President Barack Obama announced today that he will ask for the resignation of current FBI Director Robert Mueller and ask Congress to confirm Sandy "Scissorhands" Berger as Mueller's replacement at the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
This comes as no surprise to Beltway insiders who have been expecting the appointment after Hillary Clinton was sworn in as Secretary of State and since Leon Panetta was chosen to head the Central Intelligence Agency.
"Samuel Berger, I believe, is an expert in espionage, and has proven himself quite capable time and time again in delicate matters of national security" stated Obama in the newly decorated Rainbow Room, formerly known as the Blue Room of the White House. The President also added "Furthermore, Sandy knew where my real birth certificate was located and shredded it, I owe him a big one."
Washington pundits showered praise upon President Obama with glowing remarks on his new FBI appointment such as MSNBC journalist Keith Olbermann's observation that "This shows beyond a shadow of a doubt the innate wisdom of Barack Obama is vastly superior to King Solomon, Jesus Christ, the Buddha, and dare I say, the Prophet Mohammed. In honor of this incredibly smart decision, I will devote two extra minutes of "Bush Hate" on my countdown show tonight."
"Wow!" exclaimed Chris Matthews. "My leg has gone from tingling to completely numb. Let's hope this numbness doesn't creep up to my cerebral cortex and effect my objective non-partisan reporting."
Not everybody in Washington though was happy with Obama's choice.
"Berger? You're kidding me? What about Waco? That was me! Elian Gonzalez! Me again!" said an obviously dejected Janet Reno as she sat covered in cobwebs waiting next to her phone for a call. "Am I going to be the only person left out in the cold from Bill Clinton's Administration? Hillary! You promised! I'm being patient! Please call back!"
Secretary of State Clinton could not be reached for comment.
Sandy Berger addresses White House press corps on his pending appointment