Comrades! A recent discovery has been made that threatens the mental health of thousands upon thousands of trust-fund babies; millions of middle-class college students, their professors, so-called "limousine liberals," and, Stalin knows, the entire motion picture industry!

The Politburo, acting on orders to investigate some nebulous activities in the Caribbean, came across a poster supposedly created in the 1960s (left).

Unbelievable, no? Can the Party tolerate such scandal?

At any event, about two nights ago, I was fooling around with having a serious conversation with a female Comrade of Color, and after opening our second bottle of vodka, she showed me a photograph taken with a special camera she said she invented herself. You see, she's a professional dancer, and there are these small items she sticks on her nipples when she does that delicious...

But, I digress. The camera was mounted in one of these small items she called "pasties,"

Well, as you may imagine, since she in such high demand, she is sent to numerous places where subversives may live. My female comrade friend explained that at one particularly seedy location, she discovered, as she dropped her G-string, that someone had hastily shoved the offending image under a sofa.

Naturally, she said nothing, but sent the KGB to the den of Subversity (Is that a word?), to arrest the offenders, but they had fled.

However, I am privileged to have a friend in the KGB Moscow office who gave me a color copy of the poster which I reproduce here. My instructions are to disseminate the image to trusted individuals who could help us track down the offending artist.

Just look at the rainbow motif! Disgusting! And the vile accusation that our Beloved Che Guevara was a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that...).

Comrades, join the search! Let us root out this miscreant and apply the appropriate punishment, lest our Fellow Travelers lose sight of the coming World of Next Tuesday, and (Lenin forbid), delay it. I shudder to even think such a thought!

THOUGHTCRIME!

Ohhh my God, the Cube is rampant with thoughtcrime these days! I pray we can eradicate this neocon infestation! Do you have anything against queers, comrade? Remember that we progressives are tolerant towards any kind of filthy depravity. What we don't like are the heterofacist, white, middle class oppressors. So comrade Lenin, if you don't want to join the Premier in re-education north of the arctic circle I suggest you retract these statements!

How can any good Progressive malign Gay people?

Perhaps this Comrade should spend some time being re-educated about the diversity of perversion and why it should be tolerated. This comrade has spent too much time exposed to the judgemental rules of KKKapitalists.

Please. I made the usual disclaimer, and obviously didn't emphasize enough that it was the people who buy and display images of Che that I'm concerned about.

Reeducation? Heavens, I've been there so recently I've been issued a new titanium shovel! I oil it on a daily basis; I should know!

Besides, Che is macho! um -- Okay, gays can be macho. But the bad rainbow art, I mean, really! Oh. Value judgement...

Um, but what about the kids and the professors and the actors and all -- ?

Sigh. Is it okay if I just dig a long trench?

And, besides, I still stand by my concern for our fellow travelers. I'm reminded of the fact that icons, whether people or not, should remain unchanged, as long as they work.

Comrade Che works, and masterfully at that! Perhaps some of the wording was a little bourgeois, but the idea still has merit. Yes. We should still find the source of the artwork.

I mean what about the World of Next Tuesday?

(With apologies to Walt - to tune of the chimney sweep song from 'Mary Poppins')

Che-chim-a-ree, Che-chim-a-ree,
Guevara is gay,
the collective is happy,
is happy all day,
Che-chim-a-ree, Che-chim-a-ree,
be happy not blue,
this handsome young lad
will soon shake hands with you!
Good luck will rub off,
and you'll get lucky too!

Mary Poppins! Now there was a movie that was way ahead of its time, Comrades! A Progressive fantasy to rival even Aaron Sorkin's West Wing.

Set in England circa 1910, Mary Poppins came into a family headed by an ultraconservative human popsicle who worked for the evil institution otherwise known as the bank. Even his name was "Mr. Banks." She reformed everyone in that family save Mrs. Banks, because Mrs. Banks was already a correct Progressive. You see, she was a suffragette, always out fighting for women's rights to get the vote and free abortions on demand, etc. In fact, I don't recall she even took much notice of her children, as she was always out and about throwing eggs at the prime minister and getting thrown into jail; besides, that's what Mary Poppins was for. Oh yes, Mrs. Banks was all for the nanny state.

(FOR THE CHILDREN! "For the children, step in time, for the children, step in time . . .")

Mary Poppins taught the kiddies that they needn't spend too much energy trying to clean their rooms; that all they had to do was sing a happy song, dance a happy dance, snap their happy fingers, and just like that their toys would pick themselves up. I must say, I see a great many parallels between that and how the Democrats intend to finance programs like socialized health care for all.

(END THE TAX CUTS! "End the tax cuts, step in time, end the tax cuts, step in time . . .")

Mary Poppins also took the kiddies on some rather strange outings that were clearly drug induced. I mean, how else do you leap into chalk drawings on sidewalks to go racing on stolen carousel horses? Methinks Uncle Albert put something in the tea to make everyone laugh their way up to the ceiling.

(MAKE POT LEGAL! "Make pot legal, step in time, make pot legal, step in time . . .")

In the end, Mr. Banks did the correct and courageous thing by screwing up and losing his job (it's been a few years since I watched it, but I see to recall they punched a hole in his hat and they may even have plucked the flower out of his lapel and crushed it, can't remember). The movie ends with him happily flying kites with his children, just like the children of Iraq used to do until Bush illegally invaded their country. Meanwhile, Mary Poppins took off on her umbrella in search of another family that needed a vatful of vodka to help the socialism go down--in a most Progressive way!

(SOCIAL PROGRAMS! "Social programs, step in time, social programs, step in time . . .")

(To the tune of 'Supercallifragilisticexpialidocious', Uncle Walt is now spinning in his grave at 5,000 RPM...)

Lenin-was-a-lefty-and-was-awfully-realisitc,
Stalin's-gun-was-hefty-and-he-was-a-bit-sadistic,
Marx-enjoyed-a-laugh-or-two-until-he-went-ballistic,
Lenin-was-a-lefty-and-was-awfully-realisitc.

Why is it that the sexuality of historical figures is constantly changing?