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Merger of Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies approved

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Galactic News, Stardate -308582.5: Today the Justice Department, along with the Commerce, Transportation, Treasury, and various other alphabetical departments have announced the approval of the biggest merger in history: of the Andromeda Galaxy and our own Milky Way.

"This has been in the works since the early days of Obama's presidency," said Ivana Suyu, Justice Department spokeswoman. "Although the merger will not happen for two billion years, we wanted to have everything in order and ensure that there is fairness for our galaxy," she added.

Considering the number of issues involved, approval of the merger required intense participation of just about every department in Washington.

The Treasury needed to make sure the Andromeda Galaxy has not filed for bankruptcy in the last billion years. "Talk about too big to fail," says Phillip Porkbarrel, a high ranking Treasury advisor. "We couldn't bail them out even by executive order; there isn't enough space on planet Earth and the moon combined, to print up and store the extra money needed to bail out a galaxy."

Then there were wormhole connections, dimensional gateways, hyperspace lanes, smuggling routes and other related items that required approval of the Commerce and Transportation Departments.
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The Departments of Agriculture, Education, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services will coordinate efforts in accommodating the influx of undocumented space aliens from both galaxies, who will be welcomed on planet Earth with EBT cards, free tuition at college, free medical care, housing, and other diversity benefits that will help them to populate our planet without the need to learn our carbon-based culture.

A special Cloward-Piven interagency fund will pay for an army of translators from every galactic language until the time the last uncurious earthling gets around to speaking alien.

The new combined galaxy will be known as Andromeda-Milky. "Of course we would have preferred our galaxy's name to be first, but we made a concession to make sure we're all at the top of the alphabet. They also made quite a few concessions that benefit us," explained Suyu. According to insiders, some of these concessions include finding employment for President Barack Obama once his second presidential term expires.

Preliminary reports suggest that on Earth-date January 20, 2017, Barack Obama will assume the title of Galactic Emperor of both the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies, at which time he will be given the ability to zap people with lightning from his fingers, along with a red light saber and a cloak with a hoodie.

The new dual empire will be modeled after Austria-Hungary but on a much larger scale. Once the galaxies are physically merged four to six billion years from now, Emperor Obama's job will be to consolidate them into one single unit on the principles of social, environmental, and gravitational justice, ensuring equality of all planets regardless of their color, orbit, temperature, or the presence of intelligent life on the surface.

The Andromeda Galaxy to provide Emperor Obama with an Imperial Fleet flying him to the hottest vacation spots in either galaxy or elsewhere across the universe.

"The Obamas have already been everywhere on planet Earth, and that annual three-or-four-week vacation to Hawaii is starting to get old," explained the White House official enforcer and R&R coordinator, Darth ValJar.

"The president's fine tastes entitle him to see the best of what other galaxies have to offer. First Empress Michelle Obama will be provided with a separate Imperial Fleet even if she is traveling to the same location as her husband, and each family pet will also get an Imperial Fleet for separate travel," Darth ValJar said.

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The dual galactic empire will consist of 57 trillion planets, which Obama intends to keep all in line with the help of The Golf Star - a gigantic, remotely controlled golf club that will exist in space, allowing him to practice his golf swing and make it clear that he is to be obeyed. Should any galactic entity get out of line, the emperor will swing the club and send that planet or entire solar system into the nearest black hole.

Some Republican critics are already questioning Barack Obama's plans to be around during the galactic merger two billion years from now, providing evidence that most humans do not live beyond 122 years at best. "President Obama is superior to regular human beings," says outgoing White House spokesperson Jay Carney. "Besides, government scientists are working on a plan to download Obama's mind into the Honda robot to which he bowed to a while back. If anything breaks down in that robot over time, it can be then simply replaced."

Other critics have noted that by that time the earth will likely be either engulfed by the sun or become uninhabitable as our sun becomes a red giant. "The President and First Lady plan to co-sign an executive order banning the sun from doing this, giving a whole new meaning for the term 'global warming'," a White House insider explained. "The order will categorize the sun as a monopoly that ought to be broken up into smaller suns and redistributed if necessary. If that doesn't work, the Emperor will be relocated to a new home world on Saturn's moon Titan, which should be warm enough by then. Contingency plans involve returning planetary status to Pluto, where Obama can be urgently relocate if Titan doesn't work out."

Quite predictably, Republicans have not signed onto the merger, questioning the need, the costs, and the lack of free elections to the office of the Galactic Emperor. "The obstructionist party of 'NO' is at it again," says Congressman Maximilian Wastealot (D-NY). "All we're trying to do here is a simple merger of two galaxies, why do we even need oversight? Why do we need to deal with messy and costly elections when the President has already volunteered to give up his retirement and take on the burdens of the position of Galactic Emperor? This is why Republicans and Tea Parties are going to be banned in the new empire. I trust they will change their position once they become acquainted with what comes out of the new Emperor's fingers," he quipped.

According to inside sources, the office of U.S. president in post-Obama America will become a mostly ceremonial position and will be phased out over time, as Emperor Barack and Empress Michelle plan to rule the galaxies as autocrats.

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I don't think this becomes official until Amerikka's National Treasure, Uncle Joe Biden announces that "This is a big f---ing deal...."

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Does He then get to be known as Darth Hussein?

O-Darth.jpg

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"For the First Time in My Adult Lifetime, I'm Really Proud of My Galaxy!"

