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Going to New York? Watch out for Mormon Terrorists

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NEW YORK -- As the second month on Broadway approaches for Matt Stone and Trey Parker's musical, “The Book of Mormon”, our operatives in Washington and Salt Lake City report an unusual amount of activity on the part of Homeland Security, designed to prepare for the inevitable riots and suicide bombings hitting the Big Apple.

Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, did not deny this in a recent exclusive interview with the People's Cube correspondent, Tsarevna Nookie Norperdaughter.

“It only stands to reason,” Ms. Napolitano said. “Ever since that nice but troubled young Muslim man, who was poorly schooled in the Qu'uran, blew up a car in front of the New York CBS studios last year, we have been waiting for a terrorist attack by Bible-beating, gun-clenching right-wingers... and doesn't that describe your average LDS churchgoer?"

“We begged Mr. Stone and Mr. Parker to be more careful. Who could have foreseen the violent reaction of the world's peaceful Muslim community when the South Park creators drew Mohammed into their cartoon show? And now they're stepping on the toes of most dangerous elements of our society: Christians, gun owners, conservatives, genealogists... Ken Jennings!”

Ms. Napolitano leaned forward to whisper the name of one of the world's most feared Mormons, who is rumored to have hypnotized Alex Trebek with his Mormon superpowers in order to plunder record-winning amounts of “Jeopardy” money.

“I fear that not only Stone and Parker, but all patriotic, left-thinking Americans will regret the decision to stage this play," said Napolitano. "I don't need to tell you why these polygamists are a grave danger to all New York tourists right now.”

Ms. Napolitano was reminded that polygamy was outlawed when Utah became a state, and that it is now an excommunicable act in the LDS church. At this, her eyes twinkled. “Ah-ha! That's what they want you to hear, but they're not fooling this DHS Secretary.”

“The LDS terrorists are very crafty, and might do things we've never anticipated before: suicide bombings, burning the Democratic Party leaders in effigy, car bombs, even flying planes into buildings.”

While some may say the above things have already been done by Muslims, Janet Napolitano considers such views to be dangerously naïve. "Our thorough evaluation of all so-called Muslim acts of terrorism reveals that they were all either funded by right-wing sources, or they were actually right-wingers masquerading as peaceful Muslim citizens. As we expected all along.”

Our interview with Secretary Napolitano was followed by a dangerous trip to Utah, where we interviewed actual Mormons. To ensure our safety, our team was wearing “We ♥ Mormons” t-shirts and white flags at all times. Sadly, our finding confirmed Secretary Napolitano's fears.

Mrs. Hyrum Johnson of Salt Lake City lured us into her home by offering milk and cookies. She was allegedly glad to talk about her religion at first, but her friendly demeanor darkened as soon as we mentioned the Broadway play, The Book of Mormon. “Those darned South Park boys really hurt my feelings," she said in a voice that can only be termed sincere. "They are going to get a lot of letters from people who aren't too happy.”

When asked what such letters might contain, Mrs. Johnson looked over both shoulders, as if to make sure no one important was listening in. “Well... now understand, I wouldn't write this myself, but I know some people in our community who might call them bad names. Like, troublemakers. Untalented. Rabble rousing. And even hell-bound.”

Strong words, but they do not come close to the angry intensity of Bishop Uriah Henderson of Provo.

Bishop Henderson was interviewed as he was helping a group put together a box of food for one of the poorer families in the Ward, but when asked what he would do if he were to have a conversation with Mr. Stone and Mr. Parker, his reaction was rather revealing. In fact, he openly asked if we could step aside from the food-packing room “so the children won't hear.” Then, with pursed lips and visibly trying to hold in his rage, he said, “Why, I'd tell those blasted comedians, 'read the Book of Mormon, boys! Maybe then you would get the right idea'.”

Confronted with the fact that the authors have already read the book and one of them even considered becoming a Mormon, Bishop Henderson was unfazed. “Well, I would tell them they should read it again! And I would remind them that Jesus would have never written a play like that. Maybe then they would truly come into the faith. And I would pray for them.”

