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Bill De Blasio Issues Mandatory Tin-Foil Hat Law

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Komrades, another State-approved news flash interruption.

As a NYC native (and hate that fact), I feel an obligation to report news to this kollektive, fresh hot from the New York Motherland (I say this ironically sometimes). So here it is:

Bill De Blasio, mayor of NYC, and an unpopular one on that, has announced to the cameras at City Hall another Draconian Orwellian fair bill into law to add on top of an already large pile of shit laws. This new law will force everyone in NYC, like everyday street proles, NYPD members, City Sanitation workers, and government employees to wear tinfoil hats, including in bed, and even to the grave.

"It is not fair that I, your incredibly incompetent mayor, is rightfully seen as a loony nut-job wearing a tin-foil hat" said the Mayor, "with this law, ALL New Yorkers will now be loony nut-jobs, and look the part too!".

Yours truly has done a good-old-fashioned take-it-to-the-streets, and has interviewed random people he found on the street. These are their stories (who'll even get this Law & Order reference?):

"I've never regretted more voting for this guy to mayor, first in 2013, then in 2017, oh fool me twice, than I've ever!!" - Pro Let Ariat

"The old uniform cap had fabric, so it helped wick away some perspiration. With this new tin-foil hat, I now get a complimentary stinky, sweaty sauna every-time I'm on shift - then again, I have to suffer enjoy it off-shift as well!!" - NYPD officer around the corner in that police car

"I always unquestioningly accept what the mayor says lying down. After all, I don't question the indisputable fact that a mayor who doesn't even know me personally knows what's best for me. I never ever realised how much I enjoy feeling like a roast turkey in the oven on a bright, sunny day!! - Ano Therp Role, NYC's newest poster boy masochist

"René Descartes once said "Je pense, donc je suis (I think, therefore I am)" said the mayor. "However, why should we listen to some old man from the 16th century? We the City have come up with a truer statement, a more accurate, and Modern Millenial-sensible wisdom: "I blindly obey, therefore I am - whatever the City tells me".

"Those pussy hats were only just recently popular, but tin-foil hats have been in popular culture for decades. Why not we, the City, MTFHGA - Make Tin-Foil Hats Great Again?" said the mayor.

It is reported that although, once again, like everything else about De Blasio, there was severe discontentment among the populace, nobody actually did anything, hence his re-election, and why NYC is - forget knee-deep, or even neck deep - forehead deep in shit golden amazing laws.

The People's Anthony Sullivan, The People's Cube


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Issuing a law that is already being ignored is like campaign finance reform, or immigration law... so what?


Who's ready for more vodka?

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:Image

Issuing a law that is already being ignored is like campaign finance reform, or immigration law... so what?


Who's ready for more vodka?

After all those exhausting street interviews, I'm down


 
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