Members of the Politburo, fellow Party members and corporate donors trying to buy themselves a spot on the Party “protection list” come the revolution:

It has come to my attention that some of you – and I'm not singling out anyone in particular (Comrade Dirk) – have been trying to liberate campaign cash from other members in the Party without their prior knowledge.

Now then, as Democrats we are not ones to judge anyone who steals, rapes, murders or stuffs records from the National Archives in their undergarments. No, we as Democrats are above “moral standards” and “decency” and will not judge anyone for committing a crime – that is, of course, unless the crime is directed against a Party member(s).

With that said, I am personally very disappointed in Comrade Dirk – although I'm not singling him out here – for his apparent thirst to steal money that belongs to the other morally-superior crooks within the Party rank and file. And because of his high crimes it is my expressed wish that he be forced to share a tub of warm water with me, People's Commissar of Commissars, Janet Reno, where he will be forced to scrub my back among other places of a sensitive and privy nature. However, because we are a Party that is forgiving, compassionate and generous with Other People's Money (OPM), we will instead give Comrade Dirk – once again, I'm not singling him out – the opportunity to go through a self-criticism session to hammer out whatever bourgeoisie impulses he may be currently experiencing.

Here is just a sample of some of the things that Comrade Dirk has uttered privately:

Criminal Dirk wrote:I voted for Bush twice and have contributed large sums of money to the RNC.

Criminal Dirk wrote:I'm Pro-Life.

Criminal Dirk wrote:I went to Church the other day to hear the good news.

Criminal Dirk wrote:I engaged in heterosexual intercourse with my hot and awesome Southern California trophy wife.

Criminal Dirk wrote:I sent a care package to one of our brave soldiers in Iraq.

Criminal Dirk wrote:I'm sending my son and daughter to a private school since public schools are failing America's children.

Criminal Dirk wrote:Nancy Pelosi sure is one ugly ass hag. Good God, I think her nose just peeled off right before my eyes!

Appalling… absolutely appalling, Comrades.

Thank you <s>ma'am</s> <s>sir</s>, uh comrade! Now I that have my Bed, Bath and Beyond gift cards back, I will be off to shop for a new duvet cover first thing tomorrow.

P.S. It is not my place to correct a senior commissar but Party rules (and fear of Her Majesty) compel me to point out that your statement: "Now then, as Democrats we are not ones to judge anyone who steals, rapes, murders or stuffs records from the National Archives in their undergarments." should read "Now then, as Democrats we are not ones to judge anyone who steals, rapes, murders or stuffs records from the National Archives in their undergarments, unless they are Republicans. Her Highness does not like it when we forget to invoke the Republican Exception Clause. Remember that junior staffer this past summer? Remember how we all used to believe She was just speaking metaphorically when she said "I'll rip off his head and sh** down his neck"? Remember why we no longer doubt that She is serious when she says that? *shudders*

Who are you working for, Dirk!? Who are your controllers and where were you August 7th, 1974!? Are you working for Rove!?!? Huh!? Are you feeding that bastard sensitive Party information!?

I wish to submit exhibit B into these proceedings:

Criminal Dirk wrote:Dear Karl,

I have sent you “the package” as you requested. Enclosed are photos of Hillary, Nancy Pelosi and Maureen Dowd soaking in a hot tub full of melted chocolate. Also, I have sent you the names of those selected to throw Hillary soft questions at her rigged Iowa forums.

Yours,

Agent Dirk

Paid for by the Democratic National Committee – 1700 Madison Ave, Suit B – New York, New York

Aha! You ARE working for Rove! This message proves it! Oh, no one pay attention to the bottom part. Uhh, I'm sure he stole the stationary or something. Yeah, that's it, he stole the stationary.

Janet wrote:

Criminal Dirk wrote:I went to Church the other day to hear the good news.

Appalling… absolutely appalling, Comrades.

Whatever other failings non-person D may have, he is an Episcolpalian who remains loyal to Bishop Jefferts Schori. The good news that he heard was that the female Muslim/ Christian hybrid priest will be reinstated and that the next revision to the Book Of Common Prayer will be to replace it with an updated version of Mao's Little Red Book, translated and embellished by a staff of Kos bloggers.

Here is a photo of Comrade Dirk selling out to his up against the Wall-Mart corporate overlords!



How many innocent children did you have to pour acid on to get the stylish Wall-Mart bag!? Huh!? HOW MANY!? Is Party potato sack apparel too good for you or something?

