Comrades:

As one of the People's official party liaisons to ACORN, I have been tasked with finding Obama's lost “Mojo.” It has been painfully apparent that it has gone missing over the last several months. One of the first glaring examples was his abject failure inability to procure the Olympics for his cronies the heroic people of Chicago. This of course was easily pinned on explained away by making it Oprah's & Michelle's fault. After that was his less than stellar performance at the Global Warming Summit and then most recently he was unable to give Coakley the much needed boost to win the Massachusetts senate seat. Clearly his Mojo is gone!! I of course do not need to tell you what a potential disaster this could be for the Party, especially if Obama is seen to be as lackluster as Michael Steele.

I have been whipping the ACORN canvassers like sled dogs motivating my workers to keep looking but so far I have been unable to locate it. I have concluded that it is likely gone for good. So until the other Party members can whip up some new disaster that Obama can publically handle with flair, my only immediate solution to the problem is to fit Obama with a nice shiney new pair of “Neuticals”

The “Neuticals” will give Obama the appearance of having a “full sack” and hopefully will give him the confidence to read boldly from his teleprompter regain his mystique and great orator skills.


(Pictured Neuticles are far larger than implanted size.)

P.S. Michelle's purse was the first place we looked!!

Robot, what is that screen on the end? Is that a speaker which broadcasts message from Noble Space Dog Laika? We cannot have His O'lines with a standard-issue superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array tin-foil hat; we'd have to nail it to his head to keep it from falling off, so much does he look down his nose.

I think that it's unkind of you to suggest that Michelle has his junk in her purse. His junk is in a jar in the Lincoln Bedroom where Michelle can chuckle that it's overlooking the place where Slick Willie accosted women, and Barry O cannot.

And when you consider that Gennifer Flowers said, "Hillary Clinton has fat ankles and Bill has a small penis," then you'll know how wounding that is.

Commissar Theocritus:

Good eye comrade! The screen on those testicular protheses is actually an electronic grind specially designed by the Party' scientists. This grid is synced to his teleprompter to give him a little jolt if he starts stuttering or going off what is written. Axelrod, Emanuel, Jarrett and other people who hold his leash classified inner party members also have remote access to them.

Unfortunately the bugs have not been entirely worked out. Triggering Obama's implants sometimes fires other people's Neuticals! Remember how Chris' leg use to tingle when Obama talked? ooppss, I might have said too much.......

Brilliant! Neuticals are a Wave of The Future(TM) for Progressive politicians everywhere!

We must denounce Chris Matthews. On election night <a href="https://www.jessicaswell.com/mt/archive ... mments">he actually had a run-in with Rachel Madcow.</a>.

This is <i>most</i> unprog.

Yes, really, deep down, they are so much alike. They would even make a lovely couple, if they just gave it a chance. Perhaps a visit to the Rancho del Rio might stir the sparks of romance between them.

Didn't I mention that Rachel Madcow has come to the Rancho? Unfortunately she doesn't have eyes for Chris. She's infatuated with the Hildo Turbo Hydra 7.5.

Bruno can't stand her. He says that she sounds like a foghorn and can talk the paper off the walls, and coming from him that's quite something.

Not to mention:

Chris had the audacity to challenge the great and powerful Dean....I was horrified when the Dean had to defend himself, by pointing out the obvious that the Comrades in the Peoples Republic of Massachusetts, were simple feeling that Marsha Coakley was NOT Progressive enough!!! This should have been very clear to Chrissy. The nerve of Chrissy to have even attempted to argue with "The Dean" Chrissy needs to bow down and say 1000 Hail Obamas!!!

Leninka, great idea but I fear that Keith Overbite might get a bit jealous, I think he has an eye for Chrissy.

