In a dramatic development following the his recent rejection of the controversial proposed Keystone XL pipeline, genius president Barack Obama today revealed a new compromise route he designed and immediately signed the order permitting construction to begin. President Obama said his new route would preserve the pristine oil and pipe-free nature of central US wetlands while satisfying America's economic desires for more jobs and not-quite-as-cheap-as-it-used-to-be Canadian crude.

Numerous union leaders and corporate donors immediately fainted dead away upon seeing Obama's proposed route, ecstatic at the zillions of new jobs and demand for materials and services that will be required. The president was barely able to hide the look of satisfaction on his teleprompter as he commented that this proposal would finally put to rest his right-wing racist critics' charges that he is incompetent, has no business knowledge and does not know what he is doing on the economy. The GOP base seemed to agree as all remaining candidates for the party's presidential nomination quickly declared their intention to give up and drop out of the race.

"Obama is just unbeatable," sighed one forlorn racist candidate's advisor, "he's just too damn smart for us."

"We were expecting an October surprise," commented another operative, "but no way we expected it in January. This guy is playing 10 dimensional chess while our guys are playing marbles. And LOSING them!"

A spokesman for Jon Huntsman, who had recently ended his quest for the Rethuglican nomination, stated he is considering reviving his candidacy. Now, as then, no one cares.

Below is a map of the incredibly nifty compromise route. The pipeline is anticipated to be in operation by the year 2200. Read it and weep, racists!

As of yet there has been no reaction from Canadian PM Stephen Harper who had threatened to sell his country's oil to China if Keystone was not approved. However, it would appear he is in good spirits as he was overheard laughing uncontrollably shortly after Obama's announcement.

Even though it crosses through Alaska, across Russia, across Asia, through the South China Sea, and then then into Indonesian waters, it then threatens the penquins as it crosses Antartica. WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS!!! Are they less important that the whales? Every species is equal! Back to the drawing board.


--KOOK

KOOK wrote:Even though it crosses through Alaska, across Russia, across Asia, through the South China Sea, and then then into Indonesian waters, it then threatens the penquins as it crosses Antartica. WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS!!! Are they less important that the whales? Every species is equal! Back to the drawing board.


--KOOK

Comrade, penguins do not vote. Even more importantly, penguins do not contribute to election campaigns.

Oh, yeah?



--KOOK

Our Comrades at "Occupy South Pole" would never stand for such capitalistic endeavors. Viva La Revolucion!

True, Tovarichi. Very true.

But the new pipeline route would go right through China, who, as we all know, generously contribute to America's Progressive Presidential candidates.

( Just ask Comrade Clinton ! )

Perhaps BP can take responsibility for the ocean floor pipelines. They have a history of supporting Dear Leaders economics payout programs...

KOOK wrote:Oh, yeah?



--KOOK

Dear Leader Obama and the Party respect the rights of all large contributors species but sooner or later you've eaten enough fish and besides, he's got an election to win a public that he has pledged to serve. So he's decided to relocate the penguins to a suitable place. VP Biden has suggested Arizona. Go Giants!

Glorious News, Comrades!!! Today, January 20'th, is National Penguin Awareness Day!!!
Let's celebrate by showing our support of "Occupy Antarctica!"