Dear Comrades,

Some time ago there came to light serious differences between the Members of the Politburo and the other fraternal parties on the one hand, and Comrade Dirk, on the other. At the present time, the statements and actions of Comrade Dirk, which are undermining the cohesion of our parties and the friendship of our peoples, are causing increasing concern to the Armament Engineering Committee.

The frankly unfriendly actions of Comrade Dirk, his persistent striving to aggravate the controversy in the movement, the deliberate distortion of our Party's position, and the misinterpretation of our motives, impel us to denounce said Comrade.

And as such, we have suspended all materiel deliveries to the Criminal Dirk until otherwise notified by the Politburo to lift stated restrictions.

Avowed opportunism is openly and directly opposed to revolution and to incipient revolutionary movements and outbursts. The state of the entire people can fully cope, and is coping, with this unfriendliness. We know from our own experience that the better the educational work of party, the more effective is the struggle against crime.

With comradely greetings,
-Mikhail T. Kalashnikov

Comrades, I come before you humbled, remorseful, and with everyone's wallets. It is apparent to me that my recent series of thefts has caused some discord among the party and I would now like to make reparations...... by bribing my way out of this.

For the kind and benevolent Chairman I present a fifteen-slotted diamond incrusted toaster, and this rare North Korean Hummel.

For the brave and noble pup, I present this five story high, 50,000 square foot dog house on malibu beach.

For Commissar M I present this $100,000 bed, bath, and beyond gift card. (good until tomorrow)

For Commissar Theocritus I present the first season of "queer eye for the straight guy" DVD with this new 85-inch plasma screen TV.

And for Janet in all her femine masculine glory I present the head of Dick Cheney.

All aformentioned bribes will come with a substantial amount of $oft ca$h courtesy of emperor... er, karl rove (I stole his wallet).

<ahem! a-a-a-a-a-hem! cough-cough! blech-ptui-bleah!>

What about my vodka, Comrade Dirk? And I expect the real stuff this time--as in the GOOD stuff--none of that PWS crap with Joe Hazelwood's likeness on the label. It nearly killed The Great Cubed One. He may well be asking you for your liver anon.

Oh, and I'd like my shovel back, too, please.

And this time, do have the couth to wipe it off before returning it, would you?

What about my vodka, Comrade Dirk? And I expect the real stuff this time--as in the GOOD stuff--none of that PWS crap with Joe Hazelwood's likeness on the label. It nearly killed The Great Cubed One. He may well be asking you for your liver anon.

Oh, and I'd like my shovel back, too, please.

And this time, do have the couth to wipe it off before returning it, would you?

Forgive the lateness Commissarka. I was busy bribing my way out of a watery, gender confused grave. Instead of your old shovel and vodka I'll give you a titanium shovel with a leather grip, and some gourmet Russian vodka.

comrade dirk, who thinks he can pull a fast one on Pinkie by raking out the following tired old chestnut--usually reserved for political candidates holding forth from the rear end of a train caboose while on a whistle-stop campaign tour-- wrote:
I'll give you a titanium shovel with a leather grip, and some gourmet Russian vodka.

Leather? LEATHER? You killed--no MURDERED an innocent, helpless, defenseless COW? A cow with big huge puppy-dog brown eyes just like . . . just like . . . <Pinkie starts sobbing>. . . just like CHE's eyes?

You dirty rotten murderer! Every time I see a cow, don't you know it makes me think of Che, my lost forever love? How could you be so cruel? So heartless? So--so--ohhh, you--you--you GEORGE W. BUSH, you!

Waaahhh!!!!

You cannot bribe Laika, Hero Dog of the Revolution!

I am worried though that the right of first refusal was not given to our Empress.
She's liable to become a little upset.

Actually a lot upset.

I hear hoofbeats.
I gotta run....

Laika

You killed--no MURDERED an innocent, helpless, defenseless COW?

A cow, A COW. Do I look like some heartless capitalist? I retrieved the "leather" from the scalp of KKKarl Rove.

Criminal Dirk wrote
Nancy Pelosi sure is one ugly ass hag. Good God, I think her nose just peeled off right before my eyes!

WHO TOLD YOU... I mean I would never ever insult the *gulps* beautiful and irreplaceable nancy *vomits*.

I denounce Comrade Dirk!

