WASHINGTON D.C. - Dr. Reichlinger, the Obama-appointed czar of mental health, has released a paper suggesting that conservatism may be a form of mental illness, describing the observable symptoms of various mental disorders that blend together to create a conservative.
One such symptom, which resembles Tourette syndrome (TS), causes conservatives to blurt out racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic, and otherwise offensive ideas with little or no concern to the feelings of those who may potentially read their statements on the Internet or watch them later on YouTube.
The above symptom, which Dr. Reichlinger identifies as "straight talk" (ST), aggravates the severity of the conservative mental health crisis by obstructing any attempt to correct them or to stop them from uttering socially obscene ideas, as it makes them more verbally combative. Once confronted, all subjects in the control group tended to revert to a false idea that any speech, even if it causes others to experience emotional discomfort, is their inalienable right, which they believe is enough to justify their socially offensive utterances.
The second symptom, which Dr. Reichlinger labels as "Constitutionalism," is akin to extreme paranoia, resulting in a wrongful distrust of the federal government. The inflicted often express their delusions among their own kind, encouraging each other and reinforcing their own beliefs in hallucinations about "the invisible hand" and self-created fantasies about a "limited" government. It is for this reason that conservative social media pages and postings need to be censored if there is ever going to be hope that we as a society can control and possibly eliminate this unfortunate mental disorder. As long as the patients are allowed to spread their debilitating ideas unobstructed, their condition will only worsen and can potentially infect younger, otherwise healthy minds, drawing them into this delusional and dysfunctional worldview.
In addition, as Dr. Reichlinger points out, victims of conservatism often suffer from denial, which ties into their distrust of the government. "Such patients typically proclaim Obama's policies to be a failure, flatly denying all the magnificent accomplishments of this administration. Many of them believe that President Obama's progressive ideas represent 'magical thinking' due to his 'childish' faith in 'nonexistent' powers of the central government, but they are incapable of seeing their own beliefs as childish and simplistic, which is highly ironic," writes Dr. Reichlinger.
These are the biggest but hardly the only symptoms of the mental illness described by the Obama official. Dr. Reichlinger wraps up his paper with a conclusion that those affected by conservatism may pose a serious danger to themselves, as well as to their families and entire communities. As a preventive measure, the author suggests that individuals with this condition should not have access to firearms. He further recommends that known conservatives be added to a 'no buy list' in the national database, which should become a key feature in future background checks before purchasing a gun.
In another recommendation, Dr. Reichlinger insists that those who suffer the most extreme symptoms should be institutionalized under federal law and remain in official custody until government scientists determine a proper mixture of medications and tranquilizers that would adjust the patients' thought patterns and prevent the spreading of their disorder to others. This may involve a lifetime post-treatment therapy , including reasoning exercises and a constant repetition of healthy progressive sayings, quotations, and election slogans.
Many in the progressive ranks, including Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) and Dianne Feinstein (D-Ca), to name a few, have expressed their support of Dr. Reichlinger's recommendations, making known that they will be completely on board should the President legislate such actions by executive order.
President Obama, while generally approving of Dr. Reichlinger's ideas, has expressed a concern that the existing government infrastructure may not be sufficient at this time, with not enough space, nor the workforce required to detain and care for hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of prospective patients. He, however, has promised to put the nation's top minds to work on constructing the new facilities, as well as recruiting and training the necessary personnel.
"This project has the potential to end the problem of unemployment in the United States, especially among the newly arrived immigrants with no education or professional skills," said the President.
Hammer and LoupeHigh time we open asylums for this disease. We cannot allow it to spread amongst the population. In the heyday of the glorious Soviet Worker's Paradise, we used to call them "Gulags." Of course, here we call them "camps" to make them seem more fun and exciting; it's a psychological tactic to make people want to go to them, to want to accept their punishment. If it helps, imagine that bourgeoisie Oliver Twist getting a righteous beating for failing to meet his Komissar's mandated quota for a suitably progressive task and then saying "Please, sir, may I have some more?"
Would not with a goat? What's he got against goats? He makes me sick.
Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that a republic is the best known form of government, that capitalism creates wealth, that American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, that people all over the world desire liberty and prosperity, that Third World countries should be self-reliant, that moral standards are absolute and objective, that the individual supersedes the collective, that parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, and similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane. Everyone knows that the complete opposite is true.
As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.
The article below also provides recommendations on best therapies have proven effective in clinical trials.
Republicanism Caused By Brain Disorder, Mutation
A composite sketch of a progressive brain took twice as much time to map because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted conservative brain.
OksanaTheTerribleSince I've already won the kollectives electroshock therapy challenge, I'm afraid a lobotomy is in order.
Did you lose your Jiffy Lobo voucher? You should have received it with your Obamaphone and Obamacare Gold Card. You can take free People's Transit down to your local welfare office to receive a duplicate copy (if you can squeeze onto the bus). Just call to schedule a visit during business hours (10-2, except during our four hour lunch, 10-2) or come on down, take a number, and stand in line, but don't come late (after ten), or your number will never be called.