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Is There Anyone More Heroic Than Me?

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I want to be a CNN Hero, Comrades. I want to be adored, celebrated and paraded before a live national audience for my selfless deeds.

There is no one more deserving, no one more special and no one more selfless than me. The sacrifices I make on a daily basis in the pursuit of fairness, economic justice and social equality far outweighs the meager contributions of the other hero candidates.

I want the entire world to meet me, Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko. I also want Anderson Cooper to be in awe of me. I want him to see what true greatness really is. I want him to see that greatness is, indeed, Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko.

Comrades, these people, these people trying to con you into thinking they're special, aren't really special at all. I'm the special one. I'm the one who would kindly take away things that belong to others in order to help the ones who are without. I'm the one who will ask a cancer patient to forgo her doctors appointment so that I -- in the service of others -- can instead see the doctor before her to make sure my ass wart isn't contagious and in no way sexually transmittable. I am the one who toils for people, children, pets, the dead and fictional literary characters. I register them to vote, I feed them and care for them. I give them the comfort they so deserve at the expense of those who have so much. Those who make over 42 thousand a year -- those, who know in their heart of hearts, that they could give much, much more if they wanted to.

Image There is but one hero! ME!

I am the one who does the heavy lifting. I am the one who tells the family to tighten their belt when Christmas comes so that Lawanda and Tyrone won't have to worry about work, putting gas in their Cadillac or wondering who is going to pay for the next crack rock. I am the one who goes out of his way to assure poor unemployed and obese Sally and her drunk live-in deadbeat boyfriend Randy that help -- and most importantly, hope -- is on the way in the form of a government stimulus check.

I am the one who cares for these people, Comrades. I am the one who begrudgingly rolls out of his 1,500 thread count sheets every afternoon, showers in his marble bathroom, puts on his $1500 pair of shoes, and rides in the back seat of a limo to his Madison Ave. office on the 88th floor -- his office with the solid-gold doors with etched panels of suffering American families proudly displayed for all to see.

Etched panels that denote the Maureen Philips of our country who have to make the difficult decision of choosing between her prescription medication or a night's helping of delicious cat food. Etched panels with the struggle of Daniel Gales who recently lost his job at the Ford plant in Beavershire. Daniel use to be the man who held the clipboard at the plant and who would regularly check off the boxes on the said clipboard. No one could hold a clipboard like Daniel could. And no one could check off the boxes like Daniel could either. His family had a long tradition at that Ford plant -- a long tradition of holding clipboards, checking off boxes and pushing buttons. But now, Daniel Gales, like so many other Americans, can no longer rely on an economy gutted by the likes of George Bush, Republicans and white people in general. No longer will Daniel be able to check off boxes and no longer will Maureen be able to have both her medication and a warm can of cat food.

I ask for nothing, Comrades. I don't ask for gold statues to be dedicated in my honor. No, I do not ask for such lofty tokens of other people's admiration because, well, I'm not dead yet. But while living I do ask for a little recognition. I do ask to be celebrated every once and a while and CNN is providing people like me that opportunity.

Comrades, the world deserves to share in my accomplishments. The world deserves to hear my story of selflessness, sacrifice and caring about those unable to care for themselves. I deserve to -- no! -- I am entitled to become CNN's Hero and I am entitled to be able to parade before the world in all of my selfless, progressive and radiating glory!

Help me realize my dream, Comrades.

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Glorius Chairman

Set computer machine to auto-vote 500,000,000 times. Is workstation can do it easy. Machine logs on and says name not found. They're Stealing election!

I know. No excuses. Please not Gulag. I'll try harder next time.

I remain,
Your Humble Servant

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My Glorious, Exalted, and Magnificent Chairman,

Where do I go to vote? There is no question in the Cube's collective mind that you are the only nomination that they (CNN) need to consider for this prestigious award! You are so right about your selfless service and they (CNN) should know that already. But, just in case they (CNN) do not, I will start a petition immediately. Can you send me some backup to help convince any naysayers? Perhaps a Truthstormer detail to derail any misgivings the proles might entertain? Please count on me to vote as many times as necessary, my Leader!

your kowtowing servant,Image
Che' Gourmet

PS - Oh crap, they are airing this tomorrow? I'd better get crackin'!!!

I really liked that Carolyn Le Croy profile. I think jail time should be a prerequisite for every nominee. If you have spent time in Bush's gulag, then you more then deserve special recongnition. Especially if you are doing things like making the gulag a better place to live. Just ask Gary Gilmore, Tukie Williams and Mumia Jamal (who awairs martyrdome)! They are our martyrs, our saviors, our heroes and true patriots who sacrificed themselves for the good of so many who slave away in Bush's gulag!

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Comrade Chairman, most equal of us all, of course you deserve, nay, are entitiled to this prestigious recognition! Your selfless actions serve as a reminder to us all of how the most equal of our society always keep those less equal at the forefront of their minds.

Also, Comrade Gourmet, is there a way I can obtain some of this crackin' material? From what I gather of Comrade Chairman's post, you can receive payment from him.

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Chairman, CNN informs me that they are prepared to give you the award but you must verify one thing. Do you have any ACTUAL accomplishments? If so, you are NOT qualified to receive the award or be the POTUS.

Chairman,

If CNN fails to recognize your magnificence, then they must be placed onto Our Dear Leader's list of Subversives, for the Stormtruthers to deal with. Along with the heroic deeds you've described, you were also instrumental in raising much needed money for the Messiah's campaign. Remind these "journalists" of this when you submit your accomplishments for their consideration.