In addition to all the other crimes he has committed, he has also been known to stiff some of the loyal, hard working employees of the Pup's Party Pleasure Palaces, and when he stiffs them, he stiffs Hillary as well! Now it has been also reported that he doesn't stiff them for too long, or for too much, but that is neither here nor there.

He has compounded his crimes by trying to make amends to superior equals by as noted above, fake vodka to Commissarka Pinkie and a fake gold cap to yours truly. I have tried and tried to try and guide him to being a productive citizen, but he has so far failed to heed these efforts. I have confidence that the Party's decision here will go a long way toward developing a proper attitude and love for the Party.

Comrade Dirk.

You have made two mistakes.
A) Handing out bribes
B) Not informing ME.

I can have you shot for that, you know.
I will forego justice though for the rare North Korean Hummel promised to Meow.

Agreed?
I don't believe you have a choice.

H08

I will forego justice though for the rare North Korean Hummel promised to Meow.

DONE! and may I say that you look particullarly power-hungry today.

he has also been known to stiff some of the loyal, hard working employees of the Pup's Party Pleasure Palaces

well who can blame me for..... oh, you mean money.

What did you think I meant Comrade Dirk? Hmmm? You see, when you stiff my workers, they don't get their cut, I don't get mine (all of which is sent to Hillary), and Hillary doesn't get hers. There is nothing wrong with collecting contributions from comrades, that was not why I tried to correct you. No, but this should be done only with the idea of trying to make a comrade a better, more efficient or dedicated Party member, as an act For the Common Good™, and certainly should not be minor trifling things like prole criminals.

When he goes to Siberia, can I shoot him out of a modified poodle cannon? I've been wanting to see how they work when a non-poodle is used as a projectile.

Premier Betty, the physics of a poodle cannon would obviously not allow you to(ring, ring) excuse me, I have to take this (runs into basement and barricades door) hello.... emperor Rove. This is operative 9907 Dirk Metzenhoffer reporting on progress of operation "Capitalist Cube" ....Yes I believe the bribes worked.... yes... mhm.... Hillary took the bait and the "rare north korean hummel" should "activate" (explode) any second now..... affirmative, I have Janet in my sights and am prepared to take the shot.... roger, will update you on progress as soon as possible, over and out. (runs upstarirs) Now where was I? Oh yes, any projectile larger than a poodle would cause a catastrophic meltdown.

comrade dirk wrote:Premier Betty, the physics of a poodle cannon would obviously not allow you to(ring, ring) excuse me, I have to take this (runs into basement and barricades door) hello.... emperor Rove. This is operative 9907 Dirk Metzenhoffer reporting on progress of operation "Capitalist Cube" ....Yes I believe the bribes worked.... yes... mhm.... Hillary took the bait and the "rare north korean hummel" should "activate" (explode) any second now..... affirmative, I have Janet in my sights and am prepared to take the shot.... roger, will update you on progress as soon as possible, over and out. (runs upstarirs) Now where was I? Oh yes, any projectile larger than a poodle would cause a catastrophic meltdown.

Hmmmm.... well I suppose that settles that eh "Comrade?" May Lenin have mercy on your nonexistent soul, for Hillary certainly shall not. Your "Emperor Rove" will soon be joining you manning a People's Shove™. Enjoy!

Do I look like some heartless capitalist?

Well, yeah, maybe you do just a little. At least around the eyes. They're awfully beady and shifty.

I retrieved the "leather" from the scalp of KKKarl Rove.

Oh, well in that case, meltdown averted. I'll take the shovel. And the vodka.

Always a pleasure doing business with you, da?

No hard feelings?

None at all (permission to take the shot emperor Rove).

Your Highness! Hail Hillary!

I want to be the first to congratulate you and of course Reno, the Chairman, and thank you for allowing me to take part in your brilliant plan to expose "comrade dirk" as the spy that he has confessed to being. Your guidance and wisdom in handling this is beyond brilliant!

Your Highness! Hail Hillary!

I want to be the first to congratulate you and of course Reno, the Chairman, and thank you for allowing me to take part in your brilliant plan to expose "comrade dirk" as the spy that he has confessed to being. Your guidance and wisdom in handling this is beyond brilliant!

