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Exciting New Product

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Greetings fellow Progs! If you're like me, you wake up before the sunrise, eat half your beet ration for breakfast, grab your shovel and make your way to the Gulag in service of the collective until dark, then, while you're dining on the other half of your beet ration before bed, you watch the re-education channel for the current truth.

Well, last night, after consuming my vodka ration, I passed out as the infomercials came on and had a glorious vision! The ghost of Billy Mays appeared and began pitching me on the most Progressive product the world has never seen:

Do you have trouble cramming your Progressive beliefs down peoples throats? Are your knuckles chaffed from fisting for the collective?

Hi, Billy Mays here with a new miracle product that will save you time and energy!

New from the makers of WealthSpread™, its.... "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™

What I have here is a Progressive Health Care bill, its over 3000 pages long, packed with special interest pork, loaded with Marxist provisions, it makes service to the collective mandatory with fines and jail time as punishments for failure to comply.

Over here, we have your typical White Christian Male Capitalist Pig, look how he clings to his guns and religion... Watch what happens when I try the old fashioned way to shove this bill down his throat:

Capitalist Pig: "Yew aint gonna cram that Commie trash down mah throat!"

Notice the hostility with which he responds? Watch what happens after I apply a Liberal amount of "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ to the bill...

Simply open the tub, use the special rubber fist applicator and apply copious amounts of "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ to the bill. Now watch how easily it goes down...

Capitalist Pig: "Wow.... I can't believe its not Capitalism!"

See how easy that was? Slides right down...

But wait! There's more...

The rubber fist applicator doubles as a suppository!

Watch as I cram this 2000 page Cap & Trade bill up the other end of this Capitalist Pig.... Just slather on "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™, apply pressure and... like magic...

Slides right up there!

No squealing, no squirming, no muss, no fuss and cleaning is a snap!

"I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ is environmentally friendly, made with all natural ingredients, non-toxic and won't stain clothing. The rubber fist applicator is dishwasher safe, non-toxic, made with 100% recycled material, it's rigid enough to handle the tightest of the bourgeois but supple enough to prevent permanent scarring.

It's as effective on your whites as it is on every other color. Safe to use on Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, heck, even the recalcitrant atheists will be begging for more. Children, seniors and even pets just love "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™

It's a safe, fun product for the whole family to enjoy!

Every order comes with a three pound tub of "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ and the rubber fist applicator... You get it all!!!

But wait... There's more!

As a special offer, if you call right now, we'll double your order! You get two 3 pound tubs of "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ and two rubber fist applicators! (just pay for additional shipping and handling)

But wait... There's more!

The first 500 callers get a special bonus, this handy travel tote. It comes loaded with a travel size tub of "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™, travel size rubber fist applicator and a limited edition "I fist for the collective"™ T-shirt. (just pay for additional shipping and handling)

Now it won't matter whether you're fisting for the collective at home or on the go, we've got you covered!

Act now!
[Prog Off]My apologies comrades, I do not have the artistic ability to provide visual agitation. [Prog On]

Just think of the progress we could make with such a fantastic product! No longer would we have to make emotional appeals and craft other logical fallacies into talking points for fellow progs... no longer would we have to picket in the streets for social justice, no longer would we have to tolerate such anti-progressive symbols as the bible and crucifix, no longer would we have to tolerate profit, morality, individualism, personal responsibility or any other such odious affronts to Progressivism.

Surely such a product would usher in the Progressive World of next Tuesday!

Now if you'll excuse me comrades... I have brought shame upon myself, I have wasted the collectives precious electricity by falling asleep while watching the Prog-Tube. I must skip my usual evening half ration of beet and vodka, grab my shovel, and report to the Gulag for a double shift as penance.

Progressively yours,
Ross

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Yes, it's true, we must create products that are easy to swallow, and never let on what our true agenda is.

I only have one complaint, Comrade Rosserppro. As we are not evil capitalist here, this product should be immediately confiscated by the proper authorities and redistributed from each according to his need from each according to his ability, and never sold in the free market.

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Comrade, as much as we appreciate the efforts of a prospective necro-voter and TV pitchman, the Party does not stoop to cheap tricks in order to win converts to our noble cause. We want people to join us because of the superiority of our ideas, and we strive to convince them of same by calling them "RAAAAACISTS".




Ah, who the hell am I kidding, we'll eat a mile of crap to get power!

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Comrade Ross-whatsisname

Congratulations.

I am fighting an uphill battle on the Cube to indoctrinate my fellow travelers in true progressive morality.

What Comrades Leninka and Opiate miss here it that progs should use each and every tactic available to advance the Common Good. I agree that the best solution is Genocide to get rid of all the reactionary pigs, but alas, we do not live in a perfect word.

Therefore Lying, Scamming and Deceit are important tools in the progressive toolbox to advance The Common Good. Dupe the Capitalist into believing that a Communist thing is actually capitalist and you are well on your way of enslaving them to the system. (If you refer to my moral credo on the Voodoo economic thread you will realize what I am referring to)

Other important deceits are to make things look Christian or Compassionate or For The Children. (It is our Christian or Compassionate or For The Children duty to provide healthcare for all)

Keep up the good work, Comrade!

Amandla!

Obamugabe

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Comrade Ross, you are one slippery character. Forget Jiffi-Lobo, now we have Jiffi-Loobo to ease the pain.

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Greeting from the gulag!
(got caught with a capitalist thought, the other day)

Dear Comrade Rosserppro, at first glimmer I was aghast at the capitalist incentive of your capitalism commercial idea, but on second glimmer, I see the glory of it. Why not use evil to do good?! Capitals love spending the peoples monies on their own greedy selves; and if we can divert them to spread the fascist good, then why not! Do not Comrades Chavez & Castor do the same?!

Praise to your concept!

now, back to the gruel portion and sewing up the skirt of Fraulein "Marica" Coakley

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And they come in two glorious colors!Who could resist.

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Leninka wrote: As we are not evil capitalist here, this product should be immediately confiscated by the proper authorities and redistributed from each according to his need from each according to his ability, and never sold in the free market.
Thanks to his O'liness, you can enjoy capitalism without the guilt by simply choosing the "Bill my neighbor" option at checkout.

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Can I use "I can't believe its not Capitalism!"™ to better perfect the recipe for The Party™ Approved Margarita? I shall consult with my R&D minions tonight!

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor for The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremans)

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Rosserppo Tsilaicos wrote:
Leninka wrote: As we are not evil capitalist here, this product should be immediately confiscated by the proper authorities and redistributed to each according to his need from each according to his ability, and never sold in the free market.
Thanks to his O'liness, you can enjoy capitalism without the guilt by simply choosing the "Bill my neighbor" option at checkout.

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Thank you Comrade Rosserppo. That's a great idea. Surely, my neighbor won't mind paying for my purchase.


 
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