Dateline Chicago -

In an unprecedented move, today Chicago police announced that they will hand deliver letters to violators of Chicago's strong anti-gun-violence laws. Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy stated for the record that he expects the hand delivered messages to be passed on from the letter's recipients to their guns, thereby preventing the guns from promulgating any further violence.

"We've had enough," McCarthy told reporters, "And it's high time these guns start obeying the laws of the great city of Chicago".

The guns were unavailable for comment.

A sample of the letters being delivered follows:


Police Superintendent McCarthy stated that he fully expects both gun owners and their guns to abide by the law from here on in.

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote: "We've had enough," McCarthy told reporters, "And it's high time these guns start obeying the laws of the great city of Chicago".

The guns were unavailable for comment.

Crap, that's all we need, another silent majority.

This is important NEW data from a professor!! (a real genius)

Politico:

"The pilot program is targeting individuals off a “heat list” developed by a Yale professor, who studied murders on Chicago's West Side between 2005 and 2010 and found a small network of people was responsible for more than 70 percent of the killings, according to the Sun-Times."

Comrades,

The whole thing smells like a rat. With average high school GPA's of Chicagograd's populace falling somewhere at or just below 3.0, Commissar McCarthy is not fooling anyone. He wrote the whole letter in cursive.

FORWARD

That will work.

Comrades,

Today is brought to you by the letter "E".
"E" is for exacerbation.
Congratulations to the exhausted One.

Methinks the National Association of Letter Carriers may put in a cursory complaint as the cops are not NALC members, and I harken back to a famous quote from a major mediocre movie. "That's the best thing about the 707. It can do everything but Read." I will make to the Party Section demanding that this be carried out under all provisions of Manual M39 of the USPS, and conducted under management of full time Postal Supervisors just so the CPD can understand the abuse real Postpersons have to endure. Just want to make sure that these cops can't wear their sidearms on their routes. We can't. And I know. I got shot at 40 years ago working a route Nobody would bid on. So things have only changed slightly.

But what about ammunition? Shouldn't bullets get letters too? If bullets didn't have guns they wouldn't kill people.

Margaret wrote:But what about ammunition? Shouldn't bullets get letters too? If bullets didn't have guns they wouldn't kill people.

Only the ones in standard-capacity magazines, Margaret.

Don't worry - they're getting their letters!

I can read it all now.

Dear Magpull
Please. Please don't go out and get loaded and kill anyone.
Signed Ballerina's Buttboy