BWAHAHAHAHA Pupovich, you fool. mr./mrs./toaster Reno has already been disposed of. Needless to say she won't be taking any more bubble baths with any one (shudders). And as for your beloved MTE (laughs meniacly) thanks to that "north korean hummel" she's cashed in her last illegaly aqcuired campaign check. Soon the Peoples Cube will belong to his lordship the Bushitler and after that you'll all be responsible adults living in a Capatalist utopia! BWAHAHAHAHAHA *cough, hack, ptui* HAHAHAH.

<GASP!>

By Lenin's beard! DIRK is the one who put the red commie man-panties in with the whites! DIRK is the one who posed as Comrade Red Eye (later known as Red Square) in that shower when I awoke from my Putinka-induced nightmare!

<Off to the Current Truth board to do a little finger-pointing--and by that I don't mean my "Pinkie" finger!>

NO! How could we have been so foolish?!? (I'm speaking about everyone but me, it should be obvious that such a simple deception could easily fool me- Ooh! Shiny object!) Something must be done about this <picks up phone and begins dialing the number for the New People's Red Army Emergency Response Station> This should settle everything at little or no cost to me.

By Lenin's beard! DIRK is the one who put the red commie man-panties in with the whites! DIRK is the one who posed as Comrade Red Eye (later known as Red Square) in that shower when I awoke from my Putinka-induced nightmare

BWAHAHAHA all part of my evil KKKapitalist plan. With you and the rest of the dupes, I mean Commies busy trying to figure out the mystery of the man-panties I was busy readying exploding hummels for your "empress" (BWAHAHAHA) but it appears my plan has worked even better than I dreamed it would, in that I brought mr./mrs./whatever Reno out of hiding for the last time. BWAHAHAHAHA

Obviously Comrade Dirk is spinning into a delusional state… either that or he is faking it in order to change his guilty plea into a plea of temporary insanity. Either way I'm sure Mr. Reno will be disappointed and move right to capital punishment which, if I'm correct, involves <gulp> a “sleep over”.

Comrade Dirk, as your legal counsel, I would advise that you stick to your guilty plea, criticize yourself and admit to all charges that are being thrust upon you. Trust me, a sleep over with Mr. Reno entails a unhappy ending. Many a Comrade do not walk out alive the next morning and any remains of above mentioned Comrades are… well… never found.

BWAHAHAHAHA Chairman, simple,simple Chairman. Do you not see that the takeover of this last bastion of commie dupes is imminent? The big-oil ninjas are on there way and when they arrive the Cube shall finally belong to his lordship Bushitler. Jante has already been disposed of and the Commissars are next. But I will give you a chance to switch sides. Your reckless greed/certifiable insanity might be useful in rigging the next election. Do we have a deal Chairman? (aims rifle)

Put down that stick, Comrade Dirk. I don't know how you managed to smuggle a stick into these proceedings, but by the stench of it I can only guess. Now just sit there and keep silent while I try to fix your current situation.

Errhhmmm.... Mr. Reno, Your Excellency. Obviously my client is either insane or too mentally incompetent to be tried and therefore these charges must be dimissed. Clearly Comrade Dirk should be subsidized despite his apparent criminal record and be sent into an inner-city of his choosing.

Chairman Punchenko wrote:Errhhmmm.... Mr. Reno, Your Excellency. Obviously my client is either insane or too mentally incompetent to be tried and therefore these charges must be dimissed.

MERCY DENIED, Chairman Punchenko. Criminal Dirk's mental capacity is irrelevant and he is more than fit to stand trial. His refusal to confess to all completely fabricated charges proves that he is suffering from Bush Stubbornness™ and is therefore a threat to a peaceful and progressive society. If anything Comrade Dirk should be a progressive and accept his crimes against the People, the Party and Dear Leader Hillary.

Criminal Dirk – I suggest you fess up to your crimes and pen your name on this confession. All good Party members know when to stop thinking and to accept whatever blame is being thrown upon them. Do yourself a favor and confess now, Criminal Dirk. Confess before it is too late and I decide to have you over for a slumber party.

It is a fortunate thing indeed that this soon to be non-person has been exposed, Clearly he is mentally ill, but as Mr Reno has said, that is irrelevant, It is always sad to see someone so fooled by the Bushitler, as I myself once was, But I came to see the light, and clearly, non-person K (Hmmm, we already have one of those... have to think of a new designation?) has crossed the line. As Director of Mental Health, I can confirm that Mr Reno's diagnosis of BS correct. Sadly some have even developed chronic cases (CBS).