Yes. Forced conversions. Prayer. It may be difficult to fathom that in our modern times such evil exists, but despite the friendly appearance of missionaries who come to your door, Mormonism contains all these dark elements and more.

Other Ward members also volunteered their opinions about the play. Jedidiah Smith, aged 10, told us, “I drew a picture of Joseph Smith and I'm going to send it to those South Park guys.” His mother, Lanny, said, “You know, if I ever saw Matt and Trey, I would shake my finger at them just like this and ask, ‘Have your mothers seen this show? Do they know you are having so much fun at the expense of others?'”

Lanny's comment shows just how deeply the seeds of rage and war have been furrowed into the Mormon Church. Amazingly, many Mormons are puzzled by the idea that only minorities have feelings.

While Mormons indeed have members among various minority groups, the Church is still quite hostile towards transgender and cross-dressing demographics. Thankfully, the exposure of young Mormons to correct views in public school has minimized prejudice towards non-transgender and non-cross dressing Gay-Americans.

Juanita Menendez is a second-generation American. Even though her family immigrated from Honduras legally, she has as much Latina heritage as the less privileged undocumented immigrants. Juanita, a cashier at the local Winn-Dixie, was happy to talk and seemed very friendly. “Me, I don't worry so much about it,” she said about the play. “It didn't sound that bad to me. But some people around here...” She bent down to whisper, “I know someone who is writing a book that says Matt and Trey are not funny.”

Mormons like Juanita, who live in Salt Lake City and the surrounding area, aren't giving too much thought to what happens in New York. But what is droves of uncontrollable Mormons begin to descend on Broadway? Again, we asked Mormons themselves, what they would do if they were given a ticket to New York and had a chance to protest against the play.

Jason Waterford, a high school student who asked not to be named (sorry Jason), told us that if he were in New York, he'd really rather hire a prostitute because he's never had sex before and thinks it would be fun. All wholesome growing boy material! But a classmate, who is better versed in Mormon scripture, was more intent on letting us know what the two “troublemakers” really might face.

“It says in Moroni 7:46,” she told us, “'Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail.' And that's true. We really don't like what the ‘Book of Mormon' play says, but the important thing is to have compassion for the authors and audience anyway.”

Asked about how exactly she would show this so-called “compassion,” she snapped: “Oh, I don't know... maybe we could go out to the nearest deli, make some sandwiches, and bring them in to the theater during rehearsal so everyone could take a break.”

Anger. Code words. Clear motive. Proselytizing. Sandwiches. Damaging epithets like “darned” and “blasted comedians.” Exposure to a scripture that contains all the wrong ideas about the economy, the world, and U.S. politics.

Luckily for us and New York, Janet Napolitano is taking this secretive, mysterious people's words seriously. If you are going to the Big Apple this spring or summer, you might want to pack some body armor.

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I'll tell you what worries me constantly. It's that Mormon missionaries might strap explosives to their bicycles and then pedal them into an Islamic Center or Planned Parenthood Clinic.

And my worries don't stop there. I'm afraid in the aftermath, they'll want to build a Mormon temple somewhere near the Ground Zero they created. Not only would this be insensitive and cruel to the millions of women who rely on Planned Parenthood for all their health care needs, but those millions of women would die due to lack of access to that clinic.

Or in the case of an Islamic Center, I'm afraid it might ignite a backlash from the Religion of Peace, whose peace-loving followers will respond the only way they know how. But it's the Mormons who'll be responsible for all the beheadings that ensue.

Additionally, I think the Mormons are plotting to put Mitt Romney in the White House in hopes that he'll impose Mormon law on all of us.

This will include atrocities such as taking away my coffee and using PBS to show 24 hour marathons of the old Donny and Marie Show.

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Clearly we're dealing with pure diabolical evil against our civil society...

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Now I don't want to sound like a "kook" (No offense, KOOK) or a conspiracy theorist for offering this suggestion... but maybe it was Mormons disguising themselves as mooslims on those planes that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11 all for the purpose of discrediting the Religion of Peace™, and to create a distraction of who the real terrorists are.