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Chairman Meow; I went to CNN in Atlanta. I spoke to them, and not once did I mention that should they not appease me that a trip to Siberia was in the senior staff's future. One of the little turds had the audacity to ask who the hell Chairman M. S. Punchenko was. Marshal Pupovich, who drove us there and I were stunned. Pupovich walked out to the Zil and returned with an AK-47, and a photo of you. At this point security showed up and then the police. They then arrested Pupovich and he was shipped off to Jail or the (Pound).

As for me I snuck out while Pupovich was snapping and growling. But Chairman I know you would have been proud of me. I lifted Pupovich's wallet and Keys to his car before they hauled him off. I drove to Myrtle Beach South Carolina, and am enjoying the penthouse suite at the Crown Reef, all on Pupovich Credit cards. I proudly say I learned from the master, you fearless leader!!!

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Red Star wrote:Chairman Meow; I went to CNN in Atlanta. I spoke to them, and not once did I mention that should they not appease me that a trip to Siberia was in the senior staff's future. One of the little turds had the audacity to ask who the hell Chairman M. S. Punchenko was. Marshal Pupovich, who drove us there and I were stunned. Pupovich walked out to the Zil and returned with an AK-47, and a photo of you. At this point security showed up and then the police. They then arrested Pupovich and he was shipped off to Jail or the (Pound).

As for me I snuck out while Pupovich was snapping and growling. But Chairman I know you would have been proud of me. I lifted Pupovich's wallet and Keys to his car before they hauled him off. I drove to Myrtle Beach South Carolina, and am enjoying the penthouse suite at the Crown Reef, all on Pupovich Credit cards. I proudly say I learned from the master, you fearless leader!!!

Comrade,

Maybe not Siberia. For CNN Alaska would be Dante's Inferno, only colder.

I love Myrtle Beach. I'm only 40 minutes away..... Damn that cheap, free gas. Collective's '94 Honda won't start.

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Grigori E.R. please come over Comrade, we will drink vodka at the dawg house, go down a see what the capitalist pigs are doing at "Suck Bang and Blow" and then go look at the Pigs at the Doll House. Perhaps we can run up to Wilmington NC and hang around my Old home town, and see some of the old crew of Comrades and Comradetts. Besides I still have Pupovichs credit cards. He'll be locked up for awhile I am sure.

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Chairman,

CNN has shown itself to be of questionable political reliability. Not only did they once employ that war mongering alcoholic former DJ Mormon imperialist propagandist Glenn Beck, but they continue to employ the infamous oppressor of immigrant worker masses, Lou Dobbs.

Not only that, but they are known to cover something known as "business" news, which actually a thinly disguised celebration of the triumphs of the capitalist oppressors.

So , Comrade Chairman, I would take their rejection of you as a badge of honor.


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For some reason this thread is an announcement? Hmm... how does one turn that off? I mean, I think me becoming a CNN hero is important, but not that important.

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Don't underestimate the importance of being important.

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Good holy Lenin,Meow,it's always about you,isn't it?
Meow,Meow,Meow!


Of course I'll vote for you. Early and often.

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Chairman,

Thank you... thank you so much! With the end of the most recent U.S. election cycle, this humble Party™ Necroproxy Preservationist now has a solid job to rely on, after the fear of having nobody (no bodies?) to register to vote for the next four years. I, like Mr. Gales, was looking forward to a bleak future, with my only responsibilities being the laundering of your 1500 thread count sheets and tighty whiteys, and dusting your Hummel collection for the next four years... Four years of drudgery and fabric softener, and cleaning up your vomit... You can imagine, I have been mightily depressed since November 4th.

But Dear Chairman, you have once again rekindled my hope. I have a purpose again. My shovel will not go unused, as I have begun to madly dig up the recently interred before the Kanadistanjian winter freezes the ground too solidly, and a brand spanking new crop of necroproxies will shortly be supporting your bid for CNN Hero of the Year... an honour you are most certainly worthy of. In fact, there is no one more worthy of such an honour.

You will have your victory Meow, or my name isn't Sister!

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Honorable Chairman,
We fellow comrades already know you deserve all ten nominations, but, why not just take control of CNN? f you took control of CNN, you could have a station to watch us all the time on our Telescreens.

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Red Star wrote:Chairman Meow; I went to CNN in Atlanta. I spoke to them, and not once did I mention that should they not appease me that a trip to Siberia was in the senior staff's future. One of the little turds had the audacity to ask who the hell Chairman M. S. Punchenko was. Marshal Pupovich, who drove us there and I were stunned. Pupovich walked out to the Zil and returned with an AK-47, and a photo of you. At this point security showed up and then the police. They then arrested Pupovich and he was shipped off to Jail or the (Pound).

As for me I snuck out while Pupovich was snapping and growling. But Chairman I know you would have been proud of me. I lifted Pupovich's wallet and Keys to his car before they hauled him off. I drove to Myrtle Beach South Carolina, and am enjoying the penthouse suite at the Crown Reef, all on Pupovich Credit cards. I proudly say I learned from the master, you fearless leader!!!

Yes yes, my little ruse worked to perfection! Oh, I do hope you enjoyed yourself comrade, taking that People's auto and People's wallet.....but you bought me the time I needed to collect a contribution out of the far gazing eyes of our illustrious thieving Meowovitch.... who I of course admire above all.

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There is no one more heroic than you, dear Leader...I have instructed Factory 795 to produce an action figure in your likeness:

Image OK, we could have our glorious Chairman action figure sitting at his desk, counting his money and denouncing comrades with courage and skill. Or we could put him in a fantasy guitar-hero situation showing off his impressive physique, his powerful presence, and considerable talent. Here he is slashing away at his axe, pandering to the decadent youth of American culture. Their empty heads will be filled with his progressive lyrics to entice them into Marxism for Marxism's sake. Just think of the irony as they flock to buy their own re-education. Beloved Chairman, you get the last laugh!

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That reminds me of a certain someone in a certain video game involving a certain music instrument.




 
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