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Why am I always the last one to hear about these things, damn it? How am I supposed to do my job when nobody tells me what's happening till it already happened? I'm going to appoint a select committee and get to the bottom of this outrageous behavior...I mean it! Period! This is unacceptable! Laws need to be passed, rules changed, regulations written, heads must roll comrades! This must never, ever, ever happen again! Do you hear me? Where's my phone?

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This is good news, it will create a galaxy that is too big to fail.

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Comrades Tovarichi, Anyer Marx, Fhalkyn, Zordon, and Opiate, LOL! And so true on all of them! Comrade Anyer Marx, most equal and excellent photo of Emperor Dear Leader!

Comrade Captain, well, just be like Dear Leader and read it in the news or watch it on TV. Then you'll be informed and insulated from blame for anything you did.

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Workers of the galaxies, unite!

Long live friendship and cooperation between the Milky Way and the Andromeda galaxies!


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Now that this excellent editorial has been illustrated, it gets to be featured on the Mother Page!

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This won't be like the merger of Russia and Crimea, will it?

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Comrade Red Square, thanks, as always for the most equal and perfect illustrations! I am one of the many progs in this happy gulag that is sort of Photoshop challenged. And thanks very much for featuring it on the Mother Page!

Comrade Thought Sheriff, I think it will end up being just like Russia and Crimea, actually. Word has it that Galactic News Network (GNN...with better ratings than CNN AND in more spaceports than CNN is in airports!) has more to come....

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This just in, Comrades...

Galactic News Network (GNN), Stardate -308590.2: Residents of satellite galaxies orbiting the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies were incensed upon learning about the merger of the two larger galaxies.

"You would think they might give us a 120 day comment period," complained Q34CJEA, from the planet M199456 in the Messier 32 galaxy. "We have suffered enough what with Andromeda annexing our center and forcing us to revolve around them. Now we have some new Emperor from another rich galaxy planning to control us? I tell you, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer!"

"President Obama has always held a special place in his heart for the poor. While there is no need to buy votes now that future Emperor Obama will be ruling as an absolute monarch, he promises to alleviate their disappointment. The United States will provide galactic aid to all the creatures of the 57 trillion inhabitable worlds provided they accept and use our definition of free reproductive health care," said outgoing White House spokesman Jay Carney.

"Now we know what our chancellor meant when he told Mr. Obama from the Milky Way that he would have more flexibility after his election! And look, just because the new Emperor is from over in the Milky Way, stop referring to our galaxies and planets with terms THEY use to label us!" yelled D4PO, a golden robot with artificial intelligence.

"Opinions such as this are generally in the minority of a few who will never be satisfied. The general public typically rejects such ideas. And, our party typically congregates in more heavily populated places so we must cater to them. We can't even worry about the opinions of those further out on the spiral arms of our own Milky Way. Earth's solar system is located more towards the dense center of the galaxy," replied an unnamed Democratic Party leader who is sometimes confused with Medusa.

"Why should we submit to an inferior human species whose brains are one third the size of ours, merely because their galaxy has more dark matter and greater mass?" shouted Quiwwwwwwyeyecjnvdn, whose brain occupies much more of his large head than humans.

When asked about this, official enforcer Darth ValJar explained "The president has a really big brain, having the burden of being so bright. It's just that like a computer, his powerful brain comes in a small package." Her face became angry as she added "As to this reference to dark matter, this is clearly a veiled racist statement. Evidently there are some bitter clingers even 2 million light years away who are against the idea of the first black Emperor. Racism against the Emperor will not be tolerated in the new empire. We've been waiting for a place to test the Golf Star. And I want you to know that the president's swing is perfect. This racist's planet was sent into the singularity of the nearest black hole. NOW those creatures have something to complain about in regards to "dark matter"....before they are crushed into infinite density," she noted, smiling.

Opiate of the People wrote:This is good news, it will create a galaxy that is too big to fail.
A galaxy too big to fail? Maybe the bailout check will have a zero for each star in both galaxies!

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Speaking of galaxy's and 'to big to fail' it reminds me of that pesky debt.

"There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers." - Richard Feynman

https://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson ... ig_numbers

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No problem Comrade Z. A single 100 trillion dollar coin will cover our debt. (well, most of it)

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Comrades, from what I have learned the Andromeda galaxy is coming to US. We are not going to them. Andromeda will cause the collision/merger, not the other way around. Naturally our galaxy's Dear Leader should be their Dear Leader too. So, all these reichwinger racists over in the Andromeda galaxy who are just upset at the idea of the First Black Emperor™ should just shut up. If they don't like it, they should keep their galaxy over in THEIR part of the universe!

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if I like my galaxy, can I keep my galaxy? Period?

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Comrade Tovarichi, most definitely. If you like you like your galaxy you can keep your galaxy. Period.**


**Until Andromeda comes crashing into the Milky Way and messes up your galaxy. And assuming Dear Leader does not have a temper tantrum have to punish so many star systems in your galaxy by swinging them into a black hole and causing your galaxy to be unrecognizable. No guarantees.

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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:Comrade Tovarichi, most definitely. If you like you like your galaxy you can keep your galaxy. Period.**


**Until Andromeda comes crashing into the Milky Way and messes up your galaxy. And assuming Dear Leader does not have a temper tantrum have to punish so many star systems in your galaxy by swinging them [highlight=#ffff00]into a black hole[/highlight] and causing your galaxy to be unrecognizable. No guarantees.
You have said "black hole" as if it were something bad. Fie! Dog whistle!* Raaaaaacist!

*Not that I am implying that there is something wrong with whistles for dogs, mind you.


 
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