Commissar Red Star CEO Hemlock Hospitality ® INC
Director of Kicking Doors at Midnight
Keeper of the sacred Plasma Cutter
Herdsman of Rainbow Farting Unicorns
Defender of the Faith

Comrades:

I am glad you mentioned the boot licking and kool aid injecting wonderful patriot and front person Rachael Maddow whose unwavering faith and devotion to our propaganda Party line is a shining example for us all. When she walks and speaks that clanking sound is not merely a coincidence. She and Hillary Clinton were fitted with an earlier precursor to Neuticals; big brass balls. We were thinking of fitting Obama with a pair however, it was thought to be too unseemly to hear them over the sound of the harp, lyre, tambourine and flute music that occurs every time he speaks.


See what Rachael hangs off the back of her truck:






Here's what hangs between Hillary's legs:

Comrade Proletarian, this is a truly superb idea! I knew had been pondering the whereabouts of said 'mojo' and I too suggest we check Mo handbag. (I did detect a rather musty order a few days back.) Could Bo the dog have buried then in the yard? But I digress. These Neuticles appear just right! Not too big, as to be burdensome or noticeable (we don't want the Republikans to talk) nor too small so to be mistakes for some cereal additives. I'm sure these will be most pleasing to our great Leader.

But, you might consider sending along a pair of brass ones for use when address Faux News!

Raisin anyone?

Do they make those for RINO's too (Newticles)? Gee, I hope not. I hear that Gingrich recently suggested that the GOP needs to sit down and reach some compromise on ObamaCare^TM

I also worry that if Obama gets these implants he may start taking a tougher line on Islamic terrorism Man-Made Disasters of the Non-Denominational Kind. Now that we've finally won the muslim menace Religion of Peace over to our side we don't want to re-alienate them.

Comrade Whoopie:

I am suprised that "Newticles" are common knowledge as they were once a highly kept Party secret. Yes many RINOs voluntarily had them inplanted. It turned out that some RINOs were far more susceptible to them than others. Notice they initially worked on Olympia Snow but then shorted out. However, they had far more than the desired effect with Arlen Specture.

I believe I recently read in Pravda, dear comrade Woopie, that Gov. Palin had Mr. Gingrich 'natural born entitlements' in HER handbag. It didn't explain how that happened though (and does that not seems to be the reeeal story?).

I wouldn't be overly concerned on any new Obamski "tougher line" . . . those will surely end up back in Mo's purse.

Komrades,

Your glorious neuticals suggestion has arrived in the nick of time to save Dear Leader's Mojo! Just today, he has declared open war on SCOTUS for upholding freedom of speech! At the moment when the country seemed doomed to defeat by #41, Dear Leader emerges victorious once again to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Just when he looked like a martyr for the cause, he raises his fist in defiance to the restraints placed upon us by the 1st Amendment. I will follow him to the 72 virgins promised in...what?

Sorry? No virgins here? Oh...that's the musli...not dear Lead...potato vodka? Well! The hell was I thinking? Sorry. Here's your card back and I'll just leave and...what's that, now? I can't leave? Gulag...'reeducation'....whaaaaat?

Join me in the gulag, dear Komrade . . . the beets were usually 'interesting' this morning (do I dare say??).

But I'm afraid glorious Leader might not be able to indulge in those 73 virgins without a good set of Neuticles. I'm concerned he blew his wad on his mini war against SCOTUS. But never fear, he'll bring down the Constitution, one way, or one neuticles or another.

I was thinking the Neuticles look like the olives from an electronic martini, the sort of thing one would expect the android version of Senator Ted might consume. Is the Party constructing a borg Ted? Perhaps we will yet attain that permanent majority.

And it is only fitting that Ted olives do double duty as Obama's mojo.



Now if he only had a brain.

I have heard a rumor that this Massachusetts election will be set aside and Teddy will assume his seat again. He's merely undergoing reparative work. Gypsy luthiers will repair a stringed instrument using "filth therapy." They'll take a violin, remove the strings, wrap it it cotton batting, and the put it in a large, copper bomari, filled with horse dung, where the fiddle will sleep for months.

Teddy is now wrapped in cotton batting, and is resting in a 1968 Olds Cutlass filled with horse shit. After a year he'll be extracted, cleaned up, and given three simultaneous IVs of 25-year-old Scotch, and the Lion of the Senate will be back, and the election will never have happened.

