Comrades,

It is with great pleasure I bring to you this GOOD NEWS from the Peoples Republik of Illinoiz. Pat Quinn, leader of the Politburo, in an historic signing, effectively banned and outlawed forever the Death Penalty in the Landfill of Linkin. After two months of deliberating, meeting with the families of victims of violent crimes and an assortment of Star Wars bar characters, Mr. Quinn chose the only road to go down: the Progressive Road. This significant event proudly puts Illinoiz as the 16th state to outlaw the Death Penalty. For the exclusive and enlightening story to this wonderful event CLICK HERE.


A list of the 15 potential victims, who escaped the possibility of being put to death erroneously are:

• Anthony Mertz, for the 2001 rape, murder and mutilation of an Eastern Illinois University student in Coles County. Feb. 27, 2003

• Teodoro Baez, for killing two people and dismembering their bodies with a samurai sword after a 2000 drug dispute in Cook County. April 26, 2004

• Ricardo Harris, for the 1999 murders of two employees and the wounding of two others during the robbery of an Oak Lawn liquor store. April 26, 2004

• Cecil Sutherland, for the 1988 sexual assault and murder of a disabled 10-year-old girl in Jefferson County. June 16, 2004

• Andrew Urdiales, for the 1997 murder of a 21-year-old Hammond, Ind., woman in Livingston County. Aug. 17, 2004

• Joseph Bannister, for shooting and wounding his former girlfriend and killing her sister in 2001 in Cook County. July 11, 2005

• Paul Runge, for raping and murdering a Chicago woman and her 10-year-old daughter and setting them on fire in 2001. June 6, 2006

• Dion Banks, for the 2001 murder of a woman in Cook County during a carjacking. Banks previously had been sentenced to 25 years in prison for a 1985 murder. Sept. 25, 2006

• Daniel Ramsey, for the 1996 rape and murder of one girl, shooting death of another girl and wounding of three other people in Hancock County. May 23, 2007

• Rodney Adkins, for the 2003 murder of an Oak Park woman during a home invasion and burglary. Aug. 8, 2007.

• Eric Hanson, for the 2005 quadruple murders of his parents, sister and brother-in-law in their homes in Naperville and Aurora. Feb. 27, 2008

• Gary Pate, for the 2006 murders of his wife and stepdaughter in White County. March 20, 2008

• David A. Damm, for the October 2006 murder of a 13-year-old Iowa girl he had been sexually abusing in Jo Daviess County. Oct. 15, 2008

• Brian Dugan, for the 1983 rape and murder of 10-year-old Jeanine Nicarico, abducted from her Naperville home. Nov. 11, 2009

• Edward Tenney, for the 1992 murder of an Aurora resident during a robbery that netted $6. March 9, 2010

Fortunately for these poor souls, who have now received the mercy of the state, they get to spend the rest of their natural lives in prison with no chance of parole. The ostensive "victims" families of these individuals' "crimes" will have to come to accept that in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday such barabarous punishments are no longer considered enlightened, or civil. As an equal progressive society we can no longer lower ourselves to becoming the moral equivalent of murderers, by murdering murderers. And we no longer have the moral authority to judge those who commit heinous crimes because we are no better than they. Equal is what equal does, so live and let live. (except for the victims who aren't available for comment)

The Governor Pat Quinn looks a lot like Larry of the Three Stooges. So I'm guessing the Lt. Governor looks like Moe, but what position is Curly? States Attorney General?

"[highlight=#ffff99]except for the victims who aren't available for comment[/highlight]"
We have the ability to re-animate those victims with the Tri-Oxin 345 I developed. In fact I'm sure several of those you listed probably voted in the last election. Sad part though is they have a lot of trouble speaking. Anyway, such is the Glorious Progressive World we now live in. Is it of small comfort to know that those victims still serve the Party? I hope so...

Grigori E.R. wrote:The Governor Pat Quinn looks a lot like Larry of the Three Stooges. So I'm guessing the Lt. Governor looks like Moe, but what position is Curly? States Attorney General?

three_stooges.jpg

"[highlight=#ffff99]except for the victims who aren't available for comment[/highlight]"
We have the ability to re-animate those victims with the Tri-Oxin 345 I developed. In fact I'm sure several of those you listed probably voted in the last election. Sad part though is they have a lot of trouble speaking. Anyway, such is the Glorious Progressive World we now live in. Is it of small comfort to know that those victims still serve the Party? I hope so...

Isn't the resemblance amazing? But I kid you not: you can't tell one from the other. You'd swear they came from the same womb. As far as the Attorney General, I managed to procure a photo of her for your enlightenment.

IL AG Lisa Madigan

I'm sure you're quite right about the possibility of several of those "victims" voting last election. For all we know, they very well may have voted for Pat Quinn—against their self-interest! But then again, we are only concerned that no innocent life gets taken by an unjust and broken system. It's much easier to grant clemency to all criminal offenders rather than have them sit on death row for several decades. And efficiency knows no bounds when it comes to Pat Quinn trying to make state budgetary ends meet by his most progressive Early Release Program:

Prisoner Release Scandal: Pat Quinn's Early Release Program LOST Dozens Of Parolees

But Pat Quinn, the good man that he is, was quick to make the correction:

Gov. Pat Quinn admitted Wednesday that state corrections officials made a "mistake" in putting hundreds of inmates back on the street after just a few weeks in prison and said he didn't know about his own administration's cost-cutting decision beforehand. Read more here...

After reading your last post this Governor Pat Quinn sounds more like this little fellow:

A bold and courageous move! I'm sure all of these fine citizens will go on to make magnificent contributions to society as soon as they're pardoned.

Oh crap, I hope I didn't spoil the surprise....

Opiate of the People wrote:A bold and courageous move! I'm sure all of these fine citizens will go on to make magnificent contributions to society as soon as they're pardoned.

Oh crap, I hope I didn't spoil the surprise....

Our all-knowing, pillar-of-morality governor has granted clemency for all 15 fine, outstanding and erroneously-placed citizens (except the undocumented ones/citizenship pending). He says they will spend the rest of their natural lives in prison w/o parole. Of course we have heard all this before.

But as for you spoiling the surprise, I don't think so. The real surprise will come in about 5 or 6 years when the Mighty Quinn realizes the cost of keeping alive these vermin misplaced proles. When that reality hits, he will do what's he's best known for: handing out the "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards to all of them. SURPRISE!