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MSNBC Calls Election for Barack Obama!

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In a bold move likely to make broadcasting history, MSNBC today declared Barack Obama the winner of the 2012 election, more than six months before the first vote will be cast.

Citing results obtained from their super-sophisticated hyper-sensitive voter profiling analysis tools, which can also determine an individual's area code and phone number from ancient tree ring data, MSNBC spokesperson Ima Demmachrat related "We realize we may be jumping the gun a little bit here, but we just have soooo much confidence in our computer vote analysis thingamajig. It's never wrong - just ask President Kerry. We just couldn't keep the good news to ourselves any longer. Chris's leg started twitching like a Secret Service man in a Columbian bar when we told him. It's wonderful."

President-reelect Barack Obama welcomed the good news but said he would hold off on making a victory speech for a few hours to give opponent Mitt Romney a chance to concede. "Mr. Romney was a worthy opponent," the President stated, "but we knew if we told the truth to the American people, that everything that goes wrong is George Bush's fault, in the end we would prevail."

Shortly thereafter, Mr. Obama remarked to an aide, "OK, call Putin and tell him Alaska is his." It was believed the president did not realize his mike was still open at the time.

Prospective GOP nominee Mitt Romney immediately condemned MSNBC, labelling the call as another instance of media bias favoring Barack Obama and the Democrats. A prominent journolist immediately blasted Romney, stating that "Accusations of media bias are a myth. Romney and his Nazi pig GOP friends are always lying about our side. They make me sick. I hope they all die horrible deaths and the sooner, the better. I hate them all."

Some political observers reacted cautiously, noting that not even the New Hampshire hamlet of Dixville Notch had cast votes yet. But others were more willing to go out on a limb; one, who spoke off the record, said "I always knew Obama would be re-elected. Nobody I know voted for Romney."

Early or not, media experts believe now Obama's victory is a fait accompli. "Once the first news organization calls an election, the others rush to jump on the bandwagon. No one wants to be left too far behind in the news cycle," declared one very excited broadcaster who expected the major networks and national press to quickly follow suit in declaring Obama the winner.

But what about the voters? Don't they matter anymore? "Listen," he responded, "We're the media, we don't let the facts get in the way of a good story, especially when it's one we really want to tell."

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Opiate of the People wrote:... results obtained from their super-sophisticated hyper-sensitive voter profiling analysis tools...

This is the same system they used to determine that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42.

I should know. I sold it to them.

Wanna buy a slightly used solar panel company?

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Thank goodness it's finally over. This election year's really taken it out of me.


Raum Emmanual Goldstein
TheLastCapitalist wrote:
Opiate of the People wrote:... results obtained from their super-sophisticated hyper-sensitive voter profiling analysis tools...

This is the same system they used to determine that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42.

I should know. I sold it to them.

Wanna buy a slightly used solar panel company?

Actually, no... We appreciate the hardware, Kom. Last, but the magic was in the software provided by Al Gore.

We adapted sophisticated computer modelling sofetware used previously by climatologists to accurately predict the rise of mean surface temperatures in the decades ahead due to Anthropogenic Climate Change (i.e. the same computer models that prove non-liberal-owned SUVs, hot air seaping from TEA-baggers, and untaxed cow flatulance will bring about our demise if we do not take drastic measures).


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Hearing of this most recent electoral victory by Dear Leader and the glorious Party it sure gives meaning to their motto, "vote early and vote often".

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This cannot be!

If the election is cut short, what will happen to the Billion Dollars that Dear Leader has accumulated for the benefit of this election? WHO WILL BUY MY VOTE?

And YOURS, comrades?

Will you take the "opportunity for jobs" offered by the Mormon, or will you SOAK in the free stuff offered by Dear Leader (PBUH) ??? Choose wisely, comrades.

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A most Glorious Day For the Workers of America


 
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