. For too long, they have been sneered at by hateful entomophobics who berated them for living in public pubic housing. Now, thanks to Nanski's courageous gesture, they can come out of her the nether world and into the forefront of society where they belong!

Who will sponsor the first equal rights for crab lice bill? When is the first voter registration drive? When will we have the first crab louse governor? We must get the crab louse on the fast track to hiring preferences in all federal jobs and university admissions (that last one may not be necessary as they are already well represented in those areas, eh?) The Party has opened the door to crab louse freedom and in return they will vote for us in huge majorities, guaranteeing us a permanent progressive majority for generations (not to mention making us proud of ourselves, again.)

Ah, Theocritus, this is a great day for us and our brothers and sisters in arms, the crab lice. (They don't reproduce asexaully, do they? I'd hate to spoil the celebration with a political faux pas by assuming there are males and females. Please ask Nanski to call her crab lice contacts and find out.)

This is soooo much better than the jackass! Who doesn't like to sleep next to a warm'n crunchy bloodsucker. Another Alinsky brainstorm, no doubt.
Who said our dear Fraulein Nanski was brain-warped and full of plastic??

Our comrades at iowntheworld have also been considering some appropriate updates to the traditional democratic logo:

Opiate, let us assume that crab lice, like Democrats, can reproduce either sexually or by parthenogenesis or even that they are hermaphrodites. Personally I think that crab lice must be hermaphrodites--that way they can been both the oppressed and the oppressors. It's a twofer, you see.

My only worry is crab-louse jealousy. What's the old joke? How do you keep the [choose a race here] out of the country club? Let in one and he'll keep the others out. Will the crab lice in government and academe let the other crab lice rise to their place of preeminence?

I had another thought. This is another use for hairy hippy chicks, such as Janeane Gawdawfulo. She can harbor an entire congressional district.

Comrades, while the humble louse does indeed mirror our glorious movement there is a good reason why we chose the donkey as the mascot of the Democrat Party, it was the quintessential useful idiot. It carried the load while we sat comfortably in the shadows making our plans. Soon the time will be upon us when we can rid ourselves of these beasts of burden and step into the warm sunshine taking our true place at the head of all mankind.

Eins velt, eins volk, eins Reich.

Sieg!

Theocritus, a question: if a hermaphroditic crab louse sexually harrasses his/herself, can it sue his/herself for damages? Ah, no matter, our friends the trial lawyers will collect either way. Of course, a deep pocket defendant will have to be identified as crab lice are generally not wealthy. Let us all stipulate that any louse harrassment is presumed to take place on Exxon's property.

And if crab lice were voters Janeane Gawdawfulo might be the California of the crab lice nation. All those sumptuous lousy electoral votes permanently Democrat....

Whoopie, you have a good point, the donkey was the symbol of the useful idiot but now, their usefulness is in the past so like all useful idiots, it is off to the dog food factory with them. Crab lice are the future of the Party; eating away at the pubic hair of capitalism until it can no longer think of pillaging the poor and oppressed but must spend the whole day scratching itself silly. A fitting symbol for our principles!

Opiate, you bring up a good point. If a hermaphroditic crab louse harasses itself, what happens? Yes, that is abuse. That also means that every instance of onanism is actionable. Every teenaged boy who abuses himself is liable to himself for damages. He'll have to pay his Wii or PS3 to himself for abuse, minus of course the cut to the Texas Rural Legal Aid or the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Since we are in the era of Thoughtcrime(tm), does that mean that if I look on someone and feel the vaguest stirrings, that that would be actionable? Some years ago, after many trips to the gym, I looked in the mirror and said, "I'd do you." Does that mean that I can sue myself for harassment? That was about the same time that the Ur-Bruno did actually give me crab lice. Can I manage to collect on me? What is the statute of limitations on ogling? Is onanistic ogling ever barred by limitation?

The important thing though is to remember that the Democrat party has, with its pandering to, inter alia, SEIU and every grasping victim group, become the party of crab lice. Let's never forget that the donkey is strong and capable, whereas crab lice and mean and smutty and small.

The perfect progressive mascot.

Crabalicious!

Now this, comrades, is a mascot a rooster can really sink his beak into!

Hail Obama!

Thank you, sir. I've lifted that for <a href="https://www.jessicaswell.com/mt/archive ... s">here</a>.

You are most welcome, Glorious Theocritus

Please note that the version you lifted was the beta version, I made some important changes in the final release. You need to update your page.

Amandla

Obamugabe

Thank you, sir. I have updated it.

Do not read me out of the party for thanking you for something that I've stolen. That's very unprog.

Most Equal post Theocritus. Perhaps we could travel to South Park and borrow some of the Lice from the glorious Crotch of Angelina Joile? We could use them as mascots for the Fair- Complexioned Post-Negronics Reich.

Comrade Theocritus,

You came up with this mascot just in time for the Massutaxus elections. Crabs will be far more effective in keeping Republicans from going to the polls to vote than union thugs. And unlike Democrats, Republicans won't be able to stand the itching, and will want to de-lice themselves ASAP, whereas Democrats will just scratch their itches and go about their day, as usual.

I think that the Democrat women get used to it with all that fur, you know--what's a lice colony?

I didn't know that there was a <i>South Park</i> episode about Angelina Jolie. My DVR gets that show and I'll have to search for it. Have you seen the one about the Harley riders and their need for attention? But the best of all are J-Lo and Paris Hilton--"Stupid, Spoiled Whore."