Inspired by the "Toy Gun" buyback program recently initiated by Hayward California's Strobridge Elementary School principal Charles Hill, Vice President Joe Biden is scheduled to announce today White House backing of a new "Imaginary Gun" buyback program.
"We have been plagued by a recent rash of imaginary gun incidents in our nation's schools," said Biden spokesman Aldous Orwell. "Children live in terror because of rampant imagination."
Step One of the program would entail registration of imaginary weapons in a National Imaginary Terror Weapon Information Tracking System (NITWITS). Educators will help students fill out a form from NITWITS to see if their imaginations are producing unacceptable thoughts involving a weapon of any kind.
Once the initial database has been created, "At Risk" students will be identified, removed from their regular classes, and subjected to a more rigorous investigation by NITWITS.
Those who insist on clinging to their imaginary guns, will be required to undergo a voluntary self-criticism program.
If their NITWITS counselor is satisfied that the student understands the danger of imagining things that the state deems unacceptable, they will be passed on to Step Two of the program.
Step Two will involve conditioning the "At Risk" students to "trade-in" their unacceptable actions, like pointing their fingers and saying "bang," or pretending to hold a sword while making "schwing" or "ting! tang!" sounds, for more correct thoughts - like rejecting gender stereotypes, or performing community service activities.
This conditioning will require extensive one-on-one sessions with a State Appointed Social Service counselor. The program aims to establish an SASS presence in every public school to ensure that student imagination is carefully monitored and directed.
"Little boys shouldn't be imagining shooting a gun or fighting a dragon," explained Orwell. "A six-year-old should be examining his sexual orientation or thinking about ways he can help make Hope and Change happen."
Orwell stated that the purpose of the public school system was not just to educate, but to reeducate. "A lot of these misguided young people get strange ideas from their parents. It is our duty to correct these thoughts and set these young minds on a path to meaningful community service."
Students who complete Step Two of the program will be presented with a Xeroxed copy of an autographed picture of either Barrack or Michelle Obama, suitable for framing. Presenting students with such a choice is the final touch of the program, designed to stimulate and direct their imagination along correct, pre-approved channels.
I must Confess! As a former national member of the Society for Creative Anachronism I did engage in sword play on school properties with both legitimate fencing, and also imaginary (air to air) weapons. And some of the students we held demonstrations for are now Knights in the SCA. While there are no dragons to slay, SCA combatants don armor and fight each other to become, (shudder), Kings of their SCA Kingdoms. And when civilization dies, The Society stands ready to fill the vacuum. While this no longer concerns me, the Party Section should be advised that the day may come when they will be confronted by a band of hopeless romantics in the streets carrying swords, axes, glaves, spears, and other antique implements of war. Be further advised that SCA members have other antique ideas about honor, fealty, and Courtly Love, which the People's Party despises out of hand. From Caid to Drachenwald your Party Prospekt is in one of these Kingdoms. Yet I still admire their slogan: Forward into the Past!
For example, what if the kids are eating imaginary Pop Tarts or fish sticks? Should we automatically just assume that imaginary guns are likely to be chewed into these imaginary foods? Or, perhaps, the imaginary foods might be imaginarily pointed at a fellow student in the lunch room?
Where do we draw the line?
Are the imaginary Pop Tarts and fish sticks eligible for the Xerox copies of Dear Leader or FLATUS?
And if so, what about imaginary sticks, which - as a former child - I can assure you could easily be pretended to be imaginary assault weapons!
This is obviously going to require the formation of an imaginary committee.
I suggest augmenting the NITWITS™ therapy and re-education training with these:
Maksim, I know what you're imagining. Did I imagine I fired six imaginary bullets, or only five? Tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I can't recall myself. So you have to imagine something: can you imagine that you're lucky? Well, can you, punk?
Colonel 7.62Can we use the imaginary money to pay off our taxes?
No, Colonel. Only the Government can (and does) spend imaginary money, because the Government imagines itself to be a better imaginary steward of imaginary money than We the People imagine ourselves to be.
What sort of compensation can I expect for all of these? Thanks!
(Oh, and some of my daughter's princesses are armed with rather mean imaginary swords and bows too -- what can she get for those?)
Joe "The slowest gun in the west" Biden has vowed revenge on the man who dared to impersonate Barack at a fairly recent Clint Eastwood speech.
This imaginary gun in your face means that I’m going to extract all your imaginary income by any means imaginable, because We the Government imagine ourselves to be a better imaginary steward of imaginary money than You the People imagine yourselves to be.
So who is to blame? Bush.
Who gets the credit: Obama.
Thus should it always be.
Instead of NITWITS, I found a link to a site called DEMWITS.com. No connection, except that its creators are asking to be incarcerated within the NITWITS program.
And so on...
Read all about it!
Is good thing none of you kapitalist pigs use Glorious Peoples Weapon in imagination! The Avtomat Kalashnikov is only for use in killing enemies of the Revolution!
Is also good I no kapitalist pig either, and demand royalty for use of Glorious Iconic design in imagination, either! Kalashnikov belongs to the Motherland!
Tovarich Biden head so empty, he could shoot both barrels of his shotgun in his ear, and hit nothing!
Dasvedanya, Komrades! Just say Nyet to kapitalist oppression!