Image

Biden Interview: Details of the Gutsy Raid

User avatar
I was finally granted access to the vice president for an interview. All across the American collective, men, wymin, and others were wondering what really happened that fateful day when our very own Dear Leader killed Osama bin Laden and single handedly ended world terrorism. "Fightin' Joe" Biden was there, and he was anxious to share his firsthand account now that the time for secrecy had passed. A secret service agent paused while checking the exchange rate between US dollars and Colombian pesos, and showed me into the VP's office. Biden grinned affably, so I put on my sunglasses and stumbled slightly until the temporary blindness passed. We shook hands and got down to business.

Biden: Glad you could make it, Blogunov. We only interview with people who report the truth as we see it, and when I heard you were from the Cube, I said, "That's the man for the interview!" And I'm glad you're interviewing with me. Obama's a complete imbecile and everybody knows it. The man doesn't know when to shut up. Me, I'm a pro, and I think the president's intellect never shone like it did when he chose me as his running mate. What were we talking about again?

Blogunov: Our readers wanted to hear your account of the raid into Pakistan on May 2nd of last year.

Biden: Oh, that raid! Well, we almost had to do it without any backup. The SEALs were timid and hesitant to go in after the world's most wanted terrorist, so I said, "Hey, maybe you guys need to go back to Coronado and push around some more logs!" I pulled a telephone pole out of the ground and flung it at 'em to show 'em I meant business. Look, nobody messes with Joe. That shamed them into finding a little backbone. So finally the team leader says he'll go but only if the president and I lead the assault.

Blogunov: Where was the president when you first heard that bin Laden's whereabouts were known?

Biden: Oh, he was out strolling on some green spaces. It's all part of his plan to save the environment he inherited from Bush. Anyway, once I told him the situation, he said in that reverberating tone of his, "I'll be right there!" When we heard the blades of his golf cart slapping the air in the distance, I can't tell you how encouraged those men on SEAL Team VI were. Take the team leader, Daryl Ferguson, 2783 Hillview Court, Smyrna, Georgia, 30080. At least that's where his wife and children live when he's away like the mission he's on now in Caracas. Old Daryl said it inspired him with hope of success for the first time when he saw the president's face.

Blogunov: At that point you began to set up for the attack?

Biden: Well, almost. See, most of these SEALs were young, inexperienced operators, not a seasoned senator like me, so there was naturally some fear and trepidation, and two of 'em dropped out.

Blogunov: And then?

Biden: That's when the president, bravest man I ever saw, revved the engine on his golf cart and began shouting "Hope and Change!" The SEALs that were still in the fight shouted back, "Yes, we can!" It was like that scene in Return of the Rings when Gollum rallies those hobbits on horseback to attack the elves.

Blogunov: Inspiring.

Biden: And it gets better. I reached for my Beretta #1 wood, teed up the ball, and drove it right through the lock on the front door shattering the doorknob into a million brass fragments. The president then drove his cart into the opening achieving total tactical surprise. That's when bin Laden came out shouting "Infidels! Infidels! You are invading my home!" I shouted back in Arabic, "Yeah? You're the real infidel – you invaded our country! And guess what, Bush isn't the president anymore and you've got to deal with us!" He stood there in shame while the president teed up and sent two Bridgestones into his chest and one into his head with a, get this, #3 iron! Most impressive shot I ever saw.

Blogunov: What happened next?

Biden: Then some pretty awestruck SEALs came in to take the pictures and pick up the body. They were just amazed at what a team the president and I were and they'd constantly praise us for our bravery and expertise. I have to admit, it got a little embarrassing after a while.

Blogunov: It seems the mission was a stunning success.

Biden: Oh, you know it! But out of modesty and deference we let the SEALs have a little credit.

Blogunov: Thank you for granting the interview, Mr. Vice President. Perhaps we'll meet again.

Biden: Absolutely! Hey, I'll have to tell you about me and Neil Armstrong. Durn near had to push him out of that lunar lander. But maybe some other day.

Blogunov: Thank you.

Biden: All the best.

User avatar
Above all comrades, me must ensure no leaks from military intelligence wondering why Dear Leader waited months to take UBL out reach the airwaves.

User avatar
Image
Well done, DevGru. We know who the real men are in real life.


 
POST REPLY