CHAPTER 7: THE ROAD TO
Barrack Obama had quickly become a silver bullet headed right for the forehead of America. His eloquence and fire had not gone unnoticed by the Politburo, which choose him to deliver the keynote speech at the Party’s 2004 convention. He did not disappoint and gave a rousing stem-winder excoriating the United States for inciting World War II by parking battleships at Pearl Harbor. Although it was late in the evening, the crowd that was left were nuts, er, the crowd that was left went nuts.
The sudden appearance of Barrack Obama on the national scene left the Politburo with a dilemma. The Party had arranged a clever plan to take back the reins of power from the Rethuglicans (for the people’s own good of course!) Led by Congressman Franky Barn and Senator Crass Dud, the groundwork was laid to destroy the capitalist banking system by cajoling banks into issuing trillions of dollars in home mortgages to people with no ability to pay (i.e. the party faithful.) Fifth-columists on Wall Street (Surprised? Progressive NJ Gov Jon Corzany was once head of Goldbrick-Sacks) would then sell the shaky loans into all corners of the financial infrastructure, eating away at the economy like community-organized termites. Once the mortgages began defaulting, the country’s economic system would collapse, the incumbent Rethuglican administration and congress would be blamed and the People’s Party would be returned to its rightful place of power by the outraged populace. The media was on board (as they always are) to ensure the working class idiots knew who to blame for the calamity. The crisis would be too slow in developing to have any effect in 2004 so the Party chose a sacrificial lamb candidate, John Carry, the former head mortician of Paris, France. The plan’s ultimate beneficiary was to be Lady Hillary Clinton, who would be swept into office with a huge progressive congressional majority as the first woman president of the United States.
But a growing contingent of the Party apparatchiks were having second thoughts about Hillary, sensing that a fashion-conscious public would soon get tired of pastel pantsuits. Others did not want to see Bill back in the White House with another opportunity to glamorize the cigar industry. And many others suggested that Barrack Obama would simply be a better choice as the first woman president of the US. The schism reached the point where it became obvious that the only way to settle is was in the traditional manner of Progressive Parties the world over: through skullduggery, chicanery and back-stabbing throat-slitting treachery. As Lenin might have said, power belongs to those bold enough to take it. If he didn’t say it, he should have.
Sensing an opportunity was at hand, Obama hired David Astroturf as his campaign manager. Astroturf was a professional snake oil salesman who made his mark in the pre-merger days of the American Football League. In its early days, the league suffered from poor attendance; nobody wanted to pay to see the games because the teams sucked. Astroturf believed no product or political philosophy should fail just because it was useless and concocted a plan to fill the stadiums with cardboard cutouts so that it looked to the TV audience like the places were filled with rabid fans. The TV audiences, trusting the opinions of thousands of cardboard cutouts rather than their own eyes, began to think they were missing something and started coming to the games. The trickles eventually turned into floods. After a few years of cutting out cardboard fans, success was achieved and the AFL was merged into the NFL.
Obama and Astroturf soon hatched a brilliant plan to snatch the Democrat nomination from Hillary. Realizing that the delegate distribution was heavily weighted in favor of small states utilizing caucuses rather than large states holding primaries, Obama and Astroturf decided to jam the caucuses with volunteers who would each bring along numerous cardboard cutouts of additional participants and utilize the names and addresses of deceased voters for identification (similar to the way elections had been conducted in Chicago for generations of satisfied proletariat.) In addition, a mole or twelve hundred had been planted in Hillary’s camp to disrupt her campaign by mixing the tops and bottoms of her pantsuits (lavender with lime – yech!.) The icing on the cake would be the media; if Obama did not win the delegate count outright but was close (say within three thousand or so) the media would begin a people’s campaign to declare Obama the winner by affirmation and loud noise. As an American hero once said, “The end justifies the means” and the election of Obama as chancellor was the very noblest of ends.
In the end, it wasn’t even close. The delegations of two large primary states that Hillary won, Michigan and Florida, sensed that they would be betraying America if they fulfilled the will of their voters and declined to show at the convention, opting instead to disappear into the night on numerous turnip trucks. The Politburo decided to honor their sacrifice and give their votes to Obama, putting him over the top for the nomination. The magnanimous Obama extended an undeserved olive branch to his old rival, offering to make her Secretary of Postal Hectoring and Baked Goods in his new Administration and agreed to help her with her campaign debts by buying all the cigars Bill had left in the White House humidor.
With hatchets now buried in various ex-rivals’ heads, Obama was coronated king-to-be in a grand ceremony befitting his standing at Denver, Colorado. He made the greatest speech of his career, pointing out how everything that everybody might have did in the first two hundred and thirty two years of the Republic was just prelude and American history would finally begin now that he was here. The nation went wild with
Why anybody would choose a nobody like McSame over a national hero like Obama for supreme leader befuddled the media and the public alike for a while. Barrack Obama had given so much to this country; why choose some untested fool over him? Some weak-minded individuals began to wonder if there were not something to it; maybe America SHOULD have a pilot around the White House, just in case somebody has to fly somewhere. These idiotic notions did not last long; right on schedule, the financial collapse occurred and even the fools who flirted with voting for McSame now realized that their only salvation lie with Obama. Obama won in a major landslide, carrying all the states that really mattered (i.e. the ones that had schools and electricity so the citizens could figure out what was going on.)
Utopia finally arrived on January 20, 2009 when Obama took the oath of office as the greatest President of the United States. Immediately, all the problems caused by the previous foolish presidents began to ameliorate: the seas began to recede, lousy jobs became good ones and the sick became less sick. This was only the beginning; in the months to come, Obama would (1) create a government stimulus package that would solve the financial crisis caused by decades of Rethuglican mismanagement while making everyone else rich (2) laugh at the “cant do” attitude of his predecessors by creating a free health care plan for the country (3) create billions of green jobs and finally wean the country from its dependence on foreign oil. The future is finally bright for America thanks to Obama and the wise Party leaders, MSM journalists and pop-culture celebrities who ensured his election. We’ll never know how close America was to its deserved total failure until Obama showed up to save it. But we do know this: for centuries, naïve weak-minded people, the types who never get invited to cocktail parties in New York or San Francisco, clung to guns and read their bibles, waiting for their messiah Christian somebody to return. Now, they can forget about that because Obama is here!
Wow! After reading this thrilling mini-series and truly understanding how utterly vital the Obama is, requires me to ask the next logical question: Who is the most important and culturally relevant person to America? Jesus Christ, Barack Obama, Michael Jackson or Harry Potter??