I see how hard the mooslims are trying very hard to clear their sullied image and association with terrorism. Could it be that the Mormons were behind this whole evil plot of setting up the mooslims to look like the "bad guys"?

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Commissarika Pinkie is correct and wrong at the same time.[ducking the shovel].

A more accurate estimate of women affected would be in the hundreds of millions, or more.

This figure allows for the expansion of services to countries worldwide at American taxpayer expense, it's only fair!Major Mistake is unavailable for comment at this time!
Last edited by General Confusion on 4/23/2011, 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason for editing this post: I forgot!

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Corporeal Whinny wrote:Now I don't want to sound like a "kook" (No offense, KOOK) or a conspiracy theorist for offering this suggestion... but maybe it was Mormons disguising themselves as mooslims on those planes that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11 all for the purpose of discrediting the Religion of Peace™
Comrade Whinny, you are on korrekt track here, but I believe time will show that it was actually Christian reichwing clingers and haters disguising themselves as Mormons disguising themselves as mislooms that flew into the towers. While the Mormons may act in concert with these extremists, I believe that only the Christian reichwingers, clinging to their guns and God, are truly evil enough to do such things.

And Commissarka Pinkie, while I do worry about the possible loss of coffee (!) if a Mormon takeover ever took place, just look at what I saw at a Christian church recently!

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These Christian terrorists with their loose morals are beyond belief!

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:
Corporeal Whinny wrote:Now I don't want to sound like a "kook" (No offense, KOOK) or a conspiracy theorist for offering this suggestion... but maybe it was Mormons disguising themselves as mooslims on those planes that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11 all for the purpose of discrediting the Religion of Peace™
Comrade Whinny, you are on korrekt track here, but I believe time will show that it was actually Christian reichwing clingers and haters disguising themselves as Mormons disguising themselves as mislooms that flew into the towers. While the Mormons may act in concert with these extremists, I believe that only the Christian reichwingers, clinging to their guns and God, are truly evil enough to do such things.

And Commissarka Pinkie, while I do worry about the possible loss of coffee (!) if a Mormon takeover ever took place, just look at what I saw at a Christian church recently!

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These Christian terrorists with their loose morals are beyond belief!

Don't be such a prude, R.O.C.K.

Image Anyone knows if there's a way I can edit that so that people don't have to read the whole thing at once before getting to the comments? A cut and link to"read more"?

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Image"Anyone knows if there's a way I can edit that so that people don't have to read the whole thing at once before getting to the comments? A cut and link to"read more"?"

You can use Hide/Unhide. Button with sunglasses,nose and mustache. Like so:

        Mystery item No. 1

Highlight text you want to hide. Click hide button. Where it says hide= insert 1 after equal sign. Will then look like hide=1. Use 2, 3 for additional hidden items.

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Grigori, it looks as if she figured it out. (That, or an anonymous benefactor fixed it.)

One inserts a tilde ~ --or as my public school teachers always called it, "this squiggly thing"--at the appropriate place in the text, so that only the portion of the text above this squiggly thing will appear when one views The People's Blog in Blog form.

Or something like that.

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The tilde was there when I saw it. I mentioned the Hide as an alternative.

Re; The Mormon Threat
After watching that series "Big Love", those LDS people scare me to death. They made the Mafia look like a bunch of school boys.

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Thank you Grigori! I could see stuff even after I put the tilda in, but the [hide][/hide] thing makes more sense to me, just couldn't remember that command.

Please note that My Equalness has, in the above report, shared her real name (Nookie Norperdaughter) with you. It is meant as a compliment that I feel safe and supported in this nurturing multicultural environment that I bare my soul in this way....what little I did not give to the Party. ™

Actually, I was born with the last name "Norman", but because that is sexist, it was changed to "Norperson" which is also sexist because of the "son" at the end. Hence, Norperdaughter.