Something else is missing...................
Has anyone seen this woman?

I've watched 4 new episodes of the show "24" (she's the only reason I watch) and she's not there. I haven't seen her giving any of her brilliant interviews. This is not fair. What are we to do without the inspiration that only Dr. Gawdawfolo can provide?

I'll bet Commissar Theocritus knows. Oh, and Theo, I saw the MTE the other night and she's looking terrible. Any thoughts?

My Comrades

I am sorry to deflate your bubble, but your Dear Leader already had his procedure, and these are the Party Approved implants that were used:

Commissar Theocritus, I wish to see a resurrected Teddy challenge The Lightskinned One for Party primacy in a battle of progressive titans, much like he took on the Emperor Peanuticus (aka Jimmy Carter) thirty years ago and drove the Party over a cliff. Persistent rumors suggest the MTE will resign to later rise up and attack His O'liness, much like a weasel pounces on the eggs he wishes to suck dry. This will not do because Hillary is a womyn and we do not wish to inflame our Muslim comrades should she win (which is also the real reason we had to shiv her in 2008.) That flaw notwithstanding, she would not be as worthy opponent as a resurgent Ted. Yes, I want to see a battle of and by the forces of Lightheadedness, especially since the Wizards of Kos have stated plainly that our failure in Massachusetts is due to His Excellency's insufficient leftiness. I want to see Teddy and 0 battle it out by both moving further and further LEFT until they both fall into the f*cking ocean.


Grigori, Ms. Gawdawfulo is not missing, she has simply gone back to making a living off from her comedic talents again and thus has become invisible. She tried to break into dinner theater like all the big stars do but one night as she performed Juliet's soliloquy in the balcony scene of Romeo and Juliet, an army of crab lice carried off a couple of diners, as well as what was left of their prime rib, never to be seen again. It caused quite a scandal although the health department could not make the charges stick and had to allow the place to reopen again. Very strange, but coming off the theft of our seat in Massachusetts, I wouldn't be surprised if Bush is behind this, too.

Comrades,

It's only natural that CosmoComradette Michelle should have the neuticles after being mocked by Scott Baio, better known as Chaci, who of course deserves the death threats he got.

Just look at that smirking evil reactionary visage: rotten to the core, unlike Fonzobama.

Obamugabe, yes, those are the entirely appropriate cojones for His Oliness. I hope however that the cap on the acorns is not too rough on the mouth of Brian Williams. We must keep his mellifluous voice. But then they're very small acorns, aren't they?

Too all comrades worried about Janeane Gawdawfulo: she is going to be a gust on a program on Comedy Central. While in rehearsals she was so greasy that she kept slipping off the stage into the orchestra pit, and caused endless damages.

I suggested putting pitons and crampons onto her, so she could hold onto the stage, but even the mike would squirt out of her hands. And the camera just couldn't focus on her face. I have several point-and-shoot cameras which do a wonderful job in focusing in decent light. But even though Comedy Central hooked up their camera to the petaflop IBM supercomputer, it still couldn't focus properly on dear Ms. Gawdawfulo.

Therefore dear Janeane is now undergoing grease therapy. The Olympic swimming pool at UC Berkley has been filled with naphtha, and Janeane takes a plunge at 8:30 in the morning. After the pool has been made cloudy with her dissolved grease, she is hauled out and the pool changed, to be replaced by more naphtha. She does this five times a day, and Exxon and Shell have had to join forced to supply enough naphtha to degrease Ms. Gawdawfulo. But we are assured that she will be clean enough not to slide off the stage by the time that she gets to Comedy Central.

Tovarich, why agonize over Scott Baio? After all, anyone who speaks his mind deserves what he gets. If he supported Scott Brown then obviously he'd lost his tin-foil hat and deserves death threats. How else to keep people in line?

Comrade Theocritus

Surely, you cannot be saying that the Dear Leader of the USSA has joined the Tea Baggers?