Tsk, tsk, tsk. I never thought that comrade dirk wouuld go off the deep end, but yet, I still have to denouce him.

Ahem, comrade dirk! I denouce you for thought-crimes, stealing from party members, bribing without telling her majesty, and working for George Bush.

Ugh, my head. What happened? Why is this bottle of vodka in my hand? "PWS" never heard of that brand before. I had this crazy dream that I stole everyone's wallets, was put on a show trial, bribed everyone without telling Hillary, became a capitalist and tried to take over the Cube. Sure I'll sign the *belch* confession (scribbles randomly on paper with crayon). Anything for the greater goo... (vomits).

Somehow, I believe it will take more than just saying you signed a confession. Where is the self criticism? We know your crimes, they are clear for all to see. Oh of only you would have listened to the wise words given you earlier....

Can I still shoot him out of a cannon?

Somehow, I believe it will take more than just saying you signed a confession. Where is the self criticism? We know your crimes, they are clear for all to see. Oh of only you would have listened to the wise words given you earlier....

very well Commissar. I shall do my progresive duty (ha ha) and atone my self of my sins against the party.

(hits head with shovel)
Bush is murdering innocent children across the united states by not wasting your money

(hits head again)
Bush caused 9-11 with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney because they were forced to by oil companies who haven't been able to build a refinery in this country since the last ice age (1970)

(hits head again)
Socialism is the most benevolent form of government, just ask the Ukraine.

(hits head with shovel)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4vyU6SG1rjs

comrade dirk wrote:very well Commissar. I shall do my progresive duty (ha ha) and atone my self of my sins against the party.

That was a good start, but what of your crimes? Are you still claiming you were just too drunk? Well, that doesn't fly, for those thought crimes were in your mind before you began your drunken revelry. Your crimes went far beyond the typical thought crime. By your own admission tried to do bodily harm to Hillary and others.

But in the end, it must be Hillary, Nancy, Red Square, or Mr Reno to decide if your high crimes have been atoned for.

Till then, I dare say you will be building socialism "from the ground up" as they say.

That was a good start, but what of your crimes? Are you still claiming you were just too drunk? Well, that doesn't fly, for those thought crimes were in your mind before you began your drunken revelry. Your crimes went far beyond the typical thought crime. By your own admission tried to do bodily harm to Hillary and others.

In response to these allegations I will, in good progressive fashion, blame someone else. HALLIBURTON MADE ME DO IT. He attached the Rovian brain control device which made me a <s> reasonable human being </s> mindless slave to capitalism. PURGE HIM, NOT ME.

But I want to hear how you allowed yourself to be so deceived. How did you allow a Halliburton agent to get so close to do such an act? Were you caught by a Haliburton operative with your hand in his back pocket? Were you dining with the enemy without Party authorization? Come clean! You claim to have scribbled this out on some paper in crayon, but how can we display that to others over the tv or radio? We need an open declaration of your crime. A date and time of your crimes may be nice,

Have you any idea how close you came to hurting the Empress? Had I not intercepted that Hummel, a quite lovely one I might add, and defused it, it would have caused chaos! Chaos instead of being a nice knickknack in my cabinet.

But I want to hear how you allowed yourself to be so deceived. How did you allow a Halliburton agent to get so close to do such an act?

I was ambushed by a team of big oil ninjas. I was just strolling along to my dacha with a bag full of other people's wallets, completely minding my own business, when out of nowhere they fell upon me and forced the evil kapitalist device into my brain and gave me the exploding Hummel.

And when you say "other people's wallets," were the Party member wallets? Hmmm? Just what were your plans as to what you were going to do with this OPM? We are making progress here, and I know we want you to come clean for The Common Good™, A few Hail Hillary's might be a nice touch as well.

And when you say "other people's wallets," were the Party member wallets? Hmmm?

I swear by Stalin that every wallet in there belonged to registered republican voters.

Just what were your plans as to what you were going to do with this OPM? We are making

Why donate it (illegaly) to our most exalted excellency Hillary of course.

A few Hail Hillary's might be a nice touch as well.

Hail Hillary, full of progress. Tax-payer money be upon thee.

Now that is the Progressive spirit Comrade Dirk! Doesn't that make you feel better? I believe your intentions were good, and that goes a long way in the Party. I know I feel better, and I am reasonably certain this will save you from a fate more horrible than words can express, for as the Chairman pointed out, a sleepover with Mr Reno is no walk in the gulag you know?