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Commissarka Pinkie wrote:This will include atrocities such as taking away my coffee and using PBS to show 24 hour marathons of the old Donny and Marie Show.
In stating such, do you imply that PBS will still be on the air? Is understood that Republikkan Congress will show hatred of children being indoctrinated by Sesame Street by de-funding PBS and all child care amentites to include school lunches, forcing hungry children to inflict guilt on parents who will be forced to find jobs to earn previously entitled money. If I may emulate the Comissarka, I also do fear the loss of coffee. Mitt Romney will be responsible, but with clever thinking, we will re-trace line of BLAME to Bush and his predjudicial policies that abuse the rights of "Juan Valdez."

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Comrade Царевна it warms the cockles of my heart to hear of the things you've done to your name - not only for equality, but for the glory of the Party!

And - just between you and me - I'm about as far from being a prude as you can get, but I've dedicated my aforementioned heart cockles to serve The People™ - and that goes for my tongue as well!

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Comrade Царевна it warms the cockles of my heart to hear of the things you've done to your name - not only for equality, but for the glory of the Party!

And - just between you and me - I'm about as far from being a prude as you can get, but I've dedicated my aforementioned heart cockles to serve The People™ - and that goes for my tongue as well!

I am pleased, indeed, to hear that the heartles of your...I mean the cockles of your heart are warmed. Especially since they are so in demand.

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Rule #1 In the engagement of WAR;
KNOW THY ENEMIES

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Huckleberry Commons Thyme wrote:Rule #1 In the engagement of WAR;
KNOW THY ENEMIES
Interesting, but I'm not sure what you are responding to.

By the way Comerade Huckleberry, each time I see your name I think of a Simon and Garfunkel song, "Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme" because your name would be a perfect rhyme for it, but I doubt that's where you got the name.

That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with anything, either. Carry onl

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With all due respect, and as much as I'd like to carry on with such out of order responses me lady, I'm in the middle of watching The King's Speech. Apparently it, unlike my babbling, is based on a true story of real people.

I'm so lost with the The Colonel's time warping special effects being decommissioned, so give or take a few years for the script to read correct... but then, I'm certain you know all about these things for I am positive that you are always current of the whereabouts of your Papa's former riches.

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Царевна wrote:By the way Comerade Huckleberry, each time I see your name I think of a Simon and Garfunkel song, "Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme"...
OMG. You too???

We musicians have such a cross burden to bear...

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:
Царевна wrote:By the way Comerade Huckleberry, each time I see your name I think of a Simon and Garfunkel song, "Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme"...
OMG. You too???

We musicians have such a cross burden to bear...

I never thought of it that way... now I completely understand why Stevie Wonder had the Vision to make an appearance on American Idol, it was to release his burden and lay all his LOVE and Devotion to The Great Leader of Peace, His O'Liness Burrack.
Hail Michelle!!! hip hip hips hips hips hips hips hips $ A hurray!

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Don't you mean hip hip hips hips hips hips hips hips A$$ hurray?

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Don't you mean hip hip hips hips hips hips hips hips A$$ hurray?
Thanks for reminding me, the Avatar formerly known as Toorisky had suggested that I perhaps needed to see a proctologist, he must be spycho psychic, for at the time I was not in agreement, but as of late i feel a burning under the moon in eclipse.

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Comrade, may I be so bold as to suggest a beet ointment?

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R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:
Царевна wrote:By the way Comerade Huckleberry, each time I see your name I think of a Simon and Garfunkel song, "Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme"...
OMG. You too???

We musicians have such a cross burden to bear...

True, but even though it might be a frightening thought to the less resilient, SOMEONE has to do it. Along with sleeping till noon every day and finding friend's pads to crash in at night.

(What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless)

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Homeless? In NY it does not matter, Education Day The All American Way comes to you....
https://www.aolnews.com/2010/03/26/mitz ... manhattan/

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Upon very close observation with mine own Red-Eye, I have determined the CoJCoLDS to be the most racist, reactionary, regressive religion of the world.


 
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