I am shocked by the implications of what you imply!

We all know that Progs are Fisters and not Tea Baggers!

The following picture illustrates that your Dear Leader has his heart in the right place... Notice how all the non-military comrades have their hands on their hearts?



And his heart is an Acorn.

Theocritus:

The above therapy at first did not seem very green or renewable until I found out that Ed Begley buys the pool water and uses it to seal his roof, drive-way and he makes candles and cooks with it. (It does explain that particular odor coming from his house which I had erroneously ascribed to as saving water by not flushing his toilet) How many gallons of pool water can we reserve for you and your Rancho?

In case you forgot Janeane Gargledildo is not only a movie star, stand up comedienne but is also a renown Neurologist for the Stars. Who could forget her timeless and very progressive quote:

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]"The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science – that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican. It's counter-intuitive. And they revel in their anti-intellectualism. They revel in their cruelty." [/HIGHLIGHT]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]The party had once considered using Janeane's Heuvos as a model for their "Neuticles" but they were rejected based on aesthetic reasons. Which inspired the tee shirt below which is completely in poor taste and only a right wing capitalist would attempt to profit off of someone elses' misery. [/HIGHLIGHT]

Proletarian Robot wrote: In case you forgot Janeane Gargledildo is not only a movie star, stand up comedienne but is also a renown Neurologist for the Stars. Who could forget her timeless and very progressive quote:

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffff00]"The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science – that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican. It's counter-intuitive. And they revel in their anti-intellectualism. They revel in their cruelty." [/HIGHLIGHT]

Well, I can accept her explanation, because it's basically saying "I'm smart so anyone who disagrees with me is not." However, there are flaws in her eloquently expressed musings; for example, she uses the term "counter-intuitive" as implying something is untrue. In point of fact, "counter-intuitive" simply means something that one would not expect. Einstein's Thoery of Relativity is certainly counter-intuitive, but science has shown it is also true. But I guess such nuances are too much to expect from a self-taught neuroscientist who learned everything she knows by reading Variety while sitting on the toilet - waiting for her creative forces to emerge.

Oh. My. God. Ms. Gawdawfulo is a neurologist? I am so like shaking in my boots. Isn't that sort of like a triode vacuum tube being in charge of designing a CMOS supercomputer?

We must accord Ms. Gawdawfulo her due respect. Recall how she said that anyone who disagreed with Dear O'Leader was a racist, straight-up. Well, that's certainly true. And anyone who disagrees with her is--what's the name for someone who loathes greasy, stupid people? Ah. I've got it. A oleoidiophobe.

[ off ]Now I confess that I revel in my anti-intellectualism. I went to a good school, and people have called me an intellectual, and I crawl down their throats for it. Cicero said that no idea is so silly that some philosopher hasn't said it.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I thought appearing on the cover of Tiger Beat and in a popular TV like Happy Days was like being a member of Hollywood: above question and empowered to enlighten everyone else, whether they want it or not. Why, especially if they don't want it.

I must have been misinformed. I read that Comrade Gawdawfulo WAS going to be our great Leaders new neuticles, via a procedure called a "transnutstome". It's getting more and more difficult to trust what one reads in the NYT. I should kept to our beloved Pravda.

Fraulein, under no circumstances go to the modern <i>Pravda</i>, at least the on-line one. It is a lot more in touch with reality not nearly as progressive as the NYT.

We can count on a great triumph of socialism in the USSA, when the French president warns His Awesomeness not to be such an appeaser, when Putin says that government can't solve everything, and when the Chinese Communists warn against large spending.

It brings a tear to this old socialist's eye to know that we have surpassed them all.

And it's all owing to dear Barack.

I'm afraid to confess I went to Pravda. That's not the change I was hoping for.

No! They don't grind their teeth in appropriate progressive rage at the Rethuglicans and Fascististi here in AmeriKKKa!

Why don't then send interns to <i>The New York Times</i> to learn how it's done. A few luncheons with Paul Kurgman would let them bite the hand that feeds